I just want him to contact me, why? whats wrong with me?

[gallerykey]

I am now day 18 NC, for me its been really hard and the longest ever gone without contact. I know this time it is really over, the lies had been bad enough but the final straw was him declaring his love for me while on a dating site meeting another woman (and staying at hers for 4 days!) When he found out i had contacted her i got a text of abuse and that was the last i heard from him. I still constantly check my phone just incase but i know he wont contact me. I know its wrong of me to want it as i dont want to get pulled back in again but why does part of me want him to so much? I read on here how other peoples exes are constantly trying to mainain contact and i feel jelous that im not having that. I know it sounds stupid but i cant help wishing for it. If he did i know it wouldnt mean he missed me or loved me it would purely be he had a need of whatever sort but the fact he hasnt really brings it home to me that the last 26 months meant nothing to him at all. I have been an idiot, a fool and so stupid to of let it all happen but if i thought i had meant anything to him it would of been worthwhile in an odd way. Just really struggling with the complete feeling of worthlessness.

[Ironmanrises]

Imj,

You want the "nice" of the person to contact you.

That other side... . though... . is what you will let back in... . in the process ofwanting that "nice" side to contact you.

Confusing... . Yes.

There is only one outcome if you allow that to occur... .

You will get hurt at the end.

Again and again.

Your mind is trying to reconcile the the 2 contrasting images/personas of the person you have feelings for.

Chaotic?... . Yes.

We nons are not designed as such.

I know you are hurting.

Continue with NC.

[heartandwhole]

imj72, I'm really sorry that you are hurting.    It very normal to want him to contact you, so many of us have been there.  I remember feeling exactly as you do when I read about everyone's exes trying to desperately to contact them, but not mine - no, it was crickets for close to a year.

It ended up being a blessing, though, because if he had contacted me sooner, I would have still been very fragile and unsure of myself, and may have set myself up for another round of hurt.

Let your feelings be, there is nothing wrong with them.  Just try your best not to act on them right now.  Your mind and body need a breather in order to rebalance.  You can do it.  We're here for you.

heart 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear imj72,

    First and foremost: (Do not forget this!) Nothing is wrong with you! Nothing.at.all.     In fact, the opposite is actually the truth, as evidenced by the fact that you demonstrate a great deal of understanding of a highly confusing situation already and are trying to pull yourself out of this whirlpool you find yourself in.  I often use an old semi-serious saying I heard in a previous life "The patient is the one with the disease."  It isn't you.   You are having a very tough time right now, but you'll actually be fine, I suspect.  So, enough with the 'idiot', 'fool', 'stupid', etc. words, already!  

    Look, part of you (the subconscious, emotional part) wants desparately for him to call you and, somehow, for things to get back to where they were early in the r/s.  The intellectual part of you has taken an incredibly brave stand by telling him you have boundaries (at this point im my r/s I had none).  It will take a bit of work and a bit of time before those two parts of you are reconciled.  In the meantime you will both absolutely want to be with and without him simultaneously.  By the way, your mind's ability to hold such conflicting ideas at the same time, as frustrating as it is right now, is one of the most important skills a pwBPD lacks.  It is much of the reason they can just instantly drop us as if nothing ever meant anything to them.  These may be lessons for another day, though.  Right now, know that we all understand the feeling that you crave in your very soul, seemingly, to have him try to re-establish the r/s with you.  It's a craving that has been likened, for good reason it turns out, to the craving for heroin addicts have.  You have it, I have it, everyone here probably has it if they admit it, even the ones with thousands of posts. It's OK.  You will be able to get the divergent feelings inside you 'happy' with one another again.  For right now, though, just take a breath and know you are where we all have been and things actually are going to get a whole lot better.  We're all here for you.  Really.

