I know if I fail in his eyes it will be awful for me for months to come. Anyone else dealt with this?
What I'm going to say may sound a bit harsh, so I apologise in advance if it sounds less than validating.
You will most likely "fail" him in some way, no matter what you did. It has nothing to do with you- it's not because you are a bad wife or what. It's just the nature of BPD- when something is less than perfect in their eyes (and their definition of perfection changes all the time so even they themselves are not sure what it is), it is terrible. It is a failure. One thing I will encourage you to do for yourself is try using "grey" wordings rather than black/ white ones (like "fail". Your H is already harsh with you, you have to give yourself some room for improvement!
Before you throw a party for him, or do anything, first deal with your own expectations. You do that not because it's expected of you (i.e. you are fulfilling a chore), but because it's his birthday and you are celebrating with him. If you're reluctant to do it, he will tell. Then, just do whatever you think is best/ he may like best (may, not will! Nobody knows for sure), and just go for it. Then, at least you have tried your best no matter he appreciates it or not.
