Was I, myself, the biggest trigger?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDxgf struggled a lot with the symptoms of BPD in high school.  So much in fact that she was pulled out of school and diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety.  She came from a wealthy area and I guess she got picked on a lot.  High school is always rough, but it seems that her experience was really dreadful.  She doesn't have any friends that she still communicates with from high school.  She hates even being in her hometown, for fear that she will bump into someone that used to pick on her.  She escaped almost every day by coming to my house, over an hour away.  Even in college, she struggled with the loneliness factor so much that she never completed a full year of courses without taking time off with medical leave.  She never felt good enough, I guess, around her peers.  She often told me she didn't fit in with people her own age, and harbored a lot of hostility for her peers that were in the "college scene".  She only has maybe 3 friends she speaks to regularly from college, but in our time together, I met them only a handful of times.  Very different from the amount of time I spend with or communicating with my friends.

I, on the other hand, still keep in touch with lots of people from my hometown and high school years.  In the beginning of our relationship, during the extreme idealization stage, she often told me she was glad we didn't meet until she was in college because if I had known her in high school I wouldn't have liked her and would have picked on her.  She created this image of me from my high school years (we met when I was 26, so she really had no idea what I was like back then) that made me sound like the coolest kid in school.  In reality, I was just going through the high school motions, just your average student/athlete, but sure, I did have a lot of friends.  She always made a point to tell me how "cool" I am.  She always told me she felt so "cool" to just be around me.  She was very focused on the "cool" factor.

Our last breakup, which I am confident will be the last, stemmed from a fight that she picked regarding a girl I dated in high school when I was 15 (over a decade ago... ).  I do keep in touch with her sporatically, as we run in the same group of friends.  We talk on the holidays, and far a few times inbetween that.  She has a fiance, and there is nothing romantic between us, nor has there been for over ten years.  My BPDxgf saw that this girl texted me.  She said something about a mutual friend we have, nothing shadey at all.  My BPDxgf flipped out, verbally bashing me, claiming that I must be in a relationship with this girl.  She threw out all the classic digs to hurt me, and it escalated so much that she actually punched me twice.  She had never physically attacked me before, but  I stayed calm the whole time, and after it was over, I realized that our relationship had become beyond repair and I needed to let her go.

We did talk for the few days after, and mainly it was about her NEED for me, and how she couldn't live without me.  She felt ashamed and embarrassed by how she had reacted, but after I would forgive her, a switch would go off and she immediately started ragefully accusing me of being with that girl from high school again!  During our last conversation, before she pulled the suicide threats and the "please don't leave me, I hate you though" stuff, she said something that made me think that maybe this whole time I have been the trigger for her symptoms:

She said that the girl from high school I dated looked like all the pretty girls that used to pick on her, and she was certain that she would pick on her if they ever met.  She told me she hated people like her, and me, in high school, and then cursed me out.  So it got me thinking that since the root of her problems with BPD had to do with relationships in high school and what a rough time it was for her, maybe the fact that my high school years were excellent triggered it all for her?  She has no relationships with anyone in her family, except a strained long distance relationship with her mother, and I, on the other hand have a huge family that I'm almost unheathily close to.  Since her inability to hold healthy relationships with friends or family (and now me) is her biggest struggle, was it a trigger for her that I have all of those things that she so deeply desired and couldn't cultivate?

This mentality has helped me let her go this time, because I love her very much, and I know that because of the BPD, she feels a lot of things that are beyond her control.  Letting her go has been so damn difficult, but I keep telling myself that I was catalyst for a lot of anger and sadness inside of her.  I'm not blaming myself, because I know that I treated her like gold.  I'm just trying to rationalize why loving her with all my heart wasn't enough.

[Morrison11]

My BPDxgf struggled a lot with the symptoms of BPD in high school.  So much in fact that she was pulled out of school and diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety.  She came from a wealthy area and I guess she got picked on a lot.  High school is always rough, but it seems that her experience was really dreadful.  She doesn't have any friends that she still communicates with from high school.  She hates even being in her hometown, for fear that she will bump into someone that used to pick on her.  She escaped almost every day by coming to my house, over an hour away.  Even in college, she struggled with the loneliness factor so much that she never completed a full year of courses without taking time off with medical leave.  She never felt good enough, I guess, around her peers.  She often told me she didn't fit in with people her own age, and harbored a lot of hostility for her peers that were in the "college scene".  She only has maybe 3 friends she speaks to regularly from college, but in our time together, I met them only a handful of times.  Very different from the amount of time I spend with or communicating with my friends.

I, on the other hand, still keep in touch with lots of people from my hometown and high school years.  In the beginning of our relationship, during the extreme idealization stage, she often told me she was glad we didn't meet until she was in college because if I had known her in high school I wouldn't have liked her and would have picked on her.  She created this image of me from my high school years (we met when I was 26, so she really had no idea what I was like back then) that made me sound like the coolest kid in school.  In reality, I was just going through the high school motions, just your average student/athlete, but sure, I did have a lot of friends.  She always made a point to tell me how "cool" I am.  She always told me she felt so "cool" to just be around me.  She was very focused on the "cool" factor.

