Accusation and Admitting - when they demand you agree

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't mean to sidetrack this thread but just wanted to ask you about your comment above.  How do you feel about these situations where your husband 'makes you agree' on what "you" are thinking?  The reason that I ask is that I remember having this type of situation play out in our house - where my husband demanded that I agree to something even though I wholeheartedly disagreed!  In the end at times... . I would just agree to make it all stop and it was horrible for me.

I got some advice from a therapist (someone very experienced with BPD) saying that I needed to find a way to speak my truth (even though sometimes that just involved not arguing and somehow sidestepping the landmine of agreeing with what I disagreed with!).  Man oh man it was a struggle though.  :)oes this situation bother you?  Are you able to express your truth?  There's a lot of really experienced folks on this board that may have advise on how they have handled it because I think its a common BPD thing.  If it doesn't bother you or you already have solutions... . sorry for bringing it up... . just wondered.  Maybe topic for a separate post?

Great subject for a new post! This is something I have struggled with FOREVER!  There are so many subjects that I don't agree with my H's opinions on... . I used to argue points with him but he just doesn't know when to shut up and agree go disagree.  Many times our disagreement would turn into him screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am for thinking that way.  My family knows that any political subjects are basically off limits when H is around.  H can make it very uncomfortable very quickly.  

Finally have time to start a new post on this topic as many seem to be struggling with the same issues- Accusation and Admitting

Answering alibaba and nevaeh:

I feel horrible having to agree with what my husband thinks “I” am thinking. I always start by trying to tell him what I really think. Of course that doesn’t work and just becomes the trigger where “I never admit to anything, I am stupid and that I even lie to myself and the whole world so I don’t admit I am at fault and therefore, no need to change my way of thinking.” Then he would say he gives up on me and start his silent treatment on me. A lot of times I did agree to keep peace… and that’s not healthy. I eventually thought I was really a bad person and have mental health issues as my H had said. So, I started seeing the psychologist and counselor. They reassured me that I don’t have mental health issues, just having to deal with an H that has most of the BPD traits. The counselor helped me not to understand and not get as frustrated and react as much to his accusation. She said in that moment, he will not believe in anything else but his own thoughts and I don’t need his validation on my own feelings and thinking. Now because I have not been reacting to his accusations, he feels I don’t care about him or the relationship anymore and gave me the longest silent treatment ever. My counsellor said that is a normal process because when someone with BPD sees the other half changing, he will feel he doesn’t have control of me anymore. Anyway, during the silent treatment, I just keep validating him that I do care and love him. Eventually, he talked to me again and I brought up “his thoughts on me” again and what “I” really thought. He just said, “because of the situation, you can’t blame me for thinking of you that way.” Typical BPD…... where he will not admit he was wrong, but at least I was able to effectively communicate to him what I did think. I don’t know if I have resolve this whole accusation and admitting issue, but so far I have only tested things out this way and I have to keep reminding myself that he will not ever agree because of his BPD behaviours.

[Viso]

I don't mean to sidetrack this thread but just wanted to ask you about your comment above.  How do you feel about these situations where your husband 'makes you agree' on what "you" are thinking?  The reason that I ask is that I remember having this type of situation play out in our house - where my husband demanded that I agree to something even though I wholeheartedly disagreed!  In the end at times... . I would just agree to make it all stop and it was horrible for me.

I got some advice from a therapist (someone very experienced with BPD) saying that I needed to find a way to speak my truth (even though sometimes that just involved not arguing and somehow sidestepping the landmine of agreeing with what I disagreed with!).  Man oh man it was a struggle though.  :)oes this situation bother you?  Are you able to express your truth?  There's a lot of really experienced folks on this board that may have advise on how they have handled it because I think its a common BPD thing.  If it doesn't bother you or you already have solutions... . sorry for bringing it up... . just wondered.  Maybe topic for a separate post?

Great subject for a new post! This is something I have struggled with FOREVER!  There are so many subjects that I don't agree with my H's opinions on... . I used to argue points with him but he just doesn't know when to shut up and agree go disagree.  Many times our disagreement would turn into him screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am for thinking that way.  My family knows that any political subjects are basically off limits when H is around.  H can make it very uncomfortable very quickly.  

