A brief glimpse of a forewarning.

[Depression = 72% of members]

The first time i was in a relationship with my exUBPDgf... . one of the earliest things she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... . This was way before i even knew anything about BPD and thought her odd behaviors she had exhibited even when i was just friends with her were due to personality quirks with her.

I was so wrong.

When she told me that line, i remember thinking, "What does she mean by that? Why would she want me to control her... . This isnt my responsibility... . A la she is an adult and i shouldnt have to curb you"... . I asked her at that time, what do you mean by that... . Her response... . "You just need to be strong." And changed the subject.

It didnt dawn on me until she first raged at me during first time devaluation phase started.

She was aware of her behavior.

When she came back to me 3 months later... . She repeated that line to me.

I said, "i shouldnt have to do that."

She remained silent.

I was never able to reign her in. My personality is not equipped for that.

It was a forewarning of what was in store for me.

Idealize. Devalue. Discard. Again and again. I tumble still.

[Ironmanrises]

The first time i was in a relationship with my exUBPDgf... . one of the earliest things she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... . This was way before i even knew anything about BPD and thought her odd behaviors she had exhibited even when i was just friends with her were due to personality quirks with her.

I was so wrong.

When she told me that line, i remember thinking, "What does she mean by that? Why would she want me to control her... . This isnt my responsibility... . A la she is an adult and i shouldnt have to curb you"... . I asked her at that time, what do you mean by that... . Her response... . "You just need to be strong." And changed the subject.

It didnt dawn on me until she first raged at me during first time devaluation phase started.

She was aware of her behavior.

When she came back to me 3 months later... . She repeated that line to me.

I said, "i shouldnt have to do that."

She remained silent.

I was never able to reign her in. My personality is not equipped for that.

It was a forewarning of what was in store for me.

Idealize. Devalue. Discard. Again and again. I tumble still.

[jollygreen]

Hey ironman, igot a pre warning too. There was a poem she would repeat where it essentially says "when I'm good I can be really good, but when I'm bad I can be horrid." and that was something she said her grandma would tell her when she was little. Also My ex said once "I always ruin my relationships." I just shrugged it off like you did.

[snappafcw]

My ex also warned me the closer a guy gets to her the more she pushes them away... . But assured me i was different 

[VeryFree]

Mine didn't warn me about the hell our r/s was, but she warned me about the divorce: years ago, years before our separation she warned me by telling me that if we would go through divorce she would make my life miserable.

Nice to see, that there's at least one thing she didn't lie about. 

Better to see, that allthough she is trying her best, she isn't succeeding. 

[snappafcw]

My ex also mentioned about a month in she was arranged married 3 years ago (vietmanese) and that even her last boyfriend didn't know but she only met her husband twice and it was to get him into the country... . she never brought it up again i dunno why i didn't run there and then... . stupid... .

[Moonie75]

When I think back to early days I was given a view veiled warnings... .

"I always made friends & boyfriends easily but couldn't keep them"

"I'm bad to the bone & can't help it"

"I can't let people in because they won't like what they see"

"I won't be like anyone else you ever dated"

So incredible to think I didn't realize the significance of a new partner telling me stuff like that! I heard her say all those things in the first few months. 

[Moonie75]

Ironman,

Were you stronger or firmer with her second time around?

[Ironmanrises]

Jolly green,

I can imagine how haunting it must have been to link that poem she told you with her actions afterwards. Sad and horrifying. I am sorry you experienced that.

Snap,

My ex also said something similar to what yours said. Closer she let someone get, the harder she would push them away. Did we date the same woman?

[Ironmanrises]

Very scared,

That is truly horrible of her to say to you. She was aware of her behavior. I am so sorry.


Moonie,

Wow, mine told me the same bottom 2 things you quoted. The words echo in my mind.

