Good girl, bad girl

[Winifred]

A month ago we were almost ready to cut off contact with our BPD daughter. If it weren't for our 4-month old grandchild, we would have. At that time our daughter had suffered yet another episode of abuse at the hands of her criminal boyfriend who was jailed for two days as a result. She hung up on us when we mentioned a protective order. That's the bad girl. So we filed yet another CPS complaint about the baby's being in danger, thinking it's the one thing we could do. Yesterday our daughter called to say that the CPS social worker accompanied her to court and helped her obtain a protective order. She's also back in therapy. Our prayers have been answered! We know that the bad girl will be back, but we're enjoying the good girl one day at a time. I can say for certain that things began to change when she assaulted her father a year ago and we filed a police report. That led t  o court-mandated counseling and psychiatric care, which continues. Thankfully, she likes both her counselor and psychiatrist. After the baby was born we filed the first of four (so far) CPS complaints. Each one has been taken seriously and care of the child has improved, including a public health nurse who visits weekly. So in our daughter's case, contact with the authorities produces results. While we're always wary, a huge burden has been lifted for the moment. We are so thankful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Winifred  

I'm glad to hear that things are going well right now with your daughter. It must be a relief for you (if just for now) especially with a 4 month old grandchild involved. You say your daughter is diagnosed BPD. Being aware of one's diagnosis, accepting it and getting treatment is really the key to a balanced life. You say she has her ups and downs; with treatment, that can get better... .Like now  

Have you been able to use any of the communication tools on this site to try to navigate a better relationship with your daughter? I found that once I learned how to stop pushing every button in my BPD son36's body, he started reacting differently to me! Things actually got better between us, and I was able to reason with him better and encourage  him in his therapies and treatments. I found this TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and this Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it to be invaluable to helping me help my son on the road to recovery. There are, of course, many Workshops and Articles that you can check out, finding the perfect subjects for you and your situation. You've probably done that by now, but I myself am amazed when I have some time to poke around the site, to find things I've missed in the past that help me so much  

Your daughter's situation sounds truly heartbreaking for her and you at times, and also your granddaughter. Maybe now she is figuring out that things will have to change for good... .and if she does, then you can be there for her with your communication tools available, and it just could make the difference. I'm very happy for you, and hope that things continue looking up. So glad things are good today  

[vivekananda]

Hi Winifred  good to hear from you again!

So proud of you for taking the steps you have. I am glad you didn't go n/c and I'm happy for your gchild.

You must feel a little pleased that your good work has paid off and sticking in there has brought some rewards. I do hope the therapeutic moves are helpful and bring some changes for you.

It sounds like two steps forward, one step back... .what do you think?

Vivek    

[Winifred]

Our situation continues to improve. We take it one day at a time and know that the "bad girl" is probably taking a vacation, but we're enjoying and rejoicing in the "good girl" while she's here. Since acquiring the protective order (with the help of a CPS social worker), our daughter is beginning to understand what life without the threat of physical harm can be like. Yesterday we had lunch with her and the baby, who is five and a half months old. It was all very pleasant with no episodes to speak of, just a couple of small miscommunications that she handled well. She did take an anti-anxiety pill before we got there, and I could see her nervousness increasing toward the end of two hours, so we put other plans on hold and got them back to the apartment for the baby's nap. This morning she called to tell us that the baby crawled for the first time and then sent a video. We're thrilled! I was quite emotional yesterday, and continue to be, since for the first time we now have a relatively normal relationship with our daughter and granddaughter. These are the kinds of days I've dreamed of and prayed for. We maintain expectations that she follow social norms (no attitude, please and thank you); we ignore what's not essential to our relationship (messy, dirty apartment); we validate her good work with the baby (clean, folded, neatly organized things; healthy, happy baby) and the positive steps she's taken (therapy, psychiatrist, protective order) although we don't get too far into the latter because it's her business now that she's done it. We'll never get used to the whiplash effect -- a month ago we were desperate, now we're hopeful, but I guess it just comes with the disorder.

[vivekananda]

Hi Winifred that all sounds so good that I bet you wake up wondering if it is all a dream ... .that is so much better than those nightmares of before eh?   

You said something Winnie (can I call you that?) that's jumped out at me a bit. Now don't think I am reading into it too much, but I want to raise a concern that you might find helpful.

... .we validate her good work with the baby (clean, folded, neatly organized things; healthy, happy baby) and the positive steps she's taken (therapy, psychiatrist, protective order)... .

This set off some alarm bells with me. This is not validation as I would understand it. Let me explain. If I said some things like that to my dd and she was feeling good, she might be pleased with the compliments. If however, the mood wasn't so up, or it changed during our time together, or after she went home and thought about what was said, then she would be likely to see those comments as judgemental. She might think that 'if I wasn't in therapy, they wouldn't like me then' or 'if the baby had made a mess just before I got there, that would mean I wouldn't have their approval.' Can you see what I am getting at?

Validation as I understand it, is when we validate the emotions of the other person, how they feel. We do this for a number of reasons.

1) it indicates we are really listening to the person;

2) it is non judgemental - how we feel is always true;

3) it helps us stay mindful;

4) it shows the pwBPD what their emotions are, helps them recognise how they feel and helps them deal with their emotions which are at the centre of their disorder.

There is an excellent video that goes for about 50 mins. You'll need a pen and paper to take notes though because it says so much. There is a lot to be learned about validation... .I have been at it solid for about 18mths now and I am still learning.

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

Let me know what you think ok? Please feel free to ask questions, raise concerns, tell me I'm wrong, whatever, ok?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Winifred, - I am so happy for you to have this positive contact with your D and gd. It is awesome that she took your suggestion of a protective order and followed through with it. The case worker that came this last time touched your D in some special way.

You are a loving and wise mom. Taking the risks to intervene when you can find no other response, then stepping back to let you D take the next step. Thanks so much for sharing this positive part of your story.

qcr  

[js friend]

... .This morning she called to tell us that the baby crawled for the first time and then sent a video. We're thrilled! I was quite emotional yesterday, and continue to be, since for the first time we now have a relatively normal relationship with our daughter and granddaughter. These are the kinds of days I've dreamed of and prayed for. We maintain expectations that she follow social norms (no attitude, please and thank you); we ignore what's not essential to our relationship (messy, dirty apartment); we validate her good work with the baby (clean, folded, neatly organized things; healthy, happy baby) and the positive steps she's taken (therapy, psychiatrist, protective order) although we don't get too far into the latter because it's her business now that she's done it. We'll never get used to the whiplash effect -- a month ago we were desperate, now we're hopeful, but I guess it just comes with the disorder.

Iam so happy for you Winifred. I read this part and a great big smile crept over my face

Its so nice that your dd thought of including you in sharing gds milestones.

They are such precious moments.

I hope progress continues  

[Winifred]

Thank you all for the encouragement. Vivek , thank you for the suggestion that I rethink what "validation" means. My examples were not really on point. I did watch the video you recommended. I understand what he is saying but wish he had focused more on BPD situations. The last example of the angry teenager coming home from school came closest to BPD dysregulation of emotions. I can honestly say that there was iittle, if any, shouting in our home, and our first reaction would have been "What happened?", not "Why did you?" Nevertheless, we have a lot to learn. I was fascinated the the youtube dramatization of a DBT session with Dr. Frazenelli (?) and an actress (I presume). My daughter, right down to the voice, behavior, and clothes! A little hard to watch at times, but proof-positive that this disorder has a set of predictable behaviors. Thanks again, W.