my BPD SO is coming home from a vacation tonite and i am dreading the attack

[sara101]

my BPD husband went on vacation, while he was gone I took the opportunity to spend time with my family since he wont have anything to do with them, last night he called and asked me how I was spending the weekend, I made the mistake of being honest and told him I was with my family, he went nuts over the phone and told me that as soon as he comes home  he is firing my housekeeper who helps me a few days a week with cleaning the house and babysitting for my 1 yr old .i am dreading his arrival home. does anyone have some tips for survival     

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[Overseas1899]

Firstly, if he is like my uBPDh, he will be totally different when he gets home. Probably nothing will happen. It is great if someone that he doesn't mind "happens" to come over after he has arrived home. Maybe they need to borrow something?  Secondly, (I don't know how others think about this and I wish I didn't feel I had to do this), I lie a lot for things like you described. You were doing what normal people do - visiting family. If he has a problem with it, I'm not going to stop, but to make life easier, I lie.

[Vindi]

Sara, why does he not like your family? maybe its time to set some boundaries.

I myself, would never be without my family and I'd never give them up for anyone.

So how did it go since he returned home from vacation.

If he rages you can walk out, take a time out, til things cool off.

Decide how you want to live your life!

[nevaeh]

I'm guessing his "anger" had more to do with the fact that she should have been home cleaning and taking care of household things... . instead of relaxing and enjoying herself... . particularly since they spend money on a housekeeper.  They wouldn't need to spend money on a housekeeper if she were to just do it herself.

I have asked several times if we could get a cleaning person to help out.  We have a large, 5 bedroom home and with 3 kids and working full time in a senior management position at my company.  The response is always "WE can get it"... . well, the WE is actually ME and so things just don't get done.  Occasionally H will "help" but when he does it annoys me to death because he acts like he has just saved the world.  Plus, if even one thing goes "wrong" while he is cleaning he has the potential of going off and starting one of his rages. 

Anyway, hopefully your H coming home went fine.  My H is gone sometimes for military reasons for 2-3weeks at a time.  We so enjoy when he is gone and I usually don't tell him a thing about what we are doing, I basically just say that we're all bored just like we always are.  

[sara101]

so to answer vindis question, he came home from vacation on a sunday night. nothing happened until Wednesday when he came home from work and exploded because he saw the housekeeper in the house.he started yelling that he is going into the kitchen to fire her and going to call the police... .I normally leave the house when he starts to disregulate but I couldn't because I was afraid to leave the housekeeper alone with him. after an argument he agreed she could finish off the week but then she had to go. I am trying to find her another job . to answer your question as to why he does not like my family, that's because when I was dating and engaged to my husband he showed some crazy behaviors (typical of a BPD but I didn't know what BPD was about at the time) and they were scared for me and tried to warn me ,he has never forgiven them for that. my family has tried to make peace with him numerous times but he wont have anything to do with them and he also tries to alienate me from my friends.   

[waverider]

You will need to have clear and strong boundaries to prevent you from being split away from your family, and also to prevent being pressurized into feeling guilty or having to cover up for it.

Covering up is only a band aid solution, apart from how it makes you feel like a lesser person it also eventually comes out and then the consequences are worse as you have given him proof you can't be trusted.

Dont get into a squabble over a housekeeper, thats a luxury not a necessity. Reducing unnecessary conflict is a necessity. It's not about the housekeeper anyway, so it wont solve anything.

Abuse is abuse, if that starts go spend some time with your family or elsewhere. It's his decision, you are not obliged to put up with it.

By the way what was he going to call the police about?

[sara101]

my housekeeper is Spanish speaking and my husband doesnt speak Spanish, we used to have an English speaking housekeeper and my husband would call her and question her when I wasn't around re;how often I speak to my mother, visit my mother,which of my friends visit me, what my friends talk about... .it was a frustrating situation especially since this housekeeper used to play each of us feeding us different information,not all necesarally true.1 day I was home when the housekeeper and my husband thought I was out and I overheard a horrific conversation between the 2 of them about me. I fired her that weekend and hired a Spanish speaking person so we would never have that problem again .I lost complete respect for my husband and don't trust him at all with anything.  my husband wanted to call the police to check her papers to c if she was legal .he is frustrated that he lost his spy and he knows I like her and he wants to punish me for spending time with my family. yes a housekeeper is a luxury but let me explain my situatin. my husband makes over a million dollars a yr. we have large dinner parties in our home  multiple times a month  and I cook and bake all the food, I make the bread ,all the food and desserts for a 4 course meals .my husband wants a home made dinner every night waiting for him when he gets home , we go out to social events  on a regular basis sometimes up to 3x a week, my husband wont do ANYTHING in the house. Even with a housekeeper in my home a few days a week I am very busy, often she works beside me in the kitchen as I prepare for guests. I am not sitting at a beach club all day. I have a 1 yr old child  to care for and take to play dates. this is not about a housekeeper,its about control, my husband comes up with a new "crisis' or emergency ' issue on a regular basis. this is todays issue, once she is gone he will come up with a new issue

[nevaeh]

I'm guessing his "anger" had more to do with the fact that she should have been home cleaning and taking care of household things... . instead of relaxing and enjoying herself... . particularly since they spend money on a housekeeper.  They wouldn't need to spend money on a housekeeper if she were to just do it herself.

Hopefully my post didn't sound rude (above).  I was trying to paraphrase what I was "guessing" your H might be "thinking" in his head to justify his attitude/control, not that you don't need, or can't afford a housekeeper.  I'm sorry if it didn't read that way... .

After reading your last post I would agree that it sounds like he just wants to control the situation.  It happens a lot with my H as well.  It is very frustrating!

[sara101]

nevaeh, thank u 4 your response, didn't think u sounded rude, thanks for taking an interest