the strange feeling of knowing its over

[simplyasiam]

im sure some of you here that have had many recycles much be like me and have never been apart from exBPD SO this long.

wondering how those of you that where long trem with someone with BPD feel or felt when it 1st hit you they are really not coming back.

im now at the point im sure ex is done but not sure what the feeling are im having. confused at this point.

[clairedair]

hi simplyasiam

My exH (uBPD) and I have known each other nearly 30 years (married for most of them) so it's been a long-term relationship.  Last few years were the real rollercoaster times of break-ups and reconciliations.

This last break-up has been 'final' for two reasons (1) it's the first time that I have not wanted us to reconcile and (2) he got married very quickly.  To be honest, I'd say the first reason is more significant than the first because I would not bet my mortgage on him never wanting to re-engage ever again and I was 'done' because of the way he left me not because of his latest relationship.

Although I am saying that I don't think it impossible that he'd want to come back and that I don't want that, it has still been incredibly sad for me to deal with the finality of our situation.  I am finally experiencing the grief of the end of our marriage and facing up to the reality of there being no future with him.  The loss of the idea of our shared life together is very difficult to deal with but I think one of the many complex reasons for years of recycles is that I was given an opportunity to avoid dealing with this loss by jumping back into a honeymoon period.  I was just delaying the inevitable.

I'm rambling - what I am trying to say is that realising we're not going to be together was too difficult to face and so I've had to face it slowly.  I've had to let the realisation sink in rather than take it all on board at once.  In a way, his instant re-marriage has helped because he's so caught up in his latest honeymoon that I have more time and space to properly grieve.

Feelings of confusion are very common for me - I probably feel more confused than anything else.  I am confused about how we got to this.  I can't get my head around the fact that someone else is his wife.  I may have read books about BPD and been on this forum a while but it's all still perplexing. 

Do you have a sense of what it is you're confused about?

take care

Claire

[simplyasiam]

hello and thank you claire. im confused about the same things you are. someone new in her life for good. the lost of our life together where im life is going. wondering how the pain has stoped ive never been this far before. im not use to thinking about other things but i find myself dealing with life outside of her. when will the empty feeling inside me go away. i think i knew from day one of her leaving a few months ago this was our last round, i was use to living like that and the end was to much for me to deal with at frist, so like you i had to take it in a little at a time. ill not lie i do still think about her calling or txting but really dont think she will this time.

[clairedair]

It's good to hear that you are thinking about other things.  It's so frustrating when they fill our thoughts even when we don't want them to!  I was doing OK this weekend then my exH and his new partner dropped our child off and I saw them.  I had been expecting child to return on public transport so wasn't prepared and it threw me again (happened a couple of weeks ago too).  So I've gone from a reasonably relaxed weekend to that empty feeling (and coming here for support!). 

However,  I pushed myself to take up an invitation to go out last night and am having people over for lunch today though I want to cancel.  It's tiring and hard work but it is true that the more we can concentrate on ourselves and those that do love us, the better we are able to move towards a place where we are healthier - and less confused! 

And I try not to beat myself up about the fact that it is taking me a while to process this and move forward because I've got years of thinking/behaving one way to undo.  I also remind myself that if exH had died, no-one would be expecting me to be 'sorted' by now - in some ways, I feel it's worse than his death because I have to live with the bereavement whilst he is out celebrating a new love/life.

Are you doing anything new that you are enjoying? 

ill not lie i do still think about her calling or txting but really dont think she will this time.

Do you want her to call or just preparing yourself in case she does? 

[Moonie75]

I've had the feeling of 'knowing it's over for good this time' twice before! They convince us with their venomus exit that it must surely be over for ever, nobody could come back round from such hatred? But later down the line, boom we're gods again!

The thing is, the BPD can switch back to seeing you all white again when the new partner does something to turn them all black. So you can't ever say that it's over for good for the BPD.

So this is the third break up where I'm telling myself it's over for good this time, but this is the first time I'm saying it because I'VE DECIDED it's over for good! I KNOW she won't get back in this time because for the first time I want to fix me more than fix her!

[toomanytears]

Hi Claire

Your post has been hugely helpful.  Im in a similar situation except no new wife on the horizon although it wont take long... .

Ive been married 31 years and it's been a rollercoaster ride. All the pushes and pulls, denials, lies, deceit, glorious making up, intense love, intense hate. You name it.

Now I think we've come to the end of the road. He's moved out - after threatening hundreds of times before. Your sentence about no-one expecting someone to get over the death of their husband so quickly was spot on.  I am in a state of grieving, but he's still here, wanting to pop in, help out, be the model ex-husband etc

I want to extricate myself; although we have had this long life together, a big house, two children, jobs.  It's going to take time.  He has always wanted his own place to feel safe but we need to get the best price for the property we can so we can both have financial and material security. I don't think he has a clue that when couples separate they are both worse off financially. He hasn't even been to a divorce lawyer. At the moment he's in a dream world about this little country cottage he will own. Meanwhile, Im thinking how the hell am I going to find somewhere decent that the children will be able to keep their stuff and visit. 

Anyhow that's how my story is unfolding atm. This message board is providing the best therapy.  Every time I waver I make myself come on and read the posts.

[simplyasiam]

hello again claire yes some part of still wants her to call ive moved froward alot in the past few weeks but i still love her in some way.

i know would set me back at the min if she called but as i detach from the feeling and see the truth i want her less. its hard to not fight that feeling of letting go.

its more of a gut feeling she will not turn back to me.

[clairedair]

simplyasiam,

I don't think you can ever rule out an attempt at contact or even reconciliation though you know you ex better than I - best way to resist this (if that's what you want) is to build up enough resilience to rebuff any reconciliation attempt that comes your way.  If that moment comes around and you haven't let go, it will be hard to resist.

What is it about the letting go that you are fighting? 

mvamvua

I know I am better off out of the a relationship that became emotionally abusive but the grieving is tough, especially when the 'body' keeps popping up and is being kind to me.

[simplyasiam]

other than she would leave and cheat on me when she had her crazy times  and the depersion hated seeing her hurt like that.i miss everything about the r/s. we were good to each other. we did have the yelling or puting down thing going on. thats the only part of the BPD that she didnt doesnt have. i was very close to her kids we loved eachother to no end.

just wanting my family back is what keeps the little bit of hope alive in the back of my head. i also hate thinking of starting over, with someone new and chancing all this again. i hate not having kids in my life but am scared to death to get close to someones kids again. i dont want to end up moving from my home and stepping into someone life that part is still crazy to me