My mom has BPD and Bipolar with Schizophrenia Paranoia

[femaleopard]

Hello all. Right now as I type this I am nearly in tears and have a knot in my stomach. I'm 28 years old. I have a 48 year old mother with BPD, Bipolar and what seems to be paranoia... . extreme case of it.  I have lived through seeing her attempt suicides several times, and almost succeeding.  I have fought a gun from her hands (not loaded but I didn't know that) at the tender age of 19.  I have saved her countless times.  I have been her caretaker with pills off and on over the years.  She has been in treatment many times, to only go back to her old habits.  She has addiction issues.  She has abused so many different pills its crazy.  She currently abuses allergy pills... . she takes them for the high.

Last week she stole money from my father (it has happened SO many times) to get tylenol with codeine (her doctor prescribes it to her for her fibro and arthritis every now and then.) She took 30 pills in a matter of a few days.  She can take a whole bottle of allergy pills (100 count) in just a matter of a few days.  She is sneaky, she hides them and they are hard to find.  She has hidden pills under the carpet in the bathroom.  She has caused my father to go into bankruptcy and only a few months after caused him bills again due to ER ambulances. 

Just yesterday her and I were getting along, and I told her I liked her this way, without pills... . without abusing pills.  I said it gently, and we got along that whole day, but when I said that to her, an hour later she was high... . she was so high she stumbled onto the floor and slurred her speech and she pulls sentences out of her ass it seems like... . she is paranoid beyond belief and thinks people poison her including my boyfriend and I.  I was living out of state with my boyfriend recently, and when he lost his job due to budget cuts, she begged us to move into her and my dad's house... . she promised everything would be fine, and since we had no money saved up and nowhere to go, we came back here to stay and have been ever since.  We pay my father rent and are saving to buy a house.  My boyfriend has since found a job about 5 months ago and he isn't around to see most of what goes on, but when he IS home my mom will pull him into this crap.  She accuses him of putting spiders in her hair such as tarantulas.  Ever since she had a bad dye job to her hair, she thinks someone did something to it.  It is fine and thin and extremely damaged but yet she won't accept that the dye did it.  She started taking Paxil about a year ago, and ever since, thats when the paranoia started, but yet she won't admit that and won't believe its that med causing it.  She also was taking Lithium for many years and it helped her tremendously but she had to stop taking it due to build up in her blood.  So last year we found Lithium Orotate online at Amazon.com and it helps her soo much.  But it makes her lightheaded and dizzy and she hated that so she wouldn't always take it.  Sometimes the supplier that sends the Lithium Orotate has loose bottle protection and so she thinks it was poisoned or not the real medicine... . some days she thought the med was truly helping her, other times not so much.  She victimizes everyone in this family... . she used to do it to my brother's ex as well, whom he was with for almost 5 years.  She causes problems left and right between all of us and will later apologize.  My dad is such a great man for sticking with her all these years when she has caused him to go bankrupt and steal and cheated on him a few times as well.  He used to have insurance but can't afford it anymore.  One time the court ordered her to seek treatment in another city, and she stayed there for a month and then went to a group home for 9 months.  The state had agreed to pay for all of it, but once out of the blue, they attacked him and made him pay for it.  $20k bill just for a month at a psychiatric hospital! Insane!

Is there ANY way that the state will pay for her treatment if she is married?  She has been denied Disability 3 or 4 times... . apparently she hasn't had a solid enough of a work history so she can't get it and my dad "makes too much money" for her to get it.  He's self-employed and hardly makes enough.

Yesterday she took 25 allergy pills and the cops came along with the paramedics. They took her to the local hospital here, and contacted Human Services. Human Services decided it'd be best if she go back to that same Psychiatric Hospital she was at 6 or so years ago.  Tomorrow or the next day she has Court... . they will decide what happens next.

I am so scared to lose my mother.  I'm so scared she will commit suicide. I want her to see my brother and I get married to our boyfriend/girlfriend and have kids... . she LOOVES babies... . she is a good person with babies.

I have no hope.  All these years I had hope... . I thought she'd get better.  The police were here five times within the past 2 weeks.  One time last week I gave her her Risperdal (she was prescribed it just a few weeks ago) and five minutes later, she accused me of not giving it to her, and caleld the police.  Well, my father found it on the front porch... . I don't know if she dropped it there on purpose or on accident, but after the police left, they had to come back AGAIn because she accused me of being the one to drop the pill outside... .

