What do we want?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Talking to a friend tonight about all this.  She said, "What do you want?  You say you it's over but you guys keep talking.  You're totally bereft without him.  Forget about what everyone else thinks.  What do you really want?"

Good question.  I had to think about that.  I guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me. 

And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Talking to a friend tonight about all this.  She said, "What do you want?  You say you it's over but you guys keep talking.  You're totally bereft without him.  Forget about what everyone else thinks.  What do you really want?"

Good question.  I had to think about that.  I guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me. 

And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth. 

[ucmeicu2]

I guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me.  And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth. 

<sigh>  that is also what i wanted.  also eventually realized it probably wasn't ever gonna happen and that i might die or go insane waiting.  i'm also heartbroken.  i'm trying to adjust... . accept... . move on... . heal from within.

 to you emilie

icu2

[Ironmanrises]

What we want is what the disorder prevents us from having.

A loving partner.

A cruel paradox we all endure.

[bpdspell]

We want endless passion, out of this world sexual chemistry, and idealization that lasts three lifetimes. In other words... . we want the fantasy of being rescued by love.

Spell

[jollygreen]

I wished she had a normal emotional mind. So she wouldn't have to suffer any more... . And maybe with me if she wants :-(

[Learning_curve74]

I want somebody to love me the way I love them. As much as I loved my BPDex, she is not that person that I want.

[Reg]

We all do want to love and be loved in return.

There's one question that was in my mind a few months ago, I would like to share on this matter.

What do we miss ?

Do we miss our borderline ex (because of the good parts) or do we just miss the fact that we are no longer in a relationship ?

I think many of us should really think good about that !

For me the answer was simple : I couldn't imagine myself hugging and kissing or having sex with my ex again.  She did go over my boundaries, so did I due to her and I don't want that to happen again.  She cheated, is in complete denial about her borderline, no thanks !  If she had, had the guts to look for help, she would have kept at least a good supportive friend.

So what I missed was a relationship, preferably a good and healthy one, accepting eachothers flaws and working on what is necessary.  In this case also ourselves !

Now ?  I'm just waiting to see what live will bring to me 

[ucmeicu2]

We want endless passion, out of this world sexual chemistry, and idealization that lasts three lifetimes. In other words... . we want the fantasy of being rescued by love.

and?   what exactly is wrong with that?  it felt pretty dmn good!   

(oh, and btw i thought maybe this means i'm a NPD or have N tendencies, but i took the online test and scored much lower than the avg, only 14%)

seriously, i haven't been here long enough to agree/disagree on your 1st sentence equating to your 2nd sentence but i have noticed you write a lot of sage words here, so i'll ponder it.  could you expound on what you mean by "rescued by"?

icu2

[winston72]

UC... . I love that quote from Farewell to Arms!  It is sad, pointed and insightful all at once, and it just nails me.  It is, of course, exactly what I was choosing and have to resist choosing again.  Oh, my!

Rescuing... . others and seeking to be rescued by love.  I think about this topic a lot.  I have a well defined pattern of seeking to rescue others.  I threw myself whole-heartedly into "making life better" for my ex.  I found a sense of meaning, purpose and pleasure in doing so.  It gave me a sense of identity.  I was conscious of it in the moment.  I knew I was meeting many of my own needs in doing so, but I thought it was fine because the net effects were positive.  Who could criticize someone for being constructive and self-sacrificial?

But, it didn't work.  My specific case was a bit absurd and I was used quite mercilessly, but such was my folly.  My need to give and to rescue blinded me to the danger of the minefield I had entered.  But it has all initiated some realizations within me.  I want to be rescued, so I fervently act to rescue others.  I think passionate love can change my life, can bring calm and meaning to my inner self, so I look for that "in-loveness" to rescue me.  I also try/tried to create that in-lovenss by injecting passion and self-sacrifice into my relationship (my ex one!).  As I type these things, they don't sound so bad!  I do want to be in love, I do want the transformational energy of acceptance and comfort and... . well, a loving partner.  But, but, but... . and here are some firm facts for me to embrace... . nobody can rescue me except me.  Love, in-love-ness cannot rescue me.  I cannot rescue me by rescuing others.  It is a change of thinking for me.  it still feels strange.

