Ex wants me back

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been separated from my wife for about seven months now.

We have to meet as we have a daughter together. She is making it clear that she wants me back.

It’s easy to forget the bad times and (once again) start believing that she has changed. I know that we would just go right back to where we were.

Just wanted to post as I feel weak at the moment.

[ZigofZag]

I have been separated from my wife for about seven months now.

We have to meet as we have a daughter together. She is making it clear that she wants me back.

It’s easy to forget the bad times and (once again) start believing that she has changed. I know that we would just go right back to where we were.

Just wanted to post as I feel weak at the moment.

[Reg]

ZigofZag

Sorry to hear that !

There's nothing wrong with feeling weak, it just shows there was a lot of love from your side.

Did you wife get diagnosed on BPD ? Or is she aware of it being BPD ?

[ZigofZag]

Hi Reg,

It's a bit weird. She started with MIND (the mental health charity) but did not continue with the sessions, so we went as a couple, again, she stopped attending. The therapist told me that there was little point in couples counselling with only me attending (!) and would I like to carry on alone. I agreed and over the next few weeks our crazy relationship started to make sense. It was at the end of my one on one sessions I was advised to read "walking on egg shells" and seek this site out. He said that he could not diagnose my wife in her absence and that she needs to return to them (MIND), which she didn't. We have had interventions over the last six years from the community mental health team, community psychiatric nurse, crisis teams, psychosis early intervention team, the police, anger management teams, self harming support centres, Gp's , ambulance service and now Children & young peoples service (following the birth of our daughter).

We live in England and it is very hard to get a diagnosis over here. MIND have a six month waiting list. My wife needs to be properly diagnosed and receive the help she deserves (for the good of us all but most especially our daughter).

The health and support services are treating the symptoms and not getting to the core issue. As it was put to me by the MIND therapist, "she ticks all the boxes for BPD but you can't tell her. If you do then a) you may take away the last bit of self respect she has for herself &/or b) she may just blame all her behaviour on the BPD". As it happens she has always blamed her behaviour on "her illness" which is undefined for her and it must be a very frustrating place to be in.

I feel that we are lagging behind a bit in the UK on BPD and I wish MIND had more funding. Quite how my wife will find her way through to direct diagnosis is unclear. I could help but it could appear that I am manipulating.

So, the answer is yes and no I guess. Is there a list of BPD specialists in the UK that are publicly funded?

I am empty, emotionally, financially and physically. I am recovering from the violence and control. If there is a way to signpost and stay uninvolved I would welcome it. ANY advice is thankfully received. I look forward to being in a position when I too could be a sponsor of this site as it has been there for me through some very tough times. I signed up as soon as I was advised (back in 2011?) to by the therapist!

I have stopped trying to be the "rescuer" am no longer going to be the "victim" either and need to rebuild.

[Aussie0zborn]

Sorry to hear of your situation. You are quite right however, you only  go right back to where you were when you get back together again. I understand your position and with all the intervention there is still no diagnosis. Don't give up - do what you have to do.

[Reg]

Hi,

From what I hear there's indeed a very good chance this may be BPD.

I'm glad to hear you did give the answer yourself : "I have stopped trying to be the "rescuer" am no longer going to be the "victim" either and need to rebuild."

This is the realisation that your ex partner is not going to change, or that she has not changed.  If it is borderline or even another problem, it will not solve itself... . She will not change.  Keep reminding yourself about this, it may help.  

You can even just hang out a piece of paper in the house for yourself just saying this as a reminder a few times a day.

The only person who can convince her to seek help is herself.  If you would like to convince her, that is not manipulating, there are some lessons and articles here that can be of help.  But she has to decide for herself.

There are some tools that can be interesting on this matter as you both have a daughter and contact can not be avoided : Staff Article - Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

I would also like to ask if any of the members here from the UK have any advice on this matter of publicly funded BPD specialists ?

Take care !

Reg

[ZigofZag]

Thanks Reg / AussieOzborn,

Good link and good advice.

I have been cruising the board and see that I am (once again) not alone with this struggle. Some other members have gone back, even for a short time, and it has knocked them badly. I need to keep on the rebuild.

There are printed posters around the house as reminders. My favourite is "There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough"

Onwards!

[clairedair]

Is there a list of BPD specialists in the UK that are publicly funded?

Hi ZigofZag,

I'm in the UK too and spent some time last week trying to find a therapist with some experience of BPD - it does seem to be the case that there's more information around than a few years ago but most of the stuff I find about BPD is from US.   I also think that most of the UK literature concentrates on 'low functioning' pwBPD whereas my ex was high functioning.

I tried the BACP website:

itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

It provides a drop down list of type of 'Reason for Therapy' but no mention of personality disorders - nearest I could get was 'abuse'.

I've just found another website via the MIND Contacts page that does offer 'personality disorders' as a specialism:

www.cbtregisteruk.com/Default.aspx

If you find a therapist on these sites, google the name and see if they also work in NHS/charity setting if finances are an issue.  Are you looking for a therapist with experience of BPD for yourself?

I have stopped trying to be the "rescuer" am no longer going to be the "victim" either and need to rebuild.

sounds like a healthier place to be for you and your daughter (and probably your wife as well).  I reconciled many times over a period of years - partly because exH was seeing Ts - didn't work.  Pattern repeated over and over.  Pain repeated over and over.  I think if I had been more focussed on rebuilding my own life, I may not have been so susceptible to the recycles.  I would be in a much better place now than I am if I had stuck a poster up like you and Reg!

take care

Claire

[desperatehubby]

Hi ZigofZag

I too am in the UK. I agree with what you say about the UK lagging behind.

I am just separating from my uBPDw after 7 years marriage, 11 years together in total.

There is a Yahoo group/website called Carers4pd

The guy that runs that can often get through to more specialised services in the Uk.

Not trying to drag you away from here, but it may be another place to try.

desperatehubby

[ZigofZag]

Thanks Clairdair / Desperatehubbie,

I will try the recommendations. I am not looking for any therapy myself, looking to signpost my wife/mother in-law. My wife is now living with the in-laws and they are facing the same "episodes" that I had to deal with over the last six years. They don't know where to turn and are getting frustrated with the various care agencies lack of understanding.

All the best!

[ZigofZag]

There is a Yahoo group/website called Carers4pd

The guy that runs that can often get through to more specialised services in the Uk.

Not trying to drag you away from here, but it may be another place to try.

desperatehubby

Thanks for this. It is worth noting that there is a list of UK help which can be accessed from the front page without having to log in as a user (although I have done that as well). It is unclear if there are any public funds for any of them but I have some leads to get moving on 

[momtara]

I know the feeling - I get tempted to go back to my hubby and it is easy to just think of the good times.  Seems like you have to set an ultimatum for her, a list of what she'd have to do in order for you to consider getting back together.  And she'd have to start doing it before you get back together.  Counseling is a must.

[ZigofZag]

I've just found another website via the MIND Contacts page that does offer 'personality disorders' as a specialism:

www.cbtregisteruk.com/Default.aspx[/quote]
Superb, thanks ever so much Claire !

[ZigofZag]

I know the feeling - I get tempted to go back to my hubby and it is easy to just think of the good times.  Seems like you have to set an ultimatum for her, a list of what she'd have to do in order for you to consider getting back together.  And she'd have to start doing it before you get back together.  Counseling is a must.

I did this once, it took weeks for it all to fall apart again. I am looking for professionals in the area that have experience of personality disorders. That is not something I have done before. Problem is if I start thinking about the chance of getting back together then I feel as though I am going backwards. Soo much pain. I must remember that to stay focused