after being bullied by BPD husband so much,non pushing children away

[countrybumpkin]

I am new to the site,but have been gleaning much useful information as I'm trying to be a support system for a niece that I'm very close to.

My niece is married to a narcissistic BP who has beat her down in so many ways.His abusive ways are only now surfacing (as of about 6 months ago) They have been married just under 5 yrs and have s4,d3 &d 6months.

Belonging to a fundamental,conservative church he uses the Bible to justify his demands--what I mean by that is: women are to be silent and inferior to the 'man of the house' and what he really wants from her is his own personal doormat.

She has shared many,many things with me.She does not have computer access,obviously inhibiting helpful sites such as this.

The question I wanted to ask... .although she's a good mom and tends to the basic requirements/needs of her three young children,I am noticing something that concerns me a bit.Sometimes it feels to me like she's pushing the kids away emotionally as a result of what he's putting her through.He has made it very clear he does not want his kids babied in any way and I'm wondering if this could also be just another way he's controlling her.A perfect example: The three yr old chooses her over him.  I did witness her having fallen down while playing,running to mommy for comfort.He gets up and pulls her out of mommy's lap,takes her outside for about 15 minutes.Daddy comforting her, in and itself should be okay,but it was the forceful way he did it... .like he wanted the rest of the family  in his twisted way,make her (my niece) look bad.

any thoughts on this?

[zaqsert]

Hi countrybumpkin,

Welcome to the site!

From your earlier posts, it looks like you got great advice on resources that can help your niece.  My wife is undiagnosed BPD, and we have a 2 (almost 3) year-old daughter.  What helped me the most was first reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, finding this site, lots of help from others here, and the lessons on the Staying board.  Have you looked at the Staying board lessons?  As controlling as your niece's husband seems to be, I hope she can find a way to read up on any of this safely.

In my experience, my uBPDw tried to do similar things.  For a while, she insisted on taking our daughter from me whenever she was hurt.  I allowed it for some time so as not to upset my wife.  But then I stopped allowing it in many situations (e.g., if I am already comforting our daughter, there is no reason to change or upset her environment just to appease my wife; it's my daughter whose feelings I am trying to help soothe).

Then my wife told me repeatedly that our daughter barely knows me because I'm working "all the time".  She stays at home with our daughter, who also attends daycare/preschool 3 days a week.  Fortunately, I didn't buy it.  I even noticed that I was perfectly able to help our daughter settle down when she was upset.

Then I read the books, learned lessons from these boards, and started to enforce my own boundaries.  My relationship with our daughter only continued to grow.  Interestingly, in the past few months, my wife has said multiple times that our daughter wants nothing to do with her.  I think it's at least in part projection.  I don't see much truth to it.

Now she alternates between saying that our daughter listens to me and not her, and saying that our daughter does not listen to me or respect me.  A few weeks ago she told my brother that our daughter just laughs when I discipline her, which is also not true.

Your niece seems to be in a very low self esteem funk.  He may even be (I think the right term is) gaslighting her.  Either she believes that she is not adequate, or she believes that she needs to appease her husband (or else!), or both.  None of those options are healthy.

I really hope your niece can find a way to build herself back out of being her husband's emotional doormat.

In the meantime, are you or other adults close enough to the kids that they can have stable adults in their lives?

[countrybumpkin]

Hello zaqsert,

Thank you for your kind words.Yes,the kids do have other stable adults near-by.They spend a great deal of time with their maternal grandma,who along with myself are trying to be extra vigilant and observant.

I have complete confidence that grandma would never put up with any kind of abuse.

You're absolutely right about my niece being quite depressed.It's been awfully hard to watch... .this was a young lady that was vibrant,fun-loving,and just downright sweet... .now to see her having lost that spark and knowing she's sad most of the time tends to rip at my heart-strings.

I have such an issue with him justifying these demands in the name of God! how twisted is that?

At the recommendation from a friend,I have ordered the book you mentioned.I am anxiously awaiting its arrival and I'll be bringing it to her.

It's been mind boggling for me as I learn more about BPDs.The manipulation,control and degradation are nothing short of disgusting to me.

Oh yes,he is gas-lighting her.His put downs have stripped her self worth.She tells me all the time,'Why doesn't he just quit messing with my head?' and also,with him being such a bible-thumper he demands she sees him as Lord over her.

Again thank you! I will keep you updated.