Any of you record your pwBPD and play their words back to them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For me, this is actually a moot point because I am no longer with my uBPDbf. He broke up with me two months ago.

But after reading others' personal stories of living with pwBPD and the verbal abuse that comes with it, have any of you recorded your pwBPD when they were raging or saying terrible things, then after a cool-off period played back the recording for them?

So many times with my ex I wanted to replay the drunken, abusive voicemail messages he left me. The ones where he would call me loaded and hiss "You're acting like a f*****g ___***e" (he liked that particular phrase). I saved those messages for months, "just in case." And so many times I wanted to play them back to him, but I thought it would be too mean and would drive him away. Or he would think I was crazy.

I did replay those voicemails for myself on occasion as a reminder of what he was capable of.

[peas]

For me, this is actually a moot point because I am no longer with my uBPDbf. He broke up with me two months ago.

But after reading others' personal stories of living with pwBPD and the verbal abuse that comes with it, have any of you recorded your pwBPD when they were raging or saying terrible things, then after a cool-off period played back the recording for them?

So many times with my ex I wanted to replay the drunken, abusive voicemail messages he left me. The ones where he would call me loaded and hiss "You're acting like a f*****g ___***e" (he liked that particular phrase). I saved those messages for months, "just in case." And so many times I wanted to play them back to him, but I thought it would be too mean and would drive him away. Or he would think I was crazy.

I did replay those voicemails for myself on occasion as a reminder of what he was capable of.

[GreenMango]

This is asking for trouble.

Poking a bear so to speak.

It would be different if this disorder (or any substance abuse issue) was predicated on reason and supplying proof made any difference.  Sadly it doesn't many times it just ignites paranoia, shame and feelings of rejection and betrayal.

[Bananas]

Yeah trouble.

Once I resent some old emails back to my ex that he had sent me, after he changed his stories, as proof that he had told me some very significant lies when he was trying to make me out to be the crazy one.  The result was pure rage.  I had no idea about BPD or any PD at the time.  Looking back I think this is what led to our final "breakup" I was starting to figure him out. 

[Hazelrah]

This is asking for trouble.

Poking a bear so to speak.

Agreed^

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

[Ironmanrises]

Peas,

Even if you recorded your ex... . His mind wont translate what you play back the way you heard it.

He would either deny it.

Or further rage at you.

Either way... . the outcome will not be the type of rationale that you would expect.

Their thought processes scramble information.

So chaotic.

[eeyore]

You can win the battle, but still loose.  

I began to question myself.  I heard one thing, but when we talked about the situation late the story always changed.  We argued over facts.  I started recording for my own sanity.  I'd listen to it and wonder how he could get swing so far on the same facts of the situation.  

Example one day he thought someone slashed his car tire because I was using the car.  I went and looked at the car and asked him to look at the other tires.  I thought there was something wrong with them as they looked cracked.  He told me I was smoking crack if I thought it was something wrong with the tires.  Told me I don't know anything about cars.  He took the car in for service and was told they were dry rot.  To this day he says that he never thought the my use of the car was why someone would slash the tire.  His story today is he thought it was just bad people in general.  He says I wasn't using the car at the time.  Playing back his words only made him angrier and MEANER.  He does admit to being wrong that the tires were dry rot and he thought they were damaged.  

[Lady31]

I saved voicemails and even made a few recordings of our actual conversations. I did this with the reasoning that being able to play them back along with reading a very detailed journal I started keeping would help me to let him go.  It seemed for me that I would outright forget things that happened entirely, or somehow so easily focus on the good and downplay abusive events. 

During one of these recordings he actually put his hands on me!  It was crazy.  It was right there on video, I was NOT expecting that.

I have thought about showing him the video now that I recently finalized the divorce (I didn't want him to have any clue how clear/how much was caught on there if we were going to fight it out.)  That was my plan actually, to send it to him after the fact.  Now I kind of just want to go on without any more drama, so I may not.  I haven't totally decided.

I think it is poking the bear as mentioned.  However, I think that (at least with my exH) they can get so into a rage that they really DON'T remember all of it or after the fact think it wasn't as extreme as it was.  It's like showing an alcoholic a video of themselves while blitzed.

I think it drops reality right in their lap.  I am not against it and I may very well send it to my exH in the future (or maybe only if he tries to recycle me I might put a sticky note on the dvd that says "This is why we can't be together" and give it to him) - but if you were still with the person it could present some serious problems.

[KellyO]

I have thought this a lot. And from results of showing his own text-messages to him, I can tell  you what results would be: self-pity or rage or both. Self-pity: "oo poor me, I said wrong, I always say wrong, I did not mean that, why did you not say this and that", and rage to shut you up. Rage can escalate to physical violence, because when they are "catched" they loose it, and anything can happen because at that point they don't control themselves at all, they just want to shut you up. And they do almost anything to get out of that situation.