We don't know what to do or how to cope. We act as lovingly as we can, and she turns on all of us. No medication helps her. She used to abuse Melatonin too for crying out loud. She goes through alcohol binges at least once a year.  She tries to commit suicide at least once a year. About 9 months ago she FAKED two suicides within 2 weeks! Yes, faked! The authorities let us know that there were no pills in her system, just alcohol.  She lied.

Right now as I type this I have a headache starting. To make matters worse, her mother thinks that there is always something that "sets her off" to cause these problems.  She thinks its our fault.  When I called her up to tell her what happened, she asked if anyone went to the hospital with her. I told her no, and before I Could tell her why, she said "What a wonderful family she has there... . " sarcastic like. When I tried telling her it was because we all had to write statements, she accused me of yelling at her. I wasn't yelling at all. My grandmother is frankly part of the problem. When my mom was growing up with her, she favored my mom's brother over her left and right. Bought him new clothes. Gave my mom hand-me-downs. Paid for college for my uncle. Wouldn't pay for my mom to go. Discriminated against all my mom's friends. Let my uncle hang out with whomever. Ridiculed her left and right, and abused her verbally. She is also a paranoid person and I think that's where my mom gets it.

My mom was diagnosed with BiPolar as well, but I really don't think its Bipolar. I think its all BPD. She was only ever diagnosed with BPD once. She has seen so many different doctors over the years, either due to them leaving out of state, or my mom canceling too many appointments, or the doc refusing to see her any longer since she kept screwing up and not following orders from the doc. She was supposed to see a new psychiatrist this past week, but she canceled it.

IS there anyway we can get her intreatment help (at least 9 months to a year?) to help her stop her addictions and help her get treated right... . without my dad having to pay for it? I'm desperate for help here... .

I really wish I could go back to the age of 15 and 16 where my mom and I were super close, before her BPD got worse. Once she was even diagnosed with Schizophrenia, but overtime we found out it wasn't that at all.

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow, you must be so tired and worn out from all of this! I'm so glad you found bpdfamily--it's full of information that can help you understand what you're dealing with, and teach you better ways to deal with it that help you communicate and take care of yourself.   So, 

I've noticed that paranoia thing at times with my husband who is undiagnosed but has BPD traits, and i had at times wondered if he was bipolar as well, with the wide swings in emotion. Your mom did at one time get the diagnosis though of BPD?

i just wanted to say hi and welcome really quick, and then i'm going to go find some links to material you'll find interesting and hopefully helpful!

df99

[femaleopard]

Thank you... . it means so much to hear a response so fast. My mom did get diagnosed once, yes. I am very worn out from all of it. I'm afraid of premature aging, ... .

I have my own mental health problems... . I suffer from social anxiety and regular anxiety. My boyfriend is very loving in all of it and very supportive. I have been with him for 3 years. I have a slight case of OCD and used to suffer from depression. I have fibromyalgia as well. I am on Disability. Recently I came off of all prescription drugs after being on them for almost 15 years. I am doing pretty dang good.

[femaleopard]

Dreamflyer, I'm sorry your husband has it and is undiagnosed. Any way that he can see a doc?

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow! Fibro and no drugs! That IS good. i also have fibromyalgia and am on disability, weirdly! i'm still a fan of some drugs, but i'm down to so much less than i was at one point.

The fibro just means you need to be so much more mindful of your own health, since stress is gonna affect it big time, at least it does me. Your mom sounds pretty dysregulated and all over the place, so that must be very hard. My husband doesn't seem to have all the extreme-ness of the traits, he has had them in a more extreme way when his medications had been messed up or being changed, so fortunately not as frequent of issues as your mom. The thing is, the person with BPD has to recognize they are causing problems and having issues and then WANT to make a change, we can't really tell them to do that because they see reality differently than us anyway, through the lens of someone with a very poor sense of their own self or individuality, and a huge fear of abandonment. Unfortunately. 

i really like this video, it had a lot of AHAH! moments in it for me: Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

i haven't read this info entirely, but it looks quite good. My mom was a person with BPD and NPD traits, and i know how it can cause us problems: BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

This one helped me start learning more effective ways of communicating with my husband: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and i'm thinking it could be a good introduction for you to see one of the tools on the site here. (there are more!)

Let me know what you think of these when you have a chance to go through them, okay? The folks here at BPD family includes others who have been in similar situations and who have insight that can help you learn how to help yourself work on the r/s with your mom. It's given me some hope as I've seen things i can change in myself that then can have an impact on the r/s with my husband.

i'm glad you're here.

