Lack of empathy and silence.

[Ironmanrises]

I remember telling my exUBPDgf 50 days ago, on the day she left me for the 2nd time... .

"You are hurting me."... . I had told her this multiple times that day.

Her response was literally no response.

Just silence.

No acknowlegment of what i had said. Nothing.

No "i am sorry Ironmanfalls, i know i am hurting you, etc"... .

The words i was saying to her just disappeared into a void.

That is how i can visualize it.

Her silence as a response was as hurtful as any of her previous barrages of projectiles she had launched at me previously.

Made me realize what a vast chasm of disconnect there was between me and her.

Perhaps this is what her childhood felt like to her with her parents?

How absolutely cruel and sad they were to inflict that on their own child.

In turn... . that was reflected back on me.

My mind shuts down as these realizations hit me... . like tsunami waves.

[Surnia]

Ironmanfalls

Its hard to feel not acknowledged by our SO, I can relate with it.

Expressing our feelings is not easy, not for us and not for others to react in a good manner.

I am wondering about something: Did you ever try a different approach:

"I see you are leaving for the second time, this is really hurting me."

[Moonie75]

I noticed my ex could pour out empathy, only if it related to something hurtful done or said by somebody else! She could read a hurtful situation with absolute clarity & really understand someone's suffering. I even saw her cry watching something horrific in the news one night.

But she could never even begin to empathise with anything hurtful which she was responsible for. She just didn't get it.

Going back to our very early days she did say to me once "I don't do guilt"!

I should've run for the hills there & then!

[toomanytears]

They just don't do empathy. My BPD husband can see me on the floor with grief and walk over me as if I was a piece of nothing.  On the other hand he can sympathise with (female) colleagues and go out of his way to help them. It's heartbreaking.

[motherof1yearold]

I noticed my ex could pour out empathy, only if it related to something hurtful done or said by somebody else! She could read a hurtful situation with absolute clarity & really understand someone's suffering. I even saw her cry watching something horrific in the news one night.

But she could never even begin to empathise with anything hurtful which she was responsible for. She just didn't get it.

Going back to our very early days she did say to me once "I don't do guilt"!

I should've run for the hills there & then!

! You just put that into words better than I EVER could have. Exactly! It always hurt me so deeply that my ex could never respond/show empathy for what he put me through... . yet he always gave other people his whole heart. Why do they do that? I'm sincerely asking right now.

[peas]

Yep, same situation with me.

Toward the end, when my ex upset me with words about how a bunch of other women wanted to screw him -- basically a threat to me that he doesn't need me and he's a big stud with others who want him -- I told him calmly the next day, looking him in the eye, that those comments hurt my feelings.

He had no reaction. He just looked straight ahead. However I think he actually began to process it.

He broke up with me the next week.

[Relentless]

Mine left in silence too. I broke NC today... . Woulda been 10 days... . I doubt I'll hear back. Gonna try to go all Sept... . We shall see.

I'm sorry that this happens to people. She left after so much good, because of one bad night... . I stayed through her abuse in all it's forms.

[eeyore]

It's black and white thinking.  When you are painted black they are angry at you and therefore can't feel sympathetic towards you.  Not saying this is acceptable or right just my observation of what happens.  You can't take it personally.  What you can do is stand up for yourself and surround yourself with people who treat you respectfully.  

[Ironmanrises]

Surina,

I never got the chance to. I immediately went to NC that day.

Based on her previous behavior, I'm afraid she would have still remained silent even with that approach, I'm afraid.

I literally felt her loathing me. So hurtful.

Nothing I was saying to her was registering.

She wanted nothing to do with me.

I had already become almost like an inconvenience for her.

That is how it felt.

My free fall from space had commenced at that point.

Moonie,

My exUBDgf said something similar too.

Absolutely awful.

Mwam,

The contradiction of behavior.

So hurtful.

Motherof,

Good question.

The answer would most likely be related to prior abuse they endured long ago.

Saddens me.

[bb12]

Yep - silence is an incredibly painful form of verbal abuse (ironically).