I have saved his last text messages just in case. He manages to make himself a perfect victim every time he dumpes me. He has no memory of what was said. So, this time if he comes and claimes it was me dumping him, I have his words to show. And then I tell him to get lost and stay there.

Actually, many times he has demanded proof from me when he has twisted everything. He has demanded me to give proof, e-mails, messages, anything that he has said what I say he said. I have no idea how person can lie to himself so well that he actually believes everything his twisted mind fabricates, but yeah, I have his last messages now and I'm going to save them for a very long time.

[Confused69]

I was w my exuBPDgf/w for over 9 yrs.  once while she was raging about something, I can't even remember now, I videoed her.  I remember she would follow me through out the house arguing with me.  I just wanted peace and to not argue.  Well I ran into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. She was right behind me,  I barely made it. I started recording once she started banging on the door. She was twisting the heck out of the door knob and kicking the door hard. So hard that the door would move like it was about to open.  She then started kicking the door and yelling. She kicked it at one point and some belts that were hanging on a hook on the door flew off.  She was yelling at me thinking I was on the phone calling my sister or my friends.   It was an experience.   About a few months later we are having dinner at a local place and we are back to being the loving couple.  Well somehow we start looking at my pics in my phone and she finds the video.  She was more emberassed  I think than anything.  She just asked why I had that video and asked me to delete it. I did. I really didn't want to have such a horrible memorie like that anyway. 

I was NC for 5 months until last night.  We talked for 2 hrs on the phone. It was nice to hear from her but the call was mostly about making me feel guilty for leaving her.  She seems to not want to reconcile so I guess she's moved on. She said we could be friends.  I told her no I couldn't.    I think we are better off without each other

[eeyore]

I was NC for 5 months until last night.  We talked for 2 hrs on the phone. It was nice to hear from her but the call was mostly about making me feel guilty for leaving her.  She seems to not want to reconcile so I guess she's moved on. She said we could be friends.  I told her no I couldn't.    I think we are better off without each other

Good for you for being true to yourself. 

[jdcthunder14]

This is asking for trouble.

Poking a bear so to speak.

It would be different if this disorder (or any substance abuse issue) was predicated on reason and supplying proof made any difference.  Sadly it doesn't many times it just ignites paranoia, shame and feelings of rejection and betrayal.

I agree with GreenMango. I went around and around with my ex in the first stages after breakup, making logical point after logical point, any Ivy League debate team would have been proud. It made no difference. Opposition arguments based in non-sense, complete denial, anger were all I got back. There is no bringing them to a real view point; their brains will not allow it. The simple reason is that if they did they would then be in a position to see themselves in the mirror and they wouldn't like what is reflecting back.

[slimmiller]

Peas,

Even if you recorded your ex... . His mind wont translate what you play back the way you heard it.

He would either deny it.

Or further rage at you.

Either way... . the outcome will not be the type of rationale that you would expect.

Their thought processes scramble information.

So chaotic.

I have seen this too. Its like they have a filter where they run incoming information in and scramble and distort it before it even reaches their brain. They only hear the part they can process, the rest is discarded.

When mine does that she gets a five second facial distort and she kind of reframes and then her whole demeaner shows that the logic is already gone and its back to what she wanted to hear and not what she heard. Even if she agrees with every word I just said to have been what SHE said before.

Then the next sentence is, 'Yes but... .

[Nope]

We've been taping my fiancés phone calls with uBPD ex wife for use in court. I really hope we are allowed to play some of her raging back to her. If it starts a rage right there that is better for us. But what I've seen of times where she has been completely caught in something she doesn't react at all. The person confronting her just gets the Blank Stare and she switches subjects like nobody even spoke.

Bottom line, it never works. You can't get them to see anything. They have a very advanced set of avoidance skills and you won't be able to get by them.

[Ironmanrises]

Peas,

Even if you recorded your ex... . His mind wont translate what you play back the way you heard it.

He would either deny it.

Or further rage at you.

Either way... . the outcome will not be the type of rationale that you would expect.

Their thought processes scramble information.

So chaotic.

I have seen this too. Its like they have a filter where they run incoming information in and scramble and distort it before it even reaches their brain. They only hear the part they can process, the rest is discarded.

When mine does that she gets a five second facial distort and she kind of reframes and then her whole demeaner shows that the logic is already gone and its back to what she wanted to hear and not what she heard. Even if she agrees with every word I just said to have been what SHE said before.

Then the next sentence is, 'Yes but... .

I remember that i had to keep asking my exUBPDgf, ":)o you even hear what it is that you are saying/ just said to me?"... .

How many times i must have asked her this. Spanned entire devaluation phase both times.

In the second round... . towards the latter stage of it... . it dawned on me that she couldnt/wouldnt ever be able to answer that question.

