Fluctuating between so many opposing feelings...

[Violista]

Breaking up with a BPD partner at the moment who also suffers from psychosis and may have paranoid schizophrenia. It was a pretty stormy on/off relationship and he was always causing heaps of drama with his anger issues and major emotional overreactions to everything... . but we did have a closeness between us and being with him gave me a warm fulfillment feeling which is now gone.

A week and a half ago we were unsure about our relationship status but we had a sweet loving conversation about his illness where he seemed touched by the compassion i showed him, we talked about seeking counselling together, and agreed that whatever happened we would not part on bad terms... . then for a few days he was still sending me daily I love you messages as a good night... . Then he asked me to come over and I made one comment he didn't like and he has completely cut me off and shut me out of his life. He's already saying he's seeing someone new, I'm not sure I believe him but who knows. ANd he's posting cheerful facebook updates and organising events (he runs music events and club nights) like nothing happened.

I'm torn between various feelings. Part of me desperately misses him and wants him back, but another part of me knows that if I took him back I would be thinking "why did I take him back" very quickly and that knowing him, he would probably do something to really annoy me, hurt me or inconvenience me within a day. In some ways it's so much easier and so much less hassle being without him, yet it's also dull and empty and boring. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of compassion for him because I've really seen how ill he is in recent weeks, and sometimes I feel like i would do anything to help him and like i've never cared about someone so much... . but then I get moments where I see that he's partying without me and get angry and just want to hurt him and ruin it for him. Then I feel guilty and wonder if I really am the caring person I thought I was.

I think about how I'll find a better and more stable guy and will be happier, then a minute later I'm feeling like I'll never be so fulfilled with someone else. I feel all this tenderness remembering how loving he sometimes was towards me, then I get angry and  physically nauseous thinking about the times he's hurt me and how he never truly seemed to consider my feelings and how rude and selfish he was. I think about all his problems and come to the conclusion that our relationship problems were caused by his issues, but then I start wondering how much of it was really my fault. Then I talk to someone who knows him well who convinces me he is the problem.

I'm torn between the wish to be back with him, and to feel that warmth he makes me feel again, and the feeling of hopelessness when I realise our relationship will continue to be a total mess if I go back to him.

And I'm really confused because we've been on and off for a while, and I've noticed that whenever I'm together with him, I feel trapped and restricted and I often feel like I can't wait to break up, and I have a strong interest in other guys, but when we break up, I feel like I want to be with him and like I'm lost without him and I lose all interest in other guys. I don't know if only want what I can't have or if this just because a relationship with him is so overwhelming and intense.

Then I also have to deal with the fact that his other ex is trying to get my help in getting him forcibly hospitalized.

So yeah, many conflicting feelings! Just venting because I can't stop thinking about all this! So writing helps. I don't even know what I want! I wish I could just have him without all the issues... . I feel like I won't be ready to date someone new for a while... . I've had very low libido and interest in the opposite sex for a month now... . My friends tell me to just get over it but they don't know the depth of what is happening... . the feeling of simultaneously being extremely worried about someone you love and grieving over the hurt they have caused you

[GettinHealthy]

Hi Violista,

You sound like you wrote what was in my head!  We have all been there and can totally relate.  I think there are a couple things at play here.  With mine, she was able to show me her loving, giving and lucid side when she wanted to hook, or re-hook me.  That side of her was amazing.  When we were on, it was like nothing else I had ever experienced.  THAT is what messes with us because when the real part of them (the scared child) comes out and lashes at us, we are left confused and wondering what happened.  As time goes on the lucid side gets more and more overcome by the scared child and all we do is hope and pray that the person that we THOUGHT was real would just come back out for good.  That doesnt ever happen.  I too have been and am torn in my thoughts from time to time.  Not fully being able to grasp in my heart why the loving side wasnt real.  For me though, I have to set her free.  I need to do that because I now realize no matter how much I want her to be what I thought she was, it is just not reality.  As hard as it is for me to say (or, I guess, type) I do wish her well and hope she can find some kind of happiness somewhere.  It is no longer my mission in life to be her happiness, it is now time for me to make my own happiness for me.  I feel your pain, I have your pain.  The only way to make the pain go away is to set them free and take care of us.  I do wish you success and know you are not alone in your battle!

GH 

[Learning_curve74]

Violista, what you wrote about the conflicting feelings it's exactly how I feel. It's one of the hardest things to deal with.

One thing I realize is that the relationship was like a drug and we are addicts in withdrawal. We got used to the crazy ups and downs of the BPD dance, the drama, the push/pull, the crazy making stuff. The ups and downs, conflicting feelings are like the withdrawal symptoms and aftershocks.

