Wife tried to commit suicide. How can you tell when they are hurting?

[confusedhubby]

Does anyone know the signs to look for when a pwBPD begins to hurt from there disorder? What do you look for? How does it manifest itself? Does the pwBPD begin to crash or is it a depressive state? Does it have extreme ups and downs (like bipolar) or is it more of a steady decline. I guess what I am trying to say is how can a non tell from a distance if the pwBPD is suffering the destructive effects of there disorder?

The reason I ask is because I saw my diagnose BPD wife the other day and one of her wrists was bandaged. When I asked what happened she said she had had a "major injury". She claimed that she had locked herself out of the house and that when she had tried to break in her hand went through the glass door and that she had cut herself. The cut itself looked very deep and looked to be self inflicted. She said that she had not gone to the hospital (only the pharmacy followed by a doctors visit). After a bit of questioning however it became obvious that she was being evasive and not telling the truth. My wife has a past history of trying to commit suicide by slashing her wrist.

FYI My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She has a serious alcoholism problem and has lost custody of both of our children D7 & D8. In the last 12 months she has been detaching but I have been trying my best to make things work. For the last 12 weeks she has been partying and having a gay old time. Serial dating, binge drinking,very promiscuous etc. About 8 weeks ago she told me that she was leaving so that she could find herself so one day she could be there for the children one day in the future. Then she met someone and told me she was madly in love after only 3 weeks of knowing him and he moved in. We file for divorce. Because of her destructive behavior and continued drinking kids and I have gone LC. Then she comes by to drop something off for the kids and I see her slashed wrist.

[TigerEye]

In my case, I don't believe there was any real sign that she was about to cut her wrist, just another night of swinging moods and dysregulation. I went upstairs to check on her D11, heard my name screamed from downstairs and came down to find her with her wrist in a towel. Ambulance had to be called and off to hospital she went. She was very luck and missed doing major damage by a whisker.

Later found out that there were things going on that she hadn't told me the whole truth about, I think that was the trigger, when she couldn't cope with what she had done behind my back.

[TigerEye]

There were signs when she was reaching a point where she might self harm (she is a regular harmer  ignored), these were traumatic but not as serious as the account above. My ex had tattoos and her talking about getting a new one was a sign that she was getting close. She said that getting a tattoo was the safe option to release the pain.

[Want2know]

That's got to be tough to see.

Some people give off warning signs, and some don't.  Here is a link to our general Suicide Ideation protocol, that gives some additional information:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

From the NIMH on warning signs, along with a number to call if you want to speak with someone about her situation directly:

www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-studies/warning-signs-of-suicide.shtml

Hope this helps. 

[Reg]

Hi confusedhubbyofBPDw,

I think this is something interesting for you on this matter :

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Unfortunately it is very difficult to see signs that can lead to an emergency in a number of cases.  Sorry to hear what you and the children are confronted with.  Is must be hard !  I've been in similar situations with my ex partner.

Do you have support in your situation from family and friends ?

Reg

[Reg]

I see Want2know also reacted, thanks ! 

[confusedhubby]

Hi everyone and thanks for sharing.

I think I was not clear in my original post. What I meant to ask is that aside from a suicide attempt what other signs do people with BPD show that indicative of them hurting or feeling the los of there abandonment fears / issues.

of stated another way, how does people with BPD manifest the hurt they feel? Is it mainly through addictive behavior? Depression? Anxiety? etc.

The funny thing when I saw my wife with her wrist slashed she looked like she was having a great day and did not have a bother in the world. Don't know if this was an act or it was her just being bipolar... . or whether she really felt wonderful?

[Want2know]

of stated another way, how does people with BPD manifest the hurt they feel? Is it mainly through addictive behavior? Depression? Anxiety? etc.

Ah... . well, we have info for that, too.  

Most people who have borderline personality disorder suffer from:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts

• Impulsive and reckless behavior

• Unstable relationships with other people.

