I'm sick of reading this every time I look up something about BPD

[kellygirl601]

"Invalidating Home Environment"

As a parent of a now adult BPD, this infuriates me. I'm sick of reading this every time I look up something about BPD. My daughter has had nothing but love and support from day one regardless of her behavior. Now that she's and adult and we are all less understanding of her behavior and choices, she throws this at us.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

My daughter was given love and support too KellyGirl.  I didn't understand the intensity of her emotions, how deeply she was being affected by those emotions or even what those emotions were as she mostly was angry (anger being a secondary emotion)... .how could I have been validating?


lbj

[Someday . . .]

Kellygirl, out of everything I have known and read about BPD, this one 'fact' (invalidating home environment) is the one I have the most trouble with.  My dd25 (and son) were also raised with love and respect.  In fact, I went out of my way to be sure that my kids had the most validating, fun, supportive childhood that I could possibly give them (it was important to me that they had a 'strong base' that would lead them to be healthy adults).  I sincerely feel that I could not have been a better parent (I actually had three parents come up to me at various times when my kids were in elementary school and told me that their own children said that they wanted to have me as a mother as I seemed like I was a good, nice, and fun mommy!). . .and still I read over and over again that my daughters diagnosis of BPD is due to an invalidating home environment.  This is what I have done to help myself:   back in the day when my sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I remember that it was thought that it could be due to poor parenting (especially the mother's poor parenting), then when my daughter was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome at age 8, I remember that it was common to blame the mother.  We now know that both of these thoughts are not true.  So when I read books or hear experts say that an invalidating home environment contributed to MY daughter getting BPD I consider the previous two examples and how those 'thoughts' were not true.  I say MY daughter, because everyones situation is different.  True, it seems that quite a few people with a diagnosis of BPD, did have an invalidating home environment, but that doesn't mean ALL.  So that is the thought that I keep in my own mind.   Not ALL people with BPD, HAVE to have an invalidating home environment.  There's exceptions to every rule, and that may be true for you also.

[kellygirl601]

The thing is, now that she is 20,  we are TIRED of validating her. Tired of dealing with her poor decisions and tired of being broke from all the things we've done trying to help her. The appearance she chooses to have is embarrassing and I'm sick of feeling shallow for feeling that way. Right now I feel like detaching and I know that's awful. My other daughter will be getting engaged and instead of being excited, I'm dreading the drama her sister will bring.

[lbjnltx]

It is all very draining, mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.

It's ok to take a break from it all and just take care of yourself for a while.

[kellygirl601]

I can't even look at her it's so ridiculous. I want to tell her how much I hate everything she does.

[Someday . . .]

Kellygirl, I get it, I truly do.  I felt that we were so incredibly supportive etc. of our dd25 for soo many years.  I also got to the place you got to.  You are worn out, fed up, and frankly just can't take it anymore.  I felt that way for the past couple of years.  Finally I got tired of feeling so angry, sad, etc. and decided to do something about it as it was not making MY (or her) life any easier.  I have been trying really, really, hard to get back to a place of love and compassion. There are things that I have done/ and am doing to try to regain a healthier perspective.  In the meantime, I get what you are going through.  Sometimes it's just so very, very, difficult to keep playing the 'kind, supportive parent' and feel  like you're not getting anything in return.  Just know that we're all here for you.   

[peaceplease]

kellygirl,

I was just saying that last night.  One of the older books that I have say that BPD factor I was brought on by invalidating environment.  My uBPDd was in a very peaceful home. I lived with my mom the first 15 years of her life.  Started having problems around the age of 12/13.  At the time, thought it was just terrible teen years.  I married my second husband when she was 15.  But, up until that point, she lived in a home with peace.  And, even after I got married there was no chaos in the home.(except hers)  However, she blames my marriage on the beginning of her legal problems.  Perhaps, it was the feeling of abandonment when I remarried.  My dh has always been good to her.  But, he is black/white to her.

I would think that if BPD was going to kick in, it would formulate during earlier years.  And, I just never saw it.  She was super clingy to me for first 12 years of her life.

My former T told me that my dd was born with it, as we decided that my ex is BPD/NPD.  And, my ds appears to be as well.  He just has different symptoms than my dd.