LT

[gallerykey]

Im feeling confident enough to know I wont contact him but just cant grasp why i still hunger after him contacting me. I agree right now im not strong so would struggle with that pull but the thought of never hearing from him again is tearing me apart. I cant get over how they can so easily move on in every aspect of their lives. If i met him now despite the mirroring I think maybe i would think twice as now has no job and living with mum (cant be very appealing to a new partner) but then again they are so good at the lies and charm that even that wont be a problem for him. I am not feeling good about myself at the moment but find it hard to accept me being a nice good person wont be ready for someone new for a long time yet he has already had at least 2 new partners in a month!

In my mind i know its good theres no contact but my heart so broken wants something to hold onto. He isnt who i met and thats what i want again but know i never will as it isnt him. I heard if they leave you then it isnt likely they will contact you again, is this true? If i had made that step first would he still need to feel i was available? This is what i dont get? Still licking many wounds

[Lao Tzu]

Dear imj,

     No one can predict what someone else might do, BPD or not.  In a general sense, the pwBPD usually is the one to leave and there is very often an attempt to re-cycle.  If the "NON" is the one to go first, they often need to re-establish control and make 'sure' everyone knows they are a victim rather than a perpetrator, so it may be harder for them to let things rest, but this is usually just a brief episode of painting the non-BPD person black. There are no rules, though. 

     Think for a moment what a re-establishment of the r/s would mean.  He is rather unlikely to be any different, so will it now be OK for him to date while he's sleeping with you?  Hardly.  You are a 'nice, good person', I suspect, and the cheating louse seems to be winning in the "r/s Olympics" since he's moved on.  Really?  Is being so unable to actually form a real bond with someone that you can instantly move on a sign of success in relationships?  I have the unfortunate distinction of having to see my ex on a regular basis at work, now many years after the r/s ended.  Guess what?  I'm a different person after all these years and she's precisely the same.  Precisely.the.same.  No, I have my share of r/s problems like anyone, but I'm actually capable of change, apparently, for the better.  Our pwBPD isn't, so the nice, good person (umm... . that would be you) actually is already not finishing last.  It just seemsbackwards right now.

LT

[Learning_curve74]

imj72, a big hug to you first.  

Sounds like you were already feeling down from your breakup and now feeling worse because your BPDex doesn't seem to be following the post-breakup "script". It's a double whammy because you feel extra hurt by your BPDex not even trying to contact you. It's very invalidating.

People are not all the same so not every pwBPD acts exactly the same. My BPDex has not texted, emailed, or called me once since I left (not sure an unrecognized number was her because I don't answer those). As far as I know she is going about her business as usual, just without me. So I know how you feel. But what we feel is NOT a reflection of reality. You are a caring worthwhile person who put up with your ex. He is the "worthless" one who is too ashamed of himself to even text a simple "I'm sorry" to you.

It's awful and it's ok to feel awful. Being in love is like a drug. Our brains got used to the high of being in love with our BPDexes, so we're going through withdrawal. If it was as easy as just recognizing they are harmful to us, then nobody would ever have a problem quitting smoking would they?

Also, I would say you might be reading too much into his silence when you say the last 26 months didn't mean anything to him. It meant something or he wouldn't have spent the time with you. He still chose YOU for whatever reasons. He just doesn't think like or react like a nonBPD, but that doesn't mean it never meant anything.

What your BPDex chose or chooses to do has nothing to do with you. You can get through this and heal. You can be happy again and you will find somebody who is equally happy to fully love you in the future. Good luck.  

[happylogist]

 imj72,  

You are simply being honest with yourself. You are hurt, so it is normal to expect an apology. He told you that he loved you and he was with you, so it is normal to expect him to understand his mistake either of not being honest with himself in terms of his feelings toward you or others.  So wanting him to contact you is normal, because many things don't make sense - talking about cognitive dissonance

I don't think there is any proven data about their behavior depending whether they were the ones who left or not. From my experience, he left when he realized that he needs to invest (commit, promise, give up -- continue the list) and give more than he used to receive. As soon as there was an imbalance in terms of him giving - he found it convenient to leave.  In our situations, there are already persons who can nurture them, to fill in the void and validate, so why to go back and have a guilt trip, and most importantly face the risk of denial/refusal/abandonment?  Maybe later if thing are not the way they  want them to be, but now it does not make sense in the BPD logic.