Finally have time to start a new post on this topic as many seem to be struggling with the same issues- Accusation and Admitting

Answering alibaba and nevaeh:

I feel horrible having to agree with what my husband thinks “I” am thinking. I always start by trying to tell him what I really think. Of course that doesn’t work and just becomes the trigger where “I never admit to anything, I am stupid and that I even lie to myself and the whole world so I don’t admit I am at fault and therefore, no need to change my way of thinking.” Then he would say he gives up on me and start his silent treatment on me. A lot of times I did agree to keep peace… and that’s not healthy. I eventually thought I was really a bad person and have mental health issues as my H had said. So, I started seeing the psychologist and counselor. They reassured me that I don’t have mental health issues, just having to deal with an H that has most of the BPD traits. The counselor helped me not to understand and not get as frustrated and react as much to his accusation. She said in that moment, he will not believe in anything else but his own thoughts and I don’t need his validation on my own feelings and thinking. Now because I have not been reacting to his accusations, he feels I don’t care about him or the relationship anymore and gave me the longest silent treatment ever. My counsellor said that is a normal process because when someone with BPD sees the other half changing, he will feel he doesn’t have control of me anymore. Anyway, during the silent treatment, I just keep validating him that I do care and love him. Eventually, he talked to me again and I brought up “his thoughts on me” again and what “I” really thought. He just said, “because of the situation, you can’t blame me for thinking of you that way.” Typical BPD…... where he will not admit he was wrong, but at least I was able to effectively communicate to him what I did think. I don’t know if I have resolve this whole accusation and admitting issue, but so far I have only tested things out this way and I have to keep reminding myself that he will not ever agree because of his BPD behaviours.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[RedEye]

This happens from time to time with me. Even yesterday, I told my wife that I thought she looked great, and she replied by saying, "No, you're lying. You prefer blondes with big boobs." (I guess I one time, stupidly told her thought I prefer bigger breasts than smaller ones.) Nothing I said would convince her that I do find her beautiful, and that the fact that she's not busty is in no way detrimental to the way I see her. She wouldn't let it go, and it seemed like the only thing that would allow her to drop it is if I said, "You're right, I don't like the way you look." Eventually we reached where we were going (we were driving) and that allowed us to drop it. Thankfully, we didn't pick it up again later. At least, not yet... .

I find that I almost always give in eventually and "agree" with her opinion, especially if things are really heated, it's late at night, I'm really upset, and just want to say anything to stop fighting and go to sleep. Although I try to adjust my mind accordingly and actually believe what it is I agreed to, sometimes I forget and slip a little and have to carefully explain the issue (or else I'd be accused of lying either then or now, which is my wife's biggest pet peeve and fear). One of the biggest things is that my wife is convinced that noticing that somebody else is pretty is the same as checking them out and lusting, and I couldn't convince her that it's perfectly natural for men to notice that other women look nice and that it's not at all a threat to her. Eventually I just agreed to not find anybody ever pretty again. It's actually been mostly successful -- I have not lusted in months and can treat women as I would sisters -- but it's really tiring.

[Cipher13]

Very good topic. I had probably the worst rage episode to date.  I am being accused of being mean. Because I have mad changes in my life to not let her control everything about me she sees it as being mean.  I have to admit I am or at least come up with a reason why I am all of a sudden doing this... I have always eventually given in. I do not have the same resolve to out last her. It can go for hours and hours and hours way into the night. She wears me down.

[Mono No Aware]

They try so hard to force their twisted and flipping reality on us.

I'm battling this right now via text msg while I type.

I replied, "I wish your feelings weren't so accusatory."

They need validation.

[ltul]

This is probably one if the most difficult things about my experience with my BPDh. He has told me for years that it was me. I always thought of him as so logical and analytical that when he would demand me to except I was wrong (even when I knew it was not true)I would question myself.  I started to doubt my reality. It has  been a long process coming to understand BPD and how they think in black and white, how feelings equal facts and how his reality is not always correct no matter how smart and accomplished he is. I think once you have the confidence to just say what you believe and not doubt yourself. Once you get to that point you stop having to explain yourself. You stop trying to convince them of your side. It is so freeing to know that you can walk away from an argument. Save your breathe all the air in the world will never be enough to  convince someone with BPD of your truth. Just know that it  is yours and they can't take it away.

     I have noticed the more I just state my thoughts, keeping them simple and to the point the less he argues. If he argues I just repeat simple words over again. I do not explain. If he continues further I say we will just have to disagree and walk away. Surprising to me is that sometimes now he actually apologizes a little while later ( they don't always last but still better then nothing)

     I am by no means saying it is easy because on a bad day I can still be sucked in. Learning all you can about BPD and about yourself. Especially about yourself. That's where you will get your confidence to stand up for yourself and not get sucked in.

