Adult child of mother with BPD

[TD131]

I am almost 30, divorced, and I'm a single mom of two amazing kids. I think I am a very good mom and because I am aware of how damaging and horrible my own childhood was, I am constantly reappraising my own behavior with my kids trying my best to be a better and better mom. For years I have suspected my mother has BPD, something she adamantly denied, though recently has been ready to hear the diagnosis. She sees a terrible intern psychologist who has just given her a BPD diagnosis and now she is trying to convince me that I have it. I am not like my mother. I do not rage at my children, I do not intentionally hurt them, I do not spank them. I admit that on more than one occasion I have yelled back and cursed at my mom in front of my kids (7 and 3) when she triggers me (intentionally) and when she doesn't allow me to set boundaries (telling me it's psycho-babble and nothing is all science and I'm crazy).

I spent my childhood being so afraid of my mom. Never knowing unconditional love, wanting to be loved by her but being so afraid of her at the same time. She would flip so fast. She was physically and emotionally abusive. I was always her crutch. I had to support her and counsel her and advise her when she was having a meltdown. I had to make her feel loved and not abandoned when she was having trouble with her many men. Every time I have ever confided in her she uses it against me. She tells me I'm the one that needs to get help and I'm ruining my kids. I do blame my mother for my issues. But I am working on my issues all the time. I have one characteristic of BPD which is an eating disorder. But I am a very stable person most of the time. My mother is toxic and the most significant source of stress in my life but I still depend on her to help me once in a while because of the financial difficulty I experience as a single mother. She has never been a mother and she still strikes to hurt me if I have unintentionally hurt her. She is twisted and manipulative. She recently tape recorded me in the car yelling at her after she started in on how she was going to call CPS on me for having yelled at her in the past in front of my kids. I understand it is my responsibility to control myself, but whenever my mom triggers me I have a very difficult time withholding my anger. I have no love for this woman. She's a terror. My ex-husband exhibits behavior similar to my mother which placed reinforced feelings I had during my childhood development. I am not co-dependent as I stand up when I think I am being compromised or mistreated, I do not play games, but I have a terrible hole of feeling unlovable. I do like who I am, but I have never known the feeling of unconditional love. I know the feeling of having it for other people, but I do not know what it is like to be loved by another person in that way.

The last year has been an incredibly emotionally exhausting time. My divorce, my ex-husband leading me on then finally was exposed as carrying on with his co-worker, moved 4 times, had a miscarriage with a new partner who shuts down when I need to connect, break up with that partner, and the usual ups and downs with my mom. It has been a lot to handle in one year and she and the rest of my mom's side treat me as if I am so "___ed up". I am grieving! My aunt was so upset with me for yelling in front of my kids, which really doesn't happen on a regular basis, that she told me I need to "stop walking around so hurt all the time and deal with [my] issues." I found that incredibly hurtful. Yes, I do walk around with a lot of pain, but you know what? I maintain a positive and happy demeanor most of the time. I am fun and playful and loving with my kids. I focus on them. I do not walk around depressed. I get teary sometimes because I am human, but it has not interfered with my ability to parent. I just want peace! I want to be away from the people that make me feel like I'm so unusual and abnormal. I think I am a bit needy at times, but not out of the normal range for mentally healthy people. I just want to escape my mom. I have to say I really do not love her and I hate being bound to her out of fear that she'll make my life even harder.