What the?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

The first time I heard of Borderline was in my abnormal psych class ten years ago. When I researched further, I could not believe I had a name for the hell that was my life. My mother and sister, and I suspect my stepmother all exhibit the signs. I had a template and literature to help me detangle myself and look at my life. I can't say it was all up from there. I keep a safe distance emotionally and physically from my Mother, as much as you can when they still throw drama bombs out of the blue. My sister, I have exiled completely. I simply do not have the strength. I just don't see the point. It seems like to much work, examining, tip toeing and hyper vigilance.

I already know the drill, the hate and love, the high anxiety drama that will be used to lure me back in to her life, I suspect this time will be a some end of the world self induced crisis that will trigger within me the empathy she lacks and the need to please. Frankly, I am over myself and the self destructive reactive nature I developed because of my BPD Mom/Sis. Why is this disorder so prevalent? How does this come about? Where did the fragility come from? Post WW11 baby boom, 9-5, bored out of our mind structured life where people were tethered to an idea of normalcy the soul rejected? A legacy of divorce that left a generation of children lost and without foundation? Why women more than men? I am so insanely curious as to why? Really why. I tried to see why, what it was in my mom/sis life that created this alternate safe world of chaos to ease the aching pain of rejection. The destruction BPD creates leaches into peoples lives and leaves scares, emotional scares that baffle the most brilliant of scholars. The mind ery, the insatiable need for drama, the kind that involves in depth lies, covert divide and concur motives, a seek and destroy. Brilliant propaganda campaigns that make Cold War Soviet Union look like godamn Disneyland. It baffles me. I am baffled that so much of my life has been surviving the next campaign. Anticipating. Joyless days with a funk of highly torched anxiety, nerves frayed. Unable to feel my life. I have a name now, for the disease or the Thing, The Nothing. I am horrified that I WASTED years believing. I don't care if she gets help. I have to find a way to feel my life. Let it penetrate me instead of walking around like doom on toast. The doom never was. I was born happy to a miserably broken bird. I must have a chance.

[solacruz]

Hello,

The first time I heard of Borderline was in my abnormal psych class ten years ago. When I researched further, I could not believe I had a name for the hell that was my life. My mother and sister, and I suspect my stepmother all exhibit the signs. I had a template and literature to help me detangle myself and look at my life. I can't say it was all up from there. I keep a safe distance emotionally and physically from my Mother, as much as you can when they still throw drama bombs out of the blue. My sister, I have exiled completely. I simply do not have the strength. I just don't see the point. It seems like to much work, examining, tip toeing and hyper vigilance.

I already know the drill, the hate and love, the high anxiety drama that will be used to lure me back in to her life, I suspect this time will be a some end of the world self induced crisis that will trigger within me the empathy she lacks and the need to please. Frankly, I am over myself and the self destructive reactive nature I developed because of my BPD Mom/Sis. Why is this disorder so prevalent? How does this come about? Where did the fragility come from? Post WW11 baby boom, 9-5, bored out of our mind structured life where people were tethered to an idea of normalcy the soul rejected? A legacy of divorce that left a generation of children lost and without foundation? Why women more than men? I am so insanely curious as to why? Really why. I tried to see why, what it was in my mom/sis life that created this alternate safe world of chaos to ease the aching pain of rejection. The destruction BPD creates leaches into peoples lives and leaves scares, emotional scares that baffle the most brilliant of scholars. The mind ery, the insatiable need for drama, the kind that involves in depth lies, covert divide and concur motives, a seek and destroy. Brilliant propaganda campaigns that make Cold War Soviet Union look like godamn Disneyland. It baffles me. I am baffled that so much of my life has been surviving the next campaign. Anticipating. Joyless days with a funk of highly torched anxiety, nerves frayed. Unable to feel my life. I have a name now, for the disease or the Thing, The Nothing. I am horrified that I WASTED years believing. I don't care if she gets help. I have to find a way to feel my life. Let it penetrate me instead of walking around like doom on toast. The doom never was. I was born happy to a miserably broken bird. I must have a chance.

[Octoberfest]

Hey solacruz,

I am sorry to hear about what you have been dealing with concerning your mother and your sister.  You ask a lot of good questions. One of the most common questions that people with family members, lovers, or children who have BPD ask is "Why? Why does my loved one have this disorder?".  Unfortunately, there is no concrete answer.  There is generally no ONE factor which accounts for it.

I think you may find this information useful:

Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder

What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Additionally, I think you may find some understanding in the following article:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Where is it that you want to go from here? Do you want to try and mend your relationship with your mother or your sister? Are you looking for healing? We are here to help.

Glad you have found us here!

Octoberfest

[solacruz]

Thank you for the links,,very helpful. As to the question of what I want, I do not know. I do not know if I want a relationship with them because I do not believe you can have a relationship with a tornado. I am more interested in healing myself and tuning in to a healthier life. I was broken because my view of the world was not a safe one. I do not see any good coming from a relationship with them because I only see the giant hurdle that is BPD and how entrenched it is within them to survive. I am here to mend myself. I have suffered being in the FOG, and the result is years wasted fearful, and I blame myself. I did not have the tools or the security, the strength. I am sensitive and I adjusted who I was to comfort their insecurities and it breed resentment. I hope to use my experience to help others, to live an extraordinary life and find meaning and good in a life so tumultuous in the beginning. When I see happy, truly happy families, children nurtured, invested in, cared for and protected,I know it can be possible. I see how people from such environments are happy and can succeed. Some people should not be parents, not have plants for that matter. Because we need to raise people to be loved and happy, contribute and support. I will rebuild my foundation and use all the muck and crap as fertilizer. I used to be so sad and resentful when I would witness truly happy and functional families. Now, I see hope.