Just wanted to introduce myself

[gettingthru]

  I just wanted to take a moment to introduce myself and tell a little of my story. I'm a single mom.  My DD is 14, soon to be 15.  She has always been a tough kid... . from birth.   She was enrolled in TaeKwondo at age 3 (hoping to give her some control) until age 10... . she did get her Black Belt, then decided she didn't want to do it anymore.   She is highly intelligent, yet doesn't apply herself.   She's been diagnosed with everything from ADHD to BiPolar, to brain damage, to pervasive development, depression , anxiety and the list goes on.  I recently took her to yet another Dr... . and this time its BPD with Psychosis.  Is this the right answer this time?  Who knows... . but from what I've been reading... . I'd say it is a definitive possibility.

She has the explosive relationships (loves them, hates them)   There are times that she will call me at work and won't hang up until I get home.  She has rages that are uncontrollable.  She lies... . if she speaks, she lies... . she has told people that I beat her... . that she had a horse and her father shot it... . that I threw her out of the house and then I call the police to make myself look better, only to beat her when she gets back home.  She has even told people that she had a baby and her father is raising it.

She's like the little girl in the poem... . when she is good... . she is very very good, but when she is bad... . she is horrid!... . Friends don't get it.  I don't have a lot of family... . so not much support for me.   I have tons of support in place for her... . she will be starting in a therapeutic HS next week... . group therapy twice a week, individual therapy once a week or as needed, and family therapy once a week... . all mandatory.  Then we also have a therapist come to the house once a week and she will be starting with a mentor shortly.  And my dad will be spending time with her a least once a week if he can handle her... . she is usually really good with other people.  There have been issues at school, but usually it is me that gets the brunt of her rages.

I am going to be getting a parenting coach... on a waiting list for that.  That will be 10 weeks.  And I am looking at the Peer-to-Peer Support available at the local Family Support Organization.  There is also a support group that meets on Wednesday nights, but that one is tough because I work two jobs.    I am doing lots of reading, here and book wise. 

I'm having a good day right now... . so I can type this without the tears.  My daughter still tells me everyday that she loves me... . and I tell her everyday that no matter what happens, I will always love her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi gettingthru 

Welcome to you! What a mixed bag of emotions in your post eh? all the pain and hurt of a dd with BPD, the anger with nothing working and lack of understanding and support, the fear for the future... . but it does look so positive from where I am 

It sounds like you have so much good therapeutic support   and a parenting coach for you too 

For reading, as an introductory to BPD I know that many of us would recommend Valerie Porr's book: Overcoming BPD. It is the sort of book that is always by my side (except I've leant it out - darn). Your parenting coach will be talking boundaries or limit setting with you and validation too, I am sure. Can I suggest a great video on validation?

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD 

It goes for about 50 mins and you'll need a pen and paper to take notes.

Where are you at with your reading and your thoughts on what you have read so far?

Cheers,

Vivek     

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, gettingthru, and I'd like also welcome you   

I'm so glad to hear about all the positive things that you and your daughter have lined up! The Theraputic School sounds wonderful; all that professional attention for your daughter should really be helpful, and I hope she's actually at least positive about the prospect, if not looking forward to it... . How does she feel about it? If she's got a positive attitude, that would be so helpful for her progress. It does sound like you have a positive attitude and are looking forward to it, as would I in your situation. I'm so glad for the 2 of you that there's this plan in place, along with the Parenting Coach for you, and the Peer to Peer Support possibilities. You truly sound like you are doing all you can to put one foot in front of the other; kudos!

I agree with Vivek  that "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr is a wonderful book. Have you also read "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" by Randi Kreger? That one is also wonderful and, I think, important.

I'm sorry for all the trauma you've been going through up to now; everything you talk about is something most of the parents on this Board can commiserate with. You are so in the right place for support and encouragement and insights. I truly think the stars have aligned for you and your daughter, and things will look up and become better and better... . I admire your tenacity and willingness to push through, and look forward to your posts about how your daughter is doing as she goes to this school and makes her way through the various programs set up for her. I'm excited for you~~and for her   

[gettingthru]

Thank you for the warm welcome.   The two books I'm reading right now are "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out -of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship", by Shari Y. Manning  and  Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents", by Blaise A. Aguirre, MD

