Setback

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been a while since I posted on here.  I have been doing well on my journey, but over the last couple weeks or so, feel like I have been slipping.  My exUBPD has for the most part been trying to contact me at least every two weeks for the past year that we have been apart (blocked on my phone and email, but I can see when she attempts to contact).  I guess that in some way was an external validation for me.  I have been NC with her for months now (I did get caught up in a recycle this summer, that ended badly as usual).  I have been taking care of me, doing things I want to do and actually having a pretty good time of it all and building up my non-existent self esteem along the way.  All the while, I had not been interested in dating because I didn't think I was ready.  About a month ago after some soul searching and deciding I was feeling good enough about me, I took a plunge and asked someone out.  This was someone that I had known for a while and thought I had built a rapport with. She strung me along for a couple weeks, saying she would go out with me, but when the time came for our "date" she blew me off and has not contacted me since.  Since then I feel like I have slipped a little.  I have also not had and contact attempts  recently by the ex, and that has me thinking she has a new man.  THAT sent me into a tailspin!  The thing I don't get is that I don't want to get back with her.  Her drama is SO toxic and SO horrible for me, I know that!  But why does she still have the grip on me that she does?  Or is it that I am upset that she potentially has a new happy relationship and I don't yet?  I was so strong and feeling so good about myself until I started down the path towards a new relationship.  Now I feel pathetic because I think she has one and I cant seem to... .   Just reading this makes me think I am losing my mind!   I feel like all the work I did has been completely negated.  Not sleeping again, all messed up in the head again... .

[GettinHealthy]

It has been a while since I posted on here.  I have been doing well on my journey, but over the last couple weeks or so, feel like I have been slipping.  My exUBPD has for the most part been trying to contact me at least every two weeks for the past year that we have been apart (blocked on my phone and email, but I can see when she attempts to contact).  I guess that in some way was an external validation for me.  I have been NC with her for months now (I did get caught up in a recycle this summer, that ended badly as usual).  I have been taking care of me, doing things I want to do and actually having a pretty good time of it all and building up my non-existent self esteem along the way.  All the while, I had not been interested in dating because I didn't think I was ready.  About a month ago after some soul searching and deciding I was feeling good enough about me, I took a plunge and asked someone out.  This was someone that I had known for a while and thought I had built a rapport with. She strung me along for a couple weeks, saying she would go out with me, but when the time came for our "date" she blew me off and has not contacted me since.  Since then I feel like I have slipped a little.  I have also not had and contact attempts  recently by the ex, and that has me thinking she has a new man.  THAT sent me into a tailspin!  The thing I don't get is that I don't want to get back with her.  Her drama is SO toxic and SO horrible for me, I know that!  But why does she still have the grip on me that she does?  Or is it that I am upset that she potentially has a new happy relationship and I don't yet?  I was so strong and feeling so good about myself until I started down the path towards a new relationship.  Now I feel pathetic because I think she has one and I cant seem to... .   Just reading this makes me think I am losing my mind!   I feel like all the work I did has been completely negated.  Not sleeping again, all messed up in the head again... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi GettinHealthy,

I'm glad you posted, especially when feeling this way.  I'm sorry that you are hurting.  It's so understandable to feel like you are slipping sometimes - it happened to me, too.  I was doing SO well, and then bang!  I'd fall into a hole of depression and longing.  It's part of the process of grieving, and unfortunately grieving doesn't happen in a straight line.

I can understand why you think she is suddenly in a great relationship and you're not, but that is just the mind-circus talking.  Unless she has had some serious therapy, it isn't likely that anything will be different this time.

You are feeling stuck because you are actually going through the process of grieving, you are feeling and soothing yourself and changing your behavior, which is healthy.  A person with BPD who hasn't had lots of therapy often doesn't know how to do that in a healthy way.  So who is better off of the two of you? 

Hang in there.  We have all been there and understand. 

heart 

[GettinHealthy]

Timing couldnt be worse... .   Got confirmation from a "friend" today that she in fact is with someone new.  Didnt even ask for that, it was lobbed at me.  I JUST FEEL SICK!

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are hurting GettinHealthy.

I know it may seem hard right now, but that new girl not going out with you did you a big favor... . let me tell you why.  You are fragile right now emotionally and with your self confidence - I think you will agree on that.  As such, a positive or negative outside influence is going to be external validation of self, rather than internal... . as such, it is fleeting.  By working through these feelings now, you won't have that "pathetic" "losing your mind" feeling you mentioned when some girl doesn't call back.

So, what to do with these bad feelings?  First, keep in mind that your BPD's behavior (dating) has absolutely nothing to do with you.  Nothing at all... . I understand feeling lonely and sad, these are normal feelings after a BPD relationship.  Finding out she has moved on hurts and pushes that "not good enough" button.

Try to remember, these feeling will pass and try to focus on how you can rebuild yourself  - what things in your life that you do make you feel good about you?  Time to dust those off and start doing them.

Take good care of your right now as you are hurting - it will get better.

Peace,

SB

[GettinHealthy]

Thank you both for the words of wisdom. You are right, I was getting caught up in external validation again. I realized, again, that I and only I can truly validate me.  When I decided to go back into the "dating world" and was shot down, I fell back into the trap of not feeling good enough.  Its not that I am not good enough, it is just that the people I reached out to wanted different things.  As for the ex, I read an excerpt from Co-dependent No More on here last night that took a little while to sink it, but makes total sense.  While I think there was a part of me that was externally validating from her constant attempts to contact me, I realize now that I have been hoping she is something she just isn't.  I have been struggling with waiting for that sweet, seductive, caring, giving woman that she used to seduce me into the relationship to come back out and stay for good.  That will never happen, because that is just a mask and not the real her.  That is the defense mechanism of a scared little girl that is always waiting for her world to fall apart around her.  The real her is someone that is not good for me, not good for my dreams and my ambitions.  Not a supportive and giving soul at all... .   I need to set her free for me.  I need to get back into the focus of making me who I want and love.  These last couple weeks have been a setback, but I realize now that it is just that, a setback, not a reset!  Thank you for the love and support to help me clear the fog again and find my way back to where I need to be!

 

[snappafcw]

Loved your response getting healthy it is so true we all wish for that caring kind soul that unfortunately never really existed i guess thats the hardest bit for me to come to terms with as well. All the best for you. You are doing better than you think

[Aussie0zborn]

Good to see that you've bounced back.  I too feel it is too early for dating but I did ask a lady out for lunch just to hang out as I'm not ready for anything yet. On the day she sent a text message canceling because she had to "do something with her friends". Her loss.

[aloha1983]

Good on you!

My BPD exboyfriend moved on before I did and it hurt... . I have been on a few dates but they turned out to be similar to your experience.

I think it's good to be selective with the next person you date, to make sure they are a good match and healthy in the way they approach relationships.

Keep putting yourself out there!