[Scout99]

Dear imj72

Many wise things have been said in this thread already on why we are so frustrated when we are left by the conflicting emotions on one hand realizing the r/s could not work out and the person was not (entirely) who they seemed to be from the beginning and at the same time wishing them to come back or at least touch base with us and offer some closure on the other... .

Conflicting emotions are frustrating for everybody, not just pw BPD. So we hurt until we begin to heal... . And it takes time, and that is frustrating too... .

About the reasons for not getting back in touch, it is my experience that it is not at all so that all pw BPD do seek out contact again. And even if they do there is hurt in that too... .

Recycling hurts and so does them trying to change the dynamic into friendship or you into becoming a go to person for them, like my ex is trying very hard to. Since for us, what we would want back is still the good times when the relationship was new and we were both idealizing each other and that was as you yourself already know, was not real. At least not completely real... .

I don't want to make any generalizations here, since not all pw BPD are the same. There are individual differences in the severity of the disorder, length of time without treatment, lack of insight into their own disorder and also differences in what (disordered) coping strategies they use for themselves... . I mean some cheat, some don't. Some rage, others go silent. Some come back over and over and some just move on... . And so on... . The mutual factor in all of it however is an unstable sense of self, an unstable mind, shifting moods and an inability to sustain emotions... . So the answer is always to be found in their disorder... . It is a disorder that defines their personality that defines who they are... . And who they have become... .

Usually when they are able to stay out of contact it is due to the fact that a new person may have entered the scene, either a new potential love interest or just an understanding ear that feeds their need for validation. In all cases of break ups with BPD, (yes that is a generalization  ), there is a lot of shame and guilt surfacing in them. And they hate feeling that, so they will do whatever to suppress such emotions. Which is the very reason they have such a hard time saying they are sorry or accepting responsibility for their actions... . They know they effed up in the r/s. but not necessarily the way we see it. But from their perspective it is more about black and white thinking like they always mess things up and will never be able to make a r/s work, that they will always be abandoned, (since they see themselves as being abandoned also when they leave themselves), and will never be worthy of being loved truly for who they are... . This is part of their core belief system and the very reason behind the disorder... . So there is nothing we can say or do to change that! We simply cannot love them out of their disorder!

They seek out relationships for different reasons than we do... . They seek fulfillment of their disordered needs. And want either validation, and or bombastic passion to numb all the other conflicting thoughts and feelings they always have. And that works only temporarily, since no one is able to sustain idealization throughout a lifelong relationship! That is a fact of life!

They also seek it out to on some level get saved... . From themselves basically. Which is also an unrealistic expectation and even more like a fairy tale fantasy... .

If I go to my now ex BPD bf, he has often stated how he wants to keep things simple in his life. And by that he means he is looking for normal... . He often compare himself to his sister who has been with her high school boyfriend all her life and lives in their home town raising three kids, and is to him the epiphany of happy... . He tells himself that is what he always wanted, but never had... . Instead he has lived a life of many moves, many different carreers and a constant string of failed relationships and therefore sees his whole life as a failure... . He looks for a relationship that just "has to work out" the next time. And looking for peace of mind that way does as we all know not work... . Because first of all nobody is equipped to be able to save anybody else... . we all have to learn how to save ourselves and find peace in accepting ourselves as we are. And that is the only foundation any relationship can be based on... . That is the hard truth... . The truth is also that he doesn't ever keep things simple... . Instead he is mr extremely complicated... .

I am sad that you are hurting and I understand that behind that there lies a lot of unanswered questions and probably also a bit of self blame, wishes to have done things differently and feelings of not being good enough as well as hurt for being abandoned... . But the truth is you guy has abandoned himself a long time ago. And you can not fix that for him... .

Being in a relationship with a person who is disordered is confusing, frustrating and causes a lot of hurt. And it is harder for most of us to bounce back after such a relationship. Because healing from it takes time, and that too is frustrating... .