And, the mother was always blamed.  It was thought to be from child abuse/neglect.  That was a broad generalization.  I am sure there may be some with BPD that fit that criteria.  But, I am sure there are more that don't.

[Kate4queen]

It does make me sad when I read that because like most of us here I did my best to give my son with BPD the best childhood I could-in fact he, of all my 4 kids because of his physical disability got the most attention of all of them. I literally carried him on my hip for the first 4 years of his life before he was able to start using a K-walker.

There was a stage a year ago when I couldn't stand looking at my son either as he raged through our family, treated us with contempt and threw back in my face everything I'd ever done for him by saying it was all my fault he was disabled anyway because I'd 'given him' cp by being irresponsible when I was pregnant. Not so. How the heck do you validate that? He walked out again, we let him go this time and almost a year on I have strengthened myself mentally and physically and reached a much better level of acceptance of who he is and why he's like that and I no longer feel it's about me anymore, so I don't feel angry anymore either, just sad. But that's taken a long time of not having to deal with him face to face everyday.

[kellygirl601]

Kate, I understand. I find that  better able to tolerate her when she is doing something positive for herself. She quit school, again and is back home. It was heaven when she was gone. She thinks I'm shallow because I care about her appearance and won't be seen with her if she looks ridiculous. I figure I've purchased enough clothes for her that she can go out with me looking presentable or stay home. She chooses to hang with lazy unmotivated people and so now her attitude reflects that. I can not wait until she moves out.

[MammaMia]

kelleygirl

I agree with you and the others who take issue with the statement that BPD children were raised in an invalidating environment.  There are two components to having BPD: genetics and environment.  

It sounds like most of us tried very, very hard to be good mothers.  We went above and beyond to provide love and support and we were not abusive.   Perhaps our BPD children feel we failed them because THEY had a distorted perception of OUR actions and words from infancy.  Kind and loving words and gestures to them were perceived as cruel, abusive, hateful, and demeaning.   Unfortunately, many therapists re-enforce this train of thought, but that does not make it true.  

It is as if they believe someone HAS to be responsible, so let's blame Mom, the primary caregiver.  

Do they not understand how hurtful and frustrating it is for us to have tried so hard for years and years to provide all the love and care needed by BPD children, only to be told we have failed and everything is our fault?  Bpd is so complex and multi-faceted that it can be very difficult to try to figure out where it came from and why.

No one knows that better than the mothers of children with BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Scout99]

I think it is important to relieve some of all the feelings of guilt that so easily get attached to statements like "invalidating home environment"... .

First of all that statement doesn't translate to "having hitty parents... " or "having grown up in a traumatic home"... .

It means that there can be found situations or times in the patients life where they have perceived things, because of who they are genetically, that is a bit more vulnerable, in a way that to them have been interpreted as invalidating. If it was so from an objective perspective is not important here. It is not about truth. It is about understanding what things that has left an imprint in the child, that in turn has become a piece of the puzzle in all the things that have worked together in creating the disorder... .

In all honesty I think it can be said, that most parents quite honestly thinks they have done their best at parenting. And really the majority, if not all parents actually think they have been pretty good parents.

At the same time, we all have been children. And I have yet to find one person who can honestly say that they grew up with perfect parents who never ever did anything bad or who never ever made their children feel any kind of hurt... .

Most of us can joke and say that we all have to some degree have had weird parents and that our childhood in some way or another have been effed up... .

In my country there is even a saying stating it is a parents job to eff up their children... . that many people here use like bumper stickers and so on... .

Having said that. It is important to understand that there is no point whatsoever in exercising self blame or self punishment because a child later in life developed a disorder... .The traumas needed in combination with the hereditary aspects of this disorder are not big things! It does not take abuse or what we consider big traumas. It takes very subtle things, that we all can do to our children, but that doesn't create a disorder in the vast majority.

It is important to understand that it takes both hereditary and environmental factors to create a disorder.

And the environmental factors are not all about the parenting. It can be about feelings around friendships in school. Being rejected by a wished for friend in early school age creates a lot more damage than most things parents can do for instance... .

As awful as it is to conduct experiments on children... .There was an experiment conducted in the fifties with very young babies, that is very telling when it comes to how little it takes in order to create trauma in a small baby... .In this experiment they were checking out the children's ways or communicating with their parents and in the early months all they have is pretty much eye contact.

In the experiment parents were to turn away from the child every time the child tried to seek out their parents eye contact... .The results of this was staggering! The children at first intensified their attempts in seeking out their parents eye contact. But in a matter of minutes they pretty much gave up trying and went into a depressed state... .

That shows that it just takes minutes to create something that by the organism of the child will be interpreted as a trauma... .

And none of us are so perfect that we never ever have made any mistakes in our parenting... .

But again! The point of blaming or assigning guilt trips due to any of this is completely pointless! When working with a patient it can sometimes for a therapist be important to get a picture of what their history is like... .But again, their perception of their history is theres... .Not ours as parents to rewrite to what we see is the "truth"... .Because the truth is not really relevant there. The patients perception of the truth however is... .

In essence, to every story there are at least as many truths as there are people involved... .

And what things that may hurt us also has a lot to do with how vulnerable we are. And that part it often genetically induced... .It is all in our perception. And one thing that may not leave any mark on one person, may define the whole perception of life for another... .

Just my thoughts on this very important subject!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[heronbird]

Gosh this is so bad isnt it. So basic, as if that can cause a mental illness on its own. I always say its genetic too.

Its life experiences and genetic.

The worse thing was when I was at a meeting and XSIL said that he thinks my dd is ill because of something I did to her when she was young or I had the same thing when I was young.

I hated that, so unfair too he never bothered to look up BPD or try to understand it. I hope all the other professionals didnt believe him.

Also, the fact that we have other children that do not have BPD is proof its not the reason.

[PyneappleDays]

Hi I don't know if this is too late or untimely or repetitive.

I look at the things my daughter does and the choices she makes.  I want to shake my head and rattle my cage.  There no way in blazes I'd live where she does. Ewww.  I've spent my whole life avoiding those places.

So I soo totally know where your coming from.  Validating? what? your kidaughtering right?

Then I think she's my daughter and I don't know how I'd feel if I was her.  Driving everyone away except the people she hangs around with.  Really they find each other.  Yesh!

And that's it how would it feel to be locked up in that and alone.

She is trying, cause I'm that birdie in her ear.  Really I'm a pest.  Hope that it works somehow.

It's really really hard I know.

It was harder when she was younger (4-13 when she left to go live with her father) and I felt trapped.

It gets a little less nutty when you have a release.  balance

PyneappleDays

[Kate4queen]

When I was born, I was taken away by the midwife to a hospital 10 miles away from where my parents lived. I was premature and born in a cold winter. I was the 4th child. My parents didn't have a car and the hospital was 2 bus rides away from their home so I was basically there in an incubator on my own for the first week or so of my life. Then my sisters all got measles so I couldn't go home. Our family doctor and his wife took me in and looked after me for another 4 weeks.

Now I have some issues about people touching me and getting in my personal space, but no attachment disorder, which you might think I'd have having gone through that.

My son, on the other hand because of his disability, was carried on my hip or his father's for almost the whole of his first four years of his life. I do wonder whether, unlike m, he was too attached to us and suffered terribly when he was encouraged to walk by himself and be his own person.

You can't discount genetics in this or blame yourself too much.

[six]

Interesting thread. 

My DsBPD26 is my oldest child (followed by 5 younger sibs).  when he was born, I was so obsessed and determined to do everything right for him, that I basically never put him down, for sure never let him cry.

Once when he was six months old I came home to find him crying with the babysitter.  she got fired and I basically refused to leave him with anyone other than my dh or the grandparents.  when he was almost 2, my daughter was born.  he has been at war with her ever since.

sometimes I wonder if that intense and obsessive attachment that I had with him contributed to his BPD.  of course I meant it to be loving, but I see that it is so difficult for him if one of his sibs succeeds.  he is in constant competition with them.  don't think he ever got over sharing me and not having my undivided attention.

he would have been better off if I had let him cry in his crib like all those "abusive" moms that I was so careful not to imitate.  maybe he would have learned to solve some of his problems without blaming me   

[heronbird]

Kate, yes thats a good brilliant point...

Ive told this before but my mum who is now 83, told me when she was little in Switzerland where she is from, they took her away from her parents when she was about 18 months because she was too skinny ha, they wanted to feed her up and they put her in a special hospital for 6 months, after a month her mum and dad came to visit her, she cried so much because she missed them so terribly, the hospital told her parents not to come back and visit. So they didnt.