My DD is her father in a skirt.  Of course when I was with him, I didn't know anything about BPD... . I thought I was dealing with BiPolar with his severe ADHD (he of course is in denial about all that.  For years, I was in an abusive relationship with him that sunk me into a pretty deep depression.  When I did finally leave him there were restraining orders in place and I had to leave the state to get away from him.  Years of court battles took place, resulting in him having to go for anger management (did nothing) and therapeutic visitation with my DD.  He didn't go for the anger management for almost 4 years, so they had very little contact during that time and he also called her and told her he moved to Florida and that she would never see him again... . she was devasted.   Once he went for the anger management class (what a joke) and the therapeutic visitation (after one visit the therapist thought he should have regular overnight visitation) the fun really started.  He is supposed to see her every other weekend and once during the week... . months go by without them seeing each other.  And when they do see each other, it can get rather explosive... the two of them together can be crazy.  She explodes, he explodes so he leaves her wherever they are.  She's been left in malls more than once resulting in me picking her up.  She says she was raped by a family friend, she went as far as talking to the DA, but we aren't really sure if it happened.   She said she just doesn't ever want to see him again, and I've made sure that she hasn't.   

When she lies about stuff, she is actually believable.  She has the details and doesn't change the story, even years later.  Somewhere in that brain of hers she truly believes what she says.     When she was very young, and going through the custody issues, we went to a forensic psychologist as ordered by the court.   His findings was that she was a tough kid, that I was possible a little soft with her (she was 3 at the time) but that I instinctively knew what to do to help her and distract her.   He felt her father should see her with supervision as he could see that was explosive.  And int he middle of the whole thing he was arrested for a DWI.

When she was just shy of 10, I got remarried.  What a disaster that turned out to be.   My husband was hospitalized 3 times for depression.  My step daughter was hospitalized a few times (she was diagnosed with bi-polar II, but again from reading, I would think there is BPD there).  I was the one taking care of everyone... . doctor appointments, therapists, staying on top of school.  So I again slipped into a depression.  Not sleeping, eating all the time (gained a ton of weight) I was a mess.   I went on anti depressants and was seeing a therapist and a marriage counselor.  Nothing changed in our marriage.  My therapist told me to tell my husband and his ex wife that they needed to take care of their own kids, that I would support them, but I would no longer be the primary caretaker of them.  I truly feel that I failed my DD because I wasn't giving her the attention she needed, resulting in her running away twice.   I always found her, and she was always sorry.  I thought at the time that it was a scream for attention.  I left my husband after 3 and a 1/2  years.    She never really had a bond with my husband as he was so depressed.  And I regretted the marriage from the day I said I do, but that's a whole other story.

So we have been on our own again for the last two years.  I moved back to where I grew up, knowing I needed a support system and I have tons of friends and some family close by.   Good for me disaster for her.  She started with the truancy, the explosive rages happened more often, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, lying you name it, it all came to light.  She did disappear for 8 hours one night resulting in Mobile Crisis coming to the house and that is what started getting all the services in place.  She hates the rages and the fighting.  But she is at the "Accept me the way I am" phase.   She's had a therapist since March. 

[sunshineplease]

Hey, gettingthru, welcome. I've been where you are (running myself ragged "taking care" of everyone), and I'm glad to hear you're actively working to get support and learning so you can take care of yourself and your daughter. I'm also happy to hear that your daughter can say she loves you, and that your love doesn't waver in the face of this nasty disease. Those words can get you through a lot of painful learning!

[portion]

I find the rages so emotionally draining... . the never knowing what will trigger them or how long they will last or what will be destroyed this time. They are bad enough when they are small children but a teenager, taller than the adult having what amounts to a temper tantrum is horrendous... . all other people see is a spoiled brat who didnt get their own way, not the deep pain and a mental illness. How best to help?

[gettingthru]

Portion, the rages are draining.  I found that I am most successful in getting thru them when I remember to remain calm, let her know that I can see that she is upset or disappointed or angry... . depending on what started the rage.  I tell her I won't engage in an argument and we will talk when she calms down.  I then go to another room and read book (or at least appear to be reading)  the rage generally wears itself out when it doesn't have me feeding into it.  Yes, my room has been trashed, I've been told I'm the worse mother in the entire world... . she hates me... she doesn't need me.  But at some point it winds up with her cuddling up to me and crying.