Our last breakup, which I am confident will be the last, stemmed from a fight that she picked regarding a girl I dated in high school when I was 15 (over a decade ago... ).  I do keep in touch with her sporatically, as we run in the same group of friends.  We talk on the holidays, and far a few times inbetween that.  She has a fiance, and there is nothing romantic between us, nor has there been for over ten years.  My BPDxgf saw that this girl texted me.  She said something about a mutual friend we have, nothing shadey at all.  My BPDxgf flipped out, verbally bashing me, claiming that I must be in a relationship with this girl.  She threw out all the classic digs to hurt me, and it escalated so much that she actually punched me twice.  She had never physically attacked me before, but  I stayed calm the whole time, and after it was over, I realized that our relationship had become beyond repair and I needed to let her go.

We did talk for the few days after, and mainly it was about her NEED for me, and how she couldn't live without me.  She felt ashamed and embarrassed by how she had reacted, but after I would forgive her, a switch would go off and she immediately started ragefully accusing me of being with that girl from high school again!  During our last conversation, before she pulled the suicide threats and the "please don't leave me, I hate you though" stuff, she said something that made me think that maybe this whole time I have been the trigger for her symptoms:

She said that the girl from high school I dated looked like all the pretty girls that used to pick on her, and she was certain that she would pick on her if they ever met.  She told me she hated people like her, and me, in high school, and then cursed me out.  So it got me thinking that since the root of her problems with BPD had to do with relationships in high school and what a rough time it was for her, maybe the fact that my high school years were excellent triggered it all for her?  She has no relationships with anyone in her family, except a strained long distance relationship with her mother, and I, on the other hand have a huge family that I'm almost unheathily close to.  Since her inability to hold healthy relationships with friends or family (and now me) is her biggest struggle, was it a trigger for her that I have all of those things that she so deeply desired and couldn't cultivate?

This mentality has helped me let her go this time, because I love her very much, and I know that because of the BPD, she feels a lot of things that are beyond her control.  Letting her go has been so damn difficult, but I keep telling myself that I was catalyst for a lot of anger and sadness inside of her.  I'm not blaming myself, because I know that I treated her like gold.  I'm just trying to rationalize why loving her with all my heart wasn't enough.

[Moonie75]

Morrison,

I too was the biggest trigger my ex had ever had. And like your situation it went back to childhood events which I reminded her of (she's actually told me that). A therapist told me that the more you trigger within them the stronger their feelings for you are! So being the biggest trigger is a total $hit, but on the other side it says they may have loved you more than any other! Kind of like a back handed compliment.

Some will agree, some won't, but it helps me deal with it. And helps me stay grounded that it wasn't all my fault. I triggered HER ISSUES, I was on the outside of her mind, the trigger that goes off is on the inside!

[Hazelrah]

Interesting question. My separated BPDw seemingly suffered the loss of my mother much worse than me--they had become best friends, and my mom's death triggered my W's deepest fear: death.  She has a heart defect and almost died as a child; additionally, her father had died from a similar illness in the very same hospital a couple years before my mom.  She basically suffered a near-nervous breakdown shortly after the death, and left our home for a few weeks, only to return and work extra hard at making our marriage work. 

Her latest departure in mid-June came on the heels of Mother's Day, my mom's b-day, and a planned vacation to a spot my family, myself and my wife attended yearly.  Doesn't feel like a coincidence, given the feelings around that time--she's even said I trigger these feelings in her.  She also still insists she holds a lot of resentment towards me concerning the circumstances following my mother's death... . namely that she had to take on too much responsibility for cleaning out my mother's closets and personal possessions.  The thing is, she offered to do this, but I had a feeling it would be too much for her, and I tried to get her to let someone else take on these daunting tasks--she refused.  I validate, but I also try telling her she needs to live with the decisions she makes as an adult.  Of course, this never really works.   

[Clearmind]

 

Those closest to them spark their abandonment fears. Borderlines also fear intimacy and engulfment - all diametric feelings which create splitting (black and white thinking) - all good OR all bad - so yes we are a huge trigger.

Unfortunately the belief that "Love will prevail" - is not enough in any relationship let alone a BPD one. This is not about you my friend, its about her fears about herself and her life.

Where to from here?

[Morrison11]

Thanx Clearmind, you're right.

From here, I'm all about understanding and accepting.  None of it changes the love I feel for her, but I've got to keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing for myself AND for her.

The way I am looking at it is, why would I want to work on things with her, when I am a trigger for all the awful emotions she gets overwhelmed with?  Sure, we had great times together, but I am trying to be selfless here, and tell myself I don't want to cause her any more pain than she already is feeling.  Also, for me, the worst part of the devaluing from her was that she created all of these farfetched scenarios, focusing on accusing me of cheating.  I've never been a cheater, I'm one of those old hopeless romantics, and being faithful is something I pride myself on. I feel I should never have to defend my character to someone who can't see it clearly. So I have to keep telling myself that her accusations will never stop, no matter how much time goes by without one.

