exH taking wedding service of mutual friend - not sure I can go

[clairedair]

My exH (upwBPD) is to take the wedding service of our mutual friend.

I was really looking forward to the wedding as there will be many friends there who I have not seen in a long time plus I'm really excited for the bride and groom as they are a great couple.  We've known the groom for nearly 30 years.

I'm just not sure I can sit through a service with my exH talking about marriage and vows whilst I and his new wife sit in the wedding party!  He just left (after 10+ reconciliations) last October and was married 8 months later to someone he dated for less than six months.  The first time we split, he wanted back and told me that his marriage vows were sacred - he was dating someone 8 weeks later and would have married her had we been divorced.  He's a perfect choice for the wedding from my friends' point of view as he really makes the service special (I should know - I sat in many a pew on my own whilst he took relatives' and friends' weddings over the last 25 years).

Our friends are aware of our comings and goings but they think of him as a bit mixed up.  I don't think they realise just how traumatic the last years have been, partly because I've defended ex in the past.   I don't want to look (a) petty or (b) pathetic if I don't turn up.  I'm angry that he gets to go and be happy with a new partner and have the attention as the person taking the service when I'll be either sitting there feeling like throwing up or somewhere else completely avoiding the whole situation.  I don't want people feeling sorry for me (doing that enough for myself at times!)

I really want to be someone who can go to the wedding, remain dignified and civil, and hopefully enjoy time with old friends and a dance or two but I am dreading it.  I've not yet met his new wife - no idea what she even looks like - and I don't want to meet her for first time when exH is taking the wedding service.  I googled her to see if I could find a picture of her on her work website and saw a photo of her and my exH signing the wedding register at their own ceremony!

I feel that I should be further on than this but I think partly that's because exH moved on so quickly and I need to stop measuring my progress with that of someone who has left me many times, left the exgf many times then married a third woman very quickly.

Have any of you had to attend a family/friend occasion where your ex was present?  How did it go?

[seeking balance]

I really want to be someone who can go to the wedding, remain dignified and civil, and hopefully enjoy time with old friends

Have any of you had to attend a family/friend occasion where your ex was present?  How did it go?

I think I said this same thing a few years ago when one of my good friends invited us both (and the new GF of ex) to an event.  My friend much longer, but as we were together 5+ years, my ex spent many a holiday with me there and the new GF was friendly with them too.

Well, I wanted to be the person to go - but I had to radically accept at that time, I just wasn't.  I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to be hurt any longer and I simply didn't attend and told my friend why.  My friend made her choice by really not making a choice - and I had to live with the consequences.

I have  created new friend groups as I created my new life - my new normal - and I have to say, I am happy.  It has been a journey, but the past has so many memories of chaos and my new life does not.

It was hard for me to admit I couldn't be "that" person, but I think it was in admitting my truth, my pain - that I started to put my emotional needs first.

No matter what you decide - it is going to be emotionally challenging and there really is no right or wrong. 

Peace,

SB

[clairedair]

No matter what you decide - it is going to be emotionally challenging and there really is no right or wrong. 

Thanks SB

I was really struggling earlier this year and getting annoyed with myself for being 'weak' but then decided that it was reasonable to need time to heal after the ending of a long-term marriage - especially where there hadn't been the closure I needed.  People I know who have suffered a significant bereavement seemed to take about two years to be fully engaged with life again so I planned to have to work on my healing for two years and not try to rush it.  Situations like this though have me lapsing into self-judgement mode.

Our child goes off to college next week and wants us both to take him - will see how that goes before I decide about wedding.   I have to concentrate on how I feel and my healing, not what others will think of me (including myself!).

Was interested in what you said about new friends.  I have wondered about whether to distance myself more from some people.  I don't want to but it might be necessary - I don't want to hear about ex and his new partner and not sure why others think I do. It's also a reminder of times we spent together as a group and now I'm the one that has to be excluded.