If you want him, realize there is no way to separate the sweet side from the crazy side. They are who he is.

[Violista]

Well after refusing to speak to me for a week, he's just sent me a message saying only "Yea I like to party"

What is THAT supposed to mean?

An hour ago when I thought I'd lost him all I could think about was how much I wanted him back

Now that he's messaged me I'm getting thoughts of "oh no, what if he wants to come back, I don't want to deal with him, I should run, I need to push him away before he starts getting close again"

Yet an hour ago all I wanted to do was hold him again?

What is wrong with me?

This is what i mean... . totally confusing :S

[marbleloser]

"I'm overwhelmed with feelings of compassion for him because I've really seen how ill he is in recent weeks, and sometimes I feel like i would do anything to help him and like i've never cared about someone so much"

This is where you need to direct that care and compassion towards yourself.It's a tough battle when you want to recognize the good,but can't forget the bad.In time,you'll find someone who appreciates you.One who'll return that compassion and care.It's hard to believe that at this stage,I know,because I was there 

For the time being,give yourself all the love you gave him.

[Violista]

And today it's back to being heartbroken and missing him again. Sigh.

[Violista]

Well I was finally starting to get to the point where I was feeling a little better, and moving past the stage of the breakup where I felt empty all the time and couldn't get out of bed. I was finally beginning to show the first signs of moving past depression, of getting some energy back, getting a little bit of my libido coming back, worrying about him less etc.

Then today I find out that friends are saying he is already apparently interested in someone new. It's been just over two weeks since we ended it. Seems a bit soon. Two weeks ago he was still going on about how much he loves me. I've felt pretty heartbroken and pretty distant from the opposite sex since he's been gone, I've had very little interest in sex and have felt emotionally not ready to get physically close with guys. Yet he's apparently already trying to get someone new... . So now I'm getting all kinds of questions in my head about whether he ever loved me and whether I even meant anything to him.

When we broke up he literally went from telling me how much he loved me and asking me to come over and see him, to doing a 180 and totally shutting me out after several comments he didnt like. In the morning he still adored me, in the afternoon the same day he was saying I should never talk to him again. Ive seen his facebook page and it just looks like he's all cheerful and moving on like nothing happened.

Yet only three weeks ago, when he was sending me all kinds of rage-filled crap and I didn't answer his angry texts for a few days, he started going totally crazy over me, stalking me with fake facebook profiles, telling me how he'd never missed someone so much, begging me to come over and work things out and be with him forever etc. He was going crazy, yet now it seems like he doesnt care at all and seems to already have his eye on someone else.

It's just hard to deal with.

[Learning_curve74]

Violista, it sounds like you are struggling with all the turbulent emotions. It's okay, you're probably going to struggle with them for a while because you are a normal human being who was/is in love with him.

A pwBPD is extremely volatile emotionally, one second love bombing you and the next second cursing you. They can have very little control over how they feel and little control over how they react to their feelings. Black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking is one of the other things they suffer with. So one moment you're the greatest thing in their life, the next moment you're the worst thing to happen in their life. pwBPD do not think or process emotions and thoughts like nons do, which make for what is confusing and crazy-making behaviors to us. It's very hard not to take what he's done and is doing to heart and to not take it personally. He does have a mental illness, and he cannot act like somebody who does not.

I'm not a mental health professional, and I am in no position to make any diagnosis, but it may be that you are depressed? I have been clinically depressed and suffered lack of energy, avoidance of social situations, low libido, feeling numb and/or intense sadness, etc. Are you doing any therapy? Make sure to take care of yourself, Violista. 

[Violista]

I have problems with low level chronic depression in general, but I have definitely struggled with a stronger level of depression since he's been gone. However, he's only really been gone 2 weeks, and I often go through a depressive episode after a breakup, so I'm expecting this to improve with time. It already has a little, but I think I need to give myself more time. This announcement that he is already after someone new threw me a bit. I am starting therapy for my own issues in the next few weeks, and I'm sure for a while he will be a regular topic that will come up in therapy. It's strange that I could see he was a bit weird and unstable from so early on, and he did so many things that would put most people off, yet I was still able to develop such feelings for him.

[blurry]

I feel for you here, I know the internal struggle where you know the relationship isn't right but can't let it go. Its really saddening. When she's gone, all I think is that ill take the bad with the good. I even expect her to behave the way she does, going back in. Then shortly after getting my wish, I don't know if I get complacent, or somehow I expect her to remember her past behavior and act differently, but at some point ill usually get pissed, after a week or two of walking on eggshells, and all hell breaks loose, and she's suddenly gone again. I guess I'm as bad as her.