When she was a bit older, they put her in a boarding school she cried a lot missing them there too.

My mum is the most well balanced person I know, she is not perfect but she is fine and very rational, truth is, she taught me all I know about how to cope with things, she was so good as I was growing up, she has had a lot of problems with my brother when he was a teen, she coped really well.

So it is genetics isnt it as well,

People need to stop using us a scapegoats.

Professionals just presume it was my fault sometimes if they dont know us or BPD    

[MammaMia]

Oh boy... .I knew this was going to be a hot ticket!

I have started this post 3 times now.  I had to delete the first 2 because I was so angry.  My dBPDs 39 loves to lay guilt trips on me for having had to work his entire life. I had no choice.  Alcoholic husband (who I now believe was also BPD) who fluttered from job to job and took zero responsibility for anyone or anything.  We divorced after 20 years of marriage.  It was an easy decision for me because he was a phantom husband and father who acted more like a third child than an adult.  He had dissociated himself out of existence with his family.

When I look back now, I often wonder how I survived an extremely demanding job, an alcoholic/BPD son, and a daughter who hated her abusive father. I cannot begin to tell you about all of the legal trouble my son has been in and how much it has cost me monetarily and emotionally.  I KNEW in my heart there was something else going on in addition to alcohol, but no one believed me.  No one listened.  I was humiliated over and over by being told my son thought I was the cause of all his problems.  I was a bad parent.  Of course, as with most pwBPD, others saw only what he wanted them to see.  The demons never came out during daylight hours. They had no clue as to what I was really dealing with.

Meanwhile, I was Supermom.  Killing myself by trying to do anything and everything to care for my kids.  They are my life.  I have been loving, supportive, and fair.  My daughter has become a wonderful wife and mother while my son is a trainwreck.  He was diagnosed as BPD 4 years ago while incarcerated (only because he could not run away), and the more I researched this disorder, the more everything fell into place.   I was not the source of my son's illness, although he still blames me to this day.

For parents who have dedicated their lives to the wellbeing and care of their disordered child to be told whatever caused the illness is somehow their fault makes me furious.

There is definitely a genetic component to BPD.  I can handle sometimes cruel and demeaning behavior because I understand my dBPDs has a severe mental illness.  What I will not accept is people telling me I have failed in a battle that cannot be won.

[Kate4queen]

Meanwhile, I was Supermom.  Killing myself by trying to do anything and everything to care for my kids.  They are my life.  I have been loving, supportive, and fair.  My daughter has become a wonderful wife and mother while my son is a trainwreck.  He was diagnosed as BPD 4 years ago while incarcerated (only because he could not run away), and the more I researched this disorder, the more everything fell into place.   I was not the source of my son's illness, although he still blames me to this day.

For parents who have dedicated their lives to the wellbeing and care of their disordered child to be told whatever caused the illness is somehow their fault makes me furious.

There is definitely a genetic component to BPD.  I can handle sometimes cruel and demeaning behavior because I understand my dBPDs has a severe mental illness.  What I will not accept is people telling me I have failed in a battle that cannot be won.

I just wanted to give you a hug when I read this. So true and you are a great mum.

[VeryFree]

In the different responses in this topic I recognize my own mother: feeling guilt about something you shouldn't feel guilty about.

I will try to explain:

Difficulties coming from a kid's trauma, or from things happening in childhood, aren't necessarily because of bad behaviour from a parent. So feeling guilty, or being blamed by kids shouldn't be an issue.

We are all human, we all make mistakes. We aren't perfect.

When I look back at my own childhood I can see two parents that were very loving, and tried their best.  Yet, thirty/fourty years later I find myself in a BPD-r/s being abused.

With help from a T I tried to figure out why I was in this r/s for that long. It all went back to my childhood: looking back I was a very lonely kid, originating in too much trust from my parents. They thought I was capable of solving all problems by myself, do things the right way naturally and saw that I didn't create any problems. An easy child... .

But by this way of raising a kid, that easy child didn't get validated. Didn't know if he did things bad of right. Just did as he thought was right, or didn't do anything... .

