Hey could we have an Independence Day talk about ways to deal with depression?

[Matt]

Hey could we have an Independence Day talk about ways to deal with depression?

Where would be the right place to do that?

Anybody else up for it?

(Not as bad as Christmas but any big-deal holiday can suck if your life isn't what you thought.)

[livednlearned]

Hey could we have an Independence Day talk about ways to deal with depression?

Where would be the right place to do that?

Anybody else up for it?

(Not as bad as Christmas but any big-deal holiday can suck if your life isn't what you thought.)

It's a good idea -- not sure where on the boards to do it tho. Personal inventory?

[Rose Tiger]

Oh yes!  I heard that planning a vacation can lift a mood and it's so easy with google to check out places all over the world.  You don't have to actually go on the vacation but the researchers found just the planning is more enjoyable than the actual trip.  I think google can even 'show' the amazon now.  Paris!  Kauaii! Alaska!  Galveston Island site has web cams of the sites, it's neat.

The world tries to make you feel bad about yourself, advertisers use this to sell you stuff, you aren't good enough without our product nonsense.  I like this online radio station, the songs make you feel good!   www.nwrnetwork.com/listen/player.asp?station=ktlf-fm and no commercials. 

[Rose Tiger]

More stuff!  Get walking, exercise releases all those endorphins.  Or turn up the music and dance while vaccumming.  Having things in order around the house is soothing, too.

Do you have a pet?  A kitty or a dog are great companions for helping lift your spirits.

Eat healthy, make a tasty treat like homemade guacamole.  So good for you and hass avocadas are in season.  Avocada, some chopped onion, chopped tomato, a bit of chopped jalapeno, a clove of garlic through the press, mix it all together and you've got a healthy meal that is delicious.

Watch a movie like the Princess Bride, good stuff!

Is there a garden center near you?  Walking through all the plants is like your own personal botanical garden.  

[livednlearned]

I'm thinking about throwing a pity party and invite other people. Surely I can't be the only person who ends up alone on these holidays? Maybe people would find it funny to get an invitation to a pity party. Everyone could bring their favorite comfort food, whatever you eat when you feel lonely. Although we might end up with too many gallons of ice cream. 

One thing I realized is that I don't do a good job preparing for these holidays. I don't call up people and ask them what they're doing, I just assume everyone is with family and friends. I guess I could send out an email to people to ask who might be in town, and see if people want to have a fun dinner or do something none of us would normally think of doing. That's totally out of character for me, so not sure I could pull it off. My tendency is to just soldier through these things and not ask for help.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm looking into a possible short trip I can take on my motorcycle, one that is scenic and refreshing... maybe just riding there, staying the night and coming back. 

It always helps me to pick up the phone and call someone.  Also, last night I met with a singles group I recently joined.  I almost didn't go due to fear and some other things, but I went and had a nice time.  For me, a lot of it is about making some sort of connection.  You did just that by starting this thread.

And if I'm alone, I like to work outside or around the house, listen to music, respond to threads on here, and read.  It is difficult.  I agree, so you are not alone.  But I also think it is as difficult as we make it.  In other words, I have choices.  Changing my perception helps.

[Rose Tiger]

Funny, after a rough work week, I don't want to be around other people.  Chilling with my dog and daughter this weekend, enjoying the peace.  Y'all are way ahead of me on the socializing thing.    Good on ya. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Rose Tiger, 

I think a daughter and a dog and great company!  I do not have children or animals so it can get a bit lonely around here at times.

I am supposed to go see my sister tomorrow.   

[Rose Tiger]

Did you go motorcycle riding? We went to the garden shop and saw lots of beautiful things, they are growing a 200 pound pumpkin!  Took lots of pics, so many different flowers, they have benches set througout that you can sit and chill, enjoy.  All for zero dollars.

There was a voice mail from ex on the phone, his dog that is very old is dying.  So hard not to respond, but I was always the one to show caring for him and his stuff, he couldn't do that in return.  Sigh.

I have a guy on match I've been chatting with, it seems like whenever I start talking to someone on match, ex calls.  It makes it hard to want to talk to a new person. 

Today I want to get the house a bit organized, a third day off gives me a chance to do more than just empty the dishwasher.

[Phoenix.Rising]

No motorcycle rides... we have had some rain in this area the past couple of days.  It was raining earlier this morning.  I still plan to visit my sister this afternoon.