Believe me I know the mixed emotions, todays been particularly bad, been feeling like my heart is literally broken and want to cry... .

[Ironmanrises]

If you want him, realize there is no way to separate the sweet side from the crazy side. They are who he is.

That.

The paradox of hell.

I dont want to ever interact with the other side of my exUBPDgf again.

I experienced enough loathing from that side that it literally short circuited my insides.

[DetroitDame]

BPD is the ultimate rollercoaster!

[Surnia]

Violista

I am sorry to hear how things are going for you. 

Its hard to see exs rushing in the next rs... .

Great  you are quite aware of your own situation and that you start to work with a T, to deal with depression. Compassion for yourself.

We are here for you, violista!

[Violista]

Thanks guys, it feels like I am getting better support here than I am from my friends, who just think he's crazy and not worth my time and seem to look down on me for even caring and for not being able to "just get over him".

I've detached a bit and stopped obsessing quite as much as I was for the first week or two after we broke up, where thoughts of him and his condition consumed me. After a week of silence he sent me a few messages saying "don't you dare turn up" to some event he was organising, and telling me to stay out of his life and that I have "no good qualities".

I miss him still but feel a little more detached, my biggest problem now is feeling massive guilt that maybe I could have been of more help to him, and that maybe if I had been more careful not to make comments that I knew may upset him, I'd still be with him and would be in a better position to try to help him. I had him suggesting we go to therapy together, I was hoping it would help him... .then I said one thing he didn't like, I forgot that you can't be too honest with him and treated him like a normal person that I can honestly share my opinions with... .and within five minutes I'm dumped and he never wants to talk to me again. I knew that what I said would probably not sit well with him but I didn't think he'd fully dump me over it... .so now the couples therapy sessions aren't going to happen, and he is too deeply in denial about his condition to seek therapy on his own without me coming with him. Why wasn't I a bit more careful? Maybe I could have done more for him. I can't watch what he is doing to himself, I am seriously worried about him being a psychological and physical danger to other people as well.

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks guys, it feels like I am getting better support here than I am from my friends, who just think he's crazy and not worth my time and seem to look down on me for even caring and for not being able to "just get over him".

I've detached a bit and stopped obsessing quite as much as I was for the first week or two after we broke up, where thoughts of him and his condition consumed me. After a week of silence he sent me a few messages saying "don't you dare turn up" to some event he was organising, and telling me to stay out of his life and that I have "no good qualities".

I miss him still but feel a little more detached, my biggest problem now is feeling massive guilt that maybe I could have been of more help to him, and that maybe if I had been more careful not to make comments that I knew may upset him, I'd still be with him and would be in a better position to try to help him. I had him suggesting we go to therapy together, I was hoping it would help him... .then I said one thing he didn't like, I forgot that you can't be too honest with him and treated him like a normal person that I can honestly share my opinions with... .and within five minutes I'm dumped and he never wants to talk to me again. I knew that what I said would probably not sit well with him but I didn't think he'd fully dump me over it... .so now the couples therapy sessions aren't going to happen, and he is too deeply in denial about his condition to seek therapy on his own without me coming with him. Why wasn't I a bit more careful? Maybe I could have done more for him. I can't watch what he is doing to himself, I am seriously worried about him being a psychological and physical danger to other people as well.

In bold.

I know exactly how you feel.

I no longer speak to my close friends about this.

[Violista]

Ironman - yeah. I've gotten advice several times now to just forget him and go out and party and have fun. My friends almost unanimously make me feel like if I still care, that means I'm weak. Maybe I can understand that kind of advice if it's been ages after the break up and I'm still ruminating, but I was being told to get over him and go party a few days after the breakup. Some of them seem annoyed that I can't get over it fast enough.

They may mean well, but their advice just angers me. I'd have to be pretty insensitive to really have feelings for someone, and then just be able to get over it and move onto the next guy within a few days or even weeks. Everyone seems to think it's a sign of strength to be able to just easily stop caring about someone. If someone died, nobody would tell me "Just get over it and go party, you'll find someone better to hang out with"... .but they don't seem to think it's insensitive to say the same thing if I've just broken up with someone who was severely ill, who I had to watch destroy himself while feeling powerless to help him, who confused me about how he really felt about me by telling me he adored me one day and calling me a stupid selfish bhit the next day, who would shower me with gifts and affection but then often show no concern about how I felt when I had a problem, who I tried to give a lot of care to only to still have all my actions interpreted as selfish, who seemed totally in denial about his illness, who I regularly had to try to calm down from his rages, who constantly did things that shocked me and sometimes scared me, and who somehow despite all this I still really cared for and had a closeness with. Apparently my friends think I'm meant to just get over the mix of love, confusion, anger, rejection, disappointment, compassion, exhaustion, and guilt that this has stirred up in me, squash it all down and go out and party and meet someone "better".

