uBPD ex bf desperate to 'change' in every conceivable way

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

hello, everyone! sorry in advance for the length of this post, but I really am craving feedback from people who know what I'm going through. I have finally left my ex uBPD bf after over five years of mistreatment, but he is particularly gifted with words and manipulation, and I am particularly susceptible and vulnerable to this.

he was diagnosed bipolar but is most certainly borderline as far as I (as an amateur) can tell. I left him a month ago -- right now he is insisting that he will change his life in a fundamental way in order to get me back, but I'm scared that my eventual rejection will lead to another suicide threat.

when I first left, I was so afraid/weak/caught up in the relationship that I insisted I would "hold out hope" for us in the future. his reaction: "no. you are choosing to leave me, you have left me abandoned and alone, I will never see you again," which was absolutely devastating to me at the time. now I no longer harbor this fantasy of a better life with him because I realize how sick he is, and how much time I've given to him all in the name of his potential.

now, a month later, he is sober and desperate. he took an inventory of his faults/bad behaviors and admitted to all of them, the cruelty, the isolation, taking me for granted, the bing eating/lack of sexual contact, constant substance abuse. he said things like "I am so sorry I made us prioritize my sick feelings over your healthy ones. I don't want to be like this anymore." and "I'm so not angry. I don't even forgive you for leaving because there's nothing to forgive you for, none of it is your fault."

now he's finding a T, losing weight, being more socially active, pursuing higher education/a better job, and playing music. it seems he is serious about improving his life but for the wrong reasons -- just to get me back. it's everything I've wanted for two years, at least, during which time I've tolerated an immense amount of verbal/emotional abuse.

now he's like, "please let me come visit you in a few months over christmas. just a few days. I want to show you my progress and see yours and then maybe we can think about the future. I want to marry you and have the relationship we were meant to, etc. etc." and I said "that makes me anxious to even consider. of course you want to do that -- you're the affector, not the affectee." (AKA the abuser, not the victim) he said, "just please think about it, take your time" but no, I know it's a terrible idea and it would lead to this recycling I'm hearing about on this board.

but Im reckoning with my own codependence issues because I've endured his suicidal ideation/threats for YEARS and therefore had this constant, deeply rooted fear that he will actually do it. (he attempted at 17. also my uncle killed himself years ago and it devastated my family, so Im particularly sensitive to this which he is aware of, of course). I don't feel I can express the finality of our relationship to him until I know he's safe from himself.

I feel like if he gets some concrete good things happening that me telling him an outright "no" in a couple months will be more tolerable. that he'll be better equipped for the blow and will not up the ante and threaten me with his depression and suicidal thoughts. I know it's not my fault or responsibility that he's mentally ill, but I have been protecting him for so long that I am very scared to directly hurt him. I SO don't want to be again in the position of trying to convince him to be alive. it's heartbreaking and exhausting and terrifying. so I want to wait to confirm that it's really over. my T says this is okay, that I don't really have to worry about it for a while, that my reasoning makes sense.

how do others who have left their longterm BPD partner (who didn't want the breakup) handle this dread of suicide threats? this "moment of clarity" of his will undoubtedly change because duh, he's unstable. it's weird because even in his promises for a better relationship, I can see that he's manipulating me. although I hope he spares me that pain, I need to be prepared for it. I want him to be okay but I want to recover and thrive more than anything.

thank you so much for reading. sending good vibes to you all!

