Divorced 3 days ago, Just who am I?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

12 years together, married for 5.

I'm 32, she's 31.

Me: Codependent like you wouldn't believe. Extreme case. Possible cluster B myself?

Her: Who the hell knows? A cluster B variant.

Before marriage she broke up with me a million times. Of course, I apologized every time and compensated via gifts, flowers, insane levels of affection and self hatred.

After marriage she left me 3 times asking for a divorce. The first two times I promised her the world and only marginally escaped divorce. The 3rd time, I gave up and began healing. Found out about PDs and started a long process of self-reflection, learning, research, therapy and grieving. I was feeling much better when she suddenly showed up and expressed remorse and deep love for me. I melted like a candle and restarted things with her without even asking a single question.

By this time, I was too aware though. Couldn't trust her anymore. Didn't give her the affection and apologetic love that she was used to. She hung on (surprisingly).

She got pregnant 5 months ago. We were over the moon. We went for ultrasound and cried as we saw the baby's heartbeat. We started picking names. We started buying baby cloths.

At week 12, she came to my room, said "I'm not sure about this". I knew exactly where she was going, so in an effort to draw a serious boundary, I typed up a separation agreement and told her if the baby was to be killed, separation and divorce was inevitable for us.

She left for her mother's place. I called many times and sent texts begging her to not kill the baby. I went over to her parents' place (people I really despise), and got on my knees begging her to reconsider. I even offered to take full responsibility for the baby if her desire was to leave the marriage and not be a mother.

The next morning, my mother called me and informed me that the baby had indeed been aborted. I nearly died. A part of me died on that day and I will never recover from that loss.

She came home and signed the agreement. I signed too. A week later, I left to go live in my RV.

I did not want to divorce. I still love her to pieces, but there was no going back. She kept pushing for divorce, so I finally showed up at the mediator's office 3 days ago and signed the papers. I held myself together and did not speak a word. Just signed. I'm sure she's still in shock about it.

I'm sitting here torn into pieces. It's been 12 years of extreme ups and downs. I can't stop thinking about her, but I also feel relieved. She can no longer hold divorce like a gun to my head. She got what she wanted. She will also gain a lot financially. I'm not bitter. I'm hurt.

I'm now in total confusion about the disordered aspects of our personalities. Just who was the disordered one? Was it me? Her? Both of us? I see a lot of BPD and NPD traits in myself, but I have never lacked empathy. In fact, unhealthy levels of empathy has been my biggest weakness. She was a high functioning cluster B. Very subtle but effective emasculation over the years leading to a complete vanishing of respect for me. For a long time and perhaps to this day I considered myself the most unattractive piece of hit on Earth who was lucky to have this beautiful princess in my life.

My experience with counseling has been crap. I see through most of them like they're naked. I see their lack of understanding and preoccupation with marketing/money. It pisses me off. They're too easy. I could fool them into anything. Haven't found a challenging, caring and accessible enough counselor yet.


This site saved my life. They're my only hope for regaining my sanity. I gave up on family and friends understanding my pain. No one knows what I was treated like and how those who do, are not educated enough to understand why I put up with it. My friend looks at me in awe when I tell him about the abuse and says he doesn't understand why I stayed with her. He thinks I'm stupid. I am.

I'm divorced and supposedly out, but the constant lust, thinking and confusion is sometimes unbearable. and I'm as confused as ever. Thanks for reading.

[synthetic]

12 years together, married for 5.

I'm 32, she's 31.

Me: Codependent like you wouldn't believe. Extreme case. Possible cluster B myself?

Her: Who the hell knows? A cluster B variant.

Before marriage she broke up with me a million times. Of course, I apologized every time and compensated via gifts, flowers, insane levels of affection and self hatred.

After marriage she left me 3 times asking for a divorce. The first two times I promised her the world and only marginally escaped divorce. The 3rd time, I gave up and began healing. Found out about PDs and started a long process of self-reflection, learning, research, therapy and grieving. I was feeling much better when she suddenly showed up and expressed remorse and deep love for me. I melted like a candle and restarted things with her without even asking a single question.

By this time, I was too aware though. Couldn't trust her anymore. Didn't give her the affection and apologetic love that she was used to. She hung on (surprisingly).

She got pregnant 5 months ago. We were over the moon. We went for ultrasound and cried as we saw the baby's heartbeat. We started picking names. We started buying baby cloths.

At week 12, she came to my room, said "I'm not sure about this". I knew exactly where she was going, so in an effort to draw a serious boundary, I typed up a separation agreement and told her if the baby was to be killed, separation and divorce was inevitable for us.

She left for her mother's place. I called many times and sent texts begging her to not kill the baby. I went over to her parents' place (people I really despise), and got on my knees begging her to reconsider. I even offered to take full responsibility for the baby if her desire was to leave the marriage and not be a mother.

The next morning, my mother called me and informed me that the baby had indeed been aborted. I nearly died. A part of me died on that day and I will never recover from that loss.

She came home and signed the agreement. I signed too. A week later, I left to go live in my RV.

I did not want to divorce. I still love her to pieces, but there was no going back. She kept pushing for divorce, so I finally showed up at the mediator's office 3 days ago and signed the papers. I held myself together and did not speak a word. Just signed. I'm sure she's still in shock about it.

I'm sitting here torn into pieces. It's been 12 years of extreme ups and downs. I can't stop thinking about her, but I also feel relieved. She can no longer hold divorce like a gun to my head. She got what she wanted. She will also gain a lot financially. I'm not bitter. I'm hurt.

