Codependency and BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have a question.

It seems to me that pwBPD and Co-dependancy have often had similar childhood experiences.

My BPDbf had an abusive childhood and so did I - they were earily similar. Why I wonder did he end up BPD and I ended up Co-dep?

[connect]

I have a question.

It seems to me that pwBPD and Co-dependancy have often had similar childhood experiences.

My BPDbf had an abusive childhood and so did I - they were earily similar. Why I wonder did he end up BPD and I ended up Co-dep?

[dharmagems]

My exBPDh's mother was doting to him and smothering.  It seemed by knowing her, she was also BpD.  My mother was a NPD and physically abusive.  I was very Codependent with my ex.  Yes, both of us came from dysfunctional families where boundaries were not healthfully taught. 

[DesertChild]

Don't know why one v. the other.

I do notice that the protectors of the family tend to end up codependent.

For example, I had a younger sibling to protect, so I ended up codependent. (Mostly because I made myself the target on purpose and thought if I did, the damage wouldn't reach me since I was aware of it... .)

uBPDmom was the youngest child and didn't have a context for understanding her mother's depression like my Aunt did.

My dad ended up codependent, I think because he wanted to be like his father and his father died when he was a teen, so he had to become the man of the family. If my grandfather had lived, I don't think he'd have married my uBPDm, because he would have recognized protecting her instead of doing what his Dad did... .would have shielded him. My grandfather used to make my grandmother face the tough things in life and that's what she loved about him. (Plus she has anxiety and depression from a rough childhood which my grandfather managed by making her do things such as that).

But I don't think there is a solid answer out there. Forces of circumstances might have something to do with it, or it might be a slew of other things.

[connect]

Interesting theory desertchild. Makes sense.

I also had a younger sibling to protect from the abuse and I used to be the peacemaker to protect my mum too. Ended up co-dep. I can see the pattern started young. So my coping mechanism was to control the situation (in my head) by trying to make everything better.

My b/f was the youngest child and was bullied by his father and older brother. His mother did nothing to stop it. Ended up BPD. His brother used to provoke him into rages and then he would also get punished for having those rages. I am unsure what my b/f's coping mechanism would have been as a child in light of this.

[MaybeSo]

Different levels of resilience (temperament interacting with environment) yields different results. Two siblings can grow up in the same exact home environment and each adopt dramatically different coping styles and perceptions about it.

[bb12]

I think it's a simple as the development of an Outward vs. Inward focus.

A pwBPD goes into themselves at the time of trauma and creates a false self. It is heavily shame-based but goes on to pretend to be superior and beyond criticism. If the world is dangerous and untrustworthy, I will always have myself to go to.

A pwCoDa on the other hand ties to mitigate further trauma by being outwardly focused. They take the initial abuse so personally that they think they are fundamentally bad. Shame and guilt thrive and they get stuck in a state of 'should'. They become other-directed at the expense of truly knowing themselves or what they actually want in life. The read the room and please and fix. Become over-functioning and run themselves ragged trying to pre-empt any potential conflict.

I think a pwBPD's home environment allowed them to be brattish and child-like. I think a pwCoDa's home environment was so invalidating that it confirmed negative self-belief and that the focus should remain on others at the expense of self.

Bb12

[connect]

BB12 - what a good explaination. Outward versus inward.

Def true for me. So in common with pwBPD,  co-deps may also suffer from a lack of sense of self?

I often feel that I need to ensure that others around me are happy/have what they want before I can attend to my own needs. This seems to be such an ingrained drive and it's uncomfortable when I consciousley try to shift it. I notice that when I attempt to change this I can find myself lying in order to "get out" of doing things. ie last night my friend wanted a lift. It would have been terribly inconvenient for me to do this - I heard myself lying by claiming I had an appt at that time. So although I DID consciously alter my normal behaviour (which would have been to forgoe my stuff and attend to my friend's needs instead) the way I acheived this was by lying to him. mmm... .so I still have a lot to change here. So my lying may not be much different from a pwBPD's lying either. We both do it not with bad intentions but to protect ourselves somehow from judgement?