I can still shake my head at a pwBPD's ability to wash their hands of someone so completely just days after worshipping them. Goes to the illness and we can't take it personally.

Alas, I don't feel the sympathy you do Ironman... . For what pain they may have suffered as kids. This may not be the case. It's just as possible that BPD is a wiring issue. Perhaps a chemical imbalance. I just can't let my xBPD off the hook with more empathy and well wishes. I forgive them, sure, but I don't ponder the possible source of their cruel behaviour anymore.

I'm all about me these days ... At it feels pretty good.

Surviving the silent treatment is one of my proudest achievements. It changed me.

Bb12

[thisyoungdad]

Wow I am so going through another bout of feeling this way today. We have been separated almost exactly one year. Things had been going well for a while, really well in fact. Then her mother came into town for 10 days and as has happened for the entire 5 years then her mom leaves and all hell breaks loose. In fact right before she left me her mother was here and unloaded a ton of emotional baggage that my then wife should never have had to even deal with so in turn threw it on me. I tried to say something to her this week about how hurt I was feeling, didn't mention mom or anything and instead I got nothing. The silence has been hurting so much this week I almost wish I never said anything. It was as if I forgot what it was like.

[Ironmanrises]

Bb12,

The silent treatment... . I underwent 2 periods of that. Brutal.

I know you are not supposed to take it personal... . but as the person closest to them, you become target number 1.

It is only directed at you. Its almost like, how can you not take it personally?

So frustrating.

Maddening. Enraging.

Saddening.

The second time around... . The intensity of that re-targeting towards only me... . I wanted to die. To just disappear.

All missiles were launched at me.

Every nice thing she once said to me prior... .

Was flipped around into what she despised about me.

I get what you are saying.

My mind is trying to make sense of this disorder and everything that stemmed from it.

I am glad you survived your silent treatment... . those people who have never experienced this have no idea the damage it does.

Stay strong.

[SweetCharlotte]

Refusal to acknowledge responsibility or guilt (Moonie's gf's "I don't do guilt!":

Just before the wedding I took my uBPDh-2-B to Confession so that we could have a Catholic wedding (I was on a religious kick at the time).

He had not been to Confession (now called Reconciliation, which is so wimpy) in thirty-five (35) years. Nonetheless, he could not think of a single sin he had committed.

In order to get him to "loosen up," the young-ish priest had told him of his own exploits in the bordellos of Asia. So my uBPDh-2-B actually emerged from the confessional with incriminating stories about the man who had tried to help him take responsibility for some past misdeeds.

[snappafcw]

I just want to say I sympothize with all of you I also have experienced all of this. The silent treatments and seeing everybody get empathy around me yet myself .being looked at as an inconvenience. My ex used to also be so proud of me for what I was doing and what I was trying to achieve and towards the end she just thought I was a bum who didn't make enough money. I know how worthless this makes you feel stay strong everyone x

[clairedair]

Ironmanfalls,

this really does a number on you.  

We were together nearly 30 years and one of his reasons for leaving was that I had left him first by leaving emotionally; that he had not been listened to; that I had hurt him more than anyone else ever had etc.  Some of the times he was silent/showing no empathy, I believe he was feeling "you did this to me, now I'm doing it to you".  

Mostly though, I felt afterwards that he was so desperate to avoid feeling like the bad guy, that being conscious of the pain he was inflicting would mean he wasn't 'good'.   So at the time he was leaving/telling me something hurtful, he had to act like I had no feelings and afterwards had to 'erase' me and move on.

[Ironmanrises]

The whole refusal to acknowledge responsibility or guilt... .

Only further adds to the amount of things we already have to process.

Their refusal of this doesnt make that disappear... .

It has to get processed somehow. By someone.

That falls to us.

A further blow.

[Trick1004]

This has been the worst part of the break-up for me by far. The complete lack on my ex's part of any kind of appreciation for what I gave to her during the 3+ years I was with her. I feel I and the r/s was discarded by her like a piece of trash.