[anystar]

hello, everyone! sorry in advance for the length of this post, but I really am craving feedback from people who know what I'm going through. I have finally left my ex uBPD bf after over five years of mistreatment, but he is particularly gifted with words and manipulation, and I am particularly susceptible and vulnerable to this.

he was diagnosed bipolar but is most certainly borderline as far as I (as an amateur) can tell. I left him a month ago -- right now he is insisting that he will change his life in a fundamental way in order to get me back, but I'm scared that my eventual rejection will lead to another suicide threat.

when I first left, I was so afraid/weak/caught up in the relationship that I insisted I would "hold out hope" for us in the future. his reaction: "no. you are choosing to leave me, you have left me abandoned and alone, I will never see you again," which was absolutely devastating to me at the time. now I no longer harbor this fantasy of a better life with him because I realize how sick he is, and how much time I've given to him all in the name of his potential.

now, a month later, he is sober and desperate. he took an inventory of his faults/bad behaviors and admitted to all of them, the cruelty, the isolation, taking me for granted, the bing eating/lack of sexual contact, constant substance abuse. he said things like "I am so sorry I made us prioritize my sick feelings over your healthy ones. I don't want to be like this anymore." and "I'm so not angry. I don't even forgive you for leaving because there's nothing to forgive you for, none of it is your fault."

now he's finding a T, losing weight, being more socially active, pursuing higher education/a better job, and playing music. it seems he is serious about improving his life but for the wrong reasons -- just to get me back. it's everything I've wanted for two years, at least, during which time I've tolerated an immense amount of verbal/emotional abuse.

now he's like, "please let me come visit you in a few months over christmas. just a few days. I want to show you my progress and see yours and then maybe we can think about the future. I want to marry you and have the relationship we were meant to, etc. etc." and I said "that makes me anxious to even consider. of course you want to do that -- you're the affector, not the affectee." (AKA the abuser, not the victim) he said, "just please think about it, take your time" but no, I know it's a terrible idea and it would lead to this recycling I'm hearing about on this board.

but Im reckoning with my own codependence issues because I've endured his suicidal ideation/threats for YEARS and therefore had this constant, deeply rooted fear that he will actually do it. (he attempted at 17. also my uncle killed himself years ago and it devastated my family, so Im particularly sensitive to this which he is aware of, of course). I don't feel I can express the finality of our relationship to him until I know he's safe from himself.

I feel like if he gets some concrete good things happening that me telling him an outright "no" in a couple months will be more tolerable. that he'll be better equipped for the blow and will not up the ante and threaten me with his depression and suicidal thoughts. I know it's not my fault or responsibility that he's mentally ill, but I have been protecting him for so long that I am very scared to directly hurt him. I SO don't want to be again in the position of trying to convince him to be alive. it's heartbreaking and exhausting and terrifying. so I want to wait to confirm that it's really over. my T says this is okay, that I don't really have to worry about it for a while, that my reasoning makes sense.

how do others who have left their longterm BPD partner (who didn't want the breakup) handle this dread of suicide threats? this "moment of clarity" of his will undoubtedly change because duh, he's unstable. it's weird because even in his promises for a better relationship, I can see that he's manipulating me. although I hope he spares me that pain, I need to be prepared for it. I want him to be okay but I want to recover and thrive more than anything.

thank you so much for reading. sending good vibes to you all!

[fromheeltoheal]

First off, if you wanted to kill yourself, could anyone stop you?  No.  It's clear to me he's using the threat of suicide to manipulate and control you, and it seems you know this.  He's not your responsibility.

It's good that he's owning stuff, seeking therapy, focusing on getting better, although it seems it is out of desperation because you left?  In any case, improvement in BPD traits takes years of intensive therapy and most don't make it; there are no easy fixes, as motivated as he sounds right now.  Plus a BPD is triggered by intimacy, so he may may sound attractive with distance and in desperation, but if you get close again, the cycle will repeat, worse this time; a great way to sign up for more abuse.

What helped me detach was to remember what it was like at the end and why I left.  It's easy for the heart to take you to the good times, the idealization phase, the non-triggered him, and get full of hope that it will reappear and become sustainable.  You and I both know that's a fantasy.  I say remember the end and why you left, and focus on you for a change, since at least for me it was a great relief to be done with the full time project that was her.

[anystar]

First off, if you wanted to kill yourself, could anyone stop you?  No.  It's clear to me he's using the threat of suicide to manipulate and control you, and it seems you know this.  He's not your responsibility.

