Advice please?

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I'm seven weeks out of relationship with uBPD girlfriend. I'm 39 & she's 34.

I've read about how the relationship evolves & my experience fits perfecly. She's high functioning & never self harmed or threatened to. We were n a relationship for 3 years & she's often ended it & come back a week or so later. I didn't know anything about BPD back then & have only discovered & read about the illness since we split up seven weeks ago. True to BPD I'm painted all black, all communication is with her results in her being hurtful (as per the BPD model when you're all black). This has all happened before so I'm used to it. Now i've found BPD I'm not taking the push away behavior personally or the harsh words, I understand it's an illness talking.

Difference this time is... . We were away before we split up & had a wonderful time & were expeptionally close. I'm sure that's what's triggered the push away after we got home. She's started seeing a new guy straight after we split & he's not the brightest button & no great catch.

Now I've found out what I've been dealing with I want to get the relationship back & try to get her into theripy. I want to love this woman & support my partner during treatment. I want to show her that she is not evil & very much worthy of love. i want to show her I won't abandon her!

Some will advise against this but I'd ask those to respect that is my decision. It is my right to change my mind if I get to a point where I can no longer continue. I'm not at that point yet & don't believe in giving up without even trying.

If he's the white knight & I'm all black I know any communication from me is going to go down badly & probably irritate her. What do the more experienced of you here advise I do?

P.S I've not reacted with anger to the split or new boyfriend. I've remained dignified & stayed out of her way. I have not done any of the chasing or trying to win my woman back. I don't find that attractive in people & so don't expect her to find it attractive if I start those capers?

Basically, you more wise out there who've got so much more experience, what should I do to stand the best chance of having a chance to get this situation turned around & looking more promising?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions & thanks for reading my post.

Cozmo.

[cozmo]

I'm seven weeks out of relationship with uBPD girlfriend. I'm 39 & she's 34.

I've read about how the relationship evolves & my experience fits perfecly. She's high functioning & never self harmed or threatened to. We were n a relationship for 3 years & she's often ended it & come back a week or so later. I didn't know anything about BPD back then & have only discovered & read about the illness since we split up seven weeks ago. True to BPD I'm painted all black, all communication is with her results in her being hurtful (as per the BPD model when you're all black). This has all happened before so I'm used to it. Now i've found BPD I'm not taking the push away behavior personally or the harsh words, I understand it's an illness talking.

Difference this time is... . We were away before we split up & had a wonderful time & were expeptionally close. I'm sure that's what's triggered the push away after we got home. She's started seeing a new guy straight after we split & he's not the brightest button & no great catch.

Now I've found out what I've been dealing with I want to get the relationship back & try to get her into theripy. I want to love this woman & support my partner during treatment. I want to show her that she is not evil & very much worthy of love. i want to show her I won't abandon her!

Some will advise against this but I'd ask those to respect that is my decision. It is my right to change my mind if I get to a point where I can no longer continue. I'm not at that point yet & don't believe in giving up without even trying.

If he's the white knight & I'm all black I know any communication from me is going to go down badly & probably irritate her. What do the more experienced of you here advise I do?

P.S I've not reacted with anger to the split or new boyfriend. I've remained dignified & stayed out of her way. I have not done any of the chasing or trying to win my woman back. I don't find that attractive in people & so don't expect her to find it attractive if I start those capers?

Basically, you more wise out there who've got so much more experience, what should I do to stand the best chance of having a chance to get this situation turned around & looking more promising?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions & thanks for reading my post.

Cozmo.

[cozmo]

Also, forgot to mention. I'm lucky enough to have a friend who's a relationship counselor. She always says "The best way to get someone back is to be fine about letting them go. That means the more you kick up about it, the more you justify their decision to them & ultimately, push them further away. She say desperation looks weak & acceptance looks strong. Strength is attractive, so let them go without begging, & watch em come back!"

I fully buy into that theory, BUT when applying to people who are not disordered. Does it still hold any water with BPD or will that advice further the gap between us?