After about a month of NC we exchanged some texts initiated by her when she showed up at a bar a couple blocks from my house that I was at with my brother asking me how long I planned on being there. I didn't respond, a few minutes later she sent another text saying she was going home. Didn't respond to that one either. A couple days later though I was drunk and replaying that night in my mind and sent her a text that I couldn't be concerned anymore about her feelings or what she was doing, all I could do is what was best for me.

There were a few back and forth texts after that. She said she realized she caused this (I guess that's something) and how hard it has been for her. What the heck is that? Hard for her, most painful experience of my life and I'm supposed to sympathize with her? At the end she sent a text that "this is just awful". What's awful? Me, you, that night, the r/s, what?

I didn't respond and it's been about four weeks NC since then. I can't understand why and the way she broke up with me; my family and friends can't understand it either. I've reached a point where I'm tired of waiting and hoping I'll get that appreciation from her about what I gave up and did for her during the r/s.

I am convinced that she had two groups that she places people in. There is a group that she can shower love and attention to, these are the people who lap up her love and affection and think she is greatest, most understanding person on earth. These are also the people she can control through sex, buying drinks, whatever, but they rely on her for validation.

The other group is one that requires mutual respect in a r/s, a mutual give and take from both parties. This is where it breaks down for the BPD. They want control and can't begin to understand when someone does things independent from them.

I started out in the first group and over time moved into the second group. She saw she that she wasn't the focus of my world anymore and bailed out. It wasn't that I didn't love her any less, but a subconscious part of me noticed that I was giving far more than I was getting back.

I'm not there yet. It sucks, it hurts, but give it time and it sure as hell does get easier.

[clairedair]

The whole refusal to acknowledge responsibility or guilt... .

Only further adds to the amount of things we already have to process.

Their refusal of this doesnt make that disappear... .

It has to get processed somehow. By someone.

That falls to us.

A further blow.

My exH has been able to express remorse - in some ways this has made it all the more confusing because he does so in a way that leaves me feeling worse about myself and even more confused!  He then goes on to act in a way that repeats the very thing he apologised for. 

I feel that the apology is like some kind of 'tick box' that he completes in order to feel OK about himself and then swiftly move on while I am doing the processing that you mention.

I feel I and the r/s was discarded by her like a piece of trash.

... .

She saw she that she wasn't the focus of my world anymore and bailed out. It wasn't that I didn't love her any less, but a subconscious part of me noticed that I was giving far more than I was getting back.

Do you think the two are connected?  She thought you were going to leave her first (because she no longer felt like your whole universe) so she left and then behaved as if nothing of significance had ever happened between you so she doesn't have to feel anything negative?

take care,

Claire

[Ironmanrises]

Trick,

I am so sorry you experienced that.

I can relate to the two groups of people your ex places people in.

My exUBPDgf seemed to do that too... . was prominent in devaluation.

Her enabling family members, friends and sycophantic pretend male friends(she is very attractive and that didn't help matters) who hovered around her throughout my entire time with her... .

Literally fed into her behavior.

Towards the end of second round of devaluation... .

She started reading a self help book... .

Was proclaiming to the whole Internet world populated by the people I mentioned above that she was in the process of personal development... .

I watched all of this.

As if a self help book will help with the disorder she denied/wouldn't deny having.

While proclaiming all of that... . she was destroying me.

I felt so completely helpless.

Of course all those same people would applaud her.

With the exception of the male pretend friends, the other people she surrounded herself with would have been utterly disgusted if they knew what was really happening and what she was showing at the same time.

I want to scream as I remember all of this.

I never want to see another self help book again after that.

Clair,

I can relate to you too.

The contradiction in behavior.

So damaging.

Beyond words.

[peas]

a subconscious part of me noticed that I was giving far more than I was getting back.

I don't think this is so subconscious. I think it's conscious and that's when the r/s begins to hurt. This comes before the breakup. We do some addition and subtraction and see things do not add up. If we are a relatively healthy "non" in the r/s, we start protecting ourselves and withdrawing a bit. That's what I did. I stopped believing my ex's vacant promises. I stopped being surprised when I would show up for a planned visit and he was already drunk.