It's good that he's owning stuff, seeking therapy, focusing on getting better, although it seems it is out of desperation because you left?  In any case, improvement in BPD traits takes years of intensive therapy and most don't make it; there are no easy fixes, as motivated as he sounds right now.  Plus a BPD is triggered by intimacy, so he may may sound attractive with distance and in desperation, but if you get close again, the cycle will repeat, worse this time; a great way to sign up for more abuse.

What helped me detach was to remember what it was like at the end and why I left.  It's easy for the heart to take you to the good times, the idealization phase, the non-triggered him, and get full of hope that it will reappear and become sustainable.  You and I both know that's a fantasy.  I say remember the end and why you left, and focus on you for a change, since at least for me it was a great relief to be done with the full time project that was her.

hey, fromheeltoheal. you're right that he's not my responsibility, it's just taking me some time to accept that I don't owe him anything -- even if he claims to be in acute distress. I guess it'll sink in with time?

and yeah. the more I face how bad it was at the end, the more comfortable I become with the idea of being alone. at least I've got that going for me. thanks again!

[bpdspell]

Anystar,

When we are still emotionally attached to our ex's it is easy to get stuck in the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. The concept of not owing our ex's can seem pretty foreign for those of us who are conditioned to be self-sacrificing but manipulation tactics will only further drag you into the BPD abyss.

The honest truth is that no one can change for another person. It's is a huge fantasy driven Hollywood myth fairytale that people change for love. It's a powerful lie and one that many of us on here use to hypnotize ourselves into believing that our love can manage someone else's mentally illness into stability.

What's true is that your ex is feeling "desperate". He's desperate to have supply so that he doesn't feel the intense feelings of feeling abandoned and alone. For five years he had you to rely on so it will make sense to him to try anything to not lose what you once provided. It may feel good on some level to feel needed, and to believe the narrative that love can conquer all... .but in reality a mental illness cannot be cured by the love of others.

When a person is motivated to change for the better it won't have anything to do with someone else. Motivation to evolve, grow and change comes from within.

You've had 5years of your ex and I understand that it a pretty lengthy investment. You may be extremely fearful of the unknown and accepting that you may have to cut your losses will not sit well with you... .but the actions are the truth of a person. Having BPD is the equivalent of living in emotional captivity and it cannot be reformed in a month or by expressing the right words. BPD's take emotional withdrawals out of us but lack the capacity to put anything back into us.

My ex expressed words of gloss and reform when I started to disengage but the trust was already destroyed and I had nothing left... .not even self-deception. Closing the door is hard but staying will only keep you in captivity.

Spell

[momtara]

I've posted about this very thing.  In this case, it's my husband.  He has owned up to EVERYTHING, which is very very hard to get a guy to do, and something I waited years for.

And I am dealing with this too:  "I'm scared that my eventual rejection will lead to another suicide threat."  In my case, it's not the suicide threat I worry about, but anger in general. 

Telling him that maybe we can get back together in a year means that in a year if I can't take him back, he'll feel angry and cheated, and much worse than now.

At the same time, I love him like this, sweet and hopeful... .and I want him to have an incentive to get better.

Everyone says he needs to make long term significant change for me to even consider letting him back in. 

I think of it like a new year's resolution. We all believe we will stick to them.  And what happens 3 months in?  It's hard for a person to change unless they get serious help over a long time.

Is there any chance you would take him back ever?

I am co dependent too and I miss having him lean on me.

It is hard, because you are a nice person.  It would be easy if you could just cruelly tell him to go scratch.  But you care about him.  I'm in that situation too. 

[Ironmanrises]

Anystar,

I am so sorry you are going through that.

That whole "desperate to change in all ways" is only being said to you so that you let him back fully into your life.

Once he he is within your gates.

His behavior will be "good" for x period of time.

That is the idealization phase.

Once he gets triggered(and he will sooner or later)... .

You will enter into devaluation phase.

Then all of the same awful behaviors he exhibited to you before will begin to surface.

Except this time... .

They will be far nastier.

More intense.

