here goes nothing... baring my soul... I'm not even sure why.

[Phoenix tears]

Hello everyone.  This is a hard thing to communicate but I need to.  I need to get this all out.  

I posted some time ago, first time to the board... . but just couldn't continue.  Here it is.

My s14, BPD.  He is the result of a rape.  I knew my rapist.  I believe him to have been BPD as well.  My son has many many similar characteristics.  It's horrifying.  I feel like I'm raising my rapist.  I feel so so terribly wrong for even saying that.  I was scared that he was going to look like his sperm donor... . he doesn't but I didn't even think about what would happen if he acted like him.  It is such a mind F***K because I love my son more then life its self.  He's always been different.  (really rough pregnancy, really really sick first 3 years of life, from crying and inconsolable as an infant to uncontrollable as a younger child, violent, difficult to say the least.  delayed development.  Manipulative.)  

I tried so hard to be what he needed.  When I got with my partner he seemed to get "better", well better than he was... . we would try to trust him... . and bad things would happen... . we learned... . he has been abusive to our daughter.  We don't trust him any more.  We can't.  We never really could.  He is a control freak.  He's dangerous.  NO body understands.  He's a good kid.  YES HE IS.  But this is a hard line between what is my wish to happen and if he is manipulating us for an ulterior motive.  I question everything.  I'm scared.  And it got to this point that he realized that he doesn't care.  Is it really all an act?  I just struggle accepting this is our reality.  

He has run away so many times... . he has normal teenage emotions... . he wants a girlfriend... . my heart breaks for him.  But he goes so over board.  So head strong.  I'm scared.  I don't want to think these things about my child.  He has gotten my underwear... . put them on his face. I just want to scrub my skin with a Brillo pad.  How do I stay sane?  How do I stop the anxiety.  But I love him.  But I'm scared for what the potential is.  He is going to school and hasn't run away in over a month... . this is massive improvement.  But we haven't challenged him that much.  I want him to do well... . but I don't want to continue to be blind by what I wish to have happen that I don't see reality.  

I had counseling today.  I just so struggle opening this big can of worms just to have to close it an hour latter.  Now I have to go through this week with all this stuff brought up and I just don't want to face any of it.  I'm adjusting to the idea that I am strong.  And it is okay to be strong.  For some reason that has some serious negative connotations for me.  I feel dissociated and small.  Thank God I'm off again tomorrow.  I need to process all this but it's so hard.  

I had to tell him no tonight and he's so mad at me... . I'm fearful of what he is going to do... . maybe not this time... . but eventually.  Then I think I'm over reacting... . but I'm not.  What horror this reality brings to my heart.  I want more for him.  It sucks to walk on egg shells.  This is such a hard reality.  I have no choice but to be strong.  Some how I have to make it all work.  I need to function.  I have one person to talk to.  My heart and soul but she gets so overwhelmed to.  This feels absolutely insane.  I can't believe this is my reality.  I have to go.  I don't know if this even makes sense.  Thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello again, Phoenix tears... . I'm so glad you are back, and now posting on the Parents' Board. First thing: We are here for you. We may not always have all the answers, but we are here 24/7, whenever you need us. When you tell us your story, we will listen. When you tell us about your son, we will understand. We won't judge you, we will support and comfort you. You are not alone... .

I am very happy to hear that you are going to counseling; I know it's hard to talk about your life and stir things up from the past and even the present, but you are doing the right thing for you and your whole family by getting help. Kudos to you! It will take time, but I'm sure it will help you... . And now the Second Thing: You say you are afraid of what your son might do because you told him "No" tonight. Can you check out this link just in case: Safety First? I'll feel better if I know that you at least just read it for reference.

I know that things seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't for a minute believe that there is any magic technique you can learn to erase every bad thing in your life. But, there are many parents on this site who are dealing with the same types of behaviors and symptoms you are dealing with, with your son. We have found that there are communication tools that really do help to at least calm things down and make it so we can talk to our kids and have somewhat "normal" relationships with them. Here are some links that you can read now and make things change right away:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement

Radical Acceptance for family members

I'm not saying these links are the answers to your prayers; but they can make things at least a bit better... . Lots of us have found that when we get a handle on how our children with BPD think and feel, and learn the communication techniques in the links above, we change the way we communicate and understand them. And when we make that change, our children change the way they react to us. And things start to improve... . They may, even, get better for you and your family. Please, Phoenix tears, breathe--and read all you can on this site, and post more of your story, and ask your questions. We care  

[qcarolr]

Phoenix tears - this post took so much courage. yes, we need to get it all out in a safe place where we will be cared for and not judged. I have found this over and over here. I hope we can offer you some encouragement and hope.  We have lots of tools and skills here to build on.

For you, in many ways, it is about how much you can love your son and have his very presence trigger so much fear and rage from your past. I am so glad that you are persevering with the T. Yes, it is hard to have it all lifted to the surface and then feel alone to cope until the next session. Does your T have any access to suggestions for a PTSD womens group? Would you be willing to go - even if you sat quiet until you felt safe to share? Just an idea of a way to get more support between sessions. Is your T available for any phone support between sessions? For me, even 10 minutes on the phone with my T has helped me over a bump so many times.

I guess what I am building up to is self-care. This is the first step. Creating a good relationship with our selves. Then we can find more courage and strength to find ways to keep ourselves safe, our family safe, and continue to show validation and love for our troubled child.

Keep coming back - share your story - start reading some of the resources here. Rapt Reader has given you some good suggestions to get started. The safety first was one of the first I read when I arrived here. My DD27 was 23 then and threatening great harm to our family. We had some seperation from her for safety, I learned so many new ways to cope, and things are better in our home. She is able to live here again. DD is still struggling, yet no longer a threat to us.

qcr    

[vivekananda]

I can hear the fear and hurt in your words. You have had such a hard time and the really challenging teenage years are just in front of you. I think you might feel guilty for thinking the way you do and perhaps the way things are. That is understandable.   

I do want to suggest you stay strong on work on resolving any feelings of Fear or Obligation or Guilt. These words spell out FOG and these emotions do cloud our ability to see ahead with clarity. I would like to encourage you to step further out of the FOG.

SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

As Rapt Reader and qcr have said, we are here for you, to hold your hand, to walk the journey with you, to share with you. You are safe here. I am so glad you have returned.

Do you know of any groups in your area that meet? It is helpful to have people to meet face to face. It is good you have your therapist, but others like us here is good too. Try these sites to see if you can find face to face group support.

National Education alliance for BPD

TARA Association

let us know how you are, ok?

Vivek    

[Phoenix tears]

Thank you all for your support.  I really do appreciate it.  I'll look into three links you provided. 

Thanks again.

[Kate4queen]

No one will judge you here, because we're all like you, parents who love our children but are struggling to work out how to live with them and this terrible mental illness.

Hugs.

[HiddenHorseCreek]

My situation is so different from yours. I can't  offer you anything but knowing at least one more person cares. If you can find a support group please go. I know it is not always possible. Some places are too small for a group, sometimes family members are too well known in community, maybe there is a scheduling conflit, Maybe if you can find a group but can't go to all meetings try some or try to tie in with just one person in the group. If I can think of anything else I will post it. In the mean time please know I care.  

[vivekananda]

When you are ready, let us know how it goes, ok?

I found the more I posted, the more I learnt and understood.

Take care,

Vivek