[Cipher13]

I always thought of him as so logical and analytical that when he would demand me to except I was wrong (even when I knew it was not true)I would question myself.  I started to doubt my reality.

I thought and still think of my wife as a very logical person... . now I find it primarliy only applies to things that are not related to her or her feelings. I started to really doubt my sanity when my wife convinced me that my words that I was thinking would change whenI tried to speak them. So I would have a thought about X and when I would explain it it would turn to Y.  The worst part was that I beleived that was happening and I don't even know it. Scary. It causes you to really doubt you sanity in this relationship.

[MammaMia]

Itul

Your suggestions are right on.  To avoid a long, drawn-out argument, state your opinion briefly and simply then walk away.  Do not engage.  Do not be combative.

Sometimes pwBPD will actually try to tell you what you are thinking or feeling.  They do this because they believe nons "know" what THEY are thinking without verbalizing anything.

When this happens, I simply correct my dBPDs by saying... . "you do not know what I am thinking" or "you do not know how I feel"... . "you are assuming things."  Then stop.  This often opens the door for him to ask what I am REALLY thinking or feeling. 

Silence can be golden.  Often, pwBPD want to talk and us to listen with no interruptions or interjections.  To interrupt says to them that what they are talking about is not important or correct, and we are trying to take over the conversation ... . because we are ALWAYS  right and they are ALWAYS wrong.  It is disrespectful, and many pwBPD have a hard time keeping a train of thought going.  To interrupt them, derails the train, adding confusion and frustration.

It is hard to have conversations with someone whose interpretation of what you are saying may or may not be what you mean.  It can be a real challenge.

[lostandunsure]

I've had this issue from time to time with my wife. I like and have used the advice above to remind her that she doesn't know what's going on in my head anymore than I can read her mind. It's not always easy, but the thing that seems to have helped the most is the reminder that I don't know what she's thinking and that she would feel bad if I made assumptions about it or told her what she was thinking. Over time she has come to accept that while she may not totally believe me, she has to on some level trust what I'm saying. It's taken a long time to get there and it still comes up, especially during arguments or periods of dysregulation.

On the flip side, I need to remind myself that even though I may think I know what's going on in her head, that I really don't and that I need to be careful about making assumptions about her. I think it's been a good lesson for both of us to try and keep in mind.

[waverider]

Self confident people do not require the agreement and validation of others. pwBPD have low self confidence, even if they seem otherwise on the surface. hence they need you to agree/validate their view.

You try to convince them otherwise because they have sapped your self confidence and want them to see that they are wrong you are right> conflict starts. Their need for external validation is stronger than yours so you finally give up and cave in. But you still feel the need to be right, so now you bear resentment that you caved (unfairly beaten in your mind).

The trick is to regain your self confidence so that your desire for others to agree/validate is lessened. You know what you know, they believe what they believe. The two are separate and don't have to be intertwined. You wont feel the need to justify. You wont feel the need to hide your truth either, for if they take exception to it then they start heading towards the realm of boundaries and you disengage. If you just agree you give intermittent reinforcement and the process becomes entrenched.

Demands > Disengage

Abuse> Boundaries

It is the only way they will start to have any realization that Demands or Abuse will gain them no benefits.

Communication has come ineffective in both cases and the level of disrespect is rising.

As lostandunsure has raised, you have to likewise understand that your truth is just your truth from your perspective, nothing more, you are not in their mind, and not seeing things as they do.

[waverider]

I have come to be aware and accept that as a result of the disorder communications will rarely be 100% effective, I am always vigilante of that point were interpretations are starting to veer, it is at that point i cut back and ease off. Otherwise you end up trying to overcorrect to the point that all control is lost.

The degree of ineffectiveness varies, sometimes good, sometimes hopeless.

Disengagement and redirection does not always have to be blunt, it can be subtle especially if not left too late. It is our own stubborness that is often our undoing.

[DreamFlyer99]

It is so freeing to know that you can walk away from an argument. Save your breathe all the air in the world will never be enough to  convince someone with BPD of your truth. Just know that it  is yours and they can't take it away.

     I have noticed the more I just state my thoughts, keeping them simple and to the point the less he argues. If he argues I just repeat simple words over again. I do not explain. If he continues further I say we will just have to disagree and walk away. Surprising to me is that sometimes now he actually apologizes a little while later ( they don't always last but still better then nothing)

     

I've actually managed to use this as part of the SET communication--where the T which equals my truth (what's REALLY in my head no matter what he thinks) is stated simply, then when he's gone back to try to force the issue again I repeated those same words. The third time I did what I should have done the 2nd time which was to calmly say "I already told you what I thought/meant/etc." And then removed myself.