[Ironmanrises]

Ironman - yeah. I've gotten advice several times now to just forget him and go out and party and have fun. My friends almost unanimously make me feel like if I still care, that means I'm weak. Maybe I can understand that kind of advice if it's been ages after the break up and I'm still ruminating, but I was being told to get over him and go party a few days after the breakup. Some of them seem annoyed that I can't get over it fast enough.

They may mean well, but their advice just angers me. I'd have to be pretty insensitive to really have feelings for someone, and then just be able to get over it and move onto the next guy within a few days or even weeks. Everyone seems to think it's a sign of strength to be able to just easily stop caring about someone. If someone died, nobody would tell me "Just get over it and go party, you'll find someone better to hang out with"... .but they don't seem to think it's insensitive to say the same thing if I've just broken up with someone who was severely ill, who I had to watch destroy himself while feeling powerless to help him, who confused me about how he really felt about me by telling me he adored me one day and calling me a stupid selfish bhit the next day, who would shower me with gifts and affection but then often show no concern about how I felt when I had a problem, who I tried to give a lot of care to only to still have all my actions interpreted as selfish, who seemed totally in denial about his illness, who I regularly had to try to calm down from his rages, who constantly did things that shocked me and sometimes scared me, and who somehow despite all this I still really cared for and had a closeness with. Apparently my friends think I'm meant to just get over the mix of love, confusion, anger, rejection, disappointment, compassion, exhaustion, and guilt that this has stirred up in me, squash it all down and go out and party and meet someone "better".

I know how you feel.

My friends dont even realize that their invalidation(intentional or not)... .

Hurts me further.

I have shut them out since.

I cannot accept further invalidation.

Especially from anyone else that is close to me.

All those feelings you describe... .Love, confusion, rejection, etc... .

I know exactly how you are feeling.

Its awful.

And all those feelings are present.

The close friends will never understand that.

My close friends would see my exUBPDgf postings on Facebook and Instagram in the devaluation phase... .

I would tell them how she was treating me outside of what she would post... .

How she would give me silent treatment, put me down, insult me, etc... .

And they would tell me... .

"But she looks happy in her instagram pics... .She is smiling... .Her statuses are coherent... .Maybe she is just not that into you. She doesnt "look" crazy."

I wanted to scream.

The damage we endure does not easily just go away.

Not in these kind of relationships.

[toomanytears]

Violista

Your post could be me talking. Except that I've been doing the dance for over thirty years. I found this board a few years ago and it gave me some tools to cope with day to day living with my pwBPD. However they are masters at surprise and just a few weeks ago, out of the blue, he announced that he didn't love me any more, didn't want to be with me, wanted to have his own place, wanted to stay friends.  I was completely ambushed, went into fight or flight, told him to leave, which he has now done. Thank goodness on the one hand, on the other I'm torturing myself with all my past feelings and great times we had, joint experiences, etc etc. It is a drug.

One thing I realize is that the relationship was like a drug and we are addicts in withdrawal. We got used to the crazy ups and downs of the BPD dance, the drama, the push/pull, the crazy making stuff. The ups and downs, conflicting feelings are like the withdrawal symptoms and aftershocks.

If you want him, realize there is no way to separate the sweet side from the crazy side. They are who he is.

[/size][/size][/font][/size][/b]

A friend I saw yesterday said the only way she got out of the emotionally abusive relationship with her husband was psychotherapy. She is a highly intelligent career women, top of her profession and even she could not kick the habit.  They are an addiction. They can only operate if they have you close by to abuse. Find someone healthy. I won't say I've wasted my 30 years because I've had an amazing time and met some fantastic people along the way, through him. I've got two wonderful children who are quite aware of what he is like. Time for me to find myself now and kick the habit.

This board has been of immense comfort and helps me keep grounded. Keep reading and posting, you are not alone.

[Violista]

My ex has also been posting cheerful facebook posts since our breakup, it's a bit hard on me coz he seems happy without me and like he's never really cared... .I have to remind myself that he's always been capable of appearing cheerful on facebook but going through a lot of pain privately. He's been mostly giving me the silent treatment, apart from a few angry "don't you dare turn up to the events I organise" "you bhit" "you betrayed my trust"  (coz I spoke to his other ex about him) "you have no good qualities" messages last weekend.

