Wishing I hadn't unloaded on Friday

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm posting this here because right now, I don't think I can let go of this, despite the great progress I made over most of the late Spring and part of the summer. I'm actually aching that we have exploded again. Only took a month for it to blow up.

His birthday is Thursday. He treated me very sketchy on Friday after an intimate encounter and then I just unloaded because I couldn't continue to ignore all the little red flags and weird behavior. I haven't heard from him since Friday night. My verbal lashing at him has driven him away. I doubt he'll call. Further, I believe that he is obligated to the other woman for his birthday festivities.  That's another reason I believe he is so stressed and upset. He can successfully hide the relationships from both of us until it comes time for his birthday.

He has always gone ultra dysregulated for his birthday. Every year he just withdrawals and gets mean and unrecognizable.

Do borderlines have difficulty with birthdays too? Is this yet another issue for them? He even admits that he gets "wigged out" for his birthday.

Any advice? I'm just over here shredded, crying and aching, wishing I hadn't unloaded on Friday. I constantly ride the fence of trying to tolerate his bizarre behavior but putting my foot down to maintain my own self respect.

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[waverider]

Big occasions do overwhelm them, I think it has a lot to do with having to deal with others and have things organized and feeling trapped.

Dont fret too much about unloading, you are human you can't have your carers hat on all the time. In fact as my ability to handle the Disorder has improved then the more likely I am to "unload", because I am less afraid of the whole thing possible consequencies anymore. Regular folks unload, this is 'normal" it is freeing.

Walking on eggshells has its basis in the fear of consequencies of upsetting people. Dealing with  Disorder is always a few steps forward and a few steps back, this is just a few steps back, and you probably learnt a few things as a consequence, that is the few steps forward that will come out of it.

The main thing you will learn about letting your feelings be known is not to do it in a reactionary way, that is as a lash back. If you are going to let it all out, then it needs to be clear concise, thought out and at an appropriate time whereby you can safely disengage. May sound cold, but if you have to get stuff off your chest it is best to do it in the most constructive way. Bottling stuff up breeds resentment and can give them a clear sheet to do whatever they like.

Thats the ideal, but we are not always capable of being ideal so dont beat yourself up about it hindsight.

[Siamese Rescue]

Thank you for your valuable insight. It is much appreciated.

Perhaps this should be a separate post, but I'm curious whether I should text or call him on his birthday, drop a card off on his car.  Ignore and do nothing. 

I read about how to handle men who exhibit bad behavior and I wonder if those little pieces of advice like "don't call him" "ignore him" are useful with men who are NORMAL but not appropriate for a borderline.  I have no clue.

Does it even matter? Right now I'm painted black and I suspect he might be gone again for good this time. I don't know whether to acknowledge his birthday or not.

[eeyore]

If you are going to let it all out, then it needs to be clear concise, thought out and at an appropriate time whereby you can safely disengage.

Could you provide an example?  It would help me to remember your example when I am challenged. 

[myself]

Siamese Rescue,

I've gone through so many recycles I've lost track, and wouldn't want to know the real number at this point. But YES, holidays, birthdays, family stuff--- All of those, and more, can be a trigger. I myself do not have BPD but can feel triggered around those times. My ex wasn't all that keen on too much attention being put on her, and when it was, she'd go off into her own world more. Often leading to fights and grudges between she and I, her and her friend, you get the picture. Rages mixed with silent treatment.

If it's his birthday and you feel to wish him a happy one, do so. It's about you, too, this choice. It doesn't mean you're saying come back and hurt your feelings some more. Or does it? What are the intentions? To stay hooked in? To share something special with someone you care about? Where does this fit in with how you felt in similar situations when you were little? Some of what we're going through is old unfinished business.

I unloaded a while ago, too, and while I stand by everything I said, every question, every feeling, knowing I was living up to my own boundaries and being as kind about it as I could, I wish it would have been said during a calmer conversation. Not that that actually happens very often in these kinds of relationships, but it would have been better. I'm ok with how it happened, I'm human and that stuff needed to be expressed. We haven't spoken since. Too many ups and downs with this. Patterns can change.

[waverider]

If you are going to let it all out, then it needs to be clear concise, thought out and at an appropriate time whereby you can safely disengage.

Could you provide an example?  It would help me to remember your example when I am challenged. 

An example for me would be the fact that basic household chores are usually left for me, the mundane stuff. She is never going to be a domestic queen so its a fight not worth having, but at times I get frazzled over the lack of effort. The time not to bring this up is when you are in a rush to get stuff done and you are getting resentful of the lack of help, and, or that extra neediness request you don't need to hear.

Dont bring this up when it needs doing but when you are both rested, preferably in the morning so if it gets unpleasant you can do some "elsewhere chore". NOT last thing before bed.

You have thought about it and say something along the lines of we can go out for coffee today if we can get XYZ chores finished in time, Do you think you could give me a hand, otherwise we wont be ready in time, what do you think you to help out with?

You may still get no help, she may even get angry. You can be quite firm in conveying your disappointment that she is not willing to help out so that you can do things together. Then drop it, But the point is you got it off your chest, point was made and you didn't end up band waggoning a whole lot of while you were at it complains, which would have muddied the water and escalated everything off onto a tangent (that is the usual consequence of reactionary anger)

If it turns into an issue you have already lined up afternoon elsewhere places to be.

Its not about winning or even getting a positive result, that would be just a bonus, it is about firmly airing serious grievances without fear, and minimizing the odds of loosing the important focus on the core issue.

[eeyore]

House chores and things I could compromise on got resolved for me.  Similar to you I got to the point I could air my issue and we could move on.  However only on the smaller issues.  Issues that are my boundaries are more difficult for me clearly and concisely discuss.  I become fearful of any conflict.  

This doesn't have to do with BPD at all but with me dealing with any conflict.  For example in my work I have very strict deadlines.  Those deadlines require proper input from other people.  I can foresee a problem, tell people the solution, remind them, and they still don't meet the deadlines for the proper input.  They don't care how much inefficiency they create, and they don't care how much stress it gives me to meet my deadline.   My specific example is Payroll.  Everyone wants to get paid on time.  Management wants employees to get paid on time to a schedule.  However management doesn't support getting timesheets completed accurately to the deadline.  Managers approve timesheets.  They need to be responsible for what they approve.  Most of the time it's the managers that do their own timesheets wrong. So in the end I'm the one who checks all the timesheets and gets everyone paid and has to be hurried and inconvenienced because others don't do their job. There is No consequence when they don't their job.   I've talked to others in the industry and they have the same frustrations with no real solution.  You can express your concerns and nothing happens.  Poor management poor decisions.  My solution is to find better management to work at because I can't think of another way to solve my issue.

[waverider]

Workplace boundaries are difficult because of the hierarchy of power and responsibilities. People are often more focused on covering their own butts than any consequences for others.

One of the reasons I got out of the office workforce it stunted my growth as an individual

[yeeter]

I read about how to handle men who exhibit bad behavior and I wonder if those little pieces of advice like "don't call him" "ignore him" are useful with men who are NORMAL but not appropriate for a borderline.  I have no clue.

In general, traditional relationship advice doesnt work.  You are in a relationship with someone that gets overwhelmed by emotions, triggered by a variety of things.

(and imo, deliberate games like playing hard to get, etc etc, are not healthy even for normal relationships - in many ways they are simply manipulative/control tactics, which are rarely good in the long run)

[eeyore]

One of the reasons I got out of the office workforce it stunted my growth as an individual

Yes that's basically what I have done.  Working towards building my own corporation.  ;-)  Thanks that was VERY validating.