I was firmer with her in the beginning of 2nd time. I tried to establish boundaries. After 3 months of NC after she left me the first time, when she came back, as I was letting her back in, but in a controlled way(was telling her "let me digest all of this", she immediately was calling me "baby" and what not. As if those 3 months never happened, her raging towards me before  left me never happened, her horrible behavior towards me never happened. Almost like she didn't skip a beat. I remember telling her, "you can't call me that yet."... . Her reaction was almost like a child where you have taken their toy away. My boundaries didn't hold up at all. She seemed to grow in power as soon as I fully let her back in. I couldn't exert any of that initial power I had up until that point. Literally. I knew what was in store for me at that point. It was only a matter of time. I watched it all unfold. Exactly as described on these boards. I never felt more powerless and helpless in my life. I had let her back in. I no longer trust my own judgment.

As a result, I tumble still.

[mitchell16]

this post made me think back and i was warned also, just didnt know it. Mine told me " you have to be a strong man to love me" and "my daddy always said I was to hard on men" and " im not good in a relationship i never wanted one but with you im diffrent" and " i love you because you call me out on my BS and thats what I need" and " i dont lie I just dont tell the whole truth" that was my favorite. Of course everything she told me came to light and when I did call her out on her bs she called me to controlling  and said I acted just like her daddy. But the kicker on that one was in the earlier stages of the relationship being like her daddy was a plus according to her.

so I was warned just didnt see it.

[GettinHealthy]

I had SO many warnings.  She told me many times about all the men she dated and how they were "everywhere" and there was always a potential to run into them or they might show up at her house.  She told me her previous ex "knew that he never really had her", but that I was so different and she was true to me.  She said she liked that I called her out on her BS too, of course that was conditional.   Everytime we broke up, there was another "man" or "opportunity" she threw in my face. Everything was always all about her and on her terms, yet I was SO stupid and let the sex cloud my mind and kept going back... .  

[Moonie75]

I was SO stupid and let the sex cloud my mind and kept going back... .  

I raise my arm in agreement with this!

I even started at one point to wonder if I was a sex addict myself!

I couldn't believe what i was tolerating just for the sex & actually begun thinking I was addicted to sex & not her!

[emotionaholic]

I chased my ex for over a year and after a few dates ended up at her place.  After faantastic sex and me on top of the world she looked blankly at the ceiling and said "You don't want anything to do with me I am a horrible person."  I could not have been giving a more clear and precise warning but hey it couldn't be THAT bad right.  Right.

[drv3006]

Mine too. 

"I am a reall A##hole"

"I have no friends."

"People don't want to be around me."

"I push people away and I don't know why."

The courts wont let him see his kids. 

All of us heard the warning.    Wow!  And you know what.  I still fall for his sob stories every time.  Sigh!

[viccijo]

After our first kiss my pwBPD told me 'it just felt so right' and repeatedly said that in the honeymoon faze. He then warned me he never wanted to get married and never wanted to have children. On many occasions he said relationships fall apart after 4 years as it takes that long to really get to know him.

After we were married he told me he never knew what love was until we had the children. I asked if that meant he never loved me and the best he could say is that if I was in a 'firing line' with the rest of his family, he would choose me to save! He still had no idea if that meant he loved me or not. (Who compares the love for their wife with a firing line?)

The kicker was- His favourite song was Sammy Davis Jnr 'What Kind of Fool Am I?'! (Surely the BPD Anthem?)

[whatathing]

I had lots of forewarnings too... . in the beginning, she told me that I couldn´t trust her, because it happened to her to swing 180 degrees in the past, and that it could happen again. Near the end, she caught a cold, something she was proud that never happened to her, and in fact, in one year I only saw her catch a cold, or sneeze, once. And then she told me: "you´re breaking my defenses down."