I am daily learning how to listen to myself, comfort myself and to no take responsibility for others. 

At the risk of repeating myself, I have learned that my rescuing patterns directed at others are mostly driven by unmet needs, wants and hurts within me.  The needs and hurts of others really touch nerves within me... . and I will go out of my way to help others.  I think what I am really doing is trying to address my needs by my actions toward others.  This obviously does not help me... . and my behaviors toward others (and I am thinking of my ex) really confuse and muck up a romantic relationship.

Partial thoughts... . my work day is calling me... . off I go!

[seeking balance]

Talking to a friend tonight about all this.  She said, "What do you want?  You say you it's over but you guys keep talking.  You're totally bereft without him.  Forget about what everyone else thinks.  What do you really want?"

Good question.  I had to think about that.  I guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me. 

And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth. 

Your friend asked a great question - what do you want?

You say a healthy relationship, but a healthy relationship takes 2 healthy people and 2 people with the emotional maturity to handle conflict and pain.

In times of what do you want questions - I think of the Sheryl Crow song line:

"It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got"

[ucmeicu2]

Talking to a friend tonight about all this.  She said, "What do you want?  You say you it's over but you guys keep talking.  You're totally bereft without him.  Forget about what everyone else thinks.  What do you really want?" Good question.  I had to think about that.  I guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me.  And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth. 

Your friend asked a great question - what do you want?

You say a healthy relationship, but a healthy relationship takes 2 healthy people and 2 people with the emotional maturity to handle conflict and pain.

i been thinking abt this a lot and the conclusion i'm coming to is it just could never work, basically under any possible combinations of healthy/unhealthy b/c b/c it's a bunch of catch-22's!

for example if she had been healthier i (and this hasn't been fun to examine this in me) but i probably wouldn't have been drawn to her, nor she to me, right?  and vice versa if i had been healthier i wouldn't have been drawn to her.

but clearly neither one of us was a healthy person b/c the healthy one would have walked away when the drama/dysfunction/red flags showed up!

and clearly i am not a healthy person b/c i, well frankly, i tend to find healthy people <gasp> boring... .   i guess i really enjoyed, on some level, the drama/chaos/etc that xBPDgf brought to the table.

icu2

[Moonie75]

All i want is a BPD detector app for my iphone!

[Undone123]

All i want is a BPD detector app for my iphone!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[charred]

I do a lot of systems trouble shooting and they say it takes 5 questions to get down to the real problem.

Your question; What do we want?

Your answer: "Guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me.

And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth."

Next question... Why do you want him to be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and have it with you?

Guessing at answer; Because you felt whole and loved during the good part of the relationship and want that to go on, just not the devaluing/bad part of the relationship... . and him being disordered is what makes the heartbreaking truth that you can't have that with him.

Next question... How was he able to get close enough to you and make you feel whole... . when other healthier people haven't?

Guess at answer; People with BPD ignore boundaries, and you keep a bit of a wall up that keeps most people away, keeps you from getting hurt and from getting close and connecting with people. Since he ignored your boundaries, then mirrored and loved bombed you... you put him on a pedestal and decided he made you feel whole.

Next question; Why don't you feel whole independent of whether you are in an r/s or not?

Guess at answer; People deal with trauma different ways, one way is to shut down emotions, and disassociate from feelings to get through the hard times... . when that becomes the habitual way you deal with feelings... to avoid them and try not to feel bad ones... you find yourself not connecting with people out of fear of getting hurt... you put up a wall and exist but don't feel very alive. A pwBPD draws out feelings in you from your childhood, connects to you and sets off emotional bombs... . and it is dizzying and confusing. The pedestal you put them on is subconsciously like a parent... . it seems like all that love bombing was unconditional love... . later when they withdrawl it, it seems like losing a parent, the hurt is deep and seemingly unending... . and it appears to be due to them. But they filled a hole and you really wanted that hole filled.

Next to last question; What is the hole they filled?

Guess at answer; Trauma from way back... that had effect of keeping us from connecting with most people. We have a very deep need for unconditional love/acceptance and when we don't get it we can avoid the very thing we most need... . real connections with people we love and that love us.

Last Question; How do we connect?

Best guess at answer; Learning to connect with all the people around us, so that we feel whole and are in fact healthy... then we have the ability to connect as an even partner with a partner that is able to connect with us... and leave the disorder and toxic r/s behind.