The rose garden sounds nice.  A 200 lb. pumpkin?  Wow!  I'd like to see that.  Pumpkin season will be here soon.

It would be very difficult if I received a message from my ex.  I just found out that she is now married to some guy she only dated for 3 months, or something like that.  I heard he just got out of prison for drugs.  Gee, nice!  Anyway, I'm not surprised that she is married, but it sounds like she's headed in a downward spiral.  I do have a lot of mixed feelings about it, and I'm having a hard time processing it.

Part of me still misses her.  It's so confusing, this damn disorder.  I really hate it sometimes.

I've gone out on a few dates as well.  But I've had to call it quits with a couple of women because it just didn't feel right for me.  I don't think I'm quite ready yet to get serious, but it's good to date and have fun. 

Have a great day.   

[Rose Tiger]

It rained a lot here, too.  I took the dog down to the creek and it was much higher, some spots were like little swimming pools that he could splash around in.  Almost lost my sandal in the quick sand, I had to dig through a foot of gravel while it kept coming but I found it!  Quite the workout!

I would have a hard time with my ex being with someone else.  My head understands that he doesn't have the ability to truly care for one person but my heart has a hard time with it.  No one is special to him.  When he was special to me.  So your ex's new husband is just 'a husband' not 'the husband'.  It would be nice to find someone that can attach and realize how special we really are to be with.

I texted my condolences and the phone rang two seconds later, I spoke to him for a few minutes about the dogs last days.  I wonder, was the dog special to him?  I think about the times he was abusive to that animal and I'm glad he is in a better place, not being yelled at or abused... . sigh.

Did you have fun at your sisters?  Me and daughter had burritoes and put together a puzzle.  Nice and peaceful! 

[livednlearned]

I dunno. I have reasonably good coping skills during non-holidays, but always seem to get grabbed by the undertow when it's a holiday. My son and I did nothing yesterday. Just hung around the house all day.  :'(

If I didn't have a dog, neither of us would've left the house at all. And I couldn't stop thinking negative things about my life, myself, my parenting.

Maybe I just need to accept that any kind of family-oriented day is going to be hard.

[Phoenix.Rising]

This stuff can be hard, livedandlearned. 

Rose Tiger, It was nice to see my sister.  I also saw my niece, so I'm glad I went.  Back to the ex, it was somewhat comforting to read you say that he's just 'a husband', not 'the husband'.  I don't mean to derail this thread, but it really hit me last night that she is now married and I just broke down and cried pretty hard.  I looked at some cards and letters I had boxed up that she gave me.  Such endearing words, but she would turn on a dime, as we all know.  The tears were another step in letting go, I believe, because I feel a bit lighter today.  But painful as hell.

[Rose Tiger]

I cried so much in regard to ex, for so long I kept thinking things could turn around somehow.  Couple weeks ago I had a dream where he got a job at my work and was telling everyone I was mentally ill.  We were at a work pot luck and I saw him snickering with some coworkers at me.  I threw my plate on the floor and started yelling at him that I might be mentally ill but at least I was doing something about it while he did NOTHING and would keep repeating repeating repeating the same dysfunctional ways of coping.  This last part I was screaming at him.  He had the most shocked look on his face.  And then because it was a dream, my dog comes out of no where and starts eating the food that was all over since I threw my plate down. 

That dream helped me to get past my anger about him not doing anything to better himself or our relationship.  And acknowledging that I was working towards becoming healthier.

L&L, you have been through a lot lately with the court and everything.  It is not easy being a single parent without having a partner there to... . say, take the kid to play putt putt while you take a nap.  What does get easier is they get older and more self sufficient.  It is ok to not do a darn thing but give your body a rest.    My house is messy but so what, I'm working to pay the bills and if something doesn't get done around the house, so what.  As long as I have clean laundry, it's all good. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Rose Tiger,  That sounds like righteous anger, as in you are claiming justice for yourself, and I see that as a good thing.  Justice in the sense that it is not fair that you are working to get better and he has done nothing.  My ex is the same way.  But life is certainly not always fair.  They will keep getting the same results, however, which is horrible for them.  If we do continue to change, our justice will be having a relationship that is fulfilling and wholesome.   

[Rose Tiger]

I guess I was mad at his attitude that I was the problem and not taking any owership.    His attitude is that nobody is perfect and he does the best he can, end of story.  I wished to hear something more like that I was important to him and that he wanted to work at things.  That didn't happen, his choice.  It does hurt that he could leave without a care.

