I ended it, he has gone NC completely & now is using a mediator for our son?

[Birdandbison]

I'm still a new member but not sure if I'm on the right board.

As posted earlier, I have finally gotten off from a long turbulent roller coaster ride. We have gone back and forth for so long and I did finally end if & have stuck to my decision.  Although this time there was no begging me to change my mind, there was no trying to resolve it. He has Cut off completely. We do have a child together & he won't communicate with me at all regarding updates or if he is going to remain in our sons life. I have now backed off... And now I have been contacted by his father in which he let me know that my ex had sent me money for our son.

Why is he now mediating through a family member? Why is it so difficult for him to email/text to let me know that for example he was sending us money? Is this how it's going to be for the rest of our life? I feel like I'm dying although I ended it. A lot of details are stated in my other posts. I can't even ask his father whether he is now automatically our mediator. Is it because its all too fresh (two weeks) & my ex doesn't know what to say? I am trying so hard to move on but i am so damaged. this behaviour is so different to what he's ever shown me. I'm still trying to adjust to not being abused every second day, I'm still trying to adjust to not walking on eggshells. My brain simply cannot comprehend that I ended it because its what I wanted & I have  had no reaction from him not even an acknowledgment that the relationship is over. I now have his father as a mediator. Am I meant to forward all the updates about our son to his father? Or should I continue to update him as I have in the past? Help, advice, I need it. I feel the only thing keeping me here is our son. If I didn't have him, I don't believe I would be here. Most nights I go to sleep praying that I don't wake up because the pain that I've endured and now continue to endure even though this person is out of my life is too much for me. I never thought ending it would mean I would in turn feel rejected.

[Validation78]

Hi Bird!

I know this is rough stuff, and a time for you to gather your thoughts and feelings to get your life back on track. Of course, you also have the responsibility of your child, which adds complication to the mix. One thing I think is important is to encourage your son, despite the situation between you and his Dad, is to love his father. 

If he won't communicate directly with you, and you want to keep him informed of what's going on in your son's life, that's very nice of you. I would suggest keeping your emails strictly about your son. No discussion about your relationship or anything personal about you. I also don't see the harm in keeping his father up to date as well since he is the grandfather.

Consider posing on the parenting board. The folks there may have some good advice for you!

Do you have hopes of getting back together?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Birdandbison]

Hi Bird!

I know this is rough stuff, and a time for you to gather your thoughts and feelings to get your life back on track. Of course, you also have the responsibility of your child, which adds complication to the mix. One thing I think is important is to encourage your son, despite the situation between you and his Dad, is to love his father. 

If he won't communicate directly with you, and you want to keep him informed of what's going on in your son's life, that's very nice of you. I would suggest keeping your emails strictly about your son. No discussion about your relationship or anything personal about you. I also don't see the harm in keeping his father up to date as well since he is the grandfather.

Consider posing on the parenting board. The folks there may have some good advice for you!

Do you have hopes of getting back together?

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hey val. thanks for your response. After a much long awaited call, we finally spoke today & cleared the air and he said he will always be there for his son, and will send money when he can, he also stated he was not in love with me anymore... Which I said back otherwise I wouldn't have ended it. He also managed to play the blame game one more time and blamed our entire relationship drama on me. Nice. Though cant be too disappointed if he behaves in character right? So we agreed anything I need to ring him & also when he is set up there will be no issue with me flying interstate with our son so he can see him. And that's all I wanted... A mutual agreement, on the same page so if there's anything I need to share I know he is willing to communicate. And I will always encourage our son to love and respect his dad.

It was a blow to the stomach hearing I'm not in love with you anymore. He has never said it ever throughout the roller coaster ride. But it didnt hurt as much because I feel the same. I'm not sure if we will make it work ever again unless he recycles... How does recycling actually work? Best that he doesn't... But he's such a charmer. Also not sure whether I'm not in love with you is a quick way to say "you ended it but just so you know I don't love you anyway" I'm still trying to get my head around BPD's, their love, real or not? Their needs... It is all about them right? That's how it came across yet again on the phone today. My healing process can start now because I have the closure that I wanted, although a bit of fear in me that he might recycle later down the track when we see each other when he sees our son. ( would be staying at his place, when he gets one) thanks for listening, I feel so overwhelmed but a little stronger than yesterday. Any thoughts would be appreciated

[Validation78]

Hi Bird!