I didn't think it was this simple... . but am concluding it is.

Once you are centered from the fallout of the breakup... . you might want to try reading/applying this;

www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/

I spent over 25 yrs thinking that what I REALLY wanted was to have my GF back... . the one that got away (didn't know she was a pwBPD then)... and then I thought it was a miracle when I got her back... and instead I found that I had wanted the most horrible r/s I have ever had in my life. Clung to it for 3 yrs more of hell... recycled 7-8 times... and finally threw in the towel... pretty decimated. Came to understand BPD... she had told me she was diagnosed with it... but that left me wanting someone that was the bane of my existence... . and impossible for it to work. So... started asking questions and saw a T... and questioning my assumptions.

One assumption was that... . I was lucky to have grown up unscathed by my childhood... . guess what... I was very scathed. My mom lost her mother when she was only 5... in childbirth. So my mom grew up dumped on her grandparents... raising her two younger sisters... it was wartime and her father left shortly after her mother died. Well... my mom is not to blame, and is a good person, but is terrible with young kids... being around them is traumatizing to her... and she doesn't connect well with them... . so... I grew up not very securely attached... avoiding people and trying to avoid hurt.

Another assumption I had... . I am smart and tough and inquisitive... . and will figure out what complicated issue or issues I have and fix them, all I need to do is understand.  Well, I have done analysis-paralysis on BPD... believe I fully get what causes it, the symptoms, the way an r/s goes... and I lived in a r/s and wanted it for a long long time... . then found it unbearable. Knowing about it... didn't solve MY problems, it let me rationalize how such a smart tough inquisitive guy... . could fall for an over the top drama queen disordered woman ... . and then pine and wallow in the muck after that... . but it didn't fix it. I thought for sure the solution had to be something exotic... something tough... . but I was wrong.

When you don't connect well with your folks, or have issues connecting with people at any point... . what you want, what gives you that empty feeling and drives you to keep your feelings at bay... . is simply connecting with people. That lack is the void we feel. It is very common, it is simple, it is not scary to fix... just active listening and taking a genuine interest in other people. The secret isnt secret... its ignored... Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" covers it... the link I gave ... . that arcticle is excellent ... . Brene Brown's books come to same conclusion... . we have issues connecting, so learn to connect, fill the hole, be whole and the disordered guy that ignored you defenses... won't be what you want in your life... your life will be full on its own with room for someone healthy.

That is my sincere hope for you.

[Undone123]

I do a lot of systems trouble shooting and they say it takes 5 questions to get down to the real problem.

Your question; What do we want?

Your answer: "Guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me.

And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth."

Next question... Why do you want him to be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and have it with you?

Guessing at answer; Because you felt whole and loved during the good part of the relationship and want that to go on, just not the devaluing/bad part of the relationship... . and him being disordered is what makes the heartbreaking truth that you can't have that with him.

Next question... How was he able to get close enough to you and make you feel whole... . when other healthier people haven't?

Guess at answer; People with BPD ignore boundaries, and you keep a bit of a wall up that keeps most people away, keeps you from getting hurt and from getting close and connecting with people. Since he ignored your boundaries, then mirrored and loved bombed you... you put him on a pedestal and decided he made you feel whole.

Next question; Why don't you feel whole independent of whether you are in an r/s or not?

Guess at answer; People deal with trauma different ways, one way is to shut down emotions, and disassociate from feelings to get through the hard times... . when that becomes the habitual way you deal with feelings... to avoid them and try not to feel bad ones... you find yourself not connecting with people out of fear of getting hurt... you put up a wall and exist but don't feel very alive. A pwBPD draws out feelings in you from your childhood, connects to you and sets off emotional bombs... . and it is dizzying and confusing. The pedestal you put them on is subconsciously like a parent... . it seems like all that love bombing was unconditional love... . later when they withdrawl it, it seems like losing a parent, the hurt is deep and seemingly unending... . and it appears to be due to them. But they filled a hole and you really wanted that hole filled.

Next to last question; What is the hole they filled?

Guess at answer; Trauma from way back... that had effect of keeping us from connecting with most people. We have a very deep need for unconditional love/acceptance and when we don't get it we can avoid the very thing we most need... . real connections with people we love and that love us.