I rarely watch Dr. Phil but the last couple days have been interesting.  4 sisters taken from their druggy mom at a young age want a r/s with her.  She is living in the under ground tunnels under las vegas with their stepdad.  Fortunately Dr Phil wasn't a big part of the story, another guy went into the tunnels to talk to her and convince her to meet the daughters.  She is a heart breaking hot mess, she can't handle normal life, she can't handle any of it, uses meth almost daily.  So they get her into the studio with the 4 girls and oh boy, do they tear into her.  It broke my heart, this broken broken woman sobbing and saying, I'm so sorry, over and over.  I like when adult children tear into an abusive parent, I'm like, oh yeah, tell it.  But this was just mean.  I noticed one of the daughters wasn't crying at all, her story was taking care of younger sister, going without food to give it to younger sister.  Not a tear.  And then she starts in telling mom what she had to do, how she could pull her life together, practically ordering her.  Can you say codependent?  So out of touch with her pain and knowing what is best for everyone to do.  Sort of like looking in a mirror from the past... . yikes!  I couldn't label the other three, they were crying and so angry at being abandoned.  Two were extremely obese and the third looked like she was going to kill someone.  The codependent, thin, beautiful styled hair, false eyelashes, perfect... . perfectionism, people pleaser... . again deja vu! 

[livednlearned]

L&L, you have been through a lot lately with the court and everything.  It is not easy being a single parent without having a partner there to... . say, take the kid to play putt putt while you take a nap.  What does get easier is they get older and more self sufficient.  It is ok to not do a darn thing but give your body a rest.    My house is messy but so what, I'm working to pay the bills and if something doesn't get done around the house, so what.  As long as I have clean laundry, it's all good. 

Thanks Rose Tiger. I guess I'm surprised that there's all this pssssssffffffftttttt after the big court blow-out. I'm in my 40s and had to borrow money from my family to pay the last court bill. I should be glad they can even do that for me, but I'm also hurt they don't just gift me the money. They have enough to spend half the year in California and buy luxury cars and live in a big house, belong to a country club. Bought my BPD brother a house, but somehow they justify that as an investment. He's living in this $750K house and I'm a single parent eating ramen noodles in my rental.

I sound so entitled. Maybe it's that covert narcissism people are always talking about here. But I also feel a little weary of all the psychoanalyzing, you know? I don't even remember how long ago my L said I could stay at her beach house, and I really want to take her up on it. I haven't taken a vacation for so long I can't even remember what it feels like to have free time. But I'm having a hard time asking her about it, and don't know why. So of course, I attribute it to being codependent, and abused, and not wanting to be needy, and afraid of rejection blah blah blah.

I'm dating a nice guy, I have a good job, my son is doing well, my place feels like home. Not sure why now, after getting sole custody of S12, I'm suddenly in this dark place.  :'(

[Forward2free]

I'm dating a nice guy, I have a good job, my son is doing well, my place feels like home. Not sure why now, after getting sole custody of S12, I'm suddenly in this dark place.  :'(

Maybe because it's never actually over for us... . The scars are deep and the triggers are just about everywhere.

We all have dark days and it's not easy. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I pray, listen to uplifting music and try to keep busy (which isn't hard given I'm parenting 2 kids on my own and working full time).

It's when I've done my chores and the kids are in bed and I'm alone that the darkness creeps in, usually after being triggered by BPD/Nxh or a memory. I think it's really important to recognise it's hard work, but to not get discouraged, it really will be better tomorrow... .

Holidays are hard, but keeping busy is important to me - maybe find a beach or a park and a good book and have a mini de-stress holiday. Pick a project - make something or paint something. Cook something - treat yourself to some homemade soup or a roast dinner or a decadent fudge cake. Sometimes doing nothing with a purpose is easier than finding nothing to do.

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.”

― Mary Anne Radmacher

[livednlearned]

I'm dating a nice guy, I have a good job, my son is doing well, my place feels like home. Not sure why now, after getting sole custody of S12, I'm suddenly in this dark place.  :'(

Maybe because it's never actually over for us... . The scars are deep and the triggers are just about everywhere.

We all have dark days and it's not easy. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I pray, listen to uplifting music and try to keep busy (which isn't hard given I'm parenting 2 kids on my own and working full time).

It's when I've done my chores and the kids are in bed and I'm alone that the darkness creeps in, usually after being triggered by BPD/Nxh or a memory. I think it's really important to recognise it's hard work, but to not get discouraged, it really will be better tomorrow... .