Resulting in a kid (later grown-up) that was self-supporting, helping others where he could, but had problems with self-esteem/self-confidence, feeling lonely... .A very good base for being in a r/s with a BPD... .

Are my parents to blame for this? Okay: they did things wrong, but it wasn't on purpose. They thought the did well, by letting me completely free. Wrong choice.

I tried to talk to my mother about this recently. Not blaming, just trying to get my facts right. She reacted "Oh, then we did things wrong, I'm so sorry". I tried to explain that this isn't an issue. It isn't about guilt or blaming, it's about knowing.

Therefore: we all make faults. Our parents make/made faults. As long as it isn't on purpose, there shouldn't be any blaming or guilt.

[Bonus mom]

As a child who grew up with a BPD mother, let me also add this perspective which I haven't seen so far in this thread:

I had a choice.

I had a choice to be under my mom's thumb.  I had a choice to emulate her behavior, to manipulate, to split, to lie.  I had a choice to be the victim. I had a choice to hide.   

I chose to step away from her. I chose to behave not like her, but to emulate positive role models in my life.  I chose not to manipulate, I recognize that people are not just black and white, and I value truth.  I would never describe myself as a victim.  I'm really not afraid to show who I am and what my family is.

Our children also make their own choices every day.  We do not control them.  So if we are willing to accept that our children are choosing to act/react as they do (because illness or not, it's still a choice!) then we must also accept that we cannot be held hostage by their choices.


And I offer a hug too, for being sick of "validating" when it's a one-way street.  Sometimes you just don't want to be the bigger person!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[eyvindr]

Good thread, all! Great comments.

I chose to step away from her. I chose to behave not like her, but to emulate positive role models in my life.  I chose not to manipulate, I recognize that people are not just black and white, and I value truth.  I would never describe myself as a victim.  I'm really not afraid to show who I am and what my family is.

You're strong -- and sane, Bonus. Bonus!

[MammaMia]

Kate

Thanks.  I appreciate your post.  

It is what it is.  I did not mean to sound like a pity party.  I know better.  There are so many people out there with the same senario who have gone unrecognized for their efforts in caring for a pwBPD.  I suspect they have suffered the same frustrations I encountered with law enforcement and physicians who did not even know what BPD was back then.

Well, we know what BPD is NOW, don't we?  Bpd caregivers deserve to be commended for their loving efforts through the years.  No one knows what you have been through like we do.  God bless you.

Thank you also to the BPDF website.  You are our rock.  We need you.

[Winifred]

My husband and I have been tormented by the idea that our daughter's BPD may be the result of abuse in early childhood. We've searched and searched our memories and can think of nothing. Our therapists have told us that that they cannot discern the slightest bit of evidence that we may have have abusive tendencies. There is one thing, however. Our daughter had a birth deformity that required surgery at 8 and 11 months. She also wore casts until she was about a year old. It's quite possible that attachment anxiety developed from those doctor and hospital experiences, combined with anxious, frightened parents. We can see now, looking back, that she never did have a core personality. She imitated her older brother in everything, then friends at school. As early as first grade, she used to promise children candy if they would be her friends. To this day she doesn't seem to have a core identity. Mirroring is how she gets along. The bottom line is that fixating on what caused the BPD doesn't help and that those older studies need to be taken with a grain of salt.

[qcarolr]

Scout99 - your reply fits with some of my thoughts.

Having said that. It is important to understand that there is no point whatsoever in exercising self blame or self punishment because a child later in life developed a disorder... .The traumas needed in combination with the hereditary aspects of this disorder are not big things! It does not take abuse or what we consider big traumas. It takes very subtle things, that we all can do to our children, but that doesn't create a disorder in the vast majority.

It is important to understand that it takes both hereditary and environmental factors to create a disorder.

And the environmental factors are not all about the parenting. It can be about feelings around friendships in school. Being rejected by a wished for friend in early school age creates a lot more damage than most things parents can do for instance... .

The experience of raising an only child with BPD, BPDDD27, did not give me that benchmark of other siblings. There were so many doubts about my skills as a parent. And I was an emotional wreck often. DD often blames me for how she turned out as an adult. I often accept her accusations when there is a ting of truth -- or I am in doubt. Dd's non-verbal LD was the most invalidating thing in her life starting with preschool at age 3. And maybe before that in daycare at age 2 -- where I found out later she was isolated at nap time in dark hallway because she 'disrupted the other kids' - all older than she was. No point in going on and on. I don't get to do it over. Just wish I could do it better now.