Last Question; How do we connect?

Best guess at answer; Learning to connect with all the people around us, so that we feel whole and are in fact healthy... then we have the ability to connect as an even partner with a partner that is able to connect with us... and leave the disorder and toxic r/s behind.

I didn't think it was this simple... . but am concluding it is.

Once you are centered from the fallout of the breakup... . you might want to try reading/applying this;

www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/

I spent over 25 yrs thinking that what I REALLY wanted was to have my GF back... . the one that got away (didn't know she was a pwBPD then)... and then I thought it was a miracle when I got her back... and instead I found that I had wanted the most horrible r/s I have ever had in my life. Clung to it for 3 yrs more of hell... recycled 7-8 times... and finally threw in the towel... pretty decimated. Came to understand BPD... she had told me she was diagnosed with it... but that left me wanting someone that was the bane of my existence... . and impossible for it to work. So... started asking questions and saw a T... and questioning my assumptions.

One assumption was that... . I was lucky to have grown up unscathed by my childhood... . guess what... I was very scathed. My mom lost her mother when she was only 5... in childbirth. So my mom grew up dumped on her grandparents... raising her two younger sisters... it was wartime and her father left shortly after her mother died. Well... my mom is not to blame, and is a good person, but is terrible with young kids... being around them is traumatizing to her... and she doesn't connect well with them... . so... I grew up not very securely attached... avoiding people and trying to avoid hurt.

Another assumption I had... . I am smart and tough and inquisitive... . and will figure out what complicated issue or issues I have and fix them, all I need to do is understand.  Well, I have done analysis-paralysis on BPD... believe I fully get what causes it, the symptoms, the way an r/s goes... and I lived in a r/s and wanted it for a long long time... . then found it unbearable. Knowing about it... didn't solve MY problems, it let me rationalize how such a smart tough inquisitive guy... . could fall for an over the top drama queen disordered woman ... . and then pine and wallow in the muck after that... . but it didn't fix it. I thought for sure the solution had to be something exotic... something tough... . but I was wrong.

When you don't connect well with your folks, or have issues connecting with people at any point... . what you want, what gives you that empty feeling and drives you to keep your feelings at bay... . is simply connecting with people. That lack is the void we feel. It is very common, it is simple, it is not scary to fix... just active listening and taking a genuine interest in other people. The secret isnt secret... its ignored... Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" covers it... the link I gave ... . that arcticle is excellent ... . Brene Brown's books come to same conclusion... . we have issues connecting, so learn to connect, fill the hole, be whole and the disordered guy that ignored you defenses... won't be what you want in your life... your life will be full on its own with room for someone healthy.

That is my sincere hope for you.

wow that has to be the most helpful post I've ever read... . really relate to it. Thank you

[caughtnreleased]

We want endless passion, out of this world sexual chemistry, and idealization that lasts three lifetimes. In other words... . we want the fantasy of being rescued by love.

Spell

We want it all, and for a moment we think we had it. But all doesn't exist... . It's a facade that pwBPD are very talented at putting up a facade temporarily and when the mask falls of we keep trying to get them to put it back on because we liked it so much. But it just wasn't real.

[caughtnreleased]

I do a lot of systems trouble shooting and they say it takes 5 questions to get down to the real problem.

Your question; What do we want?

Your answer: "Guess what I really want is for him to  be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and want to have it with me.

And that I can't have.  That's the heartbreaking truth."

Next question... Why do you want him to be capable of a relatively healthy relationship and have it with you?

Guessing at answer; Because you felt whole and loved during the good part of the relationship and want that to go on, just not the devaluing/bad part of the relationship... . and him being disordered is what makes the heartbreaking truth that you can't have that with him.

Next question... How was he able to get close enough to you and make you feel whole... . when other healthier people haven't?

Guess at answer; People with BPD ignore boundaries, and you keep a bit of a wall up that keeps most people away, keeps you from getting hurt and from getting close and connecting with people. Since he ignored your boundaries, then mirrored and loved bombed you... you put him on a pedestal and decided he made you feel whole.

Next question; Why don't you feel whole independent of whether you are in an r/s or not?

