Ran into BPDw unexpectedly

[confusedhubby]

Was out at the grocery store tonight with the kids Then completely unexpectedly my BPD wife runs into us at the Deli counter while we are awaiting our order. I was totally taken by surprise. My oldest daughter (D8) came up to me and said ":)addy it's mommy". Turned around and there she was smiling at us. Looked at her eyes and they were beat red -- a sure sign she was drinking / drunk / drugged up.

I calmly turned around and told the girls it was time to leave. We started to walk away. My oldest daughter did not even turn around to look at her mom while we walked away. My youngest daughter asked "what's wrong with Mommy's eyes" and my oldest daughter replied "she's drunk". 

Took every ounce of strength I had to just walk away. But I knew nothing good would come from seeing and talking to her. As we started to walk I turned back and noticed she was crying a little.

Then as we were leaving the grocery store I noticed she was hanging around her car (parked not far from ours) and awaiting our departure. I put the girls in my car and we drove off. As we were driving I noticed her sitting in the drivers seat of her car and crying.

FYI My wife has two prior convictions for child endangerment / abuse. Under court order she is not allowed to see the children unsupervised. She has caused a great deal of problems & destruction to the kids and I. Last year she attempted to commit suicide in the same room as the children. She has been cheating, lying and serial dating since she was discharged from being involuntarily institutionalized. During this entire time I have tried my best to help her in her addiction and mental illness recovery -- if not for herself then for our kids. But to no avail. About 8 weeks ago she told me she was in love and had not felt this way in 20 years! until this time she kept on telling me I was her life partner for ever. The new man moved in after  weks of dating. Then she said she had to find herself so she could be there one day in the future for the kids (basically her way of justifying her abandoning us). Painted me blacker than black.  She has a Harvard MBA but said she wanted t make porn films (no kidding) and try prostitution! Began hanging out with heavy drug users... .etc etc etc.


Now I am NC and want it to be that way. The way  see it,she is either going to address her demons or die an early death (she is 41 years old). Hopefully my NC will be the impetus she needs to address these issues of hers.

[GreenMango]

That was hard to read.  Heartbreaking for you all ... .And your wife too.  Rough.

I hope she gets help.

[eeyore]

It must be difficult to keep walking and not stop and be friendly but to look out for the kids.   I admire your strength.  Would you mind sharing how you have been able to do it? 

[confusedhubby]

Thank you GreenMango. It was hard to be cold but I knew nothing good would have resulted from us speaking with her.

I feel so bad for her but what more can I do? It's now time for me and kids to protect ourselves and go NC. Hopefully this awaked her to the need to change her life. Or it could further make her run to the bottle, drugs and her new enabler boy friend. Either way the decision is hers. As we say in Al Anon -- I did not cause the problem, I cannot control I, nor can I cure it.

[confusedhubby]

Hi eeyore.

Thanks for your thoughts.

It was very difficult to just walk. I tried not to show it cause my kids were around but the moment I saw my wife I became very anxious and extremely stressed. Truth be told I still care for her and probably will till my death. However the moment I saw he eyes were bloodshot I knew there was nothing but hurt and destruction awaiting me and the children.

I have learned a great deal on these boards about her illness but when its compounded with alcohol and drug use the pwBPD becomes a monster. As much as you may have feelings for them you just have to force yourself to just walk away. Deep down inside I did not want to hurt her as I am a pacifist and this is against my beliefs. However the kids were my motivation. I never want them to see there mother drunk / drugged up and acting inappropriately. My oldest daughter has some understanding of my wifes drinking and displays a great deal of contempt for her at times. She openly acknoldges that her mother has a lying problem... .and she is only 8 years old.

Sometimes I don't know what's worse, the BPD or the alcoholism / drug addiction. The combination of these has completely destroyed our family. I am 45 years old, a single dad coping with the financial, emotional and personal ruin brought about by them. Never did I see it coming. I always thought that she would do the right thing. I stuck with her through 4 years of psychiatric hardship, personal hardships, rehabs, IOP's court cases, criminal charges etc. Each time I believed I was doing the right thing and what I was doing was appreciated by her. She would tell me I was her life-partner and she would always look after me... .Then one day like all pwBPD she flipped with someone new. And I and the kids were history. Abandoned for a bottle of booze, a gay old time and no regrets on her part.

[GreenMango]

Do the kids have a therapist?

The oldest one may find some support in alateen.