I got jaded before he broke up with me because I stopped trusting him. I began to mirror his negative behavior in a way: If he didn't show affection, I wouldn't show affection; if he didn't say I love you, I didn't say it, if he stopped proposing activities for us to do together, I stopped proposing activities. I stopped trying because I knew that not only would a b/u hurt me, I was already being hurt and I stopped trying because he stopped trying. He also never knew what he wanted and I was tired of wondering how he was feeling any given week. I threw out the eggshells I had been walking on for months. 

That was all on a conscious level. I didn't know about BPD until after the b/u so I just chalked up his erratic behavior to his alcoholism. Despite my emotional preparations, the b/u upset me a lot. Two and a half months out I still think of him every day, but with less pain.

[blurry]

This post really hits home with me, basically all the replies too, absolutely amazing how my pwBPD can have empathy towards me for anything, real sincere caring and empathy, EXCEPT for her personal emotional abuse towards me.

Then at the beginning of any recycle of me, she feigns empathy, but it could be gone completely anywhere from within a couple days to a week of us being back together. Then the mere mention of her past behavior gets me a "get over it" or a "I'm not doing this, go f yourself"... .

As far as silence goes, its one of the cruelest forms of emotional abuse. I guess its a matter of us accepting this treatment or not. This last breakup, I decided I'm not living this way any more, I don't have it in me to tolerate it, disorder or not. Its not worth walking on eggshells 2 or 3 weeks out of every month just for one or two good weeks, I mentally and physically can't and wont do it.

[Ironmanrises]

Blurry,

I got the "get over it" too line when i would mention her past behavior.

She couldnt/ and or wouldnt link the connection as to why i would bring up her past behavior.

So hurtful.

I remember asking her in regards to the 3 months period when she left me first time if there was someone else in the picture... . was she seeing someone else.

She kept telling me no.

Then her answer would change to, "so you are never going to trust me?"

She couldnt/ and or wouldnt understand why i kept asking her this.

I do not know if during that time period and the current state of affairs if there was another guy involved.

When i let her come back into my life, i extended her a huge amount of trust in the process... . still not knowing 100% what the answer to the above question really was.

When she left me again... . that carried over. Haunts me.

There were so many times i wanted to scream ":)o you not see what you are doing to me?"

I know what you mean by not being able to tolerate it anymore.

The anxiety i was getting in the second round was a reminder of what an awful position i allowed to happen to myself.

[eeyore]

Guys I am really sorry that you have experienced the worst in human behavior towards you.  You deserve kindness and compassion.  It makes me sad to read the stuff people experience here.  It makes me sad when I reflect on my own situation.

[blurry]

Moonie, you really summed it up perfectly. Mine was always the biggest sweetheart to me on the rare occasion I was hurting from something other than her behavior. For instance, my grandmom passed away back in March, and I couldn't of even imagined anyone being more caring towards me than my pwuBPD was. As far as empathy for any of the horrible things she's done to me over the past year, I get tons of it during the time she's in apology mode to get me to come back with her, then almost the minute I am back, boom, all gone, zero empathy. Switches to " get over it" or " go f yourself" or " leave me alone, or I'm calling the police".

[blurry]

Oops, posted the same thought for the second time on this thread, guess its indicative of how I constantly go over the relationship over and over in my head, never stop replaying it, trying to figure out what I could of done different, where I went wrong, asking myself if I was even capable of not responding the way it did, wondering what's in her mind... .

[eeyore]

Oops, posted the same thought for the second time on this thread, guess its indicative of how I constantly go over the relationship over and over in my head, never stop replaying it, trying to figure out what I could of done different, where I went wrong, asking myself if I was even capable of not responding the way it did, wondering what's in her mind... .

It would be nice if the time you were doing all the thinking, you were making a new happy memory instead.  Just my thinking... . and I apply the same thing to my own self.  Easy for me to say to you not easy for me to do.  I'm stuck in the same internal conflict.