Inspiring to hear that your new life does not contain so much chaos.  Mine certainly is less chaotic now that exH and I are so much more detached but I'm looking forward to the day when seeing his number on caller display doesn't make me jump (as it did 5 minutes ago!)

I am so sad sometimes that we were together so long and have amazing kids together and now I wish he'd move to the other side of the world so I had no contact at all. 

[seeking balance]

  Situations like this though have me lapsing into self-judgement mode.

I can understand this too - I was a master at needing to be perfect.  Not sure if you have read Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown, but it helped me understand that my needing to be perfect was really me trying to control pain and hurt... . and it wasn't really working.

Our child goes off to college next week and wants us both to take him - will see how that goes before I decide about wedding.   I have to concentrate on how I feel and my healing, not what others will think of me (including myself!).

honestly, very wise.  I don't have kids with my ex and I do think that throws a wrench that requires a different set of boundaries.

Was interested in what you said about new friends.  I have wondered about whether to distance myself more from some people.  I don't want to but it might be necessary - I don't want to hear about ex and his new partner and not sure why others think I do. It's also a reminder of times we spent together as a group and now I'm the one that has to be excluded.

I didn't want to change friends, but the pain of everyone going with the flow of ex and feeling on the outside - I needed people that I felt safe with, mine.  Making good friends as an adult is different, slower, and some people disappoint or turn out to be different than you think - but overall, making new friends has been really good for me.   AND the more I do it, the easier it is.

Inspiring to hear that your new life does not contain so much chaos.  Mine certainly is less chaotic now that exH and I are so much more detached but I'm looking forward to the day when seeing his number on caller display doesn't make me jump (as it did 5 minutes ago!)

case in point - we had a big pool party yesterday for a bday - I had a wonderful time... . easy, no drama.  Not that some of the people there don't have drama, but I don't get caught in that stuff any longer... . I have changed.

I came home late, looked on FB and randomly (this has not happened in 3 years) a friend was tagged in a pic that happened to have my BPDex, her new partner, their baby and my college friends... . kinda the thing I always wanted to avoid.  I have some of the people blocked, but apparently this pic slipped in.

Guess what - I felt nothing.

Actually, I felt relief at not being at that pool party that I knew had drama, they always had drama.  I had just spent a day with newer friends, no drama and sincere kindness and fun.

I was almost shocked at feeling nothing - and I am grateful... .

Not trying to hijack, just showing you a real example of creating a new life can be ok.

I am so sad sometimes that we were together so long and have amazing kids together and now I wish he'd move to the other side of the world so I had no contact at all. 

This is reasonable.

I love OWN network shows... . recently Nate Burkis was on talking about the tsunami that he survived and his partner died in.  He said a phrase that stuck for me as he has continued to move forward in life... . life changes and it is sad, but the goal is to "create a new normal".

I didn't realize it at the time, but I have been creating a new normal - I like that phrase

So clairedair - I guess you are creating your new normal - it will be ok

,

SB

[clairedair]

I was almost shocked at feeling nothing - and I am grateful... .

Not trying to hijack, just showing you a real example of creating a new life can be ok.

Didn't take this as a hijack - it's really helpful to hear stories of those who are further along in the healing journey (sounds like I'm on Oprah now!)

I didn't realize it at the time, but I have been creating a new normal - I like that phrase

Thanks for sharing the phrase - I like it too.  Made me cry when I read it (now I really sound like I'm on Oprah!).  I guess it wasn't the actual phrase that made me cry but something that it touched.  Not sure what.  I think there's a conflict between wanting to get to that place but also being sad that my new normal won't include him except as some kind of 'business partner' in relation to the children. 

Thanks for the tip about Brene Brown - came across her TED talk recently and thought it was really good.  I once did one of those psychometric tests at work and was off the scale for perfectionism.  I'm not so like that now - trying to keep everything under control backfired bigtime on me - but I do relapse occasionally!

I really appreciate your replies SB - has been just what I needed tonight.