I am so disgusted wth my self.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Not sure where to post this but it is my inventory.

Everyone, I just couldn't take it anymore   After a year of being belittled from a man who is a mess. and hs hurt me over and over.  I did it.  I spent two days doing exactly what he had done to me.   My God, I said the most evil horrifying awful things.   And you know what, I am really not very sorry.   The only thing that I am sorry about is that I didn't do this sooner.   My God for two days I took his horrible chldhood and his divorce and his kids and his family and I slaughter him and them, just as he would do to me for a year.   I took every secret he told me and twisted it into some mess to and told him I hoped he cracked under pressure and God help who ever is around.   I told him I cheated the entire year.   I said I hated his kids, his family.   I said I knew he was sleeping with his ex wife.   All along knowing my behavior was wrong and I didn't care people.   Five years of AA five years of trying to hand it over to my higher power and I just went off.  The worst of the worst.   I called him by his Dad's name and made fun of his appearance and what scares me people.   Is I don't care.  He never skipped a beat.  Just went on and on with it.   I thought for sure, he would paint me black or do something.   All I did was stoop to his level and I have to admit I enjoyed it a bit.   More than I should have.   So I what does this make me now. BPD, Crazy, Provoker.   What am I  now?  

[drv3006]

Not sure where to post this but it is my inventory.

Everyone, I just couldn't take it anymore   After a year of being belittled from a man who is a mess. and hs hurt me over and over.  I did it.  I spent two days doing exactly what he had done to me.   My God, I said the most evil horrifying awful things.   And you know what, I am really not very sorry.   The only thing that I am sorry about is that I didn't do this sooner.   My God for two days I took his horrible chldhood and his divorce and his kids and his family and I slaughter him and them, just as he would do to me for a year.   I took every secret he told me and twisted it into some mess to and told him I hoped he cracked under pressure and God help who ever is around.   I told him I cheated the entire year.   I said I hated his kids, his family.   I said I knew he was sleeping with his ex wife.   All along knowing my behavior was wrong and I didn't care people.   Five years of AA five years of trying to hand it over to my higher power and I just went off.  The worst of the worst.   I called him by his Dad's name and made fun of his appearance and what scares me people.   Is I don't care.  He never skipped a beat.  Just went on and on with it.   I thought for sure, he would paint me black or do something.   All I did was stoop to his level and I have to admit I enjoyed it a bit.   More than I should have.   So I what does this make me now. BPD, Crazy, Provoker.   What am I  now?  

[myself]

I'd say you were a mirror to him. You blew off steam. You're human.

If those actions aren't what you would usually do, at least you are aware of it and honest to admit it.

You may not feel very sorry now, but if at some later point you do, don't be too hard on yourself. Learn from it, improve yourself and whatever situation you are in, and move on.

[Surnia]

I agree with myself, you are human and as a human we can loose our containment.

What you can do here on Inventory: Explore what is behind this.

Did you get triggered by something, so that something from your past is coming up?

Is it bc you let him overstep for a long while your own values and boundaries?

Are you very exhausted?

The 3 questions are examples, things I ask my self when I get angry. There are other possibiliies I guess.

[nolisan]

In the end (11 months ago) I did something that was out of character for me. I woke her up and told her to GTFO.

It was quite mean (emotionally) and I knew it would hurt her. It felt good to "get even" for all of her many hurts against me. Sometimes it still does.

But I am remorseful for hurting another being even though all of my friends said I did what needed to be done and I did.

The upside is that I never have heard from her again and that's a good thing!

I hope you find peace with your action.

[briefcase]

It's easy to "explode" like this when we keep a lot of resentment bottled up for a long time.  Eventually you hit your limit, don't care anymore, and let the venom flow. Does that sound about right?  If so, why do you suppose you let yourself get that far down this path over the last year?   

[Lucky Jim]

Hi drv, it sounds like you have a case of fleas.    .  They are catching, you know!  Seriously, I had the same problem when my frustration level reached a breaking point that I stooped to the level of my uBPDexW by swearing at her and calling her names, which is totally not me!  I am a "take-the-high-road" kind of person, yet I was taunted, goaded and provoked to the point that I lashed out in the same fashion that she did towards me.  Not proud of it, either, but on the other hand, I am not Mahatma Gandhi and neither are you.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[froggy]

Did this too the last big blow up... I very rarely lose it and this time I REALLY lost it.

I became him... .his big thing is to say... "oh sure blame me... it's ALL my fault"

Well this time I agreed with him... .YES he IS the reason our son is so mentally messed up... .I just couldn't stop myself... I'd held it in for so long... taken the blame for EVERYTHING in the last 30 years.

I wasn't proud but I sure wasn't sorry. Things got really quiet after that as it's not how I usually am.

The kids(21&22 at the time) were trying to get me to apologize. ... I just didn't want to... I WASN'T sorry... .I figured he has never apologized to me once  for anything he had ever said or done to me up to that point... .why should I have to?

I feel bad now... wasn't my best moment. .things really changed after that... .I just really emotionally detached from him... stopped caring for my own self preservation. Started looking online to figure out what was wrong with him... always thought maybe bipolar... but it didn't quite fit... .then looked up bipolar + rage... up came BPD... .bingo! Bought the book swoes... .cried... left it out for him to read... think he read a bit... he doesn't think he has a problem... refuses ti take any meds... can't drink when on them.

All I can do is work on my own issues... then figure out if I stay or go.