Remembering the bad stuff

[myself]

 

It's going to help us get through this, in it's own strange and painful way.

We miss them because there was some good there, too, but why aren't we together? Why aren't these relationships working out? We all brought our stuff to the table, let's be honest. I don't feel sorry for myself, but am sorry for some of the things I said and did. We're lucky we live. Hopefully we learn from it. Make it better as we go.

While I was remembering some good stuff, the bad stuff kept showing up, too. At first it seemed like it was an eclipse. The shadow moved in and I kept thinking it would pass. When I saw it was big like a mountain, and permanent if I kept standing in it, I found that I had seen my other options long ago. It took going through these bad memories so many times, in this tense silence between the good times, to see that as much as it hurts, to be altering course yet again, I find it's also fuel for moving on.

That list of what was wrong, what hurt, how many times they made it worse, how many times you cried, how many recycles you went through while doubting your own intuition, how none of it made sense... .Listen to that! Remember that stuff! It was just as real as the good stuff, and it's what broke the camels back. It's why we're picking up our pieces by ourselves, and with each other here, and with those who can really stick it out with us. Remember the good, yes. Do not forget the bad. Get through it and heal.

The bad stuff didn't wipe us out completely. Don't think it's going to.

[Validation78]

Hi Myself!

In CBT, we are taught to remember the "bad stuff" as you call it! While we are healing, if we have a thought about something sweet they did, or how nice they can be, we can replace it with something horrible they did, or how abusive they can be. I know this helped me a lot!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[turtle]

While I was remembering some good stuff, the bad stuff kept showing up, too. At first it seemed like it was an eclipse. The shadow moved in and I kept thinking it would pass. When I saw it was big like a mountain, and permanent if I kept standing in it, I found that I had seen my other options long ago. It took going through these bad memories so many times, in this tense silence between the good times, to see that as much as it hurts, to be altering course yet again, I find it's also fuel for moving on.

This is such a great word picture. 

I used to think that I focused too much on the "bad stuff."  For me, the "bad stuff" eventually over shadowed the good stuff.  For me, this was crucial because a) it was the truth - the "bad stuff" was very bad, very real, and very damaging... .and b) keeping that reality in the forefront of my mind kept me from reengaging with someone who would certainly hurt me.  History proved that fact.

Today, I try to be better at gauging "good stuff" and "bad stuff" and giving those things their fair share of importance.  Long ago, I could not do that and that's what got me into trouble in the first place!  I'm better at it now, but I still get tripped up sometimes.

Good to see you myself 

turtle

[bpdspell]

Myself,

This is a great post.

When I was addicted to rumination all I could recycle in my brain were the euphoric times when I felt like I was sitting on top of the world. The idealization, the mirroring, the love bombing is incomparable to any feeling I've ever felt before in my life!

But then I was dropped off a 97 story building.

The bad stuff certainly outweighed the good: the betrayal of his cheating (good grief that hurt), the lies, the promises, and finally the physical assault. I took a lot of the blame for his actions because I couldn't believe that I trusted someone who turned out to be so grimy.

The bad stuff is what matters. We shouldn't hold the bad stuff as a way to punish them but as a way to remind ourselves of the severity of their mental illness. I'm two years out and I have forgiven my ex for the most part cause he really did the best he could when it came to loving me in terms of his BPD but BPD love is unhealthy parasitical needy love and I now know I deserve much better than that.

What kept me stuck on him was believing that my ex was the best that I could do. The toxic bond was powerful and I held onto him because I believed he was my last shot at happiness.

But I'm now confident enough to know that their abuse will always overshadow their love.

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

Myself,

This is a great post.

When I was addicted to rumination all I could recycle in my brain were the euphoric times when I felt like I was sitting on top of the world. The idealization, the mirroring, the love bombing is incomparable to any feeling I've ever felt before in my life!

But then I was dropped off a 97 story building.

The bad stuff certainly outweighed the good: the betrayal of his cheating (good grief that hurt), the lies, the promises, and finally the physical assault. I took a lot of the blame for his actions because I couldn't believe that I trusted someone who turned out to be so grimy.

The bad stuff is what matters. We shouldn't hold the bad stuff as a way to punish them but as a way to remind ourselves of the severity of their mental illness. I'm two years out and I have forgiven my ex for the most part cause he really did the best he could when it came to loving me in terms of his BPD but BPD love is unhealthy parasitical needy love and I now know I deserve much better than that.

What kept me stuck on him was believing that my ex was the best that I could do. The toxic bond was powerful and I held onto him because I believed he was my last shot at happiness.

But I'm now confident enough to know that their abuse will always overshadow their love.

Spell

That.

In bold.

Round and round.

I was dropped from space.

[frustrated b/f]

What kept me stuck on him was believing that my ex was the best that I could do. The toxic bond was powerful and I held onto him because I believed he was my last shot at happiness.

But I'm now confident enough to know that their abuse will always overshadow their love.

Spell

Gotdamn this is the truth!

This whole thread is filled with truth!

I just experienced a brief spell of insecurity yesterday, thinking to myself my uBPD g/f was the best I would ever have. I try to immediately push these insecure thoughts out of my head, but their there nonetheless! I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so damaged just for trying to love someone.

During one of our more recent break-ups I made it a point to write down all the hurtful, disrespectful, and destructive sh!t my uBPD g/f did on a white board. Every time I found myself missing the "good" times I would refer myself to the whiteboard. It helped! I was longest break-up we had, until we recycled.

I'm going to do it again now I just didn't like house-guests seeing it because my large whiteboard is visible to anyone who comes over.

Although I did keep a journal of all my experiences on my phone. I've been reluctant to scroll through it, however I'm sure it will be helpful.