I admit I wish I still had someone

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys.

I owe it to myself to always be honest with myself and this board even if I feel a little embarrassed about things. I was heartbroken when my ex girlfriend left me like trash 8 months ago. For months I would always think what could I have done different but I had to accept BPD for what it is and let go. I'm nothing to her and that's life... .

In the meantime I've done all the right things. Career is going amazing. I spend time with friends... .Spoil myself a little for a change it has been good and I am embrassing life... .But honestly I feel like I'm missing out on love. It's something that is not in my life an awful lot and I do still feel very lonely. I do realise we have to be happy on our own and I'm getting there but something is definitely missing... .How has everyone been coping with these feelings. I do admit self worth is a little bit of an issue still but more so after coming out of a hurtful BPD relationship. Is it wrong of me to want someone to prove me wrong?

[snappafcw]

Hi guys.

I owe it to myself to always be honest with myself and this board even if I feel a little embarrassed about things. I was heartbroken when my ex girlfriend left me like trash 8 months ago. For months I would always think what could I have done different but I had to accept BPD for what it is and let go. I'm nothing to her and that's life... .

In the meantime I've done all the right things. Career is going amazing. I spend time with friends... .Spoil myself a little for a change it has been good and I am embrassing life... .But honestly I feel like I'm missing out on love. It's something that is not in my life an awful lot and I do still feel very lonely. I do realise we have to be happy on our own and I'm getting there but something is definitely missing... .How has everyone been coping with these feelings. I do admit self worth is a little bit of an issue still but more so after coming out of a hurtful BPD relationship. Is it wrong of me to want someone to prove me wrong?

[Ironmanrises]

I cant even look at other women.

Trying to rebuild my shattered ironman suit.

Focusing on torso area... .

Right where my heart is... .

Armor has to be far stronger there.

I need to heal.

Until i do this... .

I cannot put myself out there again.

Focus on yourself.

Heal.

[Xtrange]

snappafcw, I guess almost all of us -the nons- feel lonely and want to find love (or a soul mate). And I second your question.

Wow Ironmanfalls

I cant even look at other women.

I thought I was the only one who cant!

[thisyoungdad]

That is a great question. It was a year ago that things for me went south but in November will be a year since she told me firmly she wanted a divorce (2 days after wanting to move back in with me? Even the couple's therapist who knew she had BPD was shocked) and I still feel like you are describing. I have gone on half a dozen dates with different women, all fantastic I am sure, and nothing for me though. I just can't do it yet. I want to be with someone, I feel like where my life is at I desire the things I thought we had together but I just can't go there yet and that is hard because it is like being pulled in two directions. I just need more time I think.

[Reg]

Hi snappafcw,

I can understand your feeling very well, I've been there myself.  Did you work on your own issues ?

I've learned that by doing so I became a lot more confident on my emotional life.  I'm actually flirting again, learned to know new people.  I'm not in a relationship yet.  But that may change soon.  Or not.  It's not something that I loose sleep on.  I know I will find that person, that it will be without the idealisation, a realistic healthy relationship.  Which everybody deserves to have.  It may be next week or next month or whenever... .

After the chaos in our lives, we often do not miss our past relationship, sometimes unknowingly, but a relationship.  Give it time ! 

Reg

[DeRetour]

Hey Snap,

I owe it to myself to always be honest with myself and this board even if I feel a little embarrassed about things.

First off, thanks for sharing this.

In the meantime I've done all the right things. Career is going amazing. I spend time with friends... .Spoil myself a little for a change it has been good and I am embrassing life... .

and it's good to hear that these parts of your life are going well.

But honestly I feel like I'm missing out on love. It's something that is not in my life an awful lot and I do still feel very lonely. I do realise we have to be happy on our own and I'm getting there but something is definitely missing... .How has everyone been coping with these feelings. I do admit self worth is a little bit of an issue still but more so after coming out of a hurtful BPD relationship. Is it wrong of me to want someone to prove me wrong?

Ah. This is definitely something I find myself thinking about a lot. And these are good questions, Snap. My immediate thought is that I think it completely depends on the person/circumstance.

Thanks for posing the question. I know for me, I feel painfully lonely. When I examine my own feelings about my uBPD-exGF, I realize that most of what's there is an unstable compound of emotions: sorrow (for her and her pain), anger, shame, and some confusion, although more and more I'm accepting that this is simply the disorder. You know, it's hard for me to leave home at first. And on weekends... .ooff! I step out and right away I'm aware of just how single I am. I have no one to hold in my arms, no one to hold my hand walking around town... .no one to come home to. That effing sucks, it stings deep down into my core. It scares me to be honest. That said, I know I'm far from ready to be in a relationship with anyone. My nerves still feel shot. My libido has certainly plummeted. And... oh, I find that I still (since we're being honest here) break down into tears several times a day. So yes, I feel a desperately strong need for loving and tenderness, but I'm far from ready to be a whole other half of a healthy relationship.