Guess at answer; People deal with trauma different ways, one way is to shut down emotions, and disassociate from feelings to get through the hard times... . when that becomes the habitual way you deal with feelings... to avoid them and try not to feel bad ones... you find yourself not connecting with people out of fear of getting hurt... you put up a wall and exist but don't feel very alive. A pwBPD draws out feelings in you from your childhood, connects to you and sets off emotional bombs... . and it is dizzying and confusing. The pedestal you put them on is subconsciously like a parent... . it seems like all that love bombing was unconditional love... . later when they withdrawl it, it seems like losing a parent, the hurt is deep and seemingly unending... . and it appears to be due to them. But they filled a hole and you really wanted that hole filled.

Next to last question; What is the hole they filled?

Guess at answer; Trauma from way back... that had effect of keeping us from connecting with most people. We have a very deep need for unconditional love/acceptance and when we don't get it we can avoid the very thing we most need... . real connections with people we love and that love us.

Last Question; How do we connect?

Best guess at answer; Learning to connect with all the people around us, so that we feel whole and are in fact healthy... then we have the ability to connect as an even partner with a partner that is able to connect with us... and leave the disorder and toxic r/s behind.

I didn't think it was this simple... . but am concluding it is.

Once you are centered from the fallout of the breakup... . you might want to try reading/applying this;

www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/

I spent over 25 yrs thinking that what I REALLY wanted was to have my GF back... . the one that got away (didn't know she was a pwBPD then)... and then I thought it was a miracle when I got her back... and instead I found that I had wanted the most horrible r/s I have ever had in my life. Clung to it for 3 yrs more of hell... recycled 7-8 times... and finally threw in the towel... pretty decimated. Came to understand BPD... she had told me she was diagnosed with it... but that left me wanting someone that was the bane of my existence... . and impossible for it to work. So... started asking questions and saw a T... and questioning my assumptions.

One assumption was that... . I was lucky to have grown up unscathed by my childhood... . guess what... I was very scathed. My mom lost her mother when she was only 5... in childbirth. So my mom grew up dumped on her grandparents... raising her two younger sisters... it was wartime and her father left shortly after her mother died. Well... my mom is not to blame, and is a good person, but is terrible with young kids... being around them is traumatizing to her... and she doesn't connect well with them... . so... I grew up not very securely attached... avoiding people and trying to avoid hurt.

Another assumption I had... . I am smart and tough and inquisitive... . and will figure out what complicated issue or issues I have and fix them, all I need to do is understand.  Well, I have done analysis-paralysis on BPD... believe I fully get what causes it, the symptoms, the way an r/s goes... and I lived in a r/s and wanted it for a long long time... . then found it unbearable. Knowing about it... didn't solve MY problems, it let me rationalize how such a smart tough inquisitive guy... . could fall for an over the top drama queen disordered woman ... . and then pine and wallow in the muck after that... . but it didn't fix it. I thought for sure the solution had to be something exotic... something tough... . but I was wrong.

When you don't connect well with your folks, or have issues connecting with people at any point... . what you want, what gives you that empty feeling and drives you to keep your feelings at bay... . is simply connecting with people. That lack is the void we feel. It is very common, it is simple, it is not scary to fix... just active listening and taking a genuine interest in other people. The secret isnt secret... its ignored... Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" covers it... the link I gave ... . that arcticle is excellent ... . Brene Brown's books come to same conclusion... . we have issues connecting, so learn to connect, fill the hole, be whole and the disordered guy that ignored you defenses... won't be what you want in your life... your life will be full on its own with room for someone healthy.

That is my sincere hope for you.

wow that has to be the most helpful post I've ever read... . really relate to it. Thank you

Yes thanks for that! It really wrapped it all up. You nailed it!

[nevaeh]

Don't have time to read all of this now... . posting so I can join in conversation later and follow along in the meantime.  Great post!

[Moonie75]

Being serious now.

What do I want?

What do I want for the relationship? - For it to remain over forever.

What do I want for me? - At the moment I want to continue recovering, looking at my own issues, while all the time enjoying new opportunities & meeting new people. I don't want any romance this side of Xmas.

What do I want for my ex? - I want her to do what's best for her! If that is to carry on living her crazy train life I'm happy to let her go get on with it if it's what she's comfortable with. If she later decides what's best for her is therapy... . I want her to commit to it & improve or even get better. If it would take her meeting a man that beats me hands down in every way, for her fears to get too much for her coping mechanisms & accept her flaws, I truly hope she meets that man she fears losing more than me  & inspires her to get help.



I want both of us to grow old smiling (but not together).

[confusedhubby]

Hi Emelie. Great question! Thanks for sharing.

What do I want?

1. A mother who can address her BPD and substance abuse problems so she can be there for her two young children. This is my primary goal.

2. If not too much to ask, an honest answer for why she did what she did.

3. Closure.

[Bananas]

What do I want?

From my ex?

Honesty and accountability about the past.  A sincere apology.  Empathy.

Will I get it?  No.  I think not because he hates me, not because wants to hurt me, not because he doesn't care, not because he doesn't want to but simply because he can't.  And I accept that. 

What do I want for me?

Peace and calm.  Love.  And I can get that from myself.  I am working on it.

[Cmjo]

You say a healthy relationship, but a healthy relationship takes 2 healthy people and 2 people with the emotional maturity to handle conflict and pain.

I would like to be in a healthy relationship. I would like to meet a man who understands what a healthy relationship is. I would like a partner who is able to talk with language like "resolving issues" "quality time" "responsibility" "respect for each others feelings" "common goals" etc.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to all

Cmjo, Bananas, your posts totally summed it up for me.

Yes, I can wade through all the psychological reasons why I was attracted to someone with uBPD, and why I kept attracting the same types of partners, (controlling and abusive men).

But it still doesn't take away the very basics of wanting to love and being loved back romantically... Romantic love is what I mean here, there are many different types of love, the love we have for our friends and family and children is a totally different kind of love to that which we have for our choice of romantic partners in life.

Some of us can function quite well without any such romantic relationships for many years of our lives, and some of us just aren't cut out to be long term single people.

I really don't think any of us are at the very heart of it all, it is in our very basic instincts to pair up, just like animals, only we are the most intelligent animals on this earth, the ones supposedly with all the answers and emotional skills.

I see so many people out there, allegedly happily single, but I don't believe deep down that they really are...

When you talk to people and get to know them, there will always be a history to their singledom, unless they are very young, just starting out and still living at home with their parents, (and even a lot of young people get into serious relationships anyway).


I look around me and see some loving long term relationships, and wish that I could have had that path, and then I look around and see more of the destruction that people are doing to each other, and it makes me sick to the stomach.

I am not seeing a whole lot of men that I can respect, and I am not seeing a whole lot of women that I can respect either, I see them all drinking constantly, trying to be teenagers well into their 50's, some 70's, and I hope that whilst I don't wish to become a miserable fuddy duddy, I also don't want to look like an idiot when I am 60 or 70 years of age.

I guess I want to stay modern but not trying hard to be too modern... .

What I am basically saying, is that I wanted to have a relationship with this man, and at the age of 45, I really didn't want to have to go through a breakup all over again.

This man went all out to convince me that he was a serious man, that he felt the same for me as I did for him, and he never wanted to let me go. The mere fact that he admitted to me for the first two years that he knew he needed help was the only reason I stayed... (foolishly I actually thought his promises of seeking help would eventuate like he indicated he would).

I wanted him to prove his words of love with his actions, and commit to making his relationship work like he kept saying he wanted it to.

He said he would never let me go, or never leave me, but he did so often it has destroyed me, as did his actions...

I didn't want to have to go through another few years of healing yet another mistake, (feeling conned all over again), only to be nearly 50 and be out there hoping one day to meet someone else I felt that way about again.

I also don't want to end up like so many others, single for the rest of their lives, and closed to romantic love... (shutting the idea of being vulnerable and intimate again, out the door).

I don't see what is wrong with loving someone that much, and having a right to be visibly upset and angry that it hasn't worked out, when you put so much effort into it and really you didn't want to break up or be broken up with so often.

I am also angry at the legal system, that more is not done about people who turn violent towards their partners, and they are not immediately legally required to seek help to change their ways.

I am sick to death of the onus being placed on the other partner, in that it is your fault that you go back to them, your fault they abused you, and just suck it in and get a restraining order, and go NC (which does nothing 90% of the time anyway).

In fact a lot of the time, restraining orders just make things worse for the partner who took it out. A large amount of murders have been committed by ex partners after a restraining order is in effect...

Hence the reason most are afraid to take one out against a former partner.

I am totally fed up with the police not being educated enough to understand the dynamics of violent relationships, and why people keep going back. Since the police are primarily the ones dealing with the fallout of violence of any sort, and are always called in to preserve the peace, (and also to deal with mentally unstable people that are out of control), by now you would think they would understand the dynamics of violence in people...

Um, how long have we had policing for?

One thing I am going to do with the experiences I have had, is lobby for change. I don't quite know how, but I am going to do something with this negative experience, and all the others I have had too... I copped so much abuse in my life, and they all got away with it, if anything I was blamed for it myself!

I might be able to use this pain to help others, and hopefully people won't make the same mistakes... They won't rationalise or minimise the red flags to themselves, and they won't listen to that internal dialogue that tells them they swear or have made mistakes and therefore pass off things this new person is telling them...

And I am quite literally sick of seeing the fallout that mentally ill people get away with. Nothing is done about it, and this needs to change. People need to be aware that there are consequences for their actions, I mean there are consequences for just about every other aspect of life isn't there?

I want things to change for people, so that others don't have to get sucked back in to these negative cycles and relationships, and blow it, I believe that more of the fault lies with the sleaze tactics of the perpetrators, not their confused partners.

Recently, after the last few times I saw my ex uBPD partner and he assaulted me, I went to see my therapist, she asked me how the police handled this incident report, and I told her. She was horrified that they had not charged him, and that nothing had been done about this at all.

They saw the damage to my property, and they saw the damage that had been done to me, and nothing... They did not take him to the police station, they did not order him to attend Anger Management, or take him to a hospital for a psyche assessment, he simply got away with it.

To me, that totally sucks...

No wonder there is so much crime these days, there are almost no consequences for the perpetrator, and even if there are, they are only in jail for a year, and can be back out walking the streets again soon after...

Like I said, no consequences, they simply move on, and get away with the same type of stuff with other women/men.

I recently found out another truth to more of the lies he had told me at the start...

One of the women he was hanging around prior to meeting me, had known him for 25 years, having dated one of his then closest friends. BP made out to me that he wasn't interested in her 'romantically' they were just friends, but again, he was hanging around her an awful lot for someone who only wanted friendship.

At one point, she must have said something to him that upset him, and he turned violent on her, and grabbed her forcefully, getting physically violent...

She called the police on him, and that was the last time she saw him, (only weeks before he met me). He didn't tell me about this, (of course). And he didn't tell me that the reason his last serious relationship had ended ten years before he met me, was because he had started abusing his then partner... They were planning their wedding, but she called it off unless he was prepared to do counselling with her... We can all guess what happened...

He moved out  of her apartment, back to his own, yet blames her for leaving him for some better guy...

He tells everyone the story that he totally supported her financially the whole time, whilst she studied, but knowing him like I have, I seriously doubt he did.

He also tells everyone that she tried doing a runner with all the wedding money 'he' was saving, (in a joint account!), so she could go to Europe to see her family. He says he caught her trying to empty the account before she left.

So he tells it like she was swanning off to Europe for Christmas without him, and also dumping him and trying to rip him off...

But the real truth is, that he was violent, refused counselling, so she decided to go back to stay with her family when she finished her study, since by his refusal to attend counselling with her, he was also accepting their wedding was off unless he did.

He ended it by moving out, but tells everyone she abandoned him!

Just like he tells everyone about me... . Oh, lets not forget all the other lies he had told...

[ucmeicu2]

We want it all, and for a moment we think we had it. But all doesn't exist... . It's a facade that pwBPD are very talented at putting up a facade temporarily and when the mask falls of we keep trying to get them to put it back on because we liked it so much. But it just wasn't real.

i think it was real.  i felt it.  therefore it was real for me.

was it sustainable?  absolutely not.

did my xBPDgf feel/experience the same thing i did?  probably not, but then again i think that could be said on some level about all love r/s's.  ie our reality is based on our perceptions and our interpretation of those perceptions so no way in h*ll each person in even the healthiest of love r/s's are experiencing the same thing at the same time, even tho they probably think they are.

my xBPDgf was primarily an internally abusive Waif BPD.  sure, she did things that hurt me, but she also was one of the most compassionate, empathetic, sensual, giving person i've ever met.  maybe it was all that giving that drove her crazy. 

icu2

[changingme]

charred,

 Hugs to you for that awesome post!