[GreenMango]

  femaleopard... . great name BTW.

just wanted to drop in and say hi.  Dreamflyer99 gave some great links that will help you get your bearings.

I've found a lot of those tools to help communicaing with my father.  They do take some practice though.  It gets easier.

This stuff is really chaotic.  My father is bipolar and has had his bouts of suicidal thoughts/bizarre actions.  He also has his great moments.  It's not easy especially when you love and care about someone so much.

I just wanted to add a link to our workshop on how to deal with this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

How's your support system around you? Friends and family?

GM

[femaleopard]

Yes the fibro gets worse from stress for me too. Ever since stopping Effexor xr the fibro got worse for me. Apparently it helped my pain. I took it for 8 yes but the side effects are not worth the benefits. It gave me insulin resistance... . ADD and bad short term memory loss. It was terrible. Sorry to hear you have fibro as well and need Disability. It sucks telling people sometimes because they don't understand you know? I'm glad I found you and this site... . I will look at these things and get back to you. Glad you've found some help too. What is an ambassador at this site? What is r/s? Thank you for having me. Nice to meet you.

[femaleopard]

Hello Green mango. Thank you. My support system is good. I have a few close friends who don't understand but are supportive. A neighbor next door who I just recently reached out to who had a mom who committed suicide just last December and had similar issues... . boyfriend is very supportive

[DreamFlyer99]

i'm glad you have SOME support, that's so important and helpful. At first it scared me when I was validated by a friend and by my T (therapist) cuz I thought "holy crap this is real!" But then I was glad to realize I wasn't as crazy as I felt in dealing with it and trying to understand what was going on.

That's too bad about the Effexor and the side effects.   I take Cymbalta and that's been helpful, but it gives me a terrible dry mouth. Are you able to be physically active? That seems to help me the most, although it's a battle!

r/s means relationship--sorry about that, I usually try to do what I did above there with T for new peeps on here cuz I remember how baffled I was by all the abbreviations.

A lot of what we have to learn about dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is to learn to separate what we are responsible for and what we aren't, and the fibromyalgia makes that all the more important. The impact on our health of taking on the drama of the pwBPD (and other nonBPD people too) is a lot of what I believe caused my fibro. I was so swept up into the to and fro and ups and downs of my H, that I didn't take proper care of my own self, and eventually my body said "enough! I will MAKE you chillax!"

i'm glad you found us too, I know I've felt more peaceful about this learning journey with the extra support of bpdfamily and all the tools and people here. It's a process, one I lovingly call a "road trip" since that sounds more adventurous. But i'm learning how to not be an emotional/drama sponge, and that's so much healthier for my body and mind.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep learning--that's what I'm working on!

[waverider]

Sorry to hear you going through this, it is very hard caring for someone like this who seems to be on such a self destructive path, and is so lost in the fog of their own destructiveness they they simply can't even imagine what a worthwhile life is.

My partner has had a life time of self destructive behavior much like this, misdiagnosed with many things before finally settling on BPD. Endlessly finding comfort in addictions to all kinds of behavior. Most destructively in medications and alcohol, but even little everyday obsessions making her life totally dysfunctional.

Unfortunately you cannot fix her life for her, all you can do is make sure your own is as sound as it can be so that you can be supportive. Is she likely to eventually do something serious to either end her life or cause serious harm? Who knows but you can't stop that.

All you can do is what you can to take the pressure off yourself as much as you can, this in turn takes some of the pressure off your mum. All the diagnosis and treatment in the world will not make any difference until she is ready, deep within herself, and she may never be.

The endless cycle of addictions, meds, side effects and more must have meds to deal with side effects, more imaginary ailments can have them, you, and everyone around them going round in circles to get answers which simply wont come.

It is very hard to step off that roundabout and get on with the business of having a life and that is the best thing you can do for everyone. You will not find a cure here, but you will discover that there is much to be gained by regaining direction in your life without the distractions of everyday traumas trapping you on the same old treadmill.

You can be happy in dysfunctionality without fixing it.

[Phoenix.Rising]

femaleopard,   



You have been going through some difficult times.  My mother and sister both have problems with pills, and my sister abuses alcohol and other drugs, too.  I believe my mom has BPD, and my sister shows some signs of it.  I have been recovering from alcohol and drug abuse for over 2 decades now, so you can take care of yourself despite the chaos your family is going through.  I know it's hard, and it's tricky learning to detach.  But it can be done, and you can detach with love.  You've been given some good information to get started, and I would second another person's suggestion about seeing a therapist if you can.  There are a lot of great people on here.  Hang in there!