But I have confidence in you! You have both your intellectual mind and your emotional mind intact. He doesn't... . So at the end of the day you are better off than him regardless of what he is doing now or with whom... . Because he doesn't have that luxury... . He has his disordered mind... . And that will follow him wherever he goes... .

So hang in there! You are not alone in all this, and you will be able to heal from this too!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[gallerykey]

Thamkyou everyone for your replies, just for some reason today im feeling particularly low and emotional.

I know everything youre saying is right but just cant or dont want to believe it. I do blame myself in a way that maybe i didnt learn enough of the disorder when it mattered, maybe i didnt try enough or hard enough or gave enough but i do know none of that would of made any difference in the end, it still would of ended this way.

I am working on me with my counsellor and i know it will take a long time but i still dont know where im at with dealing with the end of the r/s. I know he couldnt help doing what he did or why he did things but i cant get my head round that at good times he did seem so real with it all.

I feel im going round in circles, i feel im almost still in the r/s as still having so many highs and lows just all of them without him here and think if im still feeling so crap i might aswell be with him anyway.

Why is the contact from him so important? It wont help me, it wont achieve anything for me but i cant stop wanting it!

I want to feel good again but just cant even see a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel. I feel so alone... .

[Ironmanrises]

Scout,

I literally cried reading your post.

Powerful words.

[simplyasiam]

hello 72. sorry your dealing with this. I know just what your dealing with. ive wanted the contact so much myself in the past 5 month and ive got it many times but it always gos bad and hurt me me than anything.

your still living on hope and not hard your fill of the pain yet. you will get there where you don't want it anymore. im just starting to be there and have done some crazy stuff to try and kill the r/s for good. some small part of me still wants her but I know its to late and after my last mistake of contacting her new b/f im sure that all that is left coming my way will be contact in some way where she tells me what a jerk I am. I know the message I left him will on push her to him more and she will be able to say this is why she left me and cant come home... . make her stronger and make me look bad.

just know your not alone so many of us are where you are. plz take care of you before it drives you where I am... .

[BenTired]

I'm sorry for your pain. I think that it is normal to want them to contact you for your own validation. I haven't seen my dBPD exgf since April and my last response was in June. I found myself very unwilling to contact her but wanting and maybe even longing for her to contact me. She did contact me numerous times and my reply was always the same. " we have broken up. Please move on as I am." I guess that on some level it let me think that she really did care or that I really did matter. At certain times, there is still a small part of me that wants her to circumvent all of the electronic blocks and other blocks that I have placed between us. But even if she did, I would not respond as I reached the point of no return with her.At some point, I realized that I got to get off this merry go round. I, and I think many others on here, completely understand where you are coming from on this.

[Learning_curve74]

I know everything youre saying is right but just cant or dont want to believe it. I do blame myself in a way that maybe i didnt learn enough of the disorder when it mattered, maybe i didnt try enough or hard enough or gave enough but i do know none of that would of made any difference in the end, it still would of ended this way.

I am working on me with my counsellor and i know it will take a long time but i still dont know where im at with dealing with the end of the r/s. I know he couldnt help doing what he did or why he did things but i cant get my head round that at good times he did seem so real with it all.

I feel im going round in circles, i feel im almost still in the r/s as still having so many highs and lows just all of them without him here and think if im still feeling so crap i might aswell be with him anyway.

Why is the contact from him so important? It wont help me, it wont achieve anything for me but i cant stop wanting it!

I want to feel good again but just cant even see a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel. I feel so alone... .

imj72, you're trying very hard to deal and maybe sometimes you just need to accept what you're feeling at the moment. Sometimes you just have to feel what you're feeling and understand that's your current situation. In the end there is no judgement or value in whether you feel bad or good, you just feel those things, no need to judge it on a scale of "getting better to getting worse", it's just somewhere on the list of things titled "feeling like a human being".

Like feeling alone: sometimes it feels bad to feel alone (in the middle of a raging good party), sometimes it feels good to feel alone (taking a warm bath at the end of a long day), it's not necessarily good or bad, it just is.

You are doing the best you can at this moment in time.