I know eventually there will be another recycle attempt, but as long as I can fall asleep at night knowing that I am doing whats right for her and me, I'm going to continue on this path of letting go.

I hope she gets back into DBT and starts practicing her coping skills again.  I know she is loveable, because I do love her.  I just hope that her next significant romantic partner she finds isn't devalued in the way that I was.  I hope she doesn't run back to exes that treated her terribly, and didn't take a moment to understand the way her mind functions.  I hope great things for her, and I know it is possible.  She has the capacity to be a wonderful girlfriend, as long as she can cope with the irrational fear of abandonment.

[Clearmind]

Projections (blame shifting) are the hallmark of BPD and accusations are an attempt to push away those that are close - not your fault.

Morrison, you seem to see this quite clearly - the most important thing to remember for us is to remove ourselves out of the rescuing role - there are reasons why we tend to rescue.

[peas]

I, too, felt I was a huge trigger in my ex-uBPDbf. I represented a lot of pain for him. A month after we started dating, when I fell super hard for him and he was developing strong feelings for me, I moved five hours away for a job. His his ex-wife had a job that required her to travel a lot and he hated it. So all those feelings about his failed marriage were brought back with my traveling away for work. Talk about bringing full-on abandonment issues.

We lasted six months in a long-distance r/s, and I visited him almost every weekend and holiday. I also vowed that I would return to him full-time or make an arrangement where we lived together, either in my new town or back with him in our old town. That wasn't enough. He claimed to want to have a future with me but he couldn't follow through. 

I give him credit for trying, but I knew me living away was a dealbreaker for him. He would tell me how much he missed me and needed me during the week and it broke my heart that I couldn't be there for him 24/7.

Also, my career success triggered feelings of inadequacy in him with his lack of career success. I am ambitious and have direction, he isn't and doesn't. I am not an addict, and he abuses alcohol. I'm worldly and he doesn't like to travel.

So me as a person in general triggered him big-time. I knew it, too, and I tried hard to make him less anxious about me. Likewise, I think all the things that triggered him in a bad way were the same things that triggered his attraction to me. I wasn't like the other women he dated. I know he was in love with me for the very same reasons he couldn't love me.

[eyvindr]

Very tough thing to wrap our brains around, but Clearmind does a great job of summing it up here:

Unfortunately the belief that "Love will prevail" - is not enough in any relationship let alone a BPD one. This is not about you my friend, its about her fears about herself and her life.

(You sound like my former T there when you ask, "Where to from here?"   )

peas -- this rings very true for me, too --

So me as a person in general triggered him big-time. I knew it, too, and I tried hard to make him less anxious about me. Likewise, I think all the things that triggered him in a bad way were the same things that triggered his attraction to me. I wasn't like the other women he dated. I know he was in love with me for the very same reasons he couldn't love me.

My ex, during the positive (and likely idealization) phases used to tell me that she'd never known anyone like me before, that I wasn't like anyone she'd ever been with. Same as you, though -- apparently as attracted as she was to me, the person I am was not someone who made her consistently happy. According to her, I was confusing, not "normal," lacked an understanding of r-ships, didn't know how "normal" r-ships proceeded, didn't know how "normal" people showed supportiveness and attention, etc. I took her words to heart, but whenever I said "maybe we should think about splitting up -- you deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be with someone who likes me," she'd accuse me of being unrealistic, seeking perfection and not loving her as much as she loved me, if I was apparently able to "just walk away."

Very confusing and frustrating.

[peas]

Eyvindr, this sounds like her projecting:

According to her, I was confusing, not "normal," lacked an understanding of r-ships, didn't know how "normal" r-ships proceeded, didn't know how "normal" people showed supportiveness and attention, etc.

She was probably in awe of you and it scared her -- she probably thought she didn't measure up to your standards or expectations.

And this part:

I took her words to heart, but whenever I said "maybe we should think about splitting up -- you deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be with someone who likes me,"

When my ex would complain endlessly about needing me and how I "wasn't there" for him, I would give him the option to breakup up so he could find someone who could give him a local relationship, and he would back off. I also once asked him if he even liked me. He was incredulous and said of course he liked me, he loved me. But I said no, you don't act like it, and I pointed out his crappy behavior. That set him straight for a little while.

Eventually he detached and we were done.

[eyvindr]

 :'(

[peas]

Clearmind, this:

Those closest to them spark their abandonment fears.

One time I asked my uBPDbf why he gave me such a hard time. He simply responded: Because you are the closest person to me.

[Ironmanrises]

I am a very emotional person.

I know the closer she got to me was the initial trigger to start devaluation phase.

She had told me in beginning of both devaluation phases, "I can't handle your emotional intensity... . "

The relationship was only headed towards further bonding... .

That is what she couldn't handle.

In the second round, I had met her 2 sons... .

Her weakness she told me.

As soon as they started to bond with me... .

That further triggered the devaluation.

Probably intensified it to the amount of projectiles she would end up launching at me.

50 days later, my tears still flow.