Enabling the enablers

[silent_tsol]

So I haven't posted for a while, my sister has been lying low for the past few months.  The most recent drama is that she hasn't paid her rent and got served court papers for the amount in arrears.  She called my parents and they decided they would cover the missed payment(s) because her being homeless is too stressful for them.  She has been homeless before because she refused to come home-or as she told everyone who would listen, her family doesn't care enough about her to let her come home- and got kicked out of the place she had been living.  In a sense I can imagine they are right.  If they pay her rent, at least they know she has somewhere to go. 

Here's where I get tangled into it though.  My parents can barely afford their rent  and definitely cannot afford both rent payments.  They work hard, but have never really gotten ahead.  So now I am helping them out more which effectively means I'M paying my sister's rent.  Which is incredibly frustrating for so many reasons. 

• Her rent is subsidized because she is on the community housing list.  She pays $218/month in rent.  That's for her and her fiance for a 2 bedroom townhouse that would cost anyone else at least $1200/month



• Her income comes entirely from government assistance programs because she insists she's unable to work.  What's more, she makes more from that government income than I do at my second job.  The rule that no more than 30% of your income should go to housing expenses isn't even met



• So now I'm going to have to pick up more shifts, my parents will have to work harder so her and her fiance can sit at home and spend $1200/month (that's just her income, I believe he gets some too from government assistance) on who knows what



• At this point I am having to live at home because I can't afford anything in this area with my tuition costs.  So the money that could be going to tuition or even my own living area is now going to her



• Because I'm not directly giving her rent money, I can't impose conditions on it.  My parents have decided they will cover it in the future if she can't make the payment.  If she asked me, I wouldn't give her money.  If somehow she convinced me to, I would insist she at least have proof she was looking for a job and give me a budget showing that her money isn't being spent on alcohol and drugs.  But I'm paying my parents.  I can't cut them off because I feel like I owe them - they are my parents.

I'm just venting and I'm exhausted trying to find a reasonable solution here.  I don't want her to be homeless either and I feel awful for even complaining about it.  But I have friends that are travelling or getting married and I feel like I'm never going to get there.  Somehow, even when I don't have contact with her (or very limited contact), she disrupts my life.   

[cleotokos]

I can't cut them off because I feel like I owe them - they are my parents. [/li][/list]

Why do you owe your parents? I understand it hurts you to see them suffering, but you do not owe them this. They are making their own decision to give your sister something they are not actually able to give her. It sounds like you are not actually able to give your parents what you have been - though you're doing it anyways. It's causing you to make serious sacrifices in your life - such as getting an education! An education is an investment in your future and if you really think about it, with a better education you will have a better job and be better able to help your family financially, if that's what you feel you want to do. Don't feel selfish saying no to this - you getting your education helps everyone around you. And please don't feel awful complaining about this - it's a completely ridiculous situation. It doesn't sound like your sister feels at all bad for putting those around her in this position.

[Breathing new air]

 

It sounds like a hard situation to be in. Something you might want to look at is what you want your boundaries to be. I understand wanting to help your family when they are struggling and the obligation to your parents.  I have for years struggled with it also. But one thing to remember is that your parents are adults and they are making choices. Have you talked to them about how you are feeling? We all have choices. When we make choices that compromise who we are it eats away at us and drags everyone else under too. I used to try to do everything for everyone out of obligation and guilt, but usually when I did it for that reason and my gut was telling me not to, the outcome was not ideal for anyone. Everyone suffered. I have been reading Them Emotional Incest Syndrome by Patricia Love. It has been a real eye opener for me and the way I deal with my family. One question I always have it, how does a parent put their child in that position. SO much of what you are describing is covered in this book and honestly I have been there myself.

Seems to me that your in the parent role at this time. I did that in my family for years and I always felt like I was used even though it was my choice.  I was helping them out and they could not do it any other way was my thought process. Just recently I figured out that I could not continue doing that for my own mental health and also for my families. The roles were all wrong in the family. The sad part of this way of interacting is that no one is really happy.  Your sister resents you, your parents are unfairly leaning on you and that is ok. But they are not thinking of the impact this has on your life. This is a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you, but if your parents did not have you to lean on would they have made this decision. You need to figure out what is best for you. I call  in necessary selfishness to preserve sanity. And for the first time in my life I see that it is OK.  Remember on thing, if you don't help your parents they are still going to love you. By doing what you are doing, you are telling them that it is ok to be disrespectful to you and not think about your needs because you do not either. Just a thought. This is what I found with my family.

The crazy part is when I set boundaries. My family found someone else to take advantage of and the load was off my shoulders. I am lighter and more relaxed than I have been in years. And I am learning who I am and what I need.