Day 9 NC... Wish I knew if she would recycle one day.

[Relentless]

I find myself realizing that I was soo much less at fault for the fights etc... . I realize just how crappy she treated me at times... . More than I let myself see before.

Yet... . As it has become easy to stay NC. (Easier) I still find myself knowing that I truly loved her.

I've been painted black after a 7 months relationship which started after a 13.5 year friendship. The closer we got. The more we fought. She left one night after a huge fight in which I finally snapped back. She's given me silent treatment and said she closed the door on me... . I'm not who she thought I was etc... . She's never going to talk to me again according to her dad. That was July 20th. I sent her a final email 8/20/13.



Anyways... . Does anyone know factors for future recycle or re-engagement attempt? I have read so many forums and found so much conflicting opinions and "evidence" that is also conflicting. I know in the end... . Every story is unique.

But I truly love her. I am doing okay, but I'm plagued with what if... .

She started a schooling rotation Aug 26th... She comes back to my area around Xmas... . She was to be gone 8 months, but picked places closer to be close to me. We talked about being engaged before she came home... .

20 minutes before the fight, she cried about how she could never be without me. It's heart crushing still... . But I'm breathing better. Not sure what to think... . Just wish I knew if she would try to come back. And I'm not looking for people to tell me I should be glad if she doesn't... . I understand that all. I just miss her a lot, and am wondering.

[papawapa]

My opinion is that the odds are she will contact you in some way at some point in the future. Whether it will be an attempt to recycle, I can't say.

[Ironmanrises]

Relentless,

I am so sorry you have experienced that.

Any re-engagement that is successful(meaning you let them back in)... . has one outcome... .

It will only hurt you.

That is what happened to me.

And i allowed it.

She hurt me far worse the second time around.

She initiated relationship with me.

She left me the first time.

She came back after 3 months NC.

She left me the second time.

Round and round.

Read enough posts on here... . you will see similar patterns.

Always with same outcome.

Hurt.

Stay NC. I know it is incredibly hard. We are here for you.

[eyvindr]

Hi Relentless,

Sorry you're dealing with this.

If your ex is a pwBPD, I agree with papawapa -- it's typical of the illness that those who suffer with it have trouble letting people go, even when they've been the ones to "close the door." When my ex was painting me black, she sent me a series of emails to inform me how much better her life was since she'd "kicked me to the curb," how she realized how much negativity I brought into her life, how clouded her mind was because of my issues, etc. Two months later, she reached out to me because she said she "had some things that she felt she needed to tell me in this lifetime," and I agreed to talk with her. Within weeks, we were back in a r-ship with each other, and w/in a month, we were dealing with the same issues and facing the same conflicts that we'd had before we broke up.

Yes, you truly loved her. Just as I truly loved my ex. And still do. But this time, I know that the only way to avoid repeating the same pattern endlessly is to maintain strict NC. And feelings that I have, in positive, nostalgic moments, that we could ever be just friends, or have any kind of normal, sane, consistent r-ship are purely based on *my* personality, and how I look at the world and my r-ships with others. Not that she doesn't think or feel the same things -- I really can't know -- but I have to recognize and accept that, even if she does, because of the BPD, she's incapable of making it work day-to-day. She can do it sporadically, when all the planets align and the weather's perfect, and her favorite meal's on the table, and all of the bills are paid and she had a good night's rest -- but inevitably as soon as anything upsets her psychic apple cart, the illness will cause her to dysregulate, and the storms will be back... .

I know you love her. I know you wonder "what if... . ?" Have you read about being in the F.O.G.? As you say, it is all heart-crushing. I know that, in my case, based on what my ex and I have been through, more important than wondering "what if" is committing to "never again" on my part. Anything less fully opens me up to total vulnerability. I know this. I've learned it, I've lived through it -- without NC, I'm defenseless against her.

All to say that, imo, the question for me isn't "will she try to contact me?" but "what exactly do I plan to avoid contact when she does?"

Hang in there and good luck to you.

[Newkate]

She can do it sporadically, when all the planets align and the weather's perfect, and her favorite meal's on the table, and all of the bills are paid and she had a good night's rest -- but inevitably as soon as anything upsets her psychic apple cart, the illness will cause her to dysregulate, and the storms will be back... .

I loved this, Eyvindr. So very true and it made me LOL.

Relentless, I know what you are going through and it's really tough. I just got recycled and it is not worth all of the pain and anxiety it puts on you. My ex has left me multiple times. He was always the one to leave. I was always the one to take him back. And then get hurt. And then take him back. And then get hurt. It is a horrible cycle that will only cause more heartbreak. Apart from that though, I am human. I still wonder the same thing about my ex. Will he contact me? Will he ever realize what he lost? Will he ever try to initiate our love again? UGH. The brain is a silly thing. Hang in there, and change those thoughts to something about yourself. Ruminating will get you nowhere, and recycling will get you heartbroken again.

