I make it known when I feel like someone is trying to use me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If I had any people pleaser tendencies before uBPDex, I feel they are gone to the extreme.  If I detect any form of manipulation, no matter how benign, I lose it and make it clear I am not involved in the situation any further.

One example:

I was at a family gathering.  Most of us had traveled from afar and hadn't seen each other in awhile.  When we parted ways, some of us went to the same hotel, with different rooms.  My older brother was supposed to be following me since I knew how to get there.  Yet, for some reason he was in front of me.  When it came time for him to turn, I flashed my brights, he kept going.  I waited.  I pulled aside and put my hazard lights on.  I waited.  I called.  He said GPS was telling him to go a different way.  I said I was about 500 feet from hotel.  He showed up about 15 minutes later.  So, all this time, I'm waiting for him because I was under the impression we were sharing a room.  I'm really hungry and haven't really eaten a full meal all day.  I found out he was getting his own room, so I told him I was leaving to go get food.  He said: cool, goodbye, see you when you get back, etc.

I have to drive about 10 miles before I can find an open restaurant.  After I get my fast food, I'm starting to drive back and my brother calls.  It goes something like this:

Bro: Hey little brother, where are you? (in "butter up" kind of voice)

Me:  Driving back from getting my food.

Bro:  Get me some food?  And a 12 pack while you're out?  (again in a butter up voice and asked as a question rather than given as a command)

Me:  (pissed off angry tone immediately)  Yeah, that's why I came to visit my family.  To run errands for you.  You want me to be your servant while you sit in the hotel drinking more alcohol because you are too irresponsible to take care of your own needs?

Bro:  Wow.  Really?  Really?  (now in a bummed out, wounded voice)

Me:  Yeah, I just spent two years taking requests from someone who pulled the same sh-t (referring to uBPDex).  I've had enough.  I take care of myself.  You should take care of yourself.


Then I had to hang up because I discovered my food was made incorrectly and had to have it remade.

He called back repeatedly while I was talking with the employee at the restaurant.

I answered again and yelled at him some more, but eventually caved on the food (not the alcohol) since I was still right by the restaurant.

Furthermore, he was asking me to order him something that I considered a violation of my principles (a certain food item that I find unethical) which also upset me and I clearly stated that to him.

Again, he did the guilt/sobby BS.  When we got back to the hotel he told me what room he was in so I "could bring the food to him."  At this, I told him to f--k off.  I told him I'm not his servant and I already bought something that violates my principles, used my money, and brought it to within 50 feet of him.  Come get it yourself, I said to him.

He then wanted me to come hang out with the rest of my family members and him for late night drinking.  At that point I was really pissed because it was clear that all my concerns had just gone over his head, or in on ear and out the other.  I told him to take his food and leave, that he owed me nothing, and the whole deal was over.  I said there was no guilt in my paying for it, and I meant it.

He said "really?  really?" a few more times and hugged me while I kept eating and left.

----

Part of me feels like I overreacted, but I think having not seen him for almost a year -- the entire year I've been reading about core wounds, BPD, caretaking, FOO, etc -- a pattern of many decades just popped right in my face that night.

I did not apologize, because I did not feel like I did anything wrong.  In fact, all I did was lose my temper and stick at least partially to my boundaries.  I still felt a little dirty that I complied -- I didn't stand my ground completely -- but I think I eased him into the new struggli that doesn't caretake anymore.  I do not want to hurt my brother and I believe family should help each other out, but I don't think I should be my brother's little bi+ch.  And I told him that in those exact words as well.

The next day we worked on a project together as a gift for our grandmother.  We got along fine.

------

Ex 2:  In the workplace

There is one employee who seems very helpless in her job despite having done the same job I do for maybe 10-15 years longer.  It's like she hasn't retained one single detail on how to do the job since the day she started.  Today, after about 20 inane questions asked within a 5 minute period, I told her I'm not her babysitter and she needs to learn how to make decisions on her own.  She said I was in fact her caretaker and I said again I was not and ignored further questions from her.  Later in the day she called to tell me how great it was to work with me and that I'm the best co-worker ever.  I told her thanks and ended the conversation quickly due to (a) working and (b) poor cell reception (c) she will talk indefinitely if allowed.  I have also given her advice (as have others) on several matters (not even always work related) and she thanks me and the others and says we are smart and she should listen to us, yet she continues doing things in the same silly ways. 

Ex 3:

Homeless guy asking me for money while I'm working my ass off.

I know there are a wide variety of reasons for homelessness.  I understand it could be a mental illness thing, an abandonment thing, a bad job market, etc.  I understand all that it is a complicated issue and am not making an overall judgment of homeless folks, I just want to make that clear.

But this guy.  I see him all the time and all he does is lounge in fields and live like a totally free man.  Somehow he has the means to get high as a kite, though.  Then he has the nerve to give me a bad attitude when I turn down his request to give him my money while he watches me work all day.  Did he offer to help me?  No, he just wanted to get some free sh-t with basically zero effort on his part.  His guilt trip mechanism quickly washed over me when I realized I was being gaslighted by a stranger. 


---------

Short version, metaphorically:

Recently my helping hand has mostly been used for placing on the faces of manipulators and shoving them backwards.



Maybe I have become a BPD, or maybe I have a backbone again, or maybe I'm still in the FOG and have a sh-tty attitude.  I don't know, but there it is for your perusal.

I don't know if I have a questions, but maybe you can relate or have a comment.

Or maybe I just needed to type some sh-t out.

[struggli]

If I had any people pleaser tendencies before uBPDex, I feel they are gone to the extreme.  If I detect any form of manipulation, no matter how benign, I lose it and make it clear I am not involved in the situation any further.