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.*

So, the behaviors you mention are varied depending upon the person and the circumstance.

The funny thing when I saw my wife with her wrist slashed she looked like she was having a great day and did not have a bother in the world. Don't know if this was an act or it was her just being bipolar... . or whether she really felt wonderful?

She may have been feeling fine, at that moment, or was hyper aware of not letting you see her hurt, as she may have been trying to avoid any conversation about her wrists.  Hard to say.

*From: www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

[Reg]

Hi,

I think I can only confirm what Want2Know already said.

It may be an act.  The borderline denial of what she did, not to trigger shame or guilt feelings.

I wish I had a simple answer to your question, but unfortunately there is no such thing.

I think depression is a part of the borderline, at least it is how it came over to me in my past relationship.

If you go to this link, and scroll down to lesson 4 you will find a lot of information on what BPD is :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266

Although a lot of BPD behavior is similar, there are so many differences in parts of the features that make it hard to say what is indicative due to this reason.  As mentioned by Want2Know... .

How do they manifest the hurt they feel ? I can give a few examples from what I've experienced myself, and did read on the matter.

It can be by physical agression, destroying things, verbal agression, cutting or hurting themselves, extreme speeding, substance abuse,... .

Many BPD's are cutting themselves, mine had a different way, by hitting cars, walls, doors, windows with her fists, arms, feet... .  Mostly when drunk.  When sober she could start crying and didn't even know herself why.  Or become physically abusive at the end of the relationship.

Have you seen any similarities on any of these matters ?

Reg

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Confusedhubby, That's a tough one, because my uBPDexW threatened suicide so many times (about 15 times over the last four years) that it became just one of many indications that she was in pain (usually when drunk).  She also engaged in many of the behaviors Reg cites, such as punching a hole in the wall, breaking down a door, smashing personal items, etc., to the point that there were so many  yet no relief in sight.  After the initial suicide threats, I called my Ex's T and even went to the psych unit at the local hospital on two occasions in search of help, but it all boiled down to my Ex's need for therapy, which was ineffective because she changed her T on a regular basis, so no T could make any real progress before getting dumped, and then we were back to square one and the pattern would resume all over again.  Not fun, believe me!

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[confusedhubby]

Thanks Reg & Jim.

I was wondering if being very promiscuous is one of the signs that they are hurting? Especially if they are engaging in heavy BDSM type stuff? Any insights would be appreciated.

[Reg]

Having many relations has to do with their fear of abandonment.  As soon as they are convinced that they are to be left, even for the most unreal reason, they are often looking for a replacement.

A statement I've heard several times from known or diagnosed borderlines is that they can not stand to be alone in their life.  So they cheat on you because they are convinced you will leave them... .

BDSM is another situation.  Remember the very low self esteem, loss of identity, also the loss of the sexual identity is possible.  My ex partner became lesbian - but also confessed that she was sick of seeing lesbians in a lesbian cafe and had to leave the place within 3/4 to 1 hour, and almost had to vomit of disgust... .

BDSM can have to do with the fact that they think they are not worthy and should be punished for that in this case... .

Just another fact showing that they have no idea at all in some cases who they are.

Reg

[Reg]

Lucky Jim

My ex partner also got rid of two therapists.  One because she was convinced he was in love with her, and the second one, because it was to expensive.

I suspect that at that moment both of them already had suspicion of the BPD... .

[Learning_curve74]

I was wondering if being very promiscuous is one of the signs that they are hurting? Especially if they are engaging in heavy BDSM type stuff? Any insights would be appreciated.

Being promiscuous can also be a coping strategy and self-soothing. To be desired and have sex feels great and that shot of exhiliration can block out all the bad feelings.

BDSM can be important, reconfirming their feelings of worthlessness, needing to be degraded and/or controlled which confirms their self image. To have a self image, no matter how awful, is still better than negation, being nothing. Also, for some people, pain is preferable to the numbness of feeling emptiness and nothing. Pain at least reminds them they are alive.