Each of us works through things at our own pace. You'll have a good idea when you feel ready, I'm quite sure. In addition to taking these other steps forward in life, are you seeing a therapist?  That self-worth stuff really is important. My thought is that it's good to really work on feeling good as you. You are worth it.

deretour

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Yep I hear what your sayin! I miss being loved, being able to cuddle and be intimate, sharing life together, that feeling of joy and great love, (in being loved), making love, talking.

I just feel sad that I picked the wrong person to try all that with or one that wasn't willing to heal himself and join me on this wonderful journey through life.

Still sad, and definately very vulnerable, cannot imagine looking toward getting into another relationship for quite some time, if it happens ever now.

Thanks for letting me share

Roller

[Learning_curve74]

I don't mind being alone per se, but being in a loving relationship with a partner/significant other is very enriching. Or at least it should be. That is one of the damaging aspects of a relationship with a pwBPD, sometimes I felt very alone when we were supposed to feel together.

I do miss the nuts and bolts stuff too like going out together, having meals together, hanging out, being intimate, etc too. Many people I know are married or in LTR, so it makes me feel like a fifth wheel sometimes hanging out with them and being single. And now I probably feel a little jealous and insecure to boot.

[snappafcw]

Thanks for your kind replies everyone I really appreciate it.

I still see love as something that just happens to other people. When I see other people who aren't always nice for example getting girlfriends etc I just don't understand it but I'm happy for them all the same. I know the focus should be on me and It is but I can't help feeling the way I feel.

[momtara]

Nothing wrong with what you just said.  I feel the same way.  I can enjoy tons of things on my own and I'm pretty independent, but those things (food, hobbies, etc) don't keep you warm at night, make you smile, hug you, etc.  There is someone great out there for you, but I know those in-between times can seem long.  There are women like me out there who get lonely too and think it's pointless to try to seek out love.  It's ok to be lonely and wish you were with someone.  It just has to be the right person.  And many of us women really DO like nice guys - but we can't always find them.

[snappafcw]

I think thats a problem for me... .party my fault because im a successful DJ in the entertainment industry. I'm a little older than some of the girls I meet and we don't really share the same values... .They seem to want that Jersey Shore kind of guy its actually a little sad to be honest. Each to their own I guess... .Thanks for the encouragement Momtara I'm not looking but like you mentioned there is a void.

[AliveButBeatup]

Nothing wrong with what you just said.  I feel the same way.  I can enjoy tons of things on my own and I'm pretty independent, but those things (food, hobbies, etc) don't keep you warm at night, make you smile, hug you, etc.  There is someone great out there for you, but I know those in-between times can seem long.  There are women like me out there who get lonely too and think it's pointless to try to seek out love.  It's ok to be lonely and wish you were with someone.  It just has to be the right person.  And many of us women really DO like nice guys - but we can't always find them.

Thanks for saying that.  It gives me hope there is someone out there who will appreciate me.  My therapist says I am a great guy. My lady friends say I am a great guy.  My mother says I am a great guy, but that one doesn't count (she has to say that).  My self-esteem has been beat-up and it is going to take some nursing before I can be with someone intimately.  I just very recently separated from a woman with BPD I married on 12/12/12.  The signs were there before I got married, but I chose to ignore them. I hope to be smarter about it next time.

I too will miss the cuddling. Eating breakfast together. My new family of 3 step kids I grew to love.  When times were good, they were good.  But I also need to keep a clear memory of the bad times.  Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. Destruction of property. Manipulation. The lies.

Alive But Beatup

[Ironmanrises]

Xstrange,

After I first learned of her BPD in tail end/aftermath of round 1 of relationship... .

That was the first major disruption to my naive idyll on the planet.

When she came back 3 months later... .

And left me again... .

That was when my naive idyll on the planet ended.

I see that other side... .

You know... .

That awful side... .

All around.

[AliveButBeatup]

Xstrange,

After I first learned of her BPD in tail end/aftermath of round 1 of relationship... .

That was the first major disruption to my naive idyll on the planet.

When she came back 3 months later... .

And left me again... .

That was when my naive idyll on the planet ended.

I see that other side... .

You know... .

That awful side... .

All around.

Very well said Ironman.

I need to keep myself strong and avoid falling for the "I am really sorry for my behavior message" which it seems always inevitably comes from a BPD person.  How many cycles of that does one need before they don't fall for it.

Alive But Beat-up

[confusedhubby]

Hi snappafcw.

Thank you for sharing.

It is safe to say that we are all in the same boat as you are.

This is because people with BPD are very manipulative and there fear of abandonment makes them toy with the non's emotions to suit there needs. They want the non to be emotionally beaten at the end of the relationship as it boosts there fragile ego. The best way I can describe it is that they reel you in emotionally all the while they are detaching. Toying with your heart as they salivate over the there next prey. Then they paint you black. End result is that they leave you wounded and vulnerable and not knowing what hit you.

I myself am very apprehensive about entering into any type of serious relationship. Never do I want to be damaged like this again. It scares me to think what my diagnosed BPD wife of 14 years did to me. Just ruined me and the kids for her complete self-interest. The worst of it is the impact on the children. Imagine trying to explain the abandonment actions of a BPD mother to children.

