Not sure if this is normal

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been working on getting more in tune with myself because I know I'm not particularly good at it. (Acting classes as said.)

But I've noticed that my moods aren't really stable and maybe acting classes are bringing it out, or I'm just in a more sensitive place? Not sure.

When I was a teen, I would have occasional fantasies of suicide. Not that I would go through with it or anything, but it was how I dealt with the stress of a mother that didn't care and feeling isolated from my peers at times. I know that wasn't healthy, and tried to work on it. I had fantasies also about disappearing completely. Not like running away, but my existence not being written at all. (Per A Wonderful Life, though I had those fantasies before I ever knew about the movie--mostly triggered by teasing at school and where my mom would rage at me.)

In college, when I was not only forced to go, but stay in a place I didn't like, depression caught up to me. Sometimes I would be immobile such that I couldn't go to classes at all. When I got out of the stressful situation, the thoughts of suicide went away. And I returned to normal, though I had to fight to get there, pretty much on my own since the therapist I admit I used to hold off my uBPDm wasn't really helping. (I turned it around on my own, got to a better place, but crashed again... . I mean life-wise)

I figured out how to cut off thoughts of suicide, since it wasn't really doing me any good... .

I've noticed that I can sometimes go through highs, where I'm confident (I don't feel indestructible though), but then equally bad lows where I can't move, especially recently. =P I've also been getting insomnia recently and irregular sleeping patterns, which I keep trying to get out of with every trick can think of, but nothing seems to stick. (Meditation, slow breathing, distraction, thought re-channeling, personal pursuits... . cognitive thinking.) When none of those work, and the racing thoughts won't stop I get frustrated, which of course makes it worse.

I've never done drugs. I hate drugs and medication (I avoid it when possible). I hate what caffeine does to me. I never went to jail or anything... . and I'm pain adverse so I never thought of cutting or did anything like it.

I do know that when I go through stress that the way I deal with it isn't really healthy. Anxiety and depression seem to be the coping mechanisms I use. I know I'm not supposed to, so I tend to channel it through art pursuits--but that's not been working lately. And I worry when I'm on a high that I'm going to crash. But it's really quick high, quick crash, back up to normal. Steady normal, new high, new crash often the same day. When things go well, then it stays steady and I feel even. Less sleep makes it worse. But lately I can't sleep. I keep waking up every few hours and having to coax myself back. And then crashing at around 2:00 because I haven't gotten enough sleep.

I also have episodes where I produce a lot, move forward quickly and then stagnant (not like I can't move, but total life inertia).

Last high I was on, I knew I was going to crash and bad, but I couldn't prevent it.

I do have to admit, though, that I've been far more aware of it after I was abandoned in a city where I didn't speak the language very well. That's been haunting me for a few years most likely because I don't know what to do with it. (I felt more vulnerable after that... . but I didn't want to.)

I'm honestly a little nervous about admitting this... . since I haven't really discussed it with anyone. I may just be more aware of it since I'm seeing me for me now rather than worrying about everyone else. I also am not sure how much it's a new perception because I've been trying to numb things for so very long and connecting back with myself just means I'm unsteady on my feet. I am very self-aware (was told so)... . but it's not helping. I want to sleep normally again. I'm also kinda sick of not being able to overturn it anymore. (Does that mean I've outsmarted myself?) I'm also kinda wondering if the being self-aware is just covering for a deeper issue.

[DesertChild]

I've been working on getting more in tune with myself because I know I'm not particularly good at it. (Acting classes as said.)

But I've noticed that my moods aren't really stable and maybe acting classes are bringing it out, or I'm just in a more sensitive place? Not sure.

When I was a teen, I would have occasional fantasies of suicide. Not that I would go through with it or anything, but it was how I dealt with the stress of a mother that didn't care and feeling isolated from my peers at times. I know that wasn't healthy, and tried to work on it. I had fantasies also about disappearing completely. Not like running away, but my existence not being written at all. (Per A Wonderful Life, though I had those fantasies before I ever knew about the movie--mostly triggered by teasing at school and where my mom would rage at me.)

