The Worst Feeling

[Octoberfest]

I was hanging out with someone tonight and, randomly, I remembered back to a period of time with my BPDex... .it was near the end of the relationship, when I was much more aware of the things going on... .things going on meaning her giving out her number to others, flirting with others, setting things up to cheat on me, cheating on me, etc.  It was happening all along but I was blissfully oblivious to it for the longest time. There was also one specific instance when I went with her and a bunch of my friends to her hometown for a softball tournament.  She brought with her "best friend" who is a lesbian that she was cheating on me with for a sizable portion of our relationship.  I spent the weekend being hidden from her family and many of her friends while she was off with this girl. I have never felt so invisible or unappreciated... .that feeling is the same one I felt for the longest time as I described in the beginning of the post... .it is what I have labeled "the worse feeling".  The feeling of your lover, your partner, the person you love unquestionably, unconditionally, sneaking around behind your back. The feeling of being invisible... .It felt like I was a child tugging on the sleeve of my mom whose attention was anywhere but on me.  I didn't have a childhood like that at all, but that is exactly what it felt like.  It is bringing me down now just to remember the feeling... .it is that bad. I felt undesirable, disposable, and unimportant.  All by the person who I valued and cared about those most.  Sorry, but it is fu*ked up, plain and simple. I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone.

I just needed to get that out... .I am sure others here have experienced it.  It just makes me want to break down and cry.

[Surnia]

A big hug  , Oktoberfest

Let it of your chest, its okay to cry.

[Ironmanrises]

I was hanging out with someone tonight and, randomly, I remembered back to a period of time with my BPDex... .it was near the end of the relationship, when I was much more aware of the things going on... .things going on meaning her giving out her number to others, flirting with others, setting things up to cheat on me, cheating on me, etc.  It was happening all along but I was blissfully oblivious to it for the longest time. There was also one specific instance when I went with her and a bunch of my friends to her hometown for a softball tournament.  She brought with her "best friend" who is a lesbian that she was cheating on me with for a sizable portion of our relationship.  I spent the weekend being hidden from her family and many of her friends while she was off with this girl. I have never felt so invisible or unappreciated... .that feeling is the same one I felt for the longest time as I described in the beginning of the post... .it is what I have labeled "the worse feeling".  The feeling of your lover, your partner, the person you love unquestionably, unconditionally, sneaking around behind your back. The feeling of being invisible... .It felt like I was a child tugging on the sleeve of my mom whose attention was anywhere but on me.  I didn't have a childhood like that at all, but that is exactly what it felt like.  It is bringing me down now just to remember the feeling... .it is that bad. I felt undesirable, disposable, and unimportant.  All by the person who I valued and cared about those most.  Sorry, but it is fu*ked up, plain and simple. I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone.

I just needed to get that out... .I am sure others here have experienced it.  It just makes me want to break down and cry.

I feel for you.

In bold.

That.

I felt that too.

In both rounds of relationship in devaluation.

She would speak and interact with everyone else but me.

I do not know if there was some other guy... .

But i do know all her attention shifted away from me... .

To her mother and bff.

That feeling of being invisible... .

Of not being acknowledged.

Grew.

Especially in round 2.

There is nothing more awful then that.

All by this person who i let back into my life after she abruptly left the first time.

Rebuilding my entire ironman suit.

[DeRetour]

Hey Octoberfest,

First off, big hug for you. That's not an easy thing to be thinking about. You know, it's really a sh!tty feeling - to feel invisible or hidden by your own significant other. Oh, I can totally relate to you there.

You know, I was in this last relationship for 14 months. And you know what? Each step of the way, in terms of commitment, seemed to just drag. It took her 5-6 months to even post a photo of me, not even of us together, but me, on her Instagram. And she was active in posting - she posted her meals out places. She posted photos of her girl friends. But nothing of me for months. If I brought it up to her (calmly and gently, I might add), she'd have a complete fit and withdraw. This kind of thing was the subject of half of our fights! So there was hiding me on Instagram. But then, it also took her 8 months to introduce me to anyone in her family! Hah! Her reasoning: "I just get so scared." or "Sh!t happens. What if we end up not together?"

I'd never faced this kind of insult in any previous relationships. I had felt reasonably confident enough in myself. (Granted, I had some latent issues of abandonment and abuse that would later surface with this past relationship.) And generally, my past girlfriends and ex-wife, never hesitated to introduce me to family/friends.  So, from this, I can now recognize something I'll have a boundary for in the next relationship.

Anyway, I vent sharing this... .but mostly I want to remind you that this is, certainly not unique. I'm sure in all of your own research on BPD, you've probably read of similar situations. But perhaps it helps to hear a real example too. This kind of thing is really not about you, how good of a boyfriend you were, or how intelligent or amazing you are,etc., this is about the disorder.  

So, Octoberfest. Thanks for stepping up and sharing your situation. Hang in there and continue on. It's good to be working through this stuff.

-deretour

[Ironmanrises]

Hey Octoberfest,

First off, big hug for you. That's not an easy thing to be thinking about. You know, it's really a sh!tty feeling - to feel invisible or hidden by your own significant other. Oh, I can totally relate to you there.

You know, I was in this last relationship for 14 months. And you know what? Each step of the way, in terms of commitment, seemed to just drag. It took her 5-6 months to even post a photo of me, not even of us together, but me, on her Instagram. And she was active in posting - she posted her meals out places. She posted photos of her girl friends. But nothing of me for months. If I brought it up to her (calmly and gently, I might add), she'd have a complete fit and withdraw. So there was hiding me on Instagram. But then, it also took her 8 months to introduce me to anyone in her family! Hah! Her reasoning: "I just get so scared." or "Sh!t happens. What if we end up not together?"