I recently have stepped out on your path.  I thought I wanted my ex but I see I wanted to fill a void feeling he was the key to my happiness and wholeness. I kept asking myself WHY! Why do I feel so disconnected.  Why do I think he is the cause to all my problems and sadness.  How could he possibly have that much power in my life? But in realization I was sad and empty before I met him. I began to understand the connection from childhood that left me feeling so disconnected.  The more I delve into understanding BPD the more layers of the onion get peeled.  The more anger gets uncovered and the more people I have to forgive and the more things I have to let go.  And the more I peel the more the onion causes me to cry and be stuck in feeling so terrible.  Your words are just what I needed to hear.  To remind me I am on the right track and that I am working towards truly knowing what I want.  Your encouragement to continue to research through the provided article is the boost I needed.

Thank you for your words. 

[charred]

charred,

 Hugs to you for that awesome post!

I recently have stepped out on your path.  I thought I wanted my ex but I see I wanted to fill a void feeling he was the key to my happiness and wholeness. I kept asking myself WHY! Why do I feel so disconnected.  Why do I think he is the cause to all my problems and sadness.  How could he possibly have that much power in my life? But in realization I was sad and empty before I met him. I began to understand the connection from childhood that left me feeling so disconnected.  The more I delve into understanding BPD the more layers of the onion get peeled.  The more anger gets uncovered and the more people I have to forgive and the more things I have to let go.  And the more I peel the more the onion causes me to cry and be stuck in feeling so terrible.  Your words are just what I needed to hear.  To remind me I am on the right track and that I am working towards truly knowing what I want.  Your encouragement to continue to research through the provided article is the boost I needed.

Thank you for your words. 

Thank you.

I have made a lot of posts only a few I think are really good and on target... that was most on.

It isn't just figuring out what BPD is, why we fell for them, or realizing we have our own issues... . its what do you do about it.

For a while I was stuck trying to figure it out... it was simple. Its all attachment issues... BPD ... and nons... and most people.

We all don't connect well, and when you feel genuinely connected to a lot of people (friends) and close people (family)... you feel alive and loved.

To stay that way you have to keep present and really listen and care and be genuine.

As we slip away from the present, get wrapped around the axle of avoiding feeling anything... . we get ego where genuine feelings and emotions should be.

The article really puts it in one simple place... . I had a mindfulness app on my phone to remind me to be present/mindful... . used to have it go off every 20 mins... now I have it about 5 times a day... still for mindfulness, but I am re-reading the article multiple times a day, and then running in to people and actively trying to connect and be interested and nice/pleasant... hope it becomes a habit... my initial results are both encouraging (that its possible to change and not that hard)... . and discouraging... . that I have avoided people/feelings for so long.

[delgato]

wow that has to be the most helpful post I've ever read... . really relate to it. Thank you

Agreed. Great post from charred!

[nevaeh]

The article really puts it in one simple place... . I had a mindfulness app on my phone to remind me to be present/mindful... . used to have it go off every 20 mins... now I have it about 5 times a day... still for mindfulness, but I am re-reading the article multiple times a day, and then running in to people and actively trying to connect and be interested and nice/pleasant... hope it becomes a habit... my initial results are both encouraging (that its possible to change and not that hard)... . and discouraging... . that I have avoided people/feelings for so long.

Would you mind telling what the app is that you use?  It sounds interesting!

[Slowlybutsurely]

Charred, Thank you for your extremely insightful and helpful post. One of the best I've read here. Thank you!     

[charred]

The article really puts it in one simple place... . I had a mindfulness app on my phone to remind me to be present/mindful... . used to have it go off every 20 mins... now I have it about 5 times a day... still for mindfulness, but I am re-reading the article multiple times a day, and then running in to people and actively trying to connect and be interested and nice/pleasant... hope it becomes a habit... my initial results are both encouraging (that its possible to change and not that hard)... . and discouraging... . that I have avoided people/feelings for so long.

Would you mind telling what the app is that you use?  It sounds interesting!

Free one called "Mindfulness Bell" for android.