1 year NC - now a meeting with my exBPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all

Last night I went out for dinner with a friend, then had some drinks at a bar. As I was leaving the bar my uBPD ex walks in. He looked like he had seen a ghost. We've not seen each other for a year now after a very acrimonious and typical BPD breakup. I decided to stay and talk to him.

Firstly, he looks like a tramp. Just terrible. Unshaven, long hair etc etc. We started to talk quite amicably, however it was clear from the start that he has lost all his sparkle and seemed very depressed. He said to me 'I often think about you' then started to ask me if I still had my engagement ring, if the house still looked the same, if I still had certain possessions we had once cherished together. Etc.

He then showed me a friendship band I once gave him and told me he's never taken it off. His gaze the whole time we were talking was almost transfixed on me.

He was alone when he came into the bar (this is now common for him to sit alone at bars drinking - so I wasn't surprised) 2 people he knows walked in and he introduced me to both of them as his fiancé. One of the guys said 'I've heard a lot about you' to which I raised my eyebrows, then he quickly said 'no no, I mean in a good way. All good things' he then went on to say that he recognised me from photos my ex has shown him.

This took me back, as I thought he had nothing but bad to say about me. I also thought that he couldn't even acknowledge I exist. And would probably lie about me to other people.

My ex and i went outside the bar to chat more. He said he could smell my perfume and it reminded him of happy times. I asked him when was the last time he felt happy and he said it was on holiday with me over a year ago. He asked if we were 'friends' now ... . I didn't respond.

He told me he doesn't have any money and is now living back home with his parents. He said he comes to this bar because they give him free drinks.

He opened up to me and said that 'everyone hates him' and he's had to change his number 3 times because everyone is after him. He said that whatever it takes he wants to leave this town and never come back. It was clear he was in a very bad way.

Naturally, as soon as his emotions started to bubble he began to get agitated and the conversation became slightly more heated. At one point he asked me 'what do you want - do you want me to come home with you' - I said no, that's the last thing I want. He looked hurt.

He then went on to say that I should stay away from him, as he's not a very nice person etc etc.

I said to him I would like to see him again, but not so I could talk about us getting back together because that's never going to happen. I know we can't be together. (I thought that was what he wanted too) but Again, it looked like someone had driven a stake through his heart.

We said goodbye fairly amicably. But I swear he looked as though he just wanted to run home and cry his heart out.

Of course there were many other things that were said in the 2 hours we spent together. But in a nutshell I came home with this strange feeling that he still loved me very much and wishes he could turn the clock back to when he was happy. He looked like he was hurting very much over me. Which again totally shocked me as he left me so suddenly and did and said so many cruel things when he left. I thought he despised me.

I very much doubt I will hear from him any time soon. I think he wants nothing more than to come back, but he's staying away to protect me from the person he has become. As a result, he is clearly hurting deeply.

I honestly never thought I would be writing these words.

Thoughts anyone?

T x

[Tessaking]

Hi all

Last night I went out for dinner with a friend, then had some drinks at a bar. As I was leaving the bar my uBPD ex walks in. He looked like he had seen a ghost. We've not seen each other for a year now after a very acrimonious and typical BPD breakup. I decided to stay and talk to him.

Firstly, he looks like a tramp. Just terrible. Unshaven, long hair etc etc. We started to talk quite amicably, however it was clear from the start that he has lost all his sparkle and seemed very depressed. He said to me 'I often think about you' then started to ask me if I still had my engagement ring, if the house still looked the same, if I still had certain possessions we had once cherished together. Etc.

He then showed me a friendship band I once gave him and told me he's never taken it off. His gaze the whole time we were talking was almost transfixed on me.

He was alone when he came into the bar (this is now common for him to sit alone at bars drinking - so I wasn't surprised) 2 people he knows walked in and he introduced me to both of them as his fiancé. One of the guys said 'I've heard a lot about you' to which I raised my eyebrows, then he quickly said 'no no, I mean in a good way. All good things' he then went on to say that he recognised me from photos my ex has shown him.

This took me back, as I thought he had nothing but bad to say about me. I also thought that he couldn't even acknowledge I exist. And would probably lie about me to other people.

My ex and i went outside the bar to chat more. He said he could smell my perfume and it reminded him of happy times. I asked him when was the last time he felt happy and he said it was on holiday with me over a year ago. He asked if we were 'friends' now ... . I didn't respond.

He told me he doesn't have any money and is now living back home with his parents. He said he comes to this bar because they give him free drinks.