[Lucky Jim]

for some people, pain is preferable to the numbness of feeling emptiness and nothing. Pain at least reminds them they are alive.

Have to agree with you there, learning curve, as pain seems to meet some strange emotional need of a pwBPD.  In fact, they will keep doing dangerous or painful activities to the point of hurting themselves, because it seems to bring some type of relief.  It seems counter-intuitive, because most people try to avoid pain, yet not so for a pwBPD.

Lucky Jim

[seeking balance]

I was wondering if being very promiscuous is one of the signs that they are hurting? Especially if they are engaging in heavy BDSM type stuff? Any insights would be appreciated.

Yes, article 2 discusses criteria and symptoms.

A very simplistic way to look at behavior that may be harmful is this: pwBPD tend to use maladaptive coping for emotional turmoil.

I am sure you are stressed watching this behavior, but right now - you cannot fix it.   Others in this thread gave you the suicide protocol, but otherwise - your stbxw is free to live her life.

Your responsibility is to protecting you and your children from the destructive behavior she may be displaying. 

How are you and your kids doing emotionally watching this behavior?

[confusedhubby]

Thanks for the inputs everyone.They are much appreciated

So far the kids and I are doing good. The kids are no longer allowed to interact with there mom as her behavior is just too much to take. So basically they are shielded. But they certainly do miss her...

As for myself, it is hard to watch and hear from others what is going on. We have been LC for a couple of weeks with bouts of NC. However we live in a small town so this does not mean that I do not get to hear what's going on.  Today she visited my Mom's store to drop something off. The whole time she was there all she could talk about was how much she was in love with the new boyfriend whom she has only know for about 5-6 weeks. How wonderful he is. How beautiful she feels etc. This from a woman who just last week tried to slash her wrists!

In some ways it is becoming apparent that she is very deeply into the this idealization stage. The funny thing is that with me she was never so enamored. I strongly believe that her recent BPD tendencies have become much more acute/ pronounced -- unlike anything in her past. I am uncertain whether this is because of her heavy drinking, use of new recreational drugs, age or some other factors I am unaware of. I may be wrong but I think that given her euphoric high she is bound to have an equally meteoric fall. But I cannot o anything about it but watch and hope that for the sake of her kids and I she will be able to overcome her psychiatric illness.

[seeking balance]

Thanks for the inputs everyone.They are much appreciated

So far the kids and I are doing good. The kids are no longer allowed to interact with there mom as her behavior is just too much to take. So basically they are shielded. But they certainly do miss her...

I am sure they do - as you can kindly, remind them there mother's behavior is not because of them... . they can not hear that enough.

As for myself, it is hard to watch and hear from others what is going on. We have been LC for a couple of weeks with bouts of NC. However we live in a small town so this does not mean that I do not get to hear what's going on.  Today she visited my Mom's store to drop something off. The whole time she was there all she could talk about was how much she was in love with the new boyfriend whom she has only know for about 5-6 weeks. How wonderful he is. How beautiful she feels etc. This from a woman who just last week tried to slash her wrists!

LC is the only way to parent - but boundaries will help.

How did you find out all that stuff she was talking about?  That must hurt to hear.

I am uncertain whether this is because of her heavy drinking, use of new recreational drugs, age or some other factors I am unaware of. I may be wrong but I think that given her euphoric high she is bound to have an equally meteoric fall. But I cannot o anything about it but watch and hope that for the sake of her kids and I she will be able to overcome her psychiatric illness.

Everyone has a different bottom and some folks don't hit it.  I say this not to be unkind, just to remind you that you can only control you and not her.  By detaching emotionally, you will likely be able to parent your kids with more balance.  As hard as it might be, boundaries insulating yourself from the knowledge of her destructive behavior will likely help you now.  Letting go is hard, hurts - but we tend to need to do it to heal.

Take good care of you too.

Peace,

SB