I'm now in total confusion about the disordered aspects of our personalities. Just who was the disordered one? Was it me? Her? Both of us? I see a lot of BPD and NPD traits in myself, but I have never lacked empathy. In fact, unhealthy levels of empathy has been my biggest weakness. She was a high functioning cluster B. Very subtle but effective emasculation over the years leading to a complete vanishing of respect for me. For a long time and perhaps to this day I considered myself the most unattractive piece of hit on Earth who was lucky to have this beautiful princess in my life.

My experience with counseling has been crap. I see through most of them like they're naked. I see their lack of understanding and preoccupation with marketing/money. It pisses me off. They're too easy. I could fool them into anything. Haven't found a challenging, caring and accessible enough counselor yet.


This site saved my life. They're my only hope for regaining my sanity. I gave up on family and friends understanding my pain. No one knows what I was treated like and how those who do, are not educated enough to understand why I put up with it. My friend looks at me in awe when I tell him about the abuse and says he doesn't understand why I stayed with her. He thinks I'm stupid. I am.

I'm divorced and supposedly out, but the constant lust, thinking and confusion is sometimes unbearable. and I'm as confused as ever. Thanks for reading.

[heartandwhole]

Synthetic,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time, and I can really understand your confusion and ruminations.  So many of us have been there, especially when starting the detachment process.  I really hope that you find a good counselor - a good one is worth his/her weight in gold, and I believe there are really good ones out there.

I think confusion and questions about being disordered yourself will become clearer as you get out of the F.O.G.  I know I couldn't see clearly for quite awhile after my breakup, I was a mess and in what felt like a deep hole.

What are you doing just for you these days?  What supports you, feeds you, and nurtures your body and mind?  I know I had to pay attention to my health as I was having all kinds of stress symptoms.  Enough sleep, exercise, good food helped me to be strong enough to start the recovery process.

Keep writing and reaching out.  So many of us understand, and we care. 

[Mutt]

Hi synthetic,

That's a tough story. I don't think your stupid. I'm feeling you did it out of love for this person and that's why you stuck it out as long as you did. I was in your shoes as well. I kept thinking if only I tried harder, the person that I saw in the beginning will eventually come back. My friends and family with the exception of my mother (she was the one that told me my wife is BPD after my wife left) have absolutely no understanding of what I went through. I was frustrated for months. This board is a life-saver IMO. Stick around and share your experiences with people that understand and don't judge you.

[AliveButBeatup]

Thanks for posting. I am sorry about your situation.  Regarding counseling. Keep looking for one. I think it took about a half dozen of them before I found one that helps. It has been 3 years with her.

I know it is sad, but your post brought a smile to my face. In particular the parts relating to breaking up a million times and asking to be divorced multiple times.  It becomes amusing after awhile.

I am getting a divorce and now feel peace and stability are now part of my life.  I could only take so much of the chaos.

[synthetic]

Thanks for being kind heartandwhole, mutt, and alivebutbeatup.

It's been 2 years of reading an incredible amount of material on the internet and although I'm doing better, I'm still in shock. 

In shock about her lack of empathy.  The fact that she simply doesn't miss me(never has).  The monstrosity of aborting a wanted child and blaming it on me   I feel so guilty about that baby's death.  I cannot forget the image of that heartbeat I saw during ultrasound. 

I'm sitting here post-divorce, wondering, how is it possible for her to do this and just go on about life as if our 12 year relationship was worth nothing.

She left me feeling like an empty shell of a man with absolutely nothing to look forward to.  I honestly don't have anything to hope for.  Another girl?  Another relationship?  Another baby?  Another marriage?  It all sounds disgusting to me.   I look at pretty girls and by instinct smile at them, but deep down I see a monster in all of them.  I know this is wrong and may erode with time, but that 'time' seems so far away that I don't know if I have the energy to carry on.

Now all I can think about is who she's with and what I've been replaced with.  She's got so many enablers around her, I can't even hope for a decent recycling attempt (just to say NO to her and stroke my own ego).

[Mutt]

It's been 2 years of reading an incredible amount of material on the internet and although I'm doing better, I'm still in shock. 

Your not alone in your thoughts my friend. I've been getting a great deal of insight through the internet but I just got "Stop Walking on Eggshells" yesterday in the mail. Have you read that book yet? It's an essential guide for the nons. I just started reading it last night and It's helped me even more than what then I've been able to dig up on the internet.

[AliveButBeatup]

Synthetic, each day will get better. Focus on yourself. Practice self-care.  I know with my ex, although it may hurt, I think it would be best if she was with another guy to keep her occupied.  I feel for him, but... .   I need my space and distance from her.  I was married for 20 years to my first wife. I got over that one. I will get over this one. You will too!

[Clearmind]

synthetic, its not your fault and its very likely this pregnancy triggered her anxiety due to her own childhood trauma - don't blame yourself.

I fell pregnant to my ex after only being with him for 3 months - he was not at all impressed and I elected to terminate. While it was painful at the time I no longer regret my decision because raising a child with a Borderline really is hell! I have a BPD father so I know the damage it can cause.

Relinquish the guilt - you cannot do anything if a women decides to terminate - sad reality - call it gender bias.

You will have your own baby one day and if you focus on yourself and your healing you will find a healthy women who will gladly give you a baby.

[Mr gaga]

That was tough to read, I just don't know what to say. I really do care man, I am so sorry

[marbleloser]

synthetic,I went through the same thing,only I stayed after the abortion,because we had a daughter together already.It still hurts to think about it,12 years later.That part never goes away.You're doing the right thing,and there's nothing you could have done to prevent the termination.

As for who are you? Who do you want to be? You now can take the time to determine that.It's a good journey.One I never expected myself to be on,but one I very much needed.

Give yourself the gift of time.Your time.Doing what you want.

You know what you don't want now,so when you find what you do want,you'll appreciate it SO much more.