He opened up to me and said that 'everyone hates him' and he's had to change his number 3 times because everyone is after him. He said that whatever it takes he wants to leave this town and never come back. It was clear he was in a very bad way.

Naturally, as soon as his emotions started to bubble he began to get agitated and the conversation became slightly more heated. At one point he asked me 'what do you want - do you want me to come home with you' - I said no, that's the last thing I want. He looked hurt.

He then went on to say that I should stay away from him, as he's not a very nice person etc etc.

I said to him I would like to see him again, but not so I could talk about us getting back together because that's never going to happen. I know we can't be together. (I thought that was what he wanted too) but Again, it looked like someone had driven a stake through his heart.

We said goodbye fairly amicably. But I swear he looked as though he just wanted to run home and cry his heart out.

Of course there were many other things that were said in the 2 hours we spent together. But in a nutshell I came home with this strange feeling that he still loved me very much and wishes he could turn the clock back to when he was happy. He looked like he was hurting very much over me. Which again totally shocked me as he left me so suddenly and did and said so many cruel things when he left. I thought he despised me.

I very much doubt I will hear from him any time soon. I think he wants nothing more than to come back, but he's staying away to protect me from the person he has become. As a result, he is clearly hurting deeply.

I honestly never thought I would be writing these words.

Thoughts anyone?

T x

[stronger123]

Hello... . wow to that msg you have written. . I feel deeply for u and in answer to your question I am sure he still loves u very much... . but I still think hes indinial and hasnt hit rock bottom yet. I think hes hoping he will gwt back with u so u need to decide what u want? I think u will hear from him more now. Because he has talked with u and seen u and reminisced with u over the old times u two have shared together. How long have u been together may I ask? Was u his first love?

[Tessaking]

Hi stronger -

thank you for your words. I was his first love, yes. He has been with someone else since me, but it ended a few months ago and by all accounts was a very turbulent relationship. We were together for 1.5 yrs and engaged for 6 months. We had a beautiful relationship, but it ended very badly and suddenly. He literally just disappeared and cut me out of his life one day.

You know it's hard. On the one hand I could see soo much feeling and love in him. But on the other hand by the end he was agitated and I felt almost angry at me again.

I hope he will be in touch again. I don't want to get back together with him. But I would like to help him and be there for him.

It's been good for me to finally believe that he DID actually love me and he DOES actually think about our very special time together. It's what I needed to hear. It meant so much to me.

T x

[blurry]

In times like those, and believe me, I've had too many, my exes words borderlined (haha) on poetic. I've read somewhere that its common for pwBPD to sort of switch into kind of a poetic type verse while they're giving you their empty promises and lies. Yet it seems so sincere as they're saying it, it is actually sincere I think, but from experience I know the behavior always reverts back to dysregulation, sometimes within a few days, sometimes within a few weeks, and it always shocks me every time.

I feel like it almost puts me in a trance and I come marching back like, idk, like a rat following the pied piper to the sound of his flute or something.

There's gotta be change somewhere for these relationships to work, in every aspect of my relationship with my BPDw, words don't mean a thing, nothing at all. And the actions always prove it. When I say change, I don't even know what exactly, could even be me having to change, but I know whatever it is, it has to be something significant, really really significant, or it'll be the same nightmare all over again.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tessaking,

It sounds like a very powerful meeting, and I'm glad you were able to get some peace from talking to him and realizing his feelings for you.  The last contact I had from pwBPD, he also expressed love for me, and strangely, seemed a little angry, too.  There is so much going on underneath that doesn't always show in the behavior, or can even look like the opposite sometimes.

I don't want to get back together with him. But I would like to help him and be there for him.

Have you thought about what that would look like for you now, after 1 year of NC?

[Tessaking]

Heartandwhole

Thank you for your advise. I guess I haven't really thought about it yet, no. I suppose the reason I haven't thought about it is because I doubt I will ever get the chance to help him anyway. Because that would mean he'd have to contact me. And I'm just not sure he will.

I don't have any means of contacting him anymore, as he changed his phone number.

T x

[jollygreen]

Tessaking, I just want to say kudos on your experience.  You are a very strong and brave person to go through that.  I've often envisioned bumping into my ex and what I would do in such a situation.  I would just keep walking as if they were not there.  Of course in real life things do not play out how you imagine them.  And I know it sounds cold hearted, but I'd probably stay and chat a little too.  The fact that you talked and set up a time to meet sounds like you're in a healthy state now and are past all of that.

