Kicking your UBPD out of your house

[Enoughforme]

New here but love reading all the stories because they make me feel not so alone in my craziness! I think I have always known that my mother was a little off. Fits of rage, breaking items when angry, always telling me how much she has done for me. I guess I just thought it was her personality. My husband & I purchased a duplex that we had my parents move into with us 10 years ago. We have 2 children ages 6-9. I could write a million stories of things that have happened, things said, but I feel that you have all been there. Finally in December I seek out help from a professional. She is the one who suggested reading “Walking in Eggshells" and gave me the term BPD. My mother fits into all the descriptions. She is on the out with her whole family (my dad, myself and kids are the only ones she talks to), she has started arguments with the neighbors, and she refuses to speak to my husband and says very negative things about him. I guess I just went with the flow but it really started to effective my children and my husband (that he is ready to leave because of her not me) finally a few weeks ago this is what happened: She

1. Call the mother of my child friend to complain about me

2. Call an old friend from elementary school to complain about me (I am 43 that person does not even know me anymore)

3 Yelled at a mother who dropped her son off here

4 yelled at my babysitter of not crossing the street properly with my children, when I got home I calming told her she over stepped the line. That I was the one who should handle my babysitters. She came barging into my house to yell at my kids and I yelled at her to get out and pushed her away. She fake fell to the floor. I screamed for my dad to help. After she left :

5 called the cops -911 call - my dad left the house before they arrived.

When the cops arrived - they spoke to both of us - in the past 5 year the police have been called to our house 16 times this does not include ambulance and fire trucks ( yep I am that house) The police offer suggested I get rid of the problem.

The next day she told me I broke 2 bones in her hips as she carried away a heavy  bench I had in my hallway. Then she posted on her Facebook page how I beat her bloody and has the police report to prove it. I am not her FB friend I got this message from my 13 cousin. When I can home from work my pool was slashed by a knife.

At that point I knew I could not live this way anymore. Not just for me but my children too. What are they learning in all of this?  First I was in fear for my life and that of my kids. Who knows when that rage will turn violent? I called a lawyer to evict her and father.  I left the day she received in the mail. Of course 911 were called because she was having a heart attack. Yep she was home later.

I am angry and hurt beyond words. I have not let the kids see her since all this has happened. Now she needs some tests of her heart and does not know if she will need surgery or whatnot but stay she will get a lawyer and fight me on the eviction.  Of course if I let her talk to me it is all guilt. Second turn of events: She wanted to talk to me because she was scared of this upcoming test on the 9th. As soon as she saw me she started telling me her funeral arrangements.  After that she what to tell me a big secret she had been hiding for years. The man that has been my father for 43 years is not my biological father. This is new to me…. I have not been able to talk to my dad about it since he is an enabler. I just ended the conversation. I do not know whether to believe her or not but at this point I do not really care. Later I knocked on her door to ask her for her keys so that I could move her car and she answered in a weird voice. Saying “are you going to hit me? “ WHAT? I said no please give me your keys. I moved the cars and put the keys on a peg outside with mine and husbands. As I was outside she took all the keys. When I knocked at her door again she would not answer. She called my phone at 7 pm and her excuse was that she took a pill and went to sleep that is why she could not hear me. Crying that she did not mean to take the keys. Make a big deal out of the whole thing.

I feel like I am in a prison in my own home. We cannot even be in our yard without the fear of her starting something out the windows, ruining property, I hate to ask the kids friends to come over in fear of what she may say to them.  And this is just a crazy 2 week period in time that does not stop…

I want to feel sorry for my poor dad but that has passed too. He has left me when she has called the cops, he has asked me to please just talk to her and don’t answer back,  he has let me take the heat so that he does not have too, he has let her get away with this behavior just as much as I have  but now I want out.

Now she wants to see a shrink with me so we can fi x all of this. She says that they do not have the money to move out that they would need to skip a few months’ rent to afford that.  I have been called evil, ungrateful. Her threats are she will:

Call the IRS on me call

Child protective service

Call the humane society (because not taking care of cats)

Would call my boss- but does not know where I work

Would call my husband’s boss- but again does know where he works.

Call the cops on me

I have caught her in soo many lies it is crazy. I feel like I am going crazy.

I guess I am hoping that if she leaves things will start to be normal again. I am waiting until the sept 30th which I know that they will not be moved out by and then a court date. I do not know if she could win the case or not since I am the owner of the home. It is a month to month lease. My husband and I do have a plan B which I would hate to have to do. But if for some reason we cannot get her out we will be going AOL on our house and letting the bank have it back.

The real kicked she thinks just because we (her & I are having problem) as she calls them that I should not take it out on the kids. And I should let them see her!  Crazy crazy crazy !

So what are words of advice- anyone go through the same things. Specially kicking your parent out. New twist huh?

