HI

[heartbroken3]

I'm new here.  I am an adult child of a mother who may be BPD.  I have always had a difficult relationship with her but never really understood why.  The more I read about BPD, the more things fall into place for me.

My mother is either extremely clingy or angry and distant.  It seems there is no in between.  I still feel like a child around her.  I try desperately to please her, but fail every time.  She puts down everything I do and every choice I make.  If my thoughts and feelings don't mirror her own she becomes very upset with me.  It is upsetting to me that I do everything I can to stop any physical contact with her.  If she hugs me, I just cringe.  She seems to have a great talent for making everything about her.  You could talk to her about babies starving in another country and she will respond by going on about how she never had enough to eat when she was a child and went to bed hungry all the time.

I have two brothers who seem to able to distance themselves and still maintain a relationship with her.  I am having a very difficult time setting those boundaries.  

Sorry if this is a bit scattered.  There is just so much it is overwhelming at times.

Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.  I feel so alone.

Thanks,

Heartbroken3

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, Heartbroken3, and 

My mother has BPD also. You are definitely not alone! You have found a place where many others understand exactly what you are going through. We will be happy to share what we have learned and offer our support as you choose your own path.

Do you have any other support? Sometimes talking with a therapist can do loads of good. What personal boundaries are you wanting to take care of? It is certainly ok to say no to any unwelcome physical contact, even hugs from your mother. I know I do not like my mother's touch, either, and that is a common theme for those of us who have a parent with BPD.

I hope you will keep posting and check out some of the lessons. I have learned a lot here and am glad you decided to join us.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[zone out]

Hi Heartbroken 3

I can identify with so much of what you say - you will find from reading through the site that so many of us have had such similar experiences - you are definitely not alone.  The clingy behavior, the anger (my mother can explode in rages in an instant - over something that seems so insignificant).  I can see what you mean by feeling like a child in her company, they don't recognize our adulthood or independent opinion, the enmeshing behavior can be really claustrophobic (my mother doesn't use 'I' or 'my' - it is always 'we' and 'ours'.  I DO NOT share her opinions!

I often feel like a puppet with my mother pulling the strings - she can control my moods with her treatment of me.  She is always in control and I am struggling desperately to find a way to modify the balance of power. I have tried to set boundaries but have not got through to her yet.  The BPD is usually extremely manipulative and can be very skillful at knocking you back from your mission.  My mother has had great success with the  'how are you going to live with the fact that you have killed your mother' line.

I wonder what different tactics your brothers have used when dealing with your mother, perhaps it would be useful to talk to them and see what has worked for them.  I am an only child but from what I have read on the site, it is not unusual for the BPD to target a particular child.

I have only been a member of this site for a few months but it definitely helps a lot.  Have you read Walking on Eggshells - it was a revelation for me.  Keep reading and posting - the articles are very good too.  It helps so much to know that you are not alone in what you are going through.

Very best wishes to you.

Zone out