[Ironmanrises]

Hi all

Last night I went out for dinner with a friend, then had some drinks at a bar. As I was leaving the bar my uBPD ex walks in. He looked like he had seen a ghost. We've not seen each other for a year now after a very acrimonious and typical BPD breakup. I decided to stay and talk to him.

Firstly, he looks like a tramp. Just terrible. Unshaven, long hair etc etc. We started to talk quite amicably, however it was clear from the start that he has lost all his sparkle and seemed very depressed. He said to me 'I often think about you' then started to ask me if I still had my engagement ring, if the house still looked the same, if I still had certain possessions we had once cherished together. Etc.

He then showed me a friendship band I once gave him and told me he's never taken it off. His gaze the whole time we were talking was almost transfixed on me.

He was alone when he came into the bar (this is now common for him to sit alone at bars drinking - so I wasn't surprised) 2 people he knows walked in and he introduced me to both of them as his fiancé. One of the guys said 'I've heard a lot about you' to which I raised my eyebrows, then he quickly said 'no no, I mean in a good way. All good things' he then went on to say that he recognised me from photos my ex has shown him.

This took me back, as I thought he had nothing but bad to say about me. I also thought that he couldn't even acknowledge I exist. And would probably lie about me to other people.

My ex and i went outside the bar to chat more. He said he could smell my perfume and it reminded him of happy times. I asked him when was the last time he felt happy and he said it was on holiday with me over a year ago. He asked if we were 'friends' now ... . I didn't respond.

He told me he doesn't have any money and is now living back home with his parents. He said he comes to this bar because they give him free drinks.

He opened up to me and said that 'everyone hates him' and he's had to change his number 3 times because everyone is after him. He said that whatever it takes he wants to leave this town and never come back. It was clear he was in a very bad way.

Naturally, as soon as his emotions started to bubble he began to get agitated and the conversation became slightly more heated. At one point he asked me 'what do you want - do you want me to come home with you' - I said no, that's the last thing I want. He looked hurt.

He then went on to say that I should stay away from him, as he's not a very nice person etc etc.

I said to him I would like to see him again, but not so I could talk about us getting back together because that's never going to happen. I know we can't be together. (I thought that was what he wanted too) but Again, it looked like someone had driven a stake through his heart.

We said goodbye fairly amicably. But I swear he looked as though he just wanted to run home and cry his heart out.

Of course there were many other things that were said in the 2 hours we spent together. But in a nutshell I came home with this strange feeling that he still loved me very much and wishes he could turn the clock back to when he was happy. He looked like he was hurting very much over me. Which again totally shocked me as he left me so suddenly and did and said so many cruel things when he left. I thought he despised me.

I very much doubt I will hear from him any time soon. I think he wants nothing more than to come back, but he's staying away to protect me from the person he has become. As a result, he is clearly hurting deeply.

I honestly never thought I would be writing these words.

Thoughts anyone?

T x

That.

My exUBPDgf referred to herself like that even when I was just friends with her... .

I had no idea at that time why she would refer to herself like that... .

None at all.

I would come to soon find out when I was on round 1 of relationship with her.

An early red flag that I ignored.

I never experienced anything like that prior to her.

I cried reading your post Tessa.

There is nothing you can do but stay away from him.

You saw the full range of behavior in that few hours you talked to him.

Jarring.

[LetItBe]

Tessa, it must have been hard to see him in such sad shape.  I understand the feeling of wanting to help.  I think all of us here have strong empathy and a lot of times, "rescuer" tendencies.  I know I do.

He then went on to say that I should stay away from him, as he's not a very nice person etc etc.

That reminds me of the first time my BPDxbf and I broke up.  He choked up and said, "It's the most loving thing I can do."  Looking back, I do believe he was having a lucid moment there.  Also, there was a time he shared with me that the reason he stayed single for 7 years (while he was in therapy and probably just attached to his therapist, yes, SEVEN years of being single, verified by his friends and family) was, "to protect others from myself."

Sadly, I couldn't help him.  I was his biggest trigger as he let me "in" closer than anyone since his mom died when he was child.  The closer we got, the more his trust issues surfaced, and the more he punished me for his bad feelings.

 to you.  I know it's hard.

[Learning_curve74]

There's gotta be change somewhere for these relationships to work, in every aspect of my relationship with my BPDw, words don't mean a thing, nothing at all. And the actions always prove it. When I say change, I don't even know what exactly, could even be me having to change, but I know whatever it is, it has to be something significant, really really significant, or it'll be the same nightmare all over again.

Sounds like food for thought?