All aimed at you.

The closer he will inevitable get to you in the idealization will trigger a far more destructive devaluation phase.

Hell on earth.

Then the discard will come.

It is inevitable.

They will hurt you.

Far worse each time you allow them back in.

This is what happened to me.

When I let my exUBPDgf back into my life the 2nd time after she left me... .

One of the things she said to me before I let her back in was... .

"What do I have to do to have my man back?... .What do I have to show you that I will not hurt you like I did that first time?"... .

She said all of that.

Begging and crying on the phone.

I never had heard her like that before.

I allow her back in.

She was "good" for the first 2 months.

Behaved even nicer then first time in relationship.

I met her 2 sons.

They begin to bond with me.

Then she was triggered.

Then hell on earth commenced.

Devaluation.

Missile after missile was fired at me.

She no longer liked anything about me.

Even the way I breathed on the phone.

Even the way I placed my hands on my side when she took pics of me.

Sounds insane?... .Of course.

Then she discarded me.

Told me "there was nothing about you that I really like"... ."Your love for me was fake."

So whatever happened to her magical words of

"What do I have to do to have my man back?... .What do I have to show you that I will not hurt you like I did that first time?"... .?

Oh that's right.

That no longer applied.

Why?

Cause those words were used only to get back within my walls.

Purpose served.

I was discarded.

Hurt left in wake of that... .?

Read my previous threads and posts.

I am redesigning my ironman suit.

[eeyore]

I am redesigning my ironman suit.

We all need to be discerning when we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.  Only be vulnerable to those that have earned that trust. 

[Ironmanrises]

Eeyore,

When I let my exUBPDgf back into my life that second time knowing about her disorder... .

I extended her a huge amount of trust in the process.

When she inevitable left me again... .

My trust in others was annihilated.

I can't even trust my own judgement.

I compromised myself.

So for time being... .

I have to keep myself walled in within my suit.

[eeyore]

Eeyore,

When I let my exUBPDgf back into my life that second time knowing about her disorder... .

I extended her a huge amount of trust in the process.

WE (me included) were not DISCERNING  (Exhibiting keen insight and good judgment).  They did not EARN our Trust.  Be discerning let someone earn your trust so that it's ok to be vulnerable. 

[momtara]

ok, but what if they get counseling and really do commit to change?  I wish there was a decent treatment for BPD.

[Ironmanrises]

Eeyore,


I knew I should not have allowed her back in... .

But I overrode that logical choice.

I am fully aware now of that now.

Repairing that part of me.

So I can discern properly again.

[eeyore]

ok, but what if they get counseling and really do commit to change?  I wish there was a decent treatment for BPD.

Actions, long term actions speak louder than words.  It's not just going to Therapy or Counseling it's truly living healthy.  :)o you see healthy actions that can stand the test of time?  Not just short term say your sorry and then revert to do the same thing as before. I call that bait and trap.  MaybeSo comes to mind.  We all make mistakes.  But overall healthy is what you are looking for.  

[Learning_curve74]

Have you read that modern fable, "The Bridge" by Edwin Friedman? Please click through to it and it may help you. I originally put these 2 sentences last in my reply, but I think reading this may be more important than reading what I wrote below. It is worth reading through the replies below the first post because there are a number of way to interpret the fable, all different yet all true also.

Hi anystar, the suicide threats from your xBPDbf must be very hard on you especially hearing them for so long -- there's a reason why they're considered the ultimate in "emotional blackmail". I know how you feel too because my xBPDgf has attempted suicide and used the suicide threats to get me to stay as well. And like you, I also have lost a family member to suicide and understand how devastating that is for us survivors. It's not an easy thing to deal with! But the threats are close to the ultimate manipulation in that they are saying that if we do not do what they want, then they will kill themselves. It's extremely controlling.

Like fromheeltoheal said, if somebody wants to kill themselves, there is really nothing you can do to stop them other than putting them in a straightjacket 24/7. We simply don't have the power to stop somebody from suicide if they are 100% set on it. We do have the ability to take their threats seriously and call emergency services if we really do believe that they are a threat to themselves. Have you had that experience before? If not, have you put serious thought into what you would do if you think he is serious?