[mitchell16]

Relentless, I know its hard I still find myself at diffrent times wishing to be pulled back in but what I have to ask myself for what? some more of the same. we have reycled abot 12 times in 2.7 years. each time iniated by her and me  happily joining her. BUt it alway led right back to the same thing. Her raging over some thing she percieved i did. and then the name calling, insulting, degrading remarks, accustion would start and then she would suggest we not see each other or I couldnt take it anymore and would leave. Then it would kick in her abondement issues and she would break up with me because I left. So I either had to stay and be insulted or leave and then broek up with becasue I left to protect my sanity. This last time she said it was all her fault and she wanted to finally get married even told people we was going to do it. Let me around her family more, really appeared to make a genuine effort. About two weeks before the break up I started having some medical issue could havebeen serious but turned out not be. But after two weeks of me not feeling good and explaining this to her she used it as an excuse to tell me I wanst in love with her like I used ti be, becasue while we were broke up I dated someone else briefly. She knew about it up front and she dated othe people while we was apart. but after being back togther 6 weeks or so and i started getting sick she then pops up and decides we need to be apart again. Just like the other 11 times but each time she used a diffrente excuse, she was confused, she needed space, I was to controlling, I was to posessive, I didnt really love her, her career took to much out of her. so it was always another excuse. but it was an eye opener, I think she thought I was going to die from my illness and she would be abandoned and of course if she abandoned me while I was sick that would look terrible so I think she jumped ship  before I found out what was wrong withme for sure. BUt it sure told me if I married this women and i ever really needed her I wouldnt be able to count on her because she will be gone.

I know how you are feeling cause after all she has done to me I still miss her and I love her but I have to think what would be any diffrent. I cant be any nicer then i was, I cant do more for her then I Have, I cant have sex with her more then i did, I dont have alot of money so i cant spend any more then I did, I cant forgive more then I have and I cant be a a complete door matt for her I have let her run over me enough. So I cant change enough to make it any diffrent and something tells me, experience probably, that no matter what I changed she would find something else. So resist if you can.

[Learning_curve74]

"What if?" and "I wonder when?" are two great ways for her to torture you without even being in touch with you anymore. Even though it's difficult you can make the choice to work on not being tortured by these thoughts.

I only suffer from "what if?" ruminations. But less and less, hoping it'll fade soon.

[Mutt]

She hurt me far worse the second time around.

Wow? This is the most pain I've had in my life and I can't imagine it being worse, but thanks for the warning. I get why people on these boards say not to recycle.

[Relentless]

Thanks everyone. I'm just trying to hang in there. I really hope she does try to recycle... . I'm focusing on me.

She really painted me black... . To her friends and family, though half or more of her friends didn't believe it all. They really try to come back after crazy break ups? Do they look back and just realize all the good over time one day? It sucks to think the mountain of great times we had and all the things I did for her and how I loved her just disappears... . A normal person integrates all info and knows the world is gray. I have a friend who got treatment and she aid she was suddenly able to look back and realize that she was hitty to her bf... . But I wonder if those realizations happen on their own ever. My ex barely ever had relationships. Lots of dating, but I was her only adult loving relationship, hence her being confused about her feelings.

I'm rambling now... . It just really sucks. And ... . I forgot what else I was gonna say.

Thanks everyone for the support.

[blurry]

She will recycle, check out all my posts and you'll find I asked the same question, its almost eerie how this disorder works. Just a matter of what she's up to while she's gone that I think determines how long. NC is a dual edged sword imo, its helps you move on but at the same time it speeds up their return too I think.

[blurry]

Oh I should add, obviously you don't want any more drama or to hurt anyone in the process, but no matter how ugly the breakup gets between me and my wife, and I mean it gets ugly, she says some of the most horrible things to me that I've ever heard said, I eventually, sometime around breakup number 3 and definitely after number 4 ( she had slept with 2 other guys by that time) I end up responding in kind now, we've had police involved, I've been locked repeatedly with nothing but my clothes on and nowhere to go, spent a night in jail, lost 5 jobs, kids involved, their dads, all family and friends, I more recently blew up everyone who knows her fb showing them how I caught her cheating, showing them suicide threats... . the list goes on and on, no matter how ugly, she will be back, and somehow she erases her mind of it all, all I ever really do is react to her, so I guess she can find forgiveness. easily, but its her initial actions (lying, cheating, breaking our commitment) that makes it impossible to erase my mind of all the horrible things she says and does. Its mind boggling, but I know no matter how bad it gets, she will try to recycle, unless maybe I'm wrong this time for once, which would be a blessing cause I know I'm not breaking NC.

[Ironmanrises]

Blurry,

NC is for the non to heal.

As incredibly hard as it is to not let any future re-engagement that will most likely come(especially if they have done that successfully before)... .

NC only works if you do not respond to them.

I am still reeling from the aftermath of my fatal error in letting her back in.

I was doing fine towards latter part of my NC after she left first time.

I had not reached out to her at all.

I invested far more of myself second round of relationship.

My pain in the eventual discard matches the investment i made.

It hurts beyond words.

I have to stay NC.

She will try and re-engage me again.

I have to heal. That will help me resist that.

NC is only thing that will help me with that.

My Ironman suit could not protect me.