One example:

I was at a family gathering.  Most of us had traveled from afar and hadn't seen each other in awhile.  When we parted ways, some of us went to the same hotel, with different rooms.  My older brother was supposed to be following me since I knew how to get there.  Yet, for some reason he was in front of me.  When it came time for him to turn, I flashed my brights, he kept going.  I waited.  I pulled aside and put my hazard lights on.  I waited.  I called.  He said GPS was telling him to go a different way.  I said I was about 500 feet from hotel.  He showed up about 15 minutes later.  So, all this time, I'm waiting for him because I was under the impression we were sharing a room.  I'm really hungry and haven't really eaten a full meal all day.  I found out he was getting his own room, so I told him I was leaving to go get food.  He said: cool, goodbye, see you when you get back, etc.

I have to drive about 10 miles before I can find an open restaurant.  After I get my fast food, I'm starting to drive back and my brother calls.  It goes something like this:

Bro: Hey little brother, where are you? (in "butter up" kind of voice)

Me:  Driving back from getting my food.

Bro:  Get me some food?  And a 12 pack while you're out?  (again in a butter up voice and asked as a question rather than given as a command)

Me:  (pissed off angry tone immediately)  Yeah, that's why I came to visit my family.  To run errands for you.  You want me to be your servant while you sit in the hotel drinking more alcohol because you are too irresponsible to take care of your own needs?

Bro:  Wow.  Really?  Really?  (now in a bummed out, wounded voice)

Me:  Yeah, I just spent two years taking requests from someone who pulled the same sh-t (referring to uBPDex).  I've had enough.  I take care of myself.  You should take care of yourself.


Then I had to hang up because I discovered my food was made incorrectly and had to have it remade.

He called back repeatedly while I was talking with the employee at the restaurant.

I answered again and yelled at him some more, but eventually caved on the food (not the alcohol) since I was still right by the restaurant.

Furthermore, he was asking me to order him something that I considered a violation of my principles (a certain food item that I find unethical) which also upset me and I clearly stated that to him.

Again, he did the guilt/sobby BS.  When we got back to the hotel he told me what room he was in so I "could bring the food to him."  At this, I told him to f--k off.  I told him I'm not his servant and I already bought something that violates my principles, used my money, and brought it to within 50 feet of him.  Come get it yourself, I said to him.

He then wanted me to come hang out with the rest of my family members and him for late night drinking.  At that point I was really pissed because it was clear that all my concerns had just gone over his head, or in on ear and out the other.  I told him to take his food and leave, that he owed me nothing, and the whole deal was over.  I said there was no guilt in my paying for it, and I meant it.

He said "really?  really?" a few more times and hugged me while I kept eating and left.

----

Part of me feels like I overreacted, but I think having not seen him for almost a year -- the entire year I've been reading about core wounds, BPD, caretaking, FOO, etc -- a pattern of many decades just popped right in my face that night.

I did not apologize, because I did not feel like I did anything wrong.  In fact, all I did was lose my temper and stick at least partially to my boundaries.  I still felt a little dirty that I complied -- I didn't stand my ground completely -- but I think I eased him into the new struggli that doesn't caretake anymore.  I do not want to hurt my brother and I believe family should help each other out, but I don't think I should be my brother's little bi+ch.  And I told him that in those exact words as well.

The next day we worked on a project together as a gift for our grandmother.  We got along fine.

------

Ex 2:  In the workplace

There is one employee who seems very helpless in her job despite having done the same job I do for maybe 10-15 years longer.  It's like she hasn't retained one single detail on how to do the job since the day she started.  Today, after about 20 inane questions asked within a 5 minute period, I told her I'm not her babysitter and she needs to learn how to make decisions on her own.  She said I was in fact her caretaker and I said again I was not and ignored further questions from her.  Later in the day she called to tell me how great it was to work with me and that I'm the best co-worker ever.  I told her thanks and ended the conversation quickly due to (a) working and (b) poor cell reception (c) she will talk indefinitely if allowed.  I have also given her advice (as have others) on several matters (not even always work related) and she thanks me and the others and says we are smart and she should listen to us, yet she continues doing things in the same silly ways. 

Ex 3:

Homeless guy asking me for money while I'm working my ass off.

I know there are a wide variety of reasons for homelessness.  I understand it could be a mental illness thing, an abandonment thing, a bad job market, etc.  I understand all that it is a complicated issue and am not making an overall judgment of homeless folks, I just want to make that clear.

But this guy.  I see him all the time and all he does is lounge in fields and live like a totally free man.  Somehow he has the means to get high as a kite, though.  Then he has the nerve to give me a bad attitude when I turn down his request to give him my money while he watches me work all day.  Did he offer to help me?  No, he just wanted to get some free sh-t with basically zero effort on his part.  His guilt trip mechanism quickly washed over me when I realized I was being gaslighted by a stranger. 


---------

Short version, metaphorically:

Recently my helping hand has mostly been used for placing on the faces of manipulators and shoving them backwards.



Maybe I have become a BPD, or maybe I have a backbone again, or maybe I'm still in the FOG and have a sh-tty attitude.  I don't know, but there it is for your perusal.

I don't know if I have a questions, but maybe you can relate or have a comment.

Or maybe I just needed to type some sh-t out.

[pallavirajsinghani]

No... . this is just righteous anger that had been building up for a long time and now coming to fruition. 

Very soon the pendulum of your communication will swing to a middle where you give some and take some and mostly maintain the balance of your needs from the universe and the universe's needs from you.

And this is a moment by moment balance... . you have just learn how to walk this tight rope of fairness.  Soon it will become a habit and you won't have to react so strongly and emotionally.  A simple smile and a polite no will suffice and you won't have to make your point in an accusatory manner at all.

Be kind to yourself... . you are just new to claiming justice for yourself... .    :-)