personal growth?

[yehudis]

For any of you that has not followed my story, the latest development is that we no longer have permission to see my nephew. We , by way of a proxy,have been exerting pressure on her but it caused her to act out by causing a scene in her fathers office as well as the countless nastygrams and threats to family members.

So... .

I am left here with myself. I teach preschool and full time work begins shortly again. It will be good for me. I know.

I am reminded by the nature of my BPD niece's texts and emails of how really crazy she is. I lay here on my couch looking out the window at this beautiful sunny quiet day, pondering only what to make for dinner tonight, and life is OK, as long as I can try to live in the moment.

Maybe that is the gift I have received from all this misery: a keen awareness that living in the present can be OK,. That longing for what was or what could be is the mantra in my head that I need to be mindful of getting away from whenever I can.

Can you relate? Let me know. I would love to hear your story. It will give me strength.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

I am not familiar with your story, I may have missed it as I was away.  Living in the moment can be very good.  Learning to be mindful. I am sorry for you pain that you niece has evidently caused you.  Dealing with BPD can be very difficult however maybe you could take some time and come to terms with how you can look at it.  People with BPD are not crazy.  They have an illness.  Not something they ask for.  I have found it most helpful to realize how when I change my behavior it can help.

Maybe finding peace within yourself and your personal growth can help you see her actions in a different way.

Griz

[vivekananda]

Hi yehudis,

I think you are on the right track... . we have so much to learn. This is how I am finding it at the moment.

My dd is 32, I have seen her 3 times this year, 3 times last year - and they were not occasions as happy as one would want. Basically she believes I am the reason she is unwell, so she is protecting herself from me.

Now this is where my learning is at:

I have come to understand that there are tools that help us in our relationships with our pw BPD. These tools are: validation and boundary setting. These two have layers of understanding and depths of meaning. When we are able to practice them daily and understand them deeply they bring us to mindfulness. Mindfulness for me exists of three concepts: acceptance, detachment (which is about letting go of ego and meeting my own emotional needs, it is not about no contact and separation) and being open to the universe (a 'spiritual' aspect). So, I have consciously begun to practice meditation daily and am continually working on improving my understanding and implementing these techniques.

With this is the essential learning about BPD. As Griz points out, when we understand about BPD we are able to be more accepting of the person with BPD. We can practice compassion. We learn that there is hope for the pw BPD in our lives and ourselves and our relationship. We learn how we can contribute to improving our relationship. It is not just about us, it is about the person who is really hurting, the person with BPD.

So, we have mindfulness and compassion (for ourselves as well), the final step is a plan.

If we understand where we are going in our lives, based upon our own values, then we learn to live with the pain in our lives and we can be happy.

All this is based on some intensive personal research and learning. And I reckon it works 

So, in a nutshell mindfulness also has layers of meaning and depths of understanding - I suppose that's why those Buddhist monks spend years working on it   I am looking forward to many years doing the same too!

Hope it all makes sense,

cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Mindfulness for me exists of three concepts: acceptance, detachment (which is about letting go of ego and meeting my own emotional needs, it is not about no contact and separation) and being open to the universe (a 'spiritual' aspect). So, I have consciously begun to practice meditation daily and am continually working on improving my understanding and implementing these techniques.

I would add another step: connection. Being able to come back into the world in a better way, keeping to that moment in time.

Mindfulness is a hard practice for me - for my severely logical based way  of being.

With this is the essential learning about BPD. As Griz points out, when we understand about BPD we are able to be more accepting of the person with BPD. We can practice compassion. We learn that there is hope for the pw BPD in our lives and ourselves and our relationship. We learn how we can contribute to improving our relationship. It is not just about us, it is about the person who is really hurting, the person with BPD.

So, we have mindfulness and compassion (for ourselves as well), the final step is a plan.

If we understand where we are going in our lives, based upon our own values, then we learn to live with the pain in our lives and we can be happy.

My life is following a similar path. As I learn to care for my needs - body mind spirit - then I am better able to model this with my family, esp DD27, and things are getting better.

Being mindful of my prayful practices every morning and whenever I pause during the day has been a great help for me. I am thankful to those here, esp. Vivek , that encouraged me to get back to my mindfulness practices. The other resource that seems to be giving me greater courage is reconnecting with "Beyond Consequences" and Heather Forbes newer book ":)aring to Love".  It is acknowledging that there are many that do not respond to the "love and logic" behavior mangement style of relating to others. I pursued this to help me in my anger and frustration with my gd8. I am finding it helps with everyone. This is a small distraction that will lead to my own post. Just seemed relavant to this conversation.

qcr  

[Fay]

Hi,

Yes, I can relate.  What could of been for my DD if only I _____ fill in the blank.  The guilt and worry I so uselessly create in my own mind.  The question of ":)id I really do this to my own daughter?" When she screams at me I am the reason she is like this... .    My own acceptance of what is not and loving what is... .   This is a wonderful post reminding me of my truth.  No, I did not create any of this, yet, I can learn not to make it worse.   The world of our loved one with BPD is suffering.   No my dd is not crazy but does crazy things or says them, yet in her mind somewhere it makes sense and it is real to her in that one moment.  My daughter has also said to me, "I need to protect you from me."  She works hard at NOT being BPD... . being mindful.  I see it, hear it, feel it.  Yet, beneath it there it is right there on the surface waiting to drop the other shoe.   I am learning to enjoy the moments of clarity with her and NOT sit in wait for a shoe to drop on my head.

All this in just last week. 


I have practiced meditation and mindfulness for over ten years every day.  Yoga and mediation have been my life savors. Maybe it is why I can come to terms to understand and let go with love quicker.  I do know it works for me. 

I hope this helped... . Thanks for the post

Today I buy a book Vivek  and others have recommended.   Overcoming BPT. 

Fay

 





   

[vivekananda]

happy reading Fay 

Me to, Yoga is my salvation. I need to prepare for class now   

Vivek