Phew-- it took me a lot of reading and asking questions to get to that point, but it was sure a good way to bring the whole thing back down when it could have easily spiraled out of control.

Like Waverider said, I had the confidence to know who I was at that point and what was in my own head and not let his nonsense get the better of me. (sometimes I can.)

[Grey Kitty]

I was often told what I was thinking, and it was usually self-hatred and self-judgement projected onto me by my wife.

My natural reaction was to be PISSED when she told me what I was thinking and she was wrong.

I don't recall her asking me to apologize for the thoughts that she projected on me.

Because it was triggering to me, I set a boundary that I wouldn't participate in a discussion where she told me what I was thinking. I wish I had managed to quietly and politely enforce that boundary every time, but at least I didn't continue in that direction.

I think it is a safe bet that any conversation which starts with one person telling the other one what they are thinking and staying there is not a productive one to continue!

And I gotta say it is very freeing to realize that I don't need to prove what I'm thinking to anybody!

[allibaba]

I find that I almost always give in eventually and "agree" with her opinion, especially if things are really heated, it's late at night, I'm really upset, and just want to say anything to stop fighting and go to sleep.

This really is a great topic. 

Now, I absolutely refuse to agree with something I disagree with because long-term its completely counterproductive.  I like waverider's about demands > disengage and abuse > boundaries.

I'll try to state what I think (short and sweet) and not in a way that says 'I have to have you agree with me' and then scurry away.

I usually try to disengage from these types of situations if its too heated.  If he starts pushing me then I say, "Well I am having trouble communicating what I really think or believe right now... .so I am going to leave the conversation.  Perhaps later when things are calmer I'll be more successful communicating this with you."

Learning that I didn't have to prove I was right was really freeing to me.  Furthermore, learning this with my husband has improved my ability to communicate and work with others (like in a work environment) because I'm not as ego driven as I used to be. 

[briefcase]

The temporary peace of acquiesence isn't worth the permanent cycle of dysfunction it creates. 

[eyvindr]

All of this is so familiar.

Like so many of you, I, too, tried to my damnedest to detach from those conversations -- easily 95% of which took place over the phone, or via txt msgs (despite repeated agreements that we wouldn't do that) -- but was met with, "No, I think we need to talk about this now."

What can you do when they just won't let it end, except end it yourself.

Like bc, I finally accepted this:

The temporary peace of acquiescence isn't worth the permanent cycle of dysfunction it creates.

It all began to feel like too many personal failures to me. Every repeated argument was worse than the last time we had it, despite it being the same damned rehashing nonsense -- in fact, because it was the same damned rehashing! Never once was anything ever put in the past -- except for her mistakes, which I was always got served with a personal foul if I ever brought up anything she'd done.

Everything always boiled down to the same thing -- the continued cycle of arguing made me unhappy, and it didn't appear that it was ever going to end. Then she'd argue that all couples argue, and I have unrealistic expectations. And I'd respond that she had every right to consider my expectations to be unrealistic, but they were mine nonetheless, and I found the level of arguing between us to be miserable, and I wasn't willing to continue to live with it. Then she'd argue that I wanted perfection from her, and I'd never find it, and furthermore, I'd never ever find another good woman who would love me as purely as she did. And I'd say that's sweet of her, but I was afraid the continual arguments over what I should be or shouldn't be doing made me feel pretty much like all I brought to the r-ship was stress, and it wasn't what I aspired to... .you know the drill. It never ended. Because she'd never let it end. I'll never understand that degree of craziness.

But, despite sometimes wishing that I had the patience to be able to sustain our relationship -- I accept that, honestly, I don't want to have to work that hard to maintain a continuum of positive emotional stability with the person who claims to want the same thing as me! I'm not wired for it. The emotionally dysregulated nervous systems of pwBPD totally overload my circuitry.

<ctrl-alt-del>

Shutting down now. Restart?   

[Chosen]

Viso, I can relate to your post.  I get accused a lot too, and if I agree then I'm lying to myself and giving him ammunition to attack me in the future ("You see?  Last time you apologised for attacking me!", if I don't it means I'm unrepentant and self-centred ("You aren't even willing to admit you're wrong!".

What I do now is that, if he's putting words in my mouth or thoughts in my mind, like "I know you're thinking that I am wrong."  I will just say outright, "Please do not assume what I think.  I have just told you I agree with you and I didn't think you're wrong."