[confusedhubby]

Ironman.

Hang in there.  You are better than her and stronger. Things will get better.

[AliveButBeatup]

Hi snappafcw.

Thank you for sharing.

It is safe to say that we are all in the same boat as you are.

This is because people with BPD are very manipulative and there fear of abandonment makes them toy with the non's emotions to suit there needs. They want the non to be emotionally beaten at the end of the relationship as it boosts there fragile ego. The best way I can describe it is that they reel you in emotionally all the while they are detaching. Toying with your heart as they salivate over the there next prey. Then they paint you black. End result is that they leave you wounded and vulnerable and not knowing what hit you.

I myself am very apprehensive about entering into any type of serious relationship. Never do I want to be damaged like this again. It scares me to think what my diagnosed BPD wife of 14 years did to me. Just ruined me and the kids for her complete self-interest. The worst of it is the impact on the children. Imagine trying to explain the abandonment actions of a BPD mother to children.

As my therapist says, there is no reward without risk. The majority of people do want an intimate and satisfying relationship. You can't get there by insulating yourself. I am going through that myself.  It is going to be a struggle for sure, but I do want is on the other side.

Alive But Beat-up

[Mutt]

Then they paint you black. End result is that they leave you wounded and vulnerable and not knowing what hit you.

Not knowing what hit would have worked if a family member did not come forward after the split and I can't fathom the pain of not knowing and believing everything the BPD projects unto you really belongs to you.

I miss the family constellation and living/sharing with someone else. It was tough as hell the first few months coming home to no noise from the kids, no spouse to talk to and share my day with.

I've noticed a few women looking at me but I can't reciprocate. I still need time. I'm not even going to flirt with the idea of dating until we've been split officially for a year.

[Mutt]

I wanted to comment on this.

I myself am very apprehensive about entering into any type of serious relationship. Never do I want to be damaged like this again. It scares me to think what my diagnosed BPD wife of 14 years did to me. Just ruined me and the kids for her complete self-interest. The worst of it is the impact on the children. Imagine trying to explain the abandonment actions of a BPD mother to children.

I flirted with this idea as well out of anger. But I will be more vigilant with boundaries from the start. I'll get into a LTR again, not sure if I'm going to get married again though. Having been married to someone that is only in it for better and not worse and it's just papers, really took it out of me. Either way, she's exposed my core issues that I should have dealt with and can deal with now.

[MovingOnForLife]

I don't mind being alone per se, but being in a loving relationship with a partner/significant other is very enriching. Or at least it should be. That is one of the damaging aspects of a relationship with a pwBPD, sometimes I felt very alone when we were supposed to feel together.

My stbx uBPDh and I were married for 12 years and I felt totally alone for 8 of them.

We've only been separated for a little over 3 months but I feel I'm ready to start going out, meeting people and maybe spending time with a nice guy.  I'm not ready for a relationship, but I would like companionship.  As I said before, I've been with companionship for 8 long years.

[Ironmanrises]

Alive,

Thank you.

I cannot go through another cycle.

It would kill me.

Confused,

Thank you.

You as well.

I know you are enduring alot.

I too felt completely alone in both rounds of relationship.

Especially in round 2.

As soon as she was triggered... .

It was as if she mentally vacated the relationship.

I do not know how else to describe it.

Her words of "I want my man back" when she begged and cried for me to let her back into my life... .

Evaporated into a fine mist... .

And the wind just blew those droplets in all directions.

I still remember her saying that to me.

Hurts.

On all levels.

[snappafcw]

Sigh... .Sometimes i question if im normal. Thanks again.

[Jbt857]

Me too. I'm a newbie here, and was doing good until the past few weeks. I told myBPDh of 9 years I was done in February. It had been disintegrating a long time before that.

When he left, things were good. I'd been through T, understood my feelings, that it couldn't be fixed, and the blessed relief of not having that stress and his endless dramas in my life felt good. There were struggles, but i was looking forward, positive, and generally optimistic.

Then, almost a month ago, I crashed. My friend was talking about my ex, and how much he used to adore me. Ouch. He did, in his way (and to the outside world). Of course, it was just a facade, but I missed it.

He and I had been LC, but he always had things here in my home after he'd left, and he would find reason to keep contact. (Until I'd come to this site, I'd never really questioned that before - duh). We'd been getting on better again, and I saw a glimmer of hope. A few weeks ago, when I was at my vulnerable best, he dropped the bomb he'd replaced me. Bam.

And the wheels kinda fell off for a while. I was lonely. Really lonely. It hurt so bad. All of a sudden, from doing okay, to rock bottom. That's when I found this site. And reading other experiences has helped immensely. Like others, the reality was that I'd been married and alone simultaneously a long time before.

Loneliness is normal. Missing them is normal. Those rock bottom days are normal. Not nice, but normal. Just part of our healing process. I lost sight of that for a while. But by getting out there (not necessarily dating, just doing stuff), knowing you're not alone and trying to recognise its all part if the process. You can't have the highs without the lows. But it will get better.

Hang in there.