[Lao Tzu]

Hi Cozmo,

    The official welcoming folks will be here soon, but let me be the first to say that I'm glad you're here.  People here will respect your decision, in fact there is a whole board devoted to folks who want to stay in their relationship.  I will say that your statement "try to get her into theripy" is a bit troubling though.  Success in therapy always depends tremendously on the desire of the mentally ill person to get better.  I get that you want to save her, but it isn't like getting someone to the doctor for an operation or something.  She not only has to want it but she has to want it continuously for the many years this generally takes, so it has to come from within her and it has to be a very deep conviction on her part. One person really can't get another to have a deep conviction, especually in a disorder like this one.  :)on't set yourself up for more disappointment; you're going to have a tough enough 'row to hoe' anyway.  We're all here for you.

LT

[Lao Tzu]

Hey, I see you posted a question, so let me try to answer while I'm here.  In my own relationship  with a person with BPD, I completely took 'the high road' of never even asking her not to go or contacting her again to try to re-establish something.  This worked pretty well, I guess, in that I never heard from her again for 30 years.  I think the expression is that you should let them go and if they don't return you never really 'had' them, anyway.  The never really had them part is, unfortunately, precisely the issue with folks with BPD, despite how things seem.  It's still good advice though as one needs to preserve what dignity remains in us.

LT

[cozmo]

Lao Tzu,

Thanks for the reply. Yes I read back & see what you mean about how i made it sound. What I'm trying to say is that she hinted at times odd things that didn't make much sense or seem important at the time. Having read about BPD since we split I now see how very relivent these brief moments of opening up to me were. I understand how incredibly hard it must have been for her & how vulnerable she must have felt when she did it.

I suspect that her fear of abandonment made it very hard for her to tell me the full story, for fear of me running for the hills. I don't want to push her into therapy, I want to let her know that her having troubles & issues is not going to send me running, and that I'll be supportive & continue to educate myself on how we deal with her illness as a couple. If that includes me getting professional help to deal with my side of the relationship that's fine also. I guess it's a double edge sword for a BPD? They want to get better but can't tell you they're ill in case you leave!

But at the moment I'm all black & mentioning nay of this would just come across like I'm putting all the blame on her & labeling her a nut job!

So, I is stuck!  

[Lao Tzu]

Good for you, man.  This is very tough, to say the least.  The line from Shakespeare "to thine ownself be true" applies here.  Take care of yourself first as it's the best way to take care of anyone else.  Maybe the modern equivalent is what they say on the airline "Put the oxygen mask on yourself and then children or others who need help"  Good luck.

By the way, yes I think it's always a double-edged sword for them, hence the so-called push/pull dynamic that we generally see.  Anything they do to bring us closer quickly makes thems need, strongly, to pull away.  It's the nature of the disorder, really.

LT 

[sangria15]

Hi Cosmo, I know how you feel. Especially how hard it is for others to understand the decision to not throw in the towel. It is hard to take the high road when they are being so cruel and realizing that it is the disorder speaking does help me to take a deep breath and not react.

[cozmo]

So many tough decisions. Her son started school today & I would love to send a message saying that I hope he had a great 1st day at school & enjoyed it? I miss her sons & sincerely would like to know how he got on. But then again, it's none of my business anymore!

But her being with new guy & me being all black, is that going to make me look like I hijacking her sons 1st day to open a conversation?

Best to wait for her to make contact?

Will her & new guy go wrong quickly?

It's all a head f**k!

A friend told me to just back away, get on with other things & wait! He assured me that because she's always reconnected in the past, she'll do so again. He reckoned that I just got to give her some space & wait for the new guy to fall from grace & then I won't be so black?

I don't know where his seemingly good understanding of all this comes from, he won't say. But her does seem to get what I'm dealing with!

Backing away & doing nothing seems so dangerous though. Friend also told me that leaving her alone will prevent me from remaining black & continued contact might on the other hand keep me black longer?