I also have established my own value that "we don't always have to agree on everything.  It is ok to disagree sometimes without trying to convince the other party of my own beliefs."  Therefore, I may even tell my pwBPD, "I am thinking _____.  You don't have to believe me, and that's ok."  By doing this (you must be calm and not get upset), you are letting the pwBPD know that you are alright with them not believing in you.  On the other hand, you are not going to change your opinions/ beliefs just because they think otherwise.

This is from my personal experience, hope it helps.

[Cipher13]

My uBPDw has the ability in own "discussions" to keep me from even being able to come up with a responce. And when that happens I am called out on not responding. I have to stop and think if how to respond without it always and I mean always defendingmyself with "NO I'm not".  She has a way to  manuipulate words so that any answer you would give damns you. 

I also have established my own value that "we don't always have to agree on everything.  It is ok to disagree sometimes without trying to convince the other party of my own beliefs."  Therefore, I may even tell my pwBPD, "I am thinking _____.  You don't have to believe me, and that's ok."  By doing this (you must be calm and not get upset), you are letting the pwBPD know that you are alright with them not believing in you

I try this all the time, It hasn't worked once. She has told me I don't care. I said thats fine to I'm just letting you know my thoughts and I have heard yours on this. I know I am not ever going to change her opinion. I can't get her to accept I have one that differs. Its not ok because that means obviously I don't care or love her and thats mean. 

[Grey Kitty]

Here's one you can fall back on that I have used at times:

"If I say anything more, I'll say something hurtful that I will later regret."

I gotta admit that most often when I used this one it was as I was walking out the door, trying not to slam it.

[waverider]

I can't get her to accept I have one that differs. Its not ok because that means obviously I don't care or love her and thats mean. 

Thats her problem not yours, She wants total submission, anything short means she is a failure, and thats not acceptable. You just have to disengage and let her deal with that.

There often is no final resolution. The aim here is to be able to speak your truth not to get them to accept it. That often is not possible.

Sometimes its like negotiating with a suicide bomber when you don't even speak their language. You just have to put your hard hat on and find a safer place. There is no half an explosion and collateral damage is of no concern

[Chosen]

I also have established my own value that "we don't always have to agree on everything.  It is ok to disagree sometimes without trying to convince the other party of my own beliefs."  Therefore, I may even tell my pwBPD, "I am thinking _____.  You don't have to believe me, and that's ok."  By doing this (you must be calm and not get upset), you are letting the pwBPD know that you are alright with them not believing in you

I try this all the time, It hasn't worked once. She has told me I don't care. I said thats fine to I'm just letting you know my thoughts and I have heard yours on this. I know I am not ever going to change her opinion. I can't get her to accept I have one that differs. Its not ok because that means obviously I don't care or love her and thats mean.  

What I mean is, you don't try to change her opinion, you don't expect her to accept your opinion, it becomes ok for her to deduce "you don't care/ you don't love me" when you reply this, and even though you don't believe it should be true (i.e. if you do this or that to her, it does NOT mean you don't love her), you don't try to change her opinion of that.  I guess it's part of the radical acceptance we must all learn.  We can't change anybody's opinion.  Whether or not it's valid (sometimes they're completely "out there", there is nothing we can do to guarantee they change their views of us.

As waverider said, you, as a logical person, wants to compromise so there is a mid-way both of you are comfortable with.  With a pwBPD, it is usually all or nothing.  Unless you comply with her wishes 100%, you don't love her.   You know very well that you cannot do the 100% she expects, so you will have to acept that in some way, she will feel that you don't love her (even though it's not true probably).

[Cipher13]

This brings me to this question I think i saw from someone else to... .If it appears they actually have this ability to be reasonable with others and have pretty logical conversations with them... yet those that are closest to them don't get that side of them.  :'(

[waverider]

This brings me to this question I think i saw from someone else to... .If it appears they actually have this ability to be reasonable with others and have pretty logical conversations with them... yet those that are closest to them don't get that side of them.  :'(

Consistency causes emotional overload,. Maintaining a facade causes stress to build up and it needs an outlet. This why big events and social occasions when control is necessary comes with a backlash drama.

Facade and retaliation are equal and opposite sides of the disorder, neither is "normal". This is why the facade can be overly sickly and cheesy.

[eyvindr]

This is fascinating --

Consistency causes emotional overload. Maintaining a facade causes stress to build up and it needs an outlet. This why big events and social occasions when control is necessary comes with a backlash drama.