In college, when I was not only forced to go, but stay in a place I didn't like, depression caught up to me. Sometimes I would be immobile such that I couldn't go to classes at all. When I got out of the stressful situation, the thoughts of suicide went away. And I returned to normal, though I had to fight to get there, pretty much on my own since the therapist I admit I used to hold off my uBPDm wasn't really helping. (I turned it around on my own, got to a better place, but crashed again... . I mean life-wise)

I figured out how to cut off thoughts of suicide, since it wasn't really doing me any good... .

I've noticed that I can sometimes go through highs, where I'm confident (I don't feel indestructible though), but then equally bad lows where I can't move, especially recently. =P I've also been getting insomnia recently and irregular sleeping patterns, which I keep trying to get out of with every trick can think of, but nothing seems to stick. (Meditation, slow breathing, distraction, thought re-channeling, personal pursuits... . cognitive thinking.) When none of those work, and the racing thoughts won't stop I get frustrated, which of course makes it worse.

I've never done drugs. I hate drugs and medication (I avoid it when possible). I hate what caffeine does to me. I never went to jail or anything... . and I'm pain adverse so I never thought of cutting or did anything like it.

I do know that when I go through stress that the way I deal with it isn't really healthy. Anxiety and depression seem to be the coping mechanisms I use. I know I'm not supposed to, so I tend to channel it through art pursuits--but that's not been working lately. And I worry when I'm on a high that I'm going to crash. But it's really quick high, quick crash, back up to normal. Steady normal, new high, new crash often the same day. When things go well, then it stays steady and I feel even. Less sleep makes it worse. But lately I can't sleep. I keep waking up every few hours and having to coax myself back. And then crashing at around 2:00 because I haven't gotten enough sleep.

I also have episodes where I produce a lot, move forward quickly and then stagnant (not like I can't move, but total life inertia).

Last high I was on, I knew I was going to crash and bad, but I couldn't prevent it.

I do have to admit, though, that I've been far more aware of it after I was abandoned in a city where I didn't speak the language very well. That's been haunting me for a few years most likely because I don't know what to do with it. (I felt more vulnerable after that... . but I didn't want to.)

I'm honestly a little nervous about admitting this... . since I haven't really discussed it with anyone. I may just be more aware of it since I'm seeing me for me now rather than worrying about everyone else. I also am not sure how much it's a new perception because I've been trying to numb things for so very long and connecting back with myself just means I'm unsteady on my feet. I am very self-aware (was told so)... . but it's not helping. I want to sleep normally again. I'm also kinda sick of not being able to overturn it anymore. (Does that mean I've outsmarted myself?) I'm also kinda wondering if the being self-aware is just covering for a deeper issue.

[Surnia]

desertchild

You are dealing with tough things! These highs and lows, less sleep must be exhausting.

Good you could write it down! 

I hope you don't mind my honesty: I would reach out for a good T or PD.

We can do a lot alone, looking for ourselves, and sometimes it is wise to reach out for help.

What do you think?

[DesertChild]

I don't particularly have the money or the resources atm to pay for it. But usually that's when I need it... .

I have to also admit to some effect that while I'm highly self-aware which probably was a defense mechanism built out of need to protect others, I also have a bit of a worry that my case is too complex. I have adoption issues stacked inside of it. And finding a T that specializes in in the range of the uBPD of my mom, the mood issues I'm going through and the adoption issues packed into it seems difficult. Also a bit scared since I triggered my last T of her issues... . and uhh... . I didn't do anything in particular to do that. I would have quit earlier when I realized it, but I had boundary issues and trouble saying no. (Which ironically that T did help start me on the path on by breaking those boundaries... . ).