Sorry so long - just need to get it out

[nomom4me]

Can't say I am going through the same thing, but my mom is that person - constantly calling the authorities.  You have an attorney and it sounds like you have a record of her behavior, did the attorney give you a timeline?

[Enoughforme]

I really wish more people would comment on this. When does one say Enough I need space and time away to regroup and think if I really want a relationship with you? And the relationship has to be on my terms and within my boundaries?

[DaughterofDD]

I really wish more people would comment on this. When does one say Enough I need space and time away to regroup and think if I really want a relationship with you? And the relationship has to be on my terms and within my boundaries?

That's very difficult to answer and somewhat fluid for me.  I've been NC/VLC with my UBPDm for almost 2 yrs now.  It's been really nice... .

We've had a very difficult time since my dad died abt 4-1/2 yrs ago.  It's so complicated, and I'm not sure I could sum it up succinctly... .  Many legal issues, many fights, so much unnecessary drama, family splitting, and on and on and on and on!

From my perspective, there is no easy way out of your situation.  You could certainly let her know that you need a break (whatever that means to you), and GO!  Cut ties the best you can, split ways as easily as possible, and just take time for yourself to heal and work through what you need.  It feels GREAT.

I'm actually looking at reconnecting on my terms with my uBPDm, and it scares me to death.  I know that she is incapable of being any kind of mother to me, and I'm not sure what kind of relationship (if any) that we will be able to have at this point. 

I do know that I have healed and changed from being separated from her, and it has been so good for me (and ultimately my immediate family). 

I wish you the best of luck.  You do not have any easy situation, and I give you whatever support that I'm able to offer you at this point. 

[MammaMia]

Enoughforme

Has your mother been evaluated for physical and/or mental illness?  She could be uBPD, have dementia, or other medical issues like a drinking problem or abuse of prescription drugs. Her behavior is definitely not normal.  How is your father's health?  Is he able to deal with his wife?  You said he was an enabler, but that does not mean he is happy or accepting of what is going on.  He may need help if she is as abusive to him as she is to everyone else.

It sounds as if a mental health evaluation would be a good start.  If she refuses,

would you be able to suggest the living arrangement is not working out, and she needs to get help or live elsewhere?  Are your parents able to care for themselves?  If not, an assisted living situation might also be something to consider.  Perhaps a social worker or medical professional could be helpful.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but it has gone way beyond family discord.   This is an especially difficult place for you to be, but it is very unhealthy for everyone involved.  I doubt the situation will improve without an intervention of some sort. Do you have siblings that could help?

[Enoughforme]

Me again things have NOT gotten any better. My mother has never been evaluated for mental illness. How in the heck do you get them there to get evaluated then the repercussion of that action could be horrible. Who knows what behavior I would get from her and they can only keep people for 48 hours. I could write a lot about the crazy that happened these past few weeks and in a way it makes me feel better when people say "yep, that has happened to me too". You are never going to believe this one ! Monday I was that house once again -911 call - ambulance service- she fell and could not get up. I did not go see my dad told me. She was whisked away once again- impeccable timing since Oct 1st is coming up and I will get a court date for farther to eviction process. She broke her hip.Yep broke a bone. Funny thing is no one else in the family believes her BUT she has been gone for 3 days. I have refused to go see her or take the kids up there to see her. I asked my father to let her know at this point I want NO CONTACT but of course she called to let me know that her surgery went fine via VM since I do not answer my phone. She thinks a judge would NEVER kick her out of the house if she had medical issues. Could she have done this on purpose ? I do not know what a judge will do but really ! Could it get any worse -- could it ?

[Bonus mom]

Hi Enough,

I'm very sorry to read all that you are going through right now. I can hear the pain and frustration in all that you write.

I too have been very limited contact with my mother, particularly in the last year.  It took me 12 years to separate to this point, and I do regret that it took me so long.

I know how very hard this can be when you're caught right in the middle of it, but if I could offer you anything, it would be my whole hearted support to take yourself out of that situation completely.  So long as your mother can call you or talk to you, she will try to use guilt to get you to let her stay.

Can you use the legal system to legally evict her? Or can you and your family put the house up for sale?  Could you and your husband move away, and not give her any contact information until you're ready?  Maybe never give her contact information? 

Ultimately, please remember that you deserve to be healthy and happy.  No one is entitled to abuse you.  You have every right to remove yourself from an abusive relationship.

I am very sorry that you're having to deal with this now. I do hope that you can find some peace.

[stymied]

oh, enough, i am sorry to hear of the challenges you are facing.  there are a lot of wise people on this board and i hope you are able to find solutions to this really difficult situation with your mother. 

i feel like this is the ultimate in advice for all of us.  words to live by for anyone struggling with a BPD family member.

Ultimately, please remember that you deserve to be healthy and happy.  No one is entitled to abuse you.  You have every right to remove yourself from an abusive relationship.