My BPDex did therapy for a while and quit. It's heartbreaking. The fact of the matter is that a pwBPD has this set pattern of dysfunctional behaviors that they've grown up with and has used to survive for an entire lifetime. It is extremely difficult to change who you are! I believe in my heart that it can be done, that anybody can change, but that is only because of my own personal experience of having changed who I am. And I am not anybody special beyond the fact that all individuals are special because of their uniqueness. I believe that change can occur because I view existence through the filter of my own life experiences.

However, I also have to be realistic, and the fact of the matter is that healing from BPD is an extremely tough and long road with no guarantees. Life is so precious and is also so short. In addition to losing a family member to suicide, I have also lost two of the most people in my life to sudden unexpected accidental deaths, and I definitely did not want to lose my BPDex to a similar fate even if self imposed through suicide. But what she is doing with her life is also a slow form of suicide in my opinion (she also abuses alcohol and Rx drugs), and if I'd stuck around, I would have totally lost who I am, so then there would be two people lost. I am not saying that my choice to thoroughly detach is the right choice for anybody else, but it is the only choice that I can live with. To stay would be annihilation of myself, and I made a choice a long time ago to live instead of die.

So maybe the upshot of all this musing is that you have to make the right choice for you, whatever it may be, and not necessarily what he thinks is the right choice for him. Don't you always have a choice? And aren't you allowed to change your mind also? Just because we choose one thing at a particular time in our life doesn't mean it will the right thing for us always. Best wishes. 

[anystar]

thank you to everyone who has read and responded to this.

so far he hasn't resorted to suicide threats because i haven't yet told him that I won't see him over christmas. i know the risk is there but I'm trying not to obsess over the possibility and instead accept the help of this board in preparing me, if it does happen.

right now he's texting me things like, "sweetheart, I'm so full of love and pride for you. i appreciate what you're doing so much and i can only imagine how tough it is. tell me if i can help in any way." which is so confusing I could cry. it SUCKS because if he doesnt get an equally loving text response from me he gets really needy and desperate. which, I suppose, shines light on the fact that he doesn't REALLY appreciate or respect me, he's just saying that stuff bc he thinks it will make me say girlfriend-y things back to him. at least I'm learning something!

[momtara]

Yes, I understand that.  I don't know whether to text back something sweet, or just ignore it, which means he will get either really mean or just start texting to ask why I didn't respond.  It's sad.

[Ironmanrises]

thank you to everyone who has read and responded to this.

so far he hasn't resorted to suicide threats because i haven't yet told him that I won't see him over christmas. i know the risk is there but I'm trying not to obsess over the possibility and instead accept the help of this board in preparing me, if it does happen.

right now he's texting me things like, "sweetheart, I'm so full of love and pride for you. i appreciate what you're doing so much and i can only imagine how tough it is. tell me if i can help in any way." which is so confusing I could cry. it SUCKS because if he doesnt get an equally loving text response from me he gets really needy and desperate. which, I suppose, shines light on the fact that he doesn't REALLY appreciate or respect me, he's just saying that stuff bc he thinks it will make me say girlfriend-y things back to him. at least I'm learning something!

In bold.

That.

He will say this or a variation of it in order for you to let him back in.

Each and every time.

It's a pattern... .

Just like their behavior.

When the day come that my exUBPDgf attempts to make direct contact with me again(so far it's bizarre texts/calls from numbers I don't recognize)... .

And that is coming based on her previous behavior... .

If I were to even allow her call to go through hypothetically... .

I can almost predict what she will say to me.

It will be based on her previous remarks about how sorry she was to hurt me... .

Except this time... .

It will be like this... .

"I am so so sorry Ironmanfalls... .I know I hurt you the two times you were in my life(2 rounds of relationship in which she left both times)... .I know I treated you horribly and gave you silent treatments both times... .I won't hurt you again like I did those 2 times... .I just want my man back again... .What do I have to show you again that I won't hurt you again?... ."

