BPD and sexual identity

[Hydroman]

I am fairly new to this web community.  My wife of 11 yrs marriage and 3 children has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (BPD)-diagnosed for 3 yrs now.  It has been a rollercoaster.  All of this started 3 yrs ago when she told me she thought she was gay.  Prior to marriage she admitted she had a lesbian relationship and what she described to me was "experimenting" in college.  She confessed that it was more-a full year relationship mostly based on sex.   The first couple years of marriage were good, decent sex life.  About 6 yrs ago, she started telling me I was a terrible lover, bad kisser, didn't know how to please her.  She never orgasmed having sex with me.  I have never been with anyone else and my sexual self esteem went to zero.  I read books, tried new things, to no avail.  Then the discloser she thinks she is gay. 

The bipolar is under control with meds for the past year but now the BPD really manifest itself-self harm, suicidal ideation, black and white thinking, verbal and physical abuse, no housekeeping, little interaction with the kids, constantly calling me at work, very critical of me, hate the house, I earn to little, doesn't want to work, etc... .

She has been in the hospital-tomorrow will be 5 weeks due to self harm.  The therapist at the hospital has had family meetings and the gay issue is manifesting itself again (its kind of been in the closet until she was stable before we addressed in marriage counseling).

One of the BPD traits is sexual identity issues.  With BPD and experiencing emotions to the extreme, is the gay part of the borderline?   Anyone have any similar experience?

We have 3 girls (5,7,9)-they need a mother (even a BPD one).  I hate to give up on marriage.  There is this, what if she gets better and the gay issue is part of the borderline.  I don't want to give up.  Maybe I'm grasping at straws and foolish for doing so.   

When my middle daughter was 6 weeks old, a virus attached her heart (dialated cardio myopathy).  The Dr's told us a heart transplant was our only real option.   We held out and a miracle happened and our daughter survived, and fully recovered and is doing awesome today (no transplant).   I'm a research scientist-a problem solver! 

Its not in my nature to give up.   I'm also a Christian and believe that one day I will have to answer to my maker for all my decisions.   Can I abandon my BPD wife (she is low functioning and won't do well on her own if we divorce).

I'm in a real quandry and don't know what to do.   

I welcome any comments by someone with a similar experience or who has some insights.

Hydroman 

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