   Glad you are feeling better than yesterday and have had the talk that will help you to move on. If you don't love him anymore, there isn't any reason to discuss the relationship with him anymore. Now all you have to discuss with him is your son. It's the biggest thing you have in common, and should find a way to be on the same page about.

  You can now focus on your healing and restoring your life back to healthy. Here's a link to a workshop on recycling. It may answer some of your questions. You don't have to be afraid of whether or not he attempts to recycle. It takes two, and if you know that you don't want this life anymore, you can cut off any attempts before they get legs. Keep your conversations to your son's business, and that's it. Take time to heal, and separate yourself from the toxic influence in order to get a clear picture of what you want for your life. You have to be healthy in order to raise your son in a healthy environment especially since his dad cannot do the same.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

Best Wishes,

Val78

[dreamer321]

BirdandBison

I want to encourage you in your journey and know that the first steps are the hardest -but then you begin to see things a little clearer-and if you step back, at least I have found that you can see things that you missed before. When I take the confusion that the sheer emotion causes I can begin to see cause and effect issues and things that I could have handled better in my relationship when removing the emotion and the seeming manipulation tactics that go with it. It will make you stronger and allow you to see the power that you do have-though they try to strip it away from you. In my case, my BPD showers me with love and emotion so that I will reciprocate and when he feels that he has me right where he wants me-Boom-thats when the other shoe drops-and I am left in a fog-of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Good luck to you! Keep it good!

[Birdandbison]

Thank you to the both of you! Your encouragement does make it seem better, and I'm grateful I've had the strength to stand on my own two feet & end it and be sure of it this time. I think we both know this was it for us

I somehow feel I should apologise to him for the turbulence in our relationship? He pointed the finger at me for the drama I did not create fully, and he walks away with his hands clean. That hurts because it took two. But that's the blame he put on me and its working. I just don't want this person who I once loved, have a grip over me for always.  And yes I will keep our contact strictly about our son. Even that I will find difficult as I wish I could just break away completely.  I will have a read of the link thanks val78. I'm not sure what the future holds but I've got to remain strong, although I believe our love is gone & he won't hold onto that as its not satisfying, and nor will I. I remember the good times which kill me & then I remember the bad horrible times that I would be so ashamed if our son had to be a witness. Can't help but wonder if my ex's life will improve now that I'm out of it? Or does the patten & behaviour generally continue after us? I'd hate to be his only trigger, or reason for his anxiety, depression, episodes. Any insight on this? Not sure why it worries me, it's just a thought process I have at the moment.

[Validation78]

Hi Bird!

What you are expressing is very typical, and over time, I'm sure there will be many more emotions and questions. Detachment is a process that comes over time, and it's best if you give it time to work through in order to be healthy later.

You can apologize to him for your part if you really feel the need. I suspect though, that it will lead to a conversation about the relationship, that you have already decided to depart from, and he will manage to twist it all around to be your fault. If you can keep it to what you need to do to feel better, of course, do what you must.

Yes, you are a trigger now. It is the normal course of things in a BPD relationship. So, in answer to your question, if he is a pwBPD, the next love interest will likely take the same course. Honeymoon, idolization, fear of abandonment, etc.  You are not the cause of his problems. They were there before you came into the picture, and unless he gets very specific help, and does a lot of hard work, over a long period of time, the results will likely be the same. Some women may put up with it longer, or even forever. The fact remains, that he will continue the behavior. It is beyond his control. I do understand your thought process. We've all asked ourselves the same questions!

Take time now to work on yourself. Get back on track to a healthy, peaceful existence for yourself and you son. You have a good life to look forward to!

Best Wishes,

Val78