That is what a hypothetical statement of sorrow she would most likely bombard me with if I were to allow a third time.

Notice I added the word "again" multiple times.

So you hurt me twice but now I will have to take your word again that you won't hurt me a third time... .

That is what she would hypothetically have me believe.

This is why I will not entertain a third time.

NC.

No matter how many texts/calls come in.

[eeyore]

I keep asking myself.  How is any of this healthy?  If it's not healthy then what can you do get to healthy? 

[gallerykey]

I had those words, each and every time. My ex was in therapy and on meds but he was doing it for me not him so it was never going to work and even if he had stuck it out it would of taken years to have any remote difference.

I know I would not of survived another 2 years of what i had already tolerated.

He used to leave me little notes or buy me cards whenever he knew he had done really wrong and it would be the same words each time. I am so sorry for treating u so bad, u do not deserve any of it, u are the only person in my entire life who has ever stood by me and supported me (all true) i love u so much, want us together forever and will do anything for us to have this (not true)

If it was meant he would of done it meaning i wouldnt have a stack of notes and cards that i cant quite get rid of yet. Think and tread carefully, they so good at manipulation,lies and mind games... .

[turtle]

now he's finding a T, losing weight, being more socially active, pursuing higher education/a better job, and playing music. it seems he is serious about improving his life but for the wrong reasons -- just to get me back. it's everything I've wanted for two years, at least, during which time I've tolerated an immense amount of verbal/emotional abuse.

So he's gotten sober -- gotten to the step where he makes amends (and did so quite eloquently,) he's finding a T, he's losing weight, he's being more socially active, pursing higher education and a better job, and he's playing music. He's doing ALL of this within one month?  That's the biggest red flag EVER!  There is NO WAY a person can accomplish all of this in ONE MONTH!  Especially someone who has just admitted that they are an alcoholic and decided to start recovery.

I'm no forture teller, but my best guess is he can't sustain this level of "perceived" self correction until Christmas.  First of all, some (or all) of it is likely UNTRUE.  Even if some of it is, it is not humanly possible (IMHO) to make this many changes in such a short amount of time.  If he truly believes he is REALLY doing all of these things, he will have worn himself out by Christmas!  In fact, he'll be worn out by next week.

As your title says he is "desperate" -- to me his behavior reads as manic.

This just wreaks of manipulation!  And... .he knows you are afraid of the suicide card.  

Crazyx used to threaten suicide all the time too. It's the worst type of manipulation there is. I know you are fearful of this, and I can totally relate.  For your own sanity, you will have to arrive at a place where you realize his suicide threats have nothing to do with you.  It's so hard to accept that when their manic pleas seem so convincing.

Trying to put myself in your shoes... .I just don't know how I could continue on playing his "I've changed everything about my core being in ONE MONTH" game.  And... .the more you read his texts and listen to this new tactic of his, you give up more of your own life and your own right to peace. I'm glad you are processing this with a T.  These kinds of things are soul destroying - and standing around wringing your hands about someone who is so ILL can suck the life right out of you.

I'm so sorry that he has gripped you with fear.  I know how that is and it's awful.

Turtle

[turtle]

right now he's texting me things like, "sweetheart, I'm so full of love and pride for you. i appreciate what you're doing so much and i can only imagine how tough it is. tell me if i can help in any way." which is so confusing I could cry. it SUCKS because if he doesnt get an equally loving text response from me he gets really needy and desperate. which, I suppose, shines light on the fact that he doesn't REALLY appreciate or respect me, he's just saying that stuff bc he thinks it will make me say girlfriend-y things back to him. at least I'm learning something!

Bingo!

M A N I P U L A T I O N!

Um... .turtle is triggered. .

[eeyore]

Bingo!

M A N I P U L A T I O N!

Um... .turtle is triggered. .

Um... .donkey is triggered also!