Dh and I are raising our gd8, and have been her primary caregivers since she was 9 months old. She is such a different parenting experience. She also struggles with lots of anxiety, ADHD and has suffered trauma with the episodes of her mom in our home raging. And my angry reactions. Many times. Yet she is a joy for me in spite of the challenges. I have more to work with now - more knowledge, more experience, more support systems around me. My bipolarII, dx when DD was age 3, is also better controlled.

So I can see the impacts of genetics - so different in each of these girls in my life. And I can see the impacts of life -- they both have struggled with bullying, learning issues, friendship issues, angry parent issues... .And they are very different persons.

Looking into the past - mine or my girls or my dh's for that matter - can inform how I respond to each situation in my life today. My truth - at least the one I try for - is that only this moment really matters. When I can be present in a mindful way - with my full attention - things work so much better. It is easier to do this with gd. Very hard to do with DD, esp. when she is in dysregulated place.

I have been distracted this past week - late to reading this great thread. Will have to come back to what others have shared. This is what struck me most on my first pass.

qcr  

[heronbird]

Winifred, we went through the same thing, we searched and searched, did we leave her with anyone who could have abused her,  was she on her own anywhere etc.

In the end we realised there was no possible way that could have happened, it was nice to know for sure.

She did have a couple of child hood traumas, she was born with the cord badly round her neck and looked dead, they rushed her away. She was blue.

Then when she was 1, she got ill and for 3 months the doc didnt believe me. She cried all day every day, couldnt keep any food down, lost loads of weight. Ended up with malabsorption  and malnutrition her stomach was bloated and her eyes black and sunken in. My mum thought she had leukaemia.

In the end I insisted she goes to hospital, I actually had to threaten the doc.  

They diagnosed her with coeliac disease. Over night, I got my dd back, she was starving and had to eat a special diet.

So, trauma, bullying and genetic make up, not a good mix, right.

She had a lovely life. This is a typical scenario you hear from a lot of people here.

Also, it is what it is and it does not help to keep going back I suppose. Just look at the future and getting better

[KarenB14]

We have learned that other factors BESIDES parenting and abuse may "cause" BPD. I'd read that those with BPD have had a difficult birth or head injury more frequently than regular populations. We went through the same issues feeling like we'd done something to make one of four daughters have BPD. BUT, she had a difficult birth with some brain involvement as well as a later head injury from a bike accident when she was 9. We didn't necessarily note any personality disorder, but she was clingy as a little one and when she was mad at any of us it was black and white. Everything was.

She's now 38. I was coming here to be with those who know what I have gone through. Now I see maybe I can offer some comfort in the possibility that something else, not parenting, not abuse is a cause.

We don't know enough about brains and genetics yet to say for certain what causes this. For instance, one of my daughters is working on her degree in genetics and has talked with me a lot about epigenomes. To simplify, they are on/off switches on genes. There has been a study of incarcerated women. So far, one gene, when turned "on" by abuse OR CRISIS as children will often become alcoholics or addicts or end up incarcerated. Those same genetically PRONE people would not be alcoholic or addicts if the gene had NOT been "turned on" by circumstance. In men a new study of incarcerated men she was helping with, has found a link between childhood Vitamin D and the propensity for social disobedience.

So... .WHO KNOWS?

[qcarolr]

Most likely there are many paths to an individual having BPD, or other mental illness, as part of their life. There is variation in how it presents, at what age, how limiting it can be to functioning as a child and later as an adult, how responsive a person is to various supports and treatments -- or how open to doing the therapies and treatments.

As a loving parent, I have banged my head against the wall enough now. The answers will never be definitive with my DD27.

I try to remember that the past is done and there is not a 'do-over'. I have to find the energy to get myself as healthy - mind, body, spirit - as I can. Learn as many skills as i can, and practice them everywhere. Focus on those things beyond myself that I can have an influence with - ie. my gd8, my marriage, my job, other family, building stronger friendships... .

Then I may be able to find a way to become a healthy element in my DD27's life. For now, she is figuring it out without me. And I have to let her.

qcr