[gettingthru]

Oh Joy.  My dd and her friend (also possible BPD) just went to the store.   Just before leaving they went into her room to get a bag, came out with the explanation  that neither had pockets therefore needed a purse.  I had my DD bring it over to me, she told her friend I was checking it for pot... . her friend agreed that it was a reasonable thing to do (they both have a history of smoking)... . I found an empty bag (that obviously had contained pot)  "Oh that's old, that's from the day on the beach". and a single hit thingy (looks like a cigarette but is actually a one hit thingy for pot) "Oh that's where that went" (apparently belonged to the friend)  My DD, "give it back to her"  me, "No, I'll give it to her mother when her mother picks her up"  Friend, "Can you just throw it out?"  Me "Yes, I will throw it out"  DD, "you're such a bhit"  and off they went.  Now I never said I wouldn't tell her mother, but I did throw it out.  No pot was found... . so do I tell the friend's mom or let it go?  The girls both know that her mom and I are working with each other to keep them safe during these difficult teenage years.  Friend gets regular drug tests at the school she is in.

[jellibeans]

Getting thur

welcome... . you dd sounds like a lot of the daughters and sons here. I want to say I am happy to see you have a plan in place and your dd is getting the help you all need. I would find comfort in that for sure.

I want to encourage you to get Valerie Porr's book Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. I have read a lot of books looking for answers and guidance but this book really helped me a lot.

We all go through many different phases... . anger, fear, guilt etc... . but until we gain some skills we continue to ride that roller coaster called BPD... . one thing I realized was that the only control I had was over myself... . I could change the way I interacted with my dd and hopefully that would help us live together happily for the most part.

1) reduce the power struggles and you will reduce the conflict

2) set boundaries... . very important

3) validate their feelings... . our children are very sensitive... . more so than others and it sounds like she has been through a lot.

4) get professional help... . DBT therapy is very good but it is more important to find a therapist she likes and will talk with.

5) take care of yourself... . you are no good to anyone if you are depressed and worn out so really try to do things for yourself.


welcome... . please keep sharing... . this group has helped me a great deal... . I have posted here a hundred times when things were pretty unsettled in my home but I do think in the last year my family has learned a lot and things have got better. It is important to believe that things will get better and always have hope.

Here are some quotes I look at when I need a pick me up

Love me when a least deserve it because that is when I need it most

A bad day does not equal a bad life.

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

[vivekananda]

getting thru, you sound so balanced. I think I would be tearing my hair out with frustration after the pot episode ... . but then, you do have good supports around you   when my girl was a teen I felt totally isolated. I am so pleased you have managed things so that you do have good people in your life. I am sure though that you do feel that frustration, and my heart goes out to you. It looks like you have your boundaries nice and firm too  .

Hi portion   welcome to our boards here   Can I encourage you to start your own thread and introduce yourself to the parents here just as gettingthru has done. It will be good to have the chance to learn about your situation and offer our support to you too 

cheers,

Vivek    

[raytamtay3]

Hi gettingthru. And welcome!   I recently joined the board as well and already have learned a lot. Our stories have some similarities. Brief snyopsis:

DD14 (in 4 days). Many diagnoses with the most recent being BPD "traits". My ex, her father, also has traits that I've just recently realized after reading so much about the disorder. DD has been a handful from the get-go.  Almost kicked out of daycares. Always classified as "spirited". Trouble in school in that she a fearless mentality and does not care who you are, if she doesn't like what you have to say, she will tell you. Two disordly conducts. First for setting leaves on fire at a park second for calling a cop a "pig".  Had shared custody with my ex who got to the point two years ago where he just couldn't deal with her anymore. So I have legal and primary custody. We have a therapist who comes to our home for two hours twice a week. Also getting set up with a mentor threw the same agency (system of care). My daughter has three tattoos that she obtained without my consent. A nose ring and a belly button ring as well. She lies constantly. To our faces! And she too is very good about sticking to her lies. Thankfully she hasn't gotten to the point where she makes false accusations about us.  I'm remarried. Up until a few months ago she adored her stepfather. That was until he started being authoritative (sp?). Now he is painted black.  It tough. Real tough. I've come to the realization that I'm depressed at the moment as I have not slept well in over two weeks. The stress of dealing with a daughter like this is taking it's toll on me. She is having unprotected sex (I have her on bc), smoking pot and cigeretts, is already planning on not attending school, has stayed out all weekend and overnights without my permission or letting me know where she is, and comes home very late every night. And I feel helpless.  Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And whenever you want to commiserate, I'm here for you.  Take care.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders