Love and holograms.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been described on here that we fall in love with the reflection we see in a mirror held by our SOs.

I can understand why perhaps it may be viewed that way.

I feel though that we fall in love not with that reflection... .

but with a fraction of what they portray to us.

The rest of the image we see is a hologram.

Except it is lifelike. Real.

That fraction that we see... . that we feel... . is momentary.

It will vanish.

You want to believe that it will not be transitory. Fleeting.

Your mind needs to believe this.

We dont operate on such glimpses and snapshots.

I am attempting to accept this.

It is not easy.

I fell in love with a fraction of a person. The rest of her was just a hologram.

A brutal reality.

For me to even move forward one step... . I have to accept that.

There is no way around that.

[Ironmanrises]

It has been described on here that we fall in love with the reflection we see in a mirror held by our SOs.

I can understand why perhaps it may be viewed that way.

I feel though that we fall in love not with that reflection... .

but with a fraction of what they portray to us.

The rest of the image we see is a hologram.

Except it is lifelike. Real.

That fraction that we see... . that we feel... . is momentary.

It will vanish.

You want to believe that it will not be transitory. Fleeting.

Your mind needs to believe this.

We dont operate on such glimpses and snapshots.

I am attempting to accept this.

It is not easy.

I fell in love with a fraction of a person. The rest of her was just a hologram.

A brutal reality.

For me to even move forward one step... . I have to accept that.

There is no way around that.

[seeking balance]

I fell in love with a fraction of a person. The rest of her was just a hologram.

A brutal reality.

For me to even move forward one step... . I have to accept that.

There is no way around that.

Why do you think you settled for a fraction?

[Ironmanrises]

Because it felt real.

It came across authentic.

Her words at that moment matched her behavior.

[seeking balance]

Because it felt real.

It came across authentic.

Her words at that moment matched her behavior.

Do you remember the first time they didn't match?  Tell us about it.

[Ironmanrises]

The first time in round 1 of relationship... .

After i had gone to her city for the first time and spent a few days with her... .

She had initiated this... .

She had told me how happy she was that we spent such quality time together... .

We had been very intimate... .

2 weeks after that when i detected the mismatch... . when devaluation started... .

She told me... .

"You shouldnt have spent those few days with me... . it should have been you at a hotel and me at my house... . and not sleeping together all those days."

When i heard her say that and remembered that it was her idea to begin with and how much she enjoyed time together... .

That completely jolted me.

I attempted to ask her why the contradiction... .

Her response, "i cant have this back and forth with you."

All i did was ask her a fair question.

Her response included her sounding so annoyed that i even asked her that.

My self esteem took a hit.

I didnt know about BPD at that time.

Her put downs increased after that.

Her reversals increased too.

I had the time of my life those few days with her.

[seeking balance]

Why do you think you ignored that first red flag?

My first red flag was ignored because I wanted to believe the image, needed to believe it because I was feeling like my life was a bit unglued... . job issues, healthy issues, general anxiety about my age and wanting a family.

What about YOU - what was going on in your life that you let the red flags go?  what were you hoping for?

[Ironmanrises]

I was puzzled by it.

I ignored it cause i had spent so much time trying to get to know her when we were just friends... .

I had just been so i intimate with her... .

It came up as a warning in my mind, her reversal... .

I had noticed odd behavior back then too but thought it more of personality quirks... .

I was so wrong.

[seeking balance]

I was puzzled by it.

I ignored it cause i had spent so much time trying to get to know her when we were just friends... .

I had just been so i intimate with her... .

Why - what was going on with you that you wanted to spend so much time with her as a friend, had you been in love with her as  a friend for a long time first?

[Ironmanrises]

We had "clicked" as friends... .

I hadnt felt like that with anyone on that level prior to her... .

I dont know how else to describe it... .

I had 2 suicide attempts(prior to her coming into my life)... .

I had been recovering when she was first introduced to me... .

[seeking balance]

We had "clicked" as friends... .

I hadnt felt like that with anyone on that level prior to her... .

I dont know how else to describe it... .

I had 2 suicide attempts(prior to her coming into my life)... .

I had been recovering when she was first introduced to me... .

Wow - that is some big stuff you had going on before her... . I am sure her attention must have felt good to you then.

I recall in another thread that you didn't have the resources for a T right now, did you get treatment (if so, what kind) after your suicide attempts?

[Ironmanrises]

Her attention felt real.

It was portrayed as real.

She would speak to me all the time... .

I was in a pysch ward for 7 days after first attempt.

Given 3 different medications at that time.

A year later, was second attempt... .

In a pysch ward for 30 days... .

That was when i discovered that i could draw... . at the lowest point in my life... . in that pysch ward... .

It was what helped me heal... .

Kept my mind in one place... .

Was given 1 medicine at that time which i no longer needed after that.

My artwork was my medicine... . so to speak.

I was rebuilding myself with my artwork... .

Its creation via me helped me recreate myself.

Sounds cliche... . I know.

My artwork helped me after first time she left me.

It no longer does.

My link to it has been disrupted.

[seeking balance]

are you sure you don't want to talk to a T who might be able to teach you some tools to help you and not just put you on meds?

It seems like you are really stuck and if you old means of coping (drawing) isn't working, maybe you need some new tools.

I am worried that you keep replaying the same scenerio here and you might not be getting the help you need to break out of that thought pattern.

What else are you doing to help break out of those thought patterns besides posting here?

[Ironmanrises]

I cant afford a T right now.

I havent had suicidal thoughts... . which is a positive at least.

The posting on here is helpful for me... .

I dont feel completely alone.

I am trying to heal.

I have maintained NC.

I dont cry as much as the first few weeks after she left.

That has subsided to an extent.

Attempting to delve back into my love of military history.

Perhaps that can be helpful for me.

I have isolated myself which is not healthy... . I know.

I no longer am able to trust which is my i have isolated myself.

I will attempt to reconnect with my art.

[Surnia]

Hi Ironmanfalls

I am reading your posts with concerns and I feel for you. 

I think it would be great you could connect again with your artwork; I am sending you energy for this!

[Moonie75]

What you haven't lost is your sense of humor Ironman. I really like your wit & when times are tough a sense of humor can save you from a moment that would be so much worse without it.

You hang in there my mate.

[Ironmanrises]

Surnia,

Thank you.

Thank you for the energy.

Moonie,

Thank you.

Humor does lighten moods... . You are right.

You hang in there as well.

[seeking balance]

I understand not wanting to trust - I did that for a long time too.

By chance, are you getting outside - going for runs or walks at least?  It naturally helps with mood and you can do that by yourself.

Great idea about your military history love - anything new to focus on helps.

Glad the boards are helping and you are not alone here.   I am spending the time with you to go a bit deeper because I can see you are stuck in a hard place and you seem so much to want to get out of it.

Do me  a favor?  Take a look at your local paper, meetup, something that might show an activity of interest for you in the next week.  Whether it is a festival, museum - something to get out of the house, and at least fake being interested in something new for a couple hours.  Will you try that?

I rolled my eyes literally when someone suggest that to me once, but I did it - and it did't suck - and it did change my energy... . I wasn't dancing or anything, but some of the heaviness lifted for a bit.

Take care Ironman.

Is your Ironman reference from the comics or from the triathalon?

[Ironmanrises]

Seeking,

Getting outside?

Actually today(one of my 2 days off, yesterday being the other this week)... . I will be going to the city to spend a day for myself.

I havent gone outside at all on any previous day off ive had since she left me.

I will be going to the museum of art(Met) next week.

Maybe that will spark my love of art back to life... .

And will get me out of my house for a while.

Thank you Seeking.

My Ironman reference is from the comics... .

He is my favorite superhero.

No super powers but can construct a metal suit that gives him the ability to protect himself and others.

Incidentally... . Ive had many people tell me that i look like the actor(Robert Downey Jr.) that plays Tony Stark(Ironman) from the Ironman movies.

After my 2 suicide attempts... . I had visualized that ironman suit latching onto to me to protect me from all threats... .

Juvenile?... . Yes. I know.

But it helped me immensely at that time.

The suit was my armor against all preceived threats... . rejection, putdowns, and what not.

[Moonie75]

Not juvenile at all man! We all have different passions & things that make us tick. And that's exactly how the world should be!

My passion is music, playing drums & collecting 50's & 60's vinyl. I feel my passion for these things will help/protect me in hard times like these. In reality a drum kit in the corner, or a record on the turn table are inanimate objects that can't tell me what to do or stop her contacting me. But those same objects & emotions they evoke within me do give me a kind of peace with myself. They transport me away for the time I indulge myself. For ME, because I'm worth the pleasure! And I like doing that for ME!

Your own personal passions can & have previously done this for YOU! Indulge yourself for YOU not her, or any of us, just YOU! Take a deep breath, remember the goodness your hobbies & interests feed you, and jump right in to a glorious session of indulging yourself for YOU.

A lot of who you are is what you love & enjoy.

You're a good man, a caring man, a big man! YOU deserve to enjoy what you enjoy & enjoy enjoying it all! And you'll meet your old stronger self somewhere in those moments you're indulging in those passions.

Take care mate.

[Ironmanrises]

Moonie,

Awesome passion!

Thank you for your kind words.

I can relate to it giving me a kind of peace with myself.