Wondering why my ex didn't recycle me

[snappafcw]

This is an old thread... . Good question I was wondering why my ex didn't recycle me and then i realise i stood up for myself in the end and enforced my boundaries... . For the first time i might pat myself on the back. Thank you

[croovis]

There were some that my ex never spoke to again, and others it looked like she entertained the thought of being with.

While I was still just courting my BPDex, she was seeing another man, I'll call him D. While I was BPDex's age, D was an older man, more established and having money. D seemed really taken with BPDex... . he would buy her really expensive things and take her on trips. She really did get kind of sick of D, and I decided that I would NOT be the sugar daddy, thinking that if I was tougher and hard to get, she would like me more. Anyways, she asked to be my girlfriend and stopped seeing D (or not?). She still maintained contact with him because he employed her to watch his dogs. Even when she was my girl he still seemed to buy her things. I asked about that and she said ":) takes care of me". I always found that odd, and really reminded me of some kind of pimp-prostitute relationship, or had tones of mafia to it. Anyways, over the course of our r/s this was a recurring theme- "so and so takes care of me".

BPDex had an ex, named S. She was with S for about 10 months total. She told me that they had been terrible to each other, but now they were great friends. Anyways, I met S once. He was a very handsome man, with a powerful build and a big jaw. He was also a pilot and seemed to have a bit of narcissism/arrogance/pride to him. A pretty manly man. But he lived in another country. During one of our numerous recycles, BPDex had decided to marry S- he would get citizenship, and would pay her a bit of cash. It was a fake marriage. Sometimes I would ask about him- Oh, S takes care of me. S bought me a pair of riding pants because I've been sober for one week! what the heck? he lives in another country, and he's buying you goodies because you've been sober for a week? Haha. She even convinced him to buy quite a nice engagement ring (for a fake marriage). When I met the man, he didn't seem like a pushover, but more like a selfish dude... . he had even been subjected to the BPD meltdown and STILL knew about the illness. But he filled the provider role anyways. I remember reading on her facebook during our troubled times, a conversation she had with S... . Could you ever be romantically interested me again? S: well, I find you incredibly attractive. I read some of her communications and could tell she was pulling on his heart strings. But if he knew what a player she was, why was he falling for it? Anyways, last time I ever saw her, she had replaced our picture with a wedding picture of her and S. I said, do you like S now? She said, Croovis, hes my husband (in a kind of, come on you idiot voice). Go figure. I assume she loves him as a rescuer and provider again.

One of BPDexes themes was "so and so takes care of me". It really disgusted me that other men were doing this while we were in an r/s. What does that mean? Why are they taking care of you? Sometimes it was older men who had money... . that she had slept with maybe a few times but not any more... . and they still wanted to buy her stuff. S seemed like a phallic narcissist to me but was still a provider to her. Another ex of hers, E, was kind of a more sensitive, pushover boy, but he "took care of her" by always knowing what she needed.

I felt this being rubbed in my face, and it felt bad. Truth be told, I never "took care of her". I didn't really have the money. And besides, I saw all these other men frittering away resources on her while they got froze out, and I got the sex and devotion. I figured I was doing something right by not devoting myself to her.  I thought she was a user and a player and a harlot and didnt want to treat her like a lady. And I never understood why an adult would say "I need to be taken care of".

In retrospect, our r/s went to hell fast because I wasn't taking care of her. I can see that shes going to recycle with S because hes the good guy who will take care of her. But I don't think I will get the recycle.

Moral of the story? BPDex waif will keep you around for the honor of being able to provision her.

[snappafcw]

Its funny you should say that. I wasn't made of money but I gave her everything she needed... . helped her pay for her bills, paid for her haircuts... . bought her random presents and flowers and when she was in the process of leaving me she told me i didn't make enough money and she owes it to her mum to find someone stable... . What the heck... . I have never been hurt so much ever... . Jokes on her though I'm earning the best money I have in years now. Least some good came out of her leaving... .

[tailspin]

 

I think the more you know about them (and their disorder) the less likely it is that you'll be recycled, or you will see a significant span of time pass before a recycle attempt is made.  Many often confuse contact with an attempt to recycle.  Contact may only be an attempt to find *comfort* with you without the desire to recycle the relationship.

Also, those who have BPD with NPD co-morbidity tend to not recycle; to revisit a past relationship would be to acknowledge a "failure" of self since feelings=facts.  Those suffering from a mental illness also paint themselves black, too.  When a recycle attempt has the potential of failing, the effort or desire will be extinguished.  In other words, they may think about doing it, but soon lose the urge to actually do anything about it.

We tend to take it personally when we're not recycled and a recycle attempt often makes us feel a little better about ourselves.  But you don't need your ex to feel better/good about yourself; all you need is a little confidence and self-respect.  Recycle attempts are overrated once you understand the dynamics behind such acts; a feeble attempt to once again draw us back into the chaos and drama of a disordered mind.  

tailspin

[haliewa1]

For all of you considering a response to your exBPD when they push/pull back to you, PLEASE do not acknowledge their effort!  A friend of mine just sent me a video of my exBPDgf talking with her current relational interest.  They didn't know he could hear their conversation and frankly they didn't know he was an acquaintance of mine.  Her tone of voice and self-centered statements made me feel sorry for the guy!  He actually seemed to try to make sense of what she was saying but it was deja vu and sickening.  All she could say, and I quote, "what about me?  What are you going to do for me?"  The guy looked like Amtrak had just taken a run over him!  He's going to be gone shortly, I'm sure of it!  Do Not think that these behaviors disappear with time or that being away from you will change their feelings toward you!  You've taken your lumps, move forward, be grateful that you're not the guy in the video and love someone that will love you back!

[Ironmanrises]

Any recycle attempt carried through completion has only one outcome.

They will hurt you.

The feelings they will profess for you at that moment, will disappear... . again.

And you will suffer even more at the end.

There was one poster on here who kept getting re-engaged again and again... . something like 14 times. Remember how much you were hurt after first time... .

Now multiply that exponentially with each time they leave you. And they will leave you.

I cannot do that to myself anymore.

[Learning_curve74]

I am struggling to understand why people seem to "want" the recycling attempt other than to receive some sort of validation. I dumped my BPDex, so maybe that is why I am not interested? If my BPDex were all of a sudden magically cured of BPD, then I sure would like to try and get back together with her. But that is purely a fantasy! 

And doesn't guessing about the motivations behind their behavior distract us from working on ourselves? It seems like after a breakup with a pwBPD, it's counterproductive to still be spending time and energy on them instead of ourselves? Just a thought.