Keeping busy is part of the problem, I think. Single parent, phd program, full-time job, and a blind, deaf, incontinent, epileptic dog. The only thing that's really changed recently is that trial is over. Maybe the holiday triggered something too, but it's been building for a while. It's like the busy work can no longer keep the dark stuff down.

I don't know. Maybe I should just feel it and see what happens.

[Rose Tiger]

I don't think that is an entitled feeling.  Another relative gets a freaking house?  Again, we the 'don't worry on me, I'll take care of it'.  I'm speaking to my half sister getting a college paid while I took loans, worked at the college and yes, ramen noodles!  And sister didn't attend college, she got a refund and party time.  And they also bought her a house... . what the hey?

But.  That is her story.  I've never gone hungry and I've got muffin top to prove it.  My kid is doing so well!  I held on to a job by the skin of my teeth with insomnia, constant crying and total break down.  Something is definitely looking out for me.  Things always turn out ok!  It's a miracle, I tell you.    Food, roof, healthy kid.  

Now a vacation... . beach, sigh, oh that would be nice!  Go for it!

[Forward2free]

Keeping busy is part of the problem, I think. Single parent, phd program, full-time job, and a blind, deaf, incontinent, epileptic dog. The only thing that's really changed recently is that trial is over. Maybe the holiday triggered something too, but it's been building for a while. It's like the busy work can no longer keep the dark stuff down.

I don't know. Maybe I should just feel it and see what happens.

It's hard to accept when the legal stuff is over too. Mine has never been completely over. But I think that not having a nemesis to fight after years of documenting, suspecting, protecting etc would be a huge adjustment.

You are never off duty with a pwBPD/N as the parent of your child, but when you are in the legal arena, it gives you a purpose and a goal to strive for, like the bad stuff at least feeds a purpose.

Maybe now that there is no purpose for the bad stuff, it feels worse? Drama keeps us moving.

Now it's about learning how to wind down and be calm.

Have you tried relaxation, yoga, meditation, baths etc? By the way - I have tried and failed in these and ended up with Graves Disease so I know first hand that de-stressing is important. Feeling the darkness is one thing, but being unable to sustain years of stress is physically and emotionally taxing on our bodies. Mine failed me and I didn't see it coming.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Something I've heard over and over in 12-Step meetings is H.A.L.T. (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired)  These can be triggers for me to try and meet my needs in unhealthy ways, whatever they may be, and I've learned quite a few of them over the years. 

I'm also learning, however, to meet those needs in healthy ways, and it's usually astoundingly simple.  Hungry- stop and eat.  Angry- Call a friend and talk it out, beat the crap out of my pillow, scream, hit a tree with a baseball bat, you get the picture... Lonely- Call someone, go to a meeting, connect with someone on here, talk to my God.  Tired-  Take a friggin' nap or go to bed on time.

My body usually tells me what I need.  The problem is listening and then doing something about it.   

[livednlearned]

It's hard to accept when the legal stuff is over too. Mine has never been completely over. But I think that not having a nemesis to fight after years of documenting, suspecting, protecting etc would be a huge adjustment.

You are never off duty with a pwBPD/N as the parent of your child, but when you are in the legal arena, it gives you a purpose and a goal to strive for, like the bad stuff at least feeds a purpose.

Maybe now that there is no purpose for the bad stuff, it feels worse? Drama keeps us moving.

The custody legal stuff is over. I am so numb now that heading back to court in a few weeks over other stuff just feels like the new normal. He won't give me the title to my car, and hasn't refinanced the house. So drama is alive and well. That's the good thing about the darkness, I guess. I'm finding it hard to get worked up and stressed out.    I'm in such a weird place emotionally I honestly can't tell if it's good or not.

Have you tried relaxation, yoga, meditation, baths etc? By the way - I have tried and failed in these and ended up with Graves Disease so I know first hand that de-stressing is important. Feeling the darkness is one thing, but being unable to sustain years of stress is physically and emotionally taxing on our bodies. Mine failed me and I didn't see it coming.

I walk a lot. I started running last spring. I didn't know that Graves Disease was connected to stress, but I guess everything is, in one way or another.

[Rose Tiger]

I've found that if I didn't get in gear in the morning on the weekends, I could fritter the day away doing nothing at all.  The feeling that I have so much to do can overwhelm and then I can't accomplish anything.  I try to walk the dog first before it gets too hot outside, then I feel more energenic.  It's like trying to eat an elephant but you can only do one chunk at a time, and more stuff keeps popping up!  Car, food, hair, laundry, work, bills, it can be a bit much to try and carve out something enjoyable.