It made me feel even more powerless.

Futile.

Further compounded my misery.

Further compounded my sadness.

There was no reaching her. At all.

I further felt completely alone in the relationship.

An awful mess.

[nevaeh]

Oh, my... . just reading the subject line and thinking about it made my stomach flip!  As much as I would LOVE to do this to H, there is no way in HE11 I would do that!  I do everything I can to not poke the bear and this type of act would be like cutting the bear's arm off!  No thank you. 

I think it is poking the bear as mentioned.  However, I think that (at least with my exH) they can get so into a rage that they really DON'T remember all of it or after the fact think it wasn't as extreme as it was.  It's like showing an alcoholic a video of themselves while blitzed.

I used to think that H was just being a dick when he would "remember" one of our fights later.  He was always SO far off from what actually happened that I really thought he was purposefully saying he remembered it differently because he was trying to make me think I was crazy or completely try and take the blame off of himself, or some combination of both.  Over the years I have realized that I honestly don't think he remembers what he does during his rages.  He is clueless, which is partly why it gets tricky when giving a "reason" why I don't want to be with him anymore.  In order to leave I am have to going to be willing to accept that he will place ALL blame on me and it will be all my fault.  He is incapable of seeing how he contributed to the demise of our marriage.  This bothers me TREMENDOUSLY, but I know that I need to get past this if I want to move forward with my life without him.

[GreenMango]

Taping conversations or using video ( check with your attorney of course ) in regards to documenting divorce or abuse is different.

For personal reality checking is different too.

As means of productive conflict resolution it's a hornets nest.  You want to create more conflict video tape an unstable person and show it to them.  Trying to reality check a person who's ego defenses depend on deep denial is going to unleash the other defenses mechanisms - like hostility, splitting, minimizing, self medicating, etc etc.  You take one away any person who has poor coping skills is going to hopscotch to the next one automatically.

[confusedhubby]

I had an interesting experience with my diagnosed BPD/w of 14 years. It was the most horrifying experience of my life!

We were in year 9 or so of our marriage and for the last 2-3 years she had begun to become very anxious, self harming herself, acting oddly. Every time I tried to talk to her about it se would claim to not know what I was talking about or deny there was anything wrong with her behaviors. This lasted for a couple of years on and off and it was driving kids and I crazy.

Then one day I got a brilliant idea that I would video tape her odd behavior so I could show her what I was talking about. So the next time she started to act this way I pulled out the recorder and the most horrifying thing imaginable happened. The moment she noticed she was being video taped she suddenly stopped the odd behavior and acted completely normal! Like there was absolutely nothing wrong! I was just horrified. Here was a person that had claimed for years to not know what I was referring to and the moment I pulled out the camera she just completely turned it off.

I will never forget this day. It was the day I realized there was something deeply troubling going on inside of her and that the kids and I were in potential danger.

[Lao Tzu]

Wow.  Just wow.

LT

[slimmiller]

Then one day I got a brilliant idea that I would video tape her odd behavior so I could show her what I was talking about. So the next time she started to act this way I pulled out the recorder and the most horrifying thing imaginable happened. The moment she noticed she was being video taped she suddenly stopped the odd behavior and acted completely normal! Like there was absolutely nothing wrong! I was just horrified. Here was a person that had claimed for years to not know what I was referring to and the moment I pulled out the camera she just completely turned it off.

This kinda proves my point that they dont HAVE to be abusive, raging etc. Some will defend them andsay they cant help it. I know they have an inability to reason logically but just find it hard to believe that they do what they do because they cant help it.


The affairs mine had she did not HAVE to start. She had a choice and she did what she did because no matter what I was going to do about it, she could get away with one way or another. If she stood to completley lose her kids or something like that she would have made alternative choices.

I find with mine when I mention getting others involved to get their opinion in child raising etc, she a few hours later magically changes her mind. Because she knows that if we did that she would look to be illogicalk and crazy with some of her ideas. She knows what she is doing, she just figures she can bully me into letting her have her way or rage till she gets her way.

That used to work

[GreenMango]

I'm not sure if there's any comparison between an affair and self mutilation.

Unfortunately confusedhubby's post illustrates how an emotionally vulnerable person (in fact so vulnerable she cuts herself - that's one of the more clinically severe presentations of this disorder) who uses self harming behavior to soothe can flip into denial and repression like it never happened.

The mind is powerful.  So is denial.  Imagine how much you were able to deny during the relationship and you'll have a small glimpse into just how powerful a disorder like this can be.  

Its a real disorder.  No joke.

[eeyore]

The mind is powerful.  So is denial.  Imagine how much you were able to deny during the relationship and you'll have a small glimpse into just how powerful a disorder like this can be.  

So true GreenMango.  Thank you.