Outside perspective - watching someone else invalidate my SO

[connect]

Hi guys,

Had a learning experience last night. My bf had spent some time with his mother yesterday who is a trigger for him.

When I arrived he was already tense dealing with a delivery that hadnt turned up, an over excited child and his mother. Something then happened with his child that upset him. His mother at this point tried to help him by giving him advice - advice which contradicted the way he felt and invalidated his feelings. I watched as she did lots of things which I could see were making him worse. She ignored the underlying feelings and went for facts and logic to try to make him feel better. It was interesting to see this pan out from an outside perspective. Of course I wanted her to just stop but couldnt interfere! As the conversation went on he became very agitated and started heading towards rage territory.

When she left I went straight in with validation of his feelings and he calmed down. Briefly spiked again (he was wound up) and at this point he asked me to give him an hour alone so he could calm down himself - he said he was hypersensitive. I did my own thing and all was fine after that - phew! We also had a few chats about the child issue, hypersensitivity, feelings, triggers and black & white thinking.

Very strange to watch someone else close to him dealing with this - made the importance of validation really stand out for me  - esp when I wasnt personally involved/affected by the conversation so could take an objective viewpoint.

Have any of you guys watched someone else with your pwBPD in this way?

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[Seppe]

Connect:  it must have been interesting to see that from the outside looking in.  Good for you being able to see it and handle it appropriately.

I had a similar experience last week.  I actually called my s/o's mother for help in the midst of a late night rage.  As she spoke, I found myself being able to anticipate the response it would get.  Some good, some bad, but 99% predictable. 

[briefcase]

I've seen it play out many times with my wife and her family, friends, and even strangers (and yes, even me sometimes   ).

As we get practice with validation, it starts to really stand out.  Not much you can do when it's someone else, just get out of the way of the train that you're watching wreck.   

[opheliasmom]

This situation is frustrating for me and my 20 year old wBPD. Every time my mother speaks to her I spend considerable time trying to clean up the mess.  My mother invalidates everyone but most people are not as sensitive as my daughter.  What I have found is that I am guilty of many of the same invalidating behaviors as my mother.  Watching these interactions makes it easy to see what I need to work on.

[shamrock]

Connect; Interesting to sit back & watch,

I think you have 2 no 3 options, depending where your bf is & how you get along with his mother.

If you get along with his mother you could meet her for coffee & explain about BPD & validation, even have her contact NEA-BPD. Failing that, talk to bf alone & tell him that you understand the situation, his & his mothers, & will support him & help him "come back down"

Third option, which is always there, do nothing.