I'd never faced this kind of insult in any previous relationships. I had felt reasonably confident enough in myself. (Granted, I had some latent issues of abandonment and abuse that would later surface with this past relationship.) And generally, my past girlfriends and ex-wife, never hesitated to introduce me to family/friends.  So, from this, I can now recognize something I'll have a boundary for in the next relationship.

Anyway, I vent sharing this... .but mostly I want to remind you that this is, certainly not unique. I'm sure in all of your own research on BPD, you've probably read of similar situations. But perhaps it helps to hear a real example too. This kind of thing is really not about you, how good of a boyfriend you were, or how intelligent or amazing you are,etc., this is about the disorder.  

So, Octoberfest. Thanks for stepping up and sharing your situation. Hang in there and continue on. It's good to be working through this stuff.

-deretour



EDIT: Oh, I also wanted to say that it's good that you are recognizing some familiar feelings that echo childhood stuff. Have you been looking into that as well? I started doing so recently, and I think it's a step in the right direction towards healing.

My exUBPDgf only posted one pic of me and her on her instagram... .

A pic of me and her almost about to kiss... .

But you couldnt really see my face because of the angle she took pic of.

Insult?... .Without end.

And she too would be actively posting pics of her meals and friends constantly.

I brought this to her attention a few times... .

Her response, " stop being insecure, its just instagram"... .

This from the same woman who came back to me begging and crying... .

Saying "i want my man back."

Who couldnt even put pics of me and her on instagram.

My self esteem began a steep plummet thereafter.

Such similar horrifyingly awful behavior.

Mea culpa.

I allowed this.

[DeRetour]

Ironman,

Her response, " stop being insecure, its just instagram"... .

Oh man, that sounds almost exactly like my ex! Yikes. You know, that bit you mentioned about almost kissing in one photo, haha, it reminds me of a photo my exGF posted when we took a roadtrip. She brought her Polaroid camera with her and captured this pretty landscape. Then, she got her iphone out. She grabbed my hand to hold it. She had an idea:

Her: "Here... .let's hold this photo together. I wanna post a shot of us holding hands with this picture. Does that sound like a good idea?"

Me (smiling that she was taking initiative to post something of us, together): "Yes, of course sweetie."

Later when we're back in signal, and stopped off at another scenic point, she shows me some filters and asks for my opinion, then posts it. Later, I take a look at the photo. She chose a different filter - and mostly you see fingers holding up the Polaroid. Caption: "My fingers aren't really THAT big. It's just the shadow, I promise, LOL"

Yeah, when I start thinking about this stuff, shame (usually followed by anger) begins to take over any feelings of sorrow I have for my ex.

So sorry you dealt with that kind of sh!t. You know, again, it's just important to remember that this is part of the disorder.

Mea culpa.

Please don't be hard on yourself for it. It was a gesture of love and respect at the time. We've all done this.

[Reg]

Octoberfest,

Very sorry to hear that, seems our stories are somewhat similar on the cheating part.

I had almost the same kind of experiences with mine, as you may know.

I think we have to remind ourselves that we are the lucky ones, even after all the pain of the past relationship, we know this is not healthy, to stay stuck in that path in such a way.

We still have a choice.  They probably don't. I recently did get a link from a friend to remind about that as well.  I used to know my ex partner as a beautiful, much younger looking woman.  The link contained some photo's of her, and I did confront myself with them to see how strong I was by now.  

Actually she now looks like a young grandma in her early 50's, it was obvious she has recycled one of her ex GF's with BPD as well.  I looked in the mirror afterwards and felt great, it even motivated me to start my diet again to loose more weight.  :)enying both their BPD and alcohol problems, it is clear that they are not happy.  And they will never be in their situation.  

It were pics of er going out with her husband, to whom she's still married and living with, because financially she is unable to take care of herself, and with her recycled GF.  He is possibly NPD.

So to the outside of the world they are the happy couple, still married, and they go out together with her lover.  And he clearly agrees with it, as he had said he would never let her go no matter if she still loved him or not.  Seems they like it that way all together.  

Since that moment I have a feeling of thankfulness.

I look a lot better, I feel better, I am actually a lot happier then before, and to see these pics just did make me feel even better.  How lucky I am.

It took me some time to figure this out after the break up, it took me some time to figure out my own emotional problems, but I've grown so much in the last few months.  

Patience, you'll get there as well ! I'm convinced about that !

Don't let an old feeling get you down, learn from that old feeling for you own growth !  

[Ironmanrises]

Deretour,

I am so sorry.

Your ex sounds like mine.

Just awful.

Speaking of instagram... .

Towards the very end of round 2 of relationship... .

There was this one pic that she had liked on instagram(you know the feature where you can see what pics your followers like and what not)... .

That pic was a caption... .

Which said this... .

"I come.

I ___ ___ up.

I leave."

BPD?

Without a doubt.

I wanted to scream when i saw that.

It was literally a brief description of the god awful behavior they do.

And of course... .

She liked that pic.

[DeRetour]

Speaking of instagram... .

Towards the very end of round 2 of relationship... .

There was this one pic that she had liked on instagram(you know the feature where you can see what pics your followers like and what not)... .

That pic was a caption... .

Which said this... .

"I come.

I ___ ___ up.

I leave."

BPD?

Without a doubt.

I wanted to scream when i saw that.

It was literally a brief description of the god awful behavior they do.

And of course... .

She liked that pic.

Ironman,

Haha.

Wow.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Octoberfest.  It is the worst feeling.  I had something happen last weekend with my xBPDbf which reminded me of something that happened when we were first dating.  Something that should have been a big red flag that I chose to ignore.  It's hard to understand why someone who was so crappy to us can cause us such pain but I am with you.  Hang in there.