This is just awful to see I'm sure.  And I'd be torn too.

I don't have great advice here - not experienced in the kid factor with this stuff.  

Well wished to you all.

[Learning_curve74]

confusedhubby, that must've been extremely heartbreaking for you, your children, and even your wife. Just reading what you wrote, especially what your daughters said, made me cry.

You are a strong person. Best wishes to you and your children. 

[eeyore]

Sometimes I don't know what's worse, the BPD or the alcoholism / drug addiction.

Unfortunately they can't be untangled.  They are all a web of lying and destruction.

She would tell me I was her life-partner and she would always look after me... .Then one day like all pwBPD she flipped with someone new. And I and the kids were history. Abandoned for a bottle of booze, a gay old time and no regrets on her part.

It's my opinion that bad decision making happens when any one of the issues of BPD, Alcoholism, other addiction arises.  The diagnosis or label then becomes an excuse for the bad behavior.  In other words the person with the problem then doesn't take responsibility because they have a reason for their poor decision making.  It's not that they don't regret their poor decision later.  The problem is they are just seeking a short term high or relief from their perceived misery.  Unfortunately that short term high doesn't last long and causes much more future hurt for them.  Add too it the collateral damage they cause to others.

What is the situation with your family?  Do you have parents or siblings?  I haven't seen if you have any help with child care, emotional supports, etc.   

[Aussie0zborn]

I admire your strength and your solid reasoning for doing what you had to do. Good luck to you and your girls.

[synthetic]

This was hard to read.  I'm so sorry. 

[confusedhubby]

Thank you Aussie, Synthetic, learning curve and eeyore for your support.

Last night was one of the hardest and saddest days of my life. I was emotionally exhausted from what happened. This morning however I did notice that I had some pride in myself for how I was able to handle the situation. Also I felt it was a good thing that my wife had to deal with he problems she had caused. A recurring problem I have had with her is that she is too impulsive and just never thinks of what she has done or is doing. Many times in the past it has felt as though she never even thought about what horrors the girls and I were going through. All that seemed to matter to her was that she was having a gay old time. The booze and drugs just further fueled her escapism.

As for the girls and I we are holding strong. I took a prolonged leave from work so that I an be there for them as there mother had abandoned us. They still miss there mom greatly but they too were beginning to understand the problems she was causing. For example, my wife would call the kids drunk from bars / nightclubs to say goodnight. And when I say drunk I mean completely incoherent! Or there would be strange men's voices in the background telling her to hurry up. She would show up at our house drunk and have to be asked to leave. She would constantly lie about everything -- even things that there was no reason to lie about. My oldest daughter began to develop the skills to know that her mom was lying and would call her out on it.

On a final note, like so many pwBPD, I think that the BPD classification for her is only partially correct. I think she also displays other Cluster B personality traits. It's all like a soup of disorders mixed together with booze and drugs. 

[newlife3]

Good for you! You are making a good and healthy life for you and your children. As the serenity prayer goes... ."let go of what one can not control"

Chronic mental illness causes destruction to those that have it and family mbrs... .She did not choose to have a mental illness but choosing treatment and recovery is a choice, however a very difficult, long process and you have to raise your children in a safe environment. They deserve it and so do you.

You are strong and resilient and I hope everyone reads your story about breaking the cycle of abuse, rescuing, being responsible for someone else's mental illness.

It is a chronic mental illness that love can not fix.

All the best to you and your kids. You will look back at this & see it was the right thing to do... .Life goes on and all of you will be happy again.

[confusedhubby]

Thank you NewLife3.

I hope what you said comes true soon. Today has been a day of mixed emotion.

I am praying that what happened last night will kick start her inner soul and make her se the faults of what she is doing and get into recovery. But I fear that it probably did not make a difference -- at least nothing that another bottle of vodka and some drugs could not sooth away.

Therein lies the horror of the Cluster B mental disorders. They are all as destructive to a human being as one could imagine. However to a person who has the illness, it makes them avoid the consequences of what they are doing. Removes there empathy. Makes them reach for booze / drugs so as to ignore the obvious pain. Be used and manipulated by others to further escape. Lie, cheat and manipulate. All the while the family of the disordered  person is destroyed. Torn apart through no fault of there own.  Forced to witness a human tragedy with no solution. 

[newlife3]

There is a solution, detach, heal and luv your kids... give them and yourselves the gift of health...

Yes, very sad for your ex-w... with her illnesss... .