Relationship issues after growing up with uBPDm

[Mabel]

Hi everyone,

A few months ago I made a post detailing how I had left my home country where I lived alone with my single parent uBPDm and have started a new life abroad. That post outlined the difficulties I'm having in coming to realise the mark my mother has left on me in many ways.

While I am still coming to terms with that fact, things have improved personally for me and I have found myself in a new relationship. However relationships have always proven very difficult for me as they trigger many painful feelings associated with my childhood. For example, when I become very close to someone I frequently become irrationally convinced they will suddenly change their opinion of me and become contemptuous of my mere presence and no longer want me in anyway. I have no doubt this is linked to my past as unfortunately my mother engaged in this behaviour with me almost daily from as young an age as I can remember. As such I find myself needing a lot of reassurance in romantic relationships as I am in a perpetual state of insecurity. Perhaps this links to the insecure attachment style I have read about in children of BPD mothers, although I am not very familiar with that area.

This subtle neediness has naturally put a strain on all my previous relationships, and while I can frequently mask it to a certain degree it still does come through. I really care for this new person in my life, and he seems very understanding and unperturbed by this aspect of me which is a new experience for me. I know many will suggest explaining to him why I am like this and perhaps someday I will but for now we are too new for that and in any case we are from extremely different backgrounds and from the little I've told him it seems quite certain he can't understand what it means to grow up with a BPDm.

My question is if any of you have experienced similar insecurity in relationships? I should add that this only seems to manifest itself in my romantic relationships. I do not have a lot of close friends and many people would describe me as aloof and cold as in general I don't have much time for getting to know others well.

Finally I have also discovered a disturbing dynamic as I look back over my past relationships. I frequently am drawn to emotionally unavailable men who I subconsciously view as a challenge to win their affections. It took my years to realise the parallels between that type of relationship and the one I had with my mother. As her love was always conditional, I had to try and vie for it each day and it was frequently turned on and off. As such I think this dynamic is the only one I know and the only one I feel comfortable with. Men who seem to be offering me an unconditional love seem phoney and smothering and even repulse me, even though that's what I want most in this life.

I have no idea how to overcome these issues and I'm not sure I can as they have followed me around all these years and I am now 25 and no wiser. If anybody else has experienced anything similar I would love to hear from you.

Thanks,

Mabel

[freyja]

Mabel,

I have had similar issues with trusting others enough to form close relationships. I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful guy and at first had trouble with trusting his affection and motives. It took YEARS of him being complimentary to stop second guessing his motives behind telling me I've done something well.

What helped me was therapy. In therapy I mostly worked through my relationship with my mother. As I improved my boundaries and confidence around my relationship with my uBPD mother, my relationship with my husband improved and I have since made a few close friends I trust. I wish I could say there is a magic easy pill, but in total I have probably done 3 years of actual weekly to biweekly therapy over the last 5-6 years. I can do okay without therapy for awhile, but when a crisis hits, I seem to need that outside help to get my relationships back on track and to recognize some coping mechanisms that are not helping me. I have a feeling that I will always need therapy as new crises arise, in particular with raising my own daughter.

I now have a very open and honest relationship with my husband and discuss some of my issues that have arisen and been worked through with my therapist. Including some of my boundary issues with my mother.

I wish you well, and encourage you to look for a counselor with a good understanding of BPD.

~Freyja

[Ittookthislong]

same same. word for word.

i find myself also going above and beyond, trying to be supergirlfriend,just so that i can feel at ease. if i know i did everything i could to be as good as possible i know it wont be my fault if they "shut off", but im starting to realize its beyond my control and is taking up way too much of my energy