And yeah, both with this breakup and other breakups I've gone through in the past, I often end up feeling like I have nobody to talk to about it, because if I talk to my friends they make me feel worse... .they literally end up making me feel guilty about caring and not being able to get over things fast enough. They make me feel like if I don't get over breakups easily they think I'm weak and they don't respect me.

I was probably lucky in that I didnt' get as close to my ex as some of the other people on this board did to theirs, so it should be possible to get over it, the pain is already subsiding. I was with him on and off for about 11 months, and although we had a bond, I feel like we never developed a true trusting open close relationship because he was always so unstable that it was hard to truly get close to him. I mean I couldn't even have open honest conversations with him about a lot of things because he would flip out so easily that I had to be careful what I said, so it didn't feel like we had proper openness and communication... .what kind of closeness is that?

I'm actually still more scarred from a previous relationship where I DID feel like I got very close to the person and they betrayed me. But... .even with the level of closeness BPD-ex and I did have, it's difficult to just forget all the confusion and mixed feelings and intensity of it. I felt like I was losing my mind for a while towards the end, when no matter what I did and how much effort I made to give him love, he still thought I was out to get him.

I'm probably lucky I didn't get as close to him as his previous ex, she is the one really affected by this... .SHe was with him for six-seven years and she lived with him... .She says his crazy behaviour went even further with her than it did with me and that she can't speak about him without shaking.

[Violista]

I do agree that it's like a drug... .

[Ironmanrises]

My ex has also been posting cheerful facebook posts since our breakup, it's a bit hard on me coz he seems happy without me and like he's never really cared... .I have to remind myself that he's always been capable of appearing cheerful on facebook but going through a lot of pain privately. He's been mostly giving me the silent treatment, apart from a few angry "don't you dare turn up to the events I organise" "you bhit" "you betrayed my trust"  (coz I spoke to his other ex about him) "you have no good qualities" messages last weekend.

And yeah, both with this breakup and other breakups I've gone through in the past, I often end up feeling like I have nobody to talk to about it, because if I talk to my friends they make me feel worse... .they literally end up making me feel guilty about caring and not being able to get over things fast enough. They make me feel like if I don't get over breakups easily they think I'm weak and they don't respect me.

I was probably lucky in that I didnt' get as close to my ex as some of the other people on this board did to theirs, so it should be possible to get over it, the pain is already subsiding. I was with him on and off for about 11 months, and although we had a bond, I feel like we never developed a true trusting open close relationship because he was always so unstable that it was hard to truly get close to him. I mean I couldn't even have open honest conversations with him about a lot of things because he would flip out so easily that I had to be careful what I said, so it didn't feel like we had proper openness and communication... .what kind of closeness is that?

I'm actually still more scarred from a previous relationship where I DID feel like I got very close to the person and they betrayed me. But... .even with the level of closeness BPD-ex and I did have, it's difficult to just forget all the confusion and mixed feelings and intensity of it. I felt like I was losing my mind for a while towards the end, when no matter what I did and how much effort I made to give him love, he still thought I was out to get him.

I'm probably lucky I didn't get as close to him as his previous ex, she is the one really affected by this... .SHe was with him for six-seven years and she lived with him... .She says his crazy behaviour went even further with her than it did with me and that she can't speak about him without shaking.

I can so relate.

Even after i knew my ex has this disorder... .

I still felt like i was losing my mind towards the end.

Part of me would say... .That is the disorder doing that... .Saying that... .

While part of me... .

Would almost question that... .

And say... .

Look how happy she seems talking to everyone else but me... .

This would flip back and forth in my mind... .

Drove me insane.

Your words echo so much sadness.

[Violista]

He started messaging me yesterday calling me all sorts of names, telling me how he never should have trusted me because he thinks i told his ex about him tampering with her car, accusing me of helping his ex to get him in jail (she went to police to try to get him into forced psychiatric care after he messed with her car) and telling me that he had a great party on the weekend and that I really missed out. He then called me, screaming at me for posting private information publicly on his facebook music page (it was a private inbox message but he didn't seem to realise that and thought it was publicly accessible). i could hear his mum trying to calm him down in the background.

And yet, all I could think about was how happy I was to hear ANYTHING from him and how much better being yelled at was than being ignored... .Nothing feels worse than being stonewalled and ignored... .I feel like I can fight with him heaps and he can yell at me and I'll handle it, but the one thing he can do to hurt me is to ignore me and act like I dont exist... .

[Surnia]

  Violista

its very honest realizing that you prefer screaming and yelling over being ignored.

Can you imagine one day a relationship without both, yelling and being ignored?

Perhaps its time to rethink FB activities according to him?