When my teen was younger, I would swing by a fast food place, park the car at the dog park and we would eat hamburgers while watching the dogs play.  We would name the breeds and try to figure out what breeds the mutt dogs could be.  Simple things like that took off some of the stress of the daily/weekly/monthly grind.  I would also go to kiddo's school skating parties.  Roller skating was great exercise, wouldn't do it now since I'm in my fifties but during my forties, it was good stuff and only a couple bucks. 

Ok, now ex is emailing me asking if I have any pics of his dog.  I sent a couple and now he is emailing that he doesn't understand why he is so upset.  I figure it is time to put the kabash on emailing back.  I want to say things like, well you had no problem losing me, and stupid things like that.  I don't know how it feels to have no emotional object consistency.  I've got to let him sit in his own stew and not be his self soother.  Always something!  Rosanna a danna!

[Forward2free]

I've found that if I didn't get in gear in the morning on the weekends, I could fritter the day away doing nothing at all.  The feeling that I have so much to do can overwhelm and then I can't accomplish anything.  I try to walk the dog first before it gets too hot outside, then I feel more energenic.  It's like trying to eat an elephant but you can only do one chunk at a time, and more stuff keeps popping up!  Car, food, hair, laundry, work, bills, it can be a bit much to try and carve out something enjoyable.

When my teen was younger, I would swing by a fast food place, park the car at the dog park and we would eat hamburgers while watching the dogs play.  We would name the breeds and try to figure out what breeds the mutt dogs could be.  Simple things like that took off some of the stress of the daily/weekly/monthly grind.  I would also go to kiddo's school skating parties.  Roller skating was great exercise, wouldn't do it now since I'm in my fifties but during my forties, it was good stuff and only a couple bucks. 

Ok, now ex is emailing me asking if I have any pics of his dog.  I sent a couple and now he is emailing that he doesn't understand why he is so upset.  I figure it is time to put the kabash on emailing back.  I want to say things like, well you had no problem losing me, and stupid things like that.  I don't know how it feels to have no emotional object consistency.  I've got to let him sit in his own stew and not be his self soother.  Always something!  Rosanna a danna!

Just send a quick email saying you don't have any other photos at hand and you know that losing something you love is hard, but a personal journey that time will heal. Then maybe say you're heading out... . that buys you time to not feel like you need to respond again.

I agree that keeping busy and focusing on fun things to do works really well.

LnL - Try to connect with people, have a meaningful conversation with a friend or find someone at a shopping centre who needs a friend. There are plenty of elderly with stories to tell and no one to listen too! You'd be adding so much value to their day and helping yourself in the process.

Running is great! I am not motivated enough at the moment, but I'll get there. I have less dark days now and I think it has a lot to do with blocking the darkness, not feeling it. If I feel it come up, I acknowledge it, then shut that blood sucker down. It doesn't deserve my time or energy to dwell in it.

Actually, I physically used to raise my open hand up like a stop sign and say "Stop it" until the memory would go away. Bring yourself back to the present and into the future. Be present. The past has some answers, but a lot of healing is about a new frame of mind and new choices. You don't need to stay in darkness.

[livednlearned]

Actually, I physically used to raise my open hand up like a stop sign and say "Stop it" until the memory would go away. Bring yourself back to the present and into the future. Be present. The past has some answers, but a lot of healing is about a new frame of mind and new choices. You don't need to stay in darkness.

That is so unbelievably helpful to hear right now. Thanks Kormilda.

[Forward2free]

Actually, I physically used to raise my open hand up like a stop sign and say "Stop it" until the memory would go away. Bring yourself back to the present and into the future. Be present. The past has some answers, but a lot of healing is about a new frame of mind and new choices. You don't need to stay in darkness.

That is so unbelievably helpful to hear right now. Thanks Kormilda.

You're most welcome! My T also gave me a worry crystal and she made me put it on the floor in the corner and shout all my worries at it, and then put it away and was told to leave my worries in the crystal. I did it once, but it's impractical to carry the crystal that holds your worries IMHO, but the hand, that worked 

Someone just posted this on my timeline and I had to share it, it's awesome!

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation... His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children... So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.' 'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. We all need a Tree!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Nice story about the Trouble Tree.