Facade and retaliation are equal and opposite sides of the disorder, neither is "normal". This is why the facade can be overly sickly and cheesy.

Never thought of it this way before, waverider -- the idea that consistency would be overwhelming. Because, for well-adjusted, self-regulating brains, what could be easier than simply being consistent? But, in the context of a pwBPD, whose emotions are continually in a state of flux -- being consistent requires an act of will on their part. Imagine how much energy they expend to try to provide the outside world with the image they think is expected of them?

Instead of simply being themselves. I wonder, if they could just relax into their disorder, would it possibly help smooth out their moods? Then again, this would require the ability to self-soothe -- for instance, I can tell when I'm in a funk, and I can address it myself, in the form of thinking it through, considering the potential causes, and then coming up with a plan to resolve it.

Very interesting.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Demands > Disengage

Abuse> Boundaries

This is so simple, but so true and helpful.  I've practiced this on a small scale, and seen positive results.  Thanks for stating something that is relatively easy to remember.

[Linlu53]

This has been a huge problem in our relationship. I am new to recognizing what has really been going on all these years and all these posts have been blowing my mind. I've wondered what has done so much damage to my soul. It has in part been because I have been forced to agree with him despite what I truly believed. When our kids were growing up at home he would go overboard in disciplining or punishing them not physically, but verbally. And he would spend hours getting me to agree and then force me to go and regurgitate to them what he believes as though it were both of our thoughts on whatever it happened to be at the time. Going against what I really felt and knew to be my truth for so long has taken its toll. I always get told that I don't love him. God forbid I feel differently on any subject than him, even if its not a volatile one. I am slowly trying to learn some of the techniques, but sometimes wonder if I have the strength to keep it up. It's hard to believe there are that many of us out there with the same realities!

[allibaba]

Demands > Disengage

Abuse> Boundaries

This is so simple, but so true and helpful.  I've practiced this on a small scale, and seen positive results.  Thanks for stating something that is relatively easy to remember.

Yes I love this.  Would it be inappropriate to get that tattooed on my wrist (kidding!)   

[Viso]

This is fascinating --

Consistency causes emotional overload. Maintaining a facade causes stress to build up and it needs an outlet. This why big events and social occasions when control is necessary comes with a backlash drama.

Facade and retaliation are equal and opposite sides of the disorder, neither is "normal". This is why the facade can be overly sickly and cheesy.

Never thought of it this way before, waverider -- the idea that consistency would be overwhelming. Because, for well-adjusted, self-regulating brains, what could be easier than simply being consistent? But, in the context of a pwBPD, whose emotions are continually in a state of flux -- being consistent requires an act of will on their part. Imagine how much energy they expend to try to provide the outside world with the image they think is expected of them?

Instead of simply being themselves. I wonder, if they could just relax into their disorder, would it possibly help smooth out their moods? Then again, this would require the ability to self-soothe -- for instance, I can tell when I'm in a funk, and I can address it myself, in the form of thinking it through, considering the potential causes, and then coming up with a plan to resolve it.

Very interesting.

Agree. I really wonder why BPDs always have to make things so difficult! Nothing is ever satisfying even with consistency and a stable life. When thing’s been peaceful for a while, they always have to find something, make it complicated and bomb you! Like having to regain the centre of attention again.

[MammaMia]

Absolutely.  Chaos reigns supreme with BPD.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yes I love this.  Would it be inappropriate to get that tattooed on my wrist (kidding!)   

 

[Traumatized]

It's gotten so bad for me that I recently sat down and wrote a 4 page letter admitting to everything she THINKS I did wrong to her.  I tried to remember every single offense I've supposedly committed and began each sentence with, "I was wrong... .," and then confessed to doing whatever it is she has accused me of.  The majority of these things I did not do and do not feel right admitting to, but it's my last desperate attempt to make peace with her and resolve all the issues she has with me.

The problem I've had when I've confessed to things I haven't done, is that she then holds me accountable for the offense and demands to know WHY I did it.  When I don't have an answer she screams at me further, and will bring it up at some point in the future when she feels like going off on me.  My therapist said that since this tactic has never worked in the past, that I should just rip the letter up.  A good friend of mine told me admitting to things I haven't done is lying to myself and self-destructive.  My psychiatrist thinks I'm a masochist.  They are all probably right. 

But I guess none of it matters anyway because she hasn't responded to my last text asking to read the letter to her in person.  I know it's probably for best, but I'm still hoping to get the chance to do it anyway.  Some part of me still thinks it will clear the air, though I know in my heart it won't.