[fiddlestix]

O my G-D!  The warnings!  In the first month of dating my soon-to-be-ex BPDw I learned of her brother raping her when she was only 6 years old.  I arrived at her apartment to find her curled up on the sofa sobbing.  She told me she was trying to work through her incest issues.  We were 22.  What did I know?  I held her and felt like Superman.  In our honeymoon phase, she told me I was not like her abusive father, boyfriends, and her brothers and their friends (she was raped by her brothers' friends, too).  Her father had no boundaries.  He never overtly raped her, but was a nudest around the home, as were his buddies when they came over.  He was a rigid man who pushed/praised/neglected/abused his kids to the max.  He is an NPD I suspect.  He had many affairs on his co-dependent wife.  May wife and her three brothers all ended up in jail and/or drug rehab over the years.  Lots and lots and lots of dysfunction. 

Fast forward 25 years.  My wife and I are now 47 and in the midst of a divorce.  I have been lied to, cheated on dozens of times, praised and devalued over and over again, snapped at, criticized, pushed, mocked... . horrendous pain for a gentle, co-dependent like me LOL.  We split 1.5 years ago.  She tried to recycle me a few months ago when her druggie boyfriend landed in jail for stalking her. Smooth, sweet talk, flirts on texting and IM, sexual hints, calling me "honey,"  saying she still loved me, will never let go of my hand again, saying how cute I am, begging to sit in my lap... .   This was a heroin injection for me!  I took the bait.   The woman who crucified me and left a year ago now wanted me again.  When she left she said she "wanted to be a woman on her own."  But her bed never chilled.  Perhaps she had seen the light, realized what she had thrown away.  I was sleeping well again, enjoying the texting,  feeling that she was back.  WRONG! 

We had made a Saturday plan of sorts.  She backed out and said, "I don't think I am coming tonight."  No explanation, no reason... . just gone.  I then found out she had met a man (Biker Boy) 14 years her junior and is now in the honeymoon phase with him.  Yet, when dropping our daughter off to me soon after, my daughter hugged me and said, "This hug is from Mom."  What the heck?  recycling?  Keeping me in the wings?  Just in case Biker Boy gets wise long before I did. 

Yup, warnings all along our 25 years.  In fact I have known her for 34 years.  When we were teens she was known as a neighborhood slut and druggie, who ran with the "gang."  I do have three amazing kids from her though   SILVER LINING!   Yet, even though my wife is a diagnosed bipolar with BPD traits (she is a marriage counselor/therapist), I still blame myself too much.  If I had been more handsome, more of a "bad boy" cooler, she would have maintained interest in me.  I still feel ashamed and devalued (like I did as a tot when I let my drunk dad and codependent mother down).  Why does this morally bankrupt, lying, cheating, addicted, shoplifting, snide woman still have such a spell on me?  Why do I give a poop what she thinks? But I do.  I wonder what warnings I sent out to her along the way?  WARNING: DOORMAT!  Not is a good mood, folks... . sorry.

[sunnywind]

i too heard the "ive been raped" sob story, i think i heard it on our 2nd date.  its used to lure you in,see if you are a sucker for a sob story  basically.   

[DeRetour]

During the first month (the very 1st round of idealization) my ex:

"I know this sounds really grim, but if, in the future, we never talk to each other again, I'll always remember this moment." (said before she was getting ready to leave after an afternoon of sex)

During the 1st idealization phase, she made me a playlist consisting of mostly deeply tragic indie songs that basically conveyed: You'll fall madly in love with me... . but you can't rely on me.

Also early in our relationship:

"I need you to be strong"

":)o you regret meeting me?"

"People always give up on me in the end"

and the constant question: "How much do you love me?" (I always got this eerie sense that she was planning to do something destructive (to the relationship, to herself, etc. when she asked this)

[eyvindr]

Warning's and  's:

Quotes that will always haunt me:

• "I take a long time to make decisions, but when I do, people tend to be surprised. They think it's sudden."



• "I've never really been in love before you." (she'd been married twice before)



• "I've never enjoyed sex before." (see above, plus many BF's from HS through college, plus GF's, as she claimed to be gay)



• "I think I am a little crazy." (said in a very close moment, after make-up sex following one of the blowouts)



• "I always mess everything up," in tears, on a few occasions, post-turmoil, after begging me to never leave her, in answer to me asking her "why would I leave you?"

Someone said it recently on another board. It's not that they're sick that's so hard to take, it's when they show some awareness of their illness, yet refuse to take action to treat it. That's one of the things that hurts me the most, because it leaves me feeling -- right or wrong -- that maybe there could have been a different outcome. That maybe we could have made it work... .

Can you see how deep and pervasive the F.O.G. is? Jesus, what is WRONG with me!

[sunnywind]

"im crazy    but lovely with it " 

[Hazelrah]

 ... .


"I don't know why I was ever born."

"I have no idea who I am sometimes."

"Most of my relationships have been abusive."

"Why do you love me so much?"

"Promise me that you'll never leave me."

"How can you forgive me for... . X/Y/Z ?"

"You're never going to go anywhere, are you?"

"You always think in such black and white terms." (Projection)

"You are the only one that really understands me."

"You're the only person that really believes in me."

Reading them back... . some make me sad for me, and some make me even sadder for her.

[peas]

During the first month of seeing me my ex tried to dump me abruptly. He said I didn't realize how complex he is, didn't know what he needed, and that he always pushes people away. This was after a big, flowery idealization about how he wanted to be with me.

I got mad at him and said I fell hard for him because of his sweet words, but I guess I couldn't trust him. So I said okay, fine, don't be with me. He changed his tune quickly and decided he wanted me.

Another forewarning was he once said that everyone leaves him. His wife indeed left him years before, but to me, at first, it sounded like it was over garden-variety marital problems. I started piecing together some scenarios from his marriage based on his comments and I got the sense he and his ex were big alcoholics (although I already knew he had a drinking problem), that they fought all the time, and she was always crying and telling him how mean he was to her. Their marriage sounded miserable.

When they divorced he never dealt with any of the problems in a productive way. He ignored them by being a drunk. For years. He had a lot of stuff coming out of that marriage that required counseling, but he opted to escape in beer.  

By the way, when he told me his ex wife was always fighting with him and crying, I made it a point to avoid fights and not let him see me cry. When he was hurting me though, I fought back without tears and would sometimes provoke him. I usually gave back what he dished out.  

After seven months with me, a lot of recycles, emotional and verbal abuse, I understood what he was first trying to tell me.  

[fiddlestix]

Oops!  I meant to say recycling, not recycling, when my daughter came in to me with a hug "from Mom" when her mother dropped her off.  That was a few days after I finally told her we need to divorce after more than a year of separation.  Sending our daughter to me with a hug might be recycling?  Anyone think so?  One friend of mine thinks it's "just a f**king hug, don't read anything into it!" But I don't know... . In the FOG so often... .   This woman has had me under her skin for the past 25 years.

fiddlestix

[fiddlestix]

weird!  The board here won't let me say recycling. H o o v e r i n g... .    

[Learning_curve74]

"I have borderline personality disorder." 

There were a lot of other red flags, but if I'd only listened to my instincts when she told me this one, oh well.

Reading the "How a BPD love relationship evolves" article was like reading a journal entry of exactly how our relationship had been.

[Learning_curve74]

Oops!  I meant to say recycleing, not recycling, when my daughter came in to me with a hug "from Mom" when her mother dropped her off.  That was a few days after I finally told her we need to divorce after more than a year of separation.  Sending our daughter to me with a hug might be recycleing?  Anyone think so?  One friend of mine thinks it's "just a f**king hug, don't read anything into it!" But I don't know... . In the FOG so often... .   This woman has had me under her skin for the past 25 years.

You said she is a marriage counselor/therapist and bipolar/BPD, so she HAS to know ALL the dirty tricks!

Best not to read anything negative OR positive into it. Sounds like typical BPD games to let you to mess your own head up, eh?

[GettinHealthy]

Always seemed to have way too much information about ex's and would share it with me

Told me no one ever understood her like I did

Asked me if she got sick and couldn't have sex anymore, would I still love her? (Asked that one A LOT)

There were SO many more. 

[KHC_33]

O my G-D!  The warnings!  In the first month of dating my soon-to-be-ex BPDw I learned of her brother raping her when she was only 6 years old.  I arrived at her apartment to find her curled up on the sofa sobbing.  She told me she was trying to work through her incest issues.  We were 22.  What did I know?  I held her and felt like Superman.  In our honeymoon phase, she told me I was not like her abusive father, boyfriends, and her brothers and their friends (she was raped by her brothers' friends, too).  Her father had no boundaries.  He never overtly raped her, but was a nudest around the home, as were his buddies when they came over.  He was a rigid man who pushed/praised/neglected/abused his kids to the max.  He is an NPD I suspect.  He had many affairs on his co-dependent wife.  May wife and her three brothers all ended up in jail and/or drug rehab over the years.  Lots and lots and lots of dysfunction. 

Fast forward 25 years.  My wife and I are now 47 and in the midst of a divorce.  I have been lied to, cheated on dozens of times, praised and devalued over and over again, snapped at, criticized, pushed, mocked... . horrendous pain for a gentle, co-dependent like me LOL.  We split 1.5 years ago.  She tried to recycle me a few months ago when her druggie boyfriend landed in jail for stalking her. Smooth, sweet talk, flirts on texting and IM, sexual hints, calling me "honey,"  saying she still loved me, will never let go of my hand again, saying how cute I am, begging to sit in my lap... .   This was a heroin injection for me!  I took the bait.   The woman who crucified me and left a year ago now wanted me again.  When she left she said she "wanted to be a woman on her own."  But her bed never chilled.  Perhaps she had seen the light, realized what she had thrown away.  I was sleeping well again, enjoying the texting,  feeling that she was back.  WRONG! 

We had made a Saturday plan of sorts.  She backed out and said, "I don't think I am coming tonight."  No explanation, no reason... . just gone.  I then found out she had met a man (Biker Boy) 14 years her junior and is now in the honeymoon phase with him.  Yet, when dropping our daughter off to me soon after, my daughter hugged me and said, "This hug is from Mom."  What the heck?  recycleing?  Keeping me in the wings?  Just in case Biker Boy gets wise long before I did. 

Yup, warnings all along our 25 years.  In fact I have known her for 34 years.  When we were teens she was known as a neighborhood slut and druggie, who ran with the "gang."  I do have three amazing kids from her though   SILVER LINING!   Yet, even though my wife is a diagnosed bipolar with BPD traits (she is a marriage counselor/therapist), I still blame myself too much.  If I had been more handsome, more of a "bad boy" cooler, she would have maintained interest in me.  I still feel ashamed and devalued (like I did as a tot when I let my drunk dad and codependent mother down).  Why does this morally bankrupt, lying, cheating, addicted, shoplifting, snide woman still have such a spell on me?  Why do I give a poop what she thinks? But I do.  I wonder what warnings I sent out to her along the way?  WARNING: DOORMAT!  Not is a good mood, folks... . sorry.

I so get that sadly. Funny how co-dependent people attract each other. OUCH! They are like magnets! I just hate that! I am trying to work through my own issues and I get hooked up with these friends that are so depressed, stuck in the past, repeatly the same thing over and over. I am telling them they need to seek counseling, self help books and really evaluate what is going on with them. I am doing the same! Yet they think I am the one that makes them feel like top of the world. If I don't text them back or answer, or have made plans... I get a text back saying it's I feel like you are avoiding me. Sorry but I have a life. I am not going back to that sucker of a need to save the world! I can only save one person. Myself!

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf would also ask me in both rounds of relationship,

"Why do you love me?"... . "Why do you want to be with someone like me?"... . She even asked me this the very day I let her back into my life. You came back to me and are asking me why do I love you?... .

I don't think she ever processed my answers to these questions.

I never abandoned her. My love for her was as clear as the brightest day.

Made no difference. She left.

Today was one of those days at my job where the energy required to hold back the river of tears that builds in my eyes is barely enough. I tumble still in the vacuum of space.