I do realize that the acting classes are making the symptoms come out more pronounced, but I don't think they are bad for me, rather that maybe the numbing I did previously in order to keep balance is just being taken off during the classes. I also had to fight myself to put myself into them as well. Past the voice instilled by my uBPD mom that said I sucked.

I am getting a bit worn around the edges though. A friend said it, "Your life is a rollercoaster." But more than half of that I didn't create. Of the stuff that I did, I'm not sure if there should be a life lesson that comes with it.

[Surnia]

And what about a doctor?

My concern is about the sleep issues, the highs and lows.

I see you are very aware of your self, you try your best and it does not get better and let you feel worn out, which is very understandable.

Perhaps it is really something else which put you on this rollercoaster?

[DesertChild]

And what about a doctor?

My concern is about the sleep issues, the highs and lows.

I see you are very aware of your self, you try your best and it does not get better and let you feel worn out, which is very understandable.

Perhaps it is really something else which put you on this rollercoaster?

I'm concerned about the highs and lows too... . I mean from the practical, intellectual, I really got it together staNPDoint. It bugs me. I can over-rationalize at the same time... . and grind myself to a halt. (If I got a T, I think I'd need someone to occasionally kick my butt and get past some of the defenses I put up. And I say this as someone who has to deal with my own defenses... . some of my defenses are difficult to tear down and get past.)

I have to admit something, too... . when I moved with my then boyfriend, I tried to do several things, such as find a bank, a doctor, a dentist, etc. But it stagnated into a pile of goo and I never really got out of it. I did eventually find a bank. The other two I never got into looking for seriously. I know that one is definitely on me rather than anyone else and I never really worked on it. I would look, stop, then look again. It may be stacked into the trust issues pile too. You know, the mistrust of authority figures. (That one I know I can't blame on my uBPDm. I came with that before I was adopted... . though investigating into my past only revealed that.)

I'm pretty sure though, that the rollercoaster is partially my fault--I mean staying with a boyfriend that is ever throwing *my* things closer is definitely *my* issue, even if he's the one throwing things. The financial rut I keep getting into is definitely *my* thing. Being sensitive to stress--definitely my thing. The life stagnation is my thing too. I just lack tools to cope with it... . and probably the emotional tools to get through it. Even if I wasn't taught how to deal with it, it's still my job to pick up the slack no matter where it developed and from whom.

I also am very aware of the triggers that probably put it on.

I know those things, intellectually, but moving is hard. Fighting is hard. Getting myself to get on with it is hard.

Financial concerns and the complexity are probably the two things holding me back. Also the over rationalizing... . but I've read that comes with depression too... .

[P.F.Change]

You are going through some tough feelings. I can tell you really want to improve things and are working hard at it.

I agree with Surnia that it would be a good idea to talk with a professional, either a therapist or a doctor. Some feelings you can work your way out of on your own, but sometimes if there is an underlying condition additional support is needed. I understand you are concerned about financial costs. Perhaps there is a free clinic in your area that would see you?  I am concerned about you and think it might be in your best interest to either rule out or get treatment for certain medical conditions (including bipolar disorder). Those require different treatments than depression or anxiety alone.

Let us know what you decide to do. We support your efforts!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[DesertChild]

I buckled down and queried a few people. So thank you.

Still hard. I'll have to fight myself to get to a better place... .

[pallavirajsinghani]

There is no harm and no shame in asking your doctor for a referral to a therapist expert in diagnosing and treating Depression and Anxiety Disorders.  Some are biological in nature (chemical imbalance in brain or environmental (that is, due to some personal experiences).  The former may only be managed by medication, the later perhaps therapeutically.

Either way, it is good to ask these questions of yourself. 

Please do follow up regarding this... . your entire life view may just change drastically for the better.

:-)

[DesertChild]

Will see someone on the Ninth... . the other guy didn't respond (yet), so I have to hold on til then.

[Surnia]

Good you could make it. 

take care, desertchild