As for the sense of self stuff - I had ALWAYS considered myself to be a strong person - I felt self sufficient and independant in my core (thinking I got through that abusive childhood so I am tough). BUT as soon as this is shaken (someone being angry for example and I assume it's about me) then I feel the strength ebbing away. So my belief in my "strength" could in fact be the false self I have built up over time... .

Yes you are right also in that my childhood was very invalidating with no escape/outlets unless they were outide of the home. So I never had the opportunity to act out or be brattish in the house. My BPD bf however did have an unprotective guilt riddled mother who allowed him to act out in the house. So in conflict, I "behave" and peacemake but he rages.

Last night at my bf's house he had a mini rage. His end he was pretty good and managed to eventually shift the rage to where it belonged (work stuff) rather then at some perceived fault from me (which is what he initially tried to do). We had a chat about it later and I said that being angry is valid although being aware of the cause of the anger and the direction of it is important. After the mini rage I took some time to think about how the rage made me feel - rather horribly I realised it was familiar - the feelings I had were ones I had felt for at home for the first 17 years of my life. So I had to question myself as to why I would choose to stay with a bf who made me feel emotions which I HATED as a child. I suppose this is the re-living past events with a different outcome thing.

Also my bf had  a raging bully father and he HATED that. So why does he choose to rage even though he hated his father for doing it to him? he tells me so often how bad his father made him feel by being nice for two weeks and then flipping out. And yet my bf rages himself and he also follows a similar two week timeline... .What do you think that's about? I know it's BPD but why choose rage as the vehicle? Surely he would be trying to be the opposite of the father he hated?

[bb12]

And shifting the focus to what you might be (CoDa) is the true gift in all of this BPD abuse.

I have learned some hard things amongst the realisation I am likely codependent: that we do bad things too. Look at your lying. I look at my own desire to control. My own view is that sometimes our codependency can be as harmful and hurtful as any PD.

Learning to question the belief system we established when faced with our own core trauma is the key to personal freedom. And that journey becomes do much more fulfilling than the one we were on as we trying to muddle through the BPD riddle.

Bb12

[connect]

I have been thinking recently about codependancy and decision making.

I have always been a poor decision maker about things with an emotional element. I think this is because I grew up not being able to trust my own feelings (as a child i knew I was in an abusive environment but was told I wasn't etc etc) So I have always had a tendancy to go with the flow and let fate decides what happens to me in some aspect of my life. Although now I realise that "inaction" is a decision in its own right.

For example I left my 14 yr r/s to be in a r/s with my BPDbf. This decision was nightmarish for me - it caused me so much stress and I did this very slowly as I found it hard to be certain of what I wanted and what was the best thing to do. I didn't realise my now bf had BPD when I did this. This was probably the biggest most life-changing decision of my adult life and seeing as how I struggle with decisions I found it very hard.  I then discovered my bf suffered with BPD and I entered the BPD/codependancy dance and for many months was in denial. I feel in some ways that this almost cemented in my mind that I WAS a poor decision maker and the one time I took a risk and made a big decision that I may have got it wrong. This was a blow. I was trying to be brave for once and put myself first but for a long time wondered if I had got it wrong.

On a personal level this felt like a backward slide. For a long time it just confirmed to me that I didnt have the skills or trust in myself to make these sorts of decisions as I had always suspected. Now however I feel I am coming out of this mindset and out of denial. The r/s with my bf with BPD is improving and I am becoming more self aware.

Do you think problems around decision making is also a co-dependancy trait? Or is it just me?

[bb12]

I definitely think the inabililty to trust ourselves is related to codependency. In your case that might manifest in poor decision-making. In my own case, I have been hopelessly disconnected from my feelings. I don't think I have cried since I was a small child. Some of the reading indicates that as a child we had to block certain feelings towards our parents (like anger) so we could still love them. We needed them for food and shelter, so we had to find a way to make the environment tolerable. But blocking one feeling inadvertently blocks others. I think blocking rage at one end, means we block joy at the other. And ultimately we feel numb. And one-sided, dramatic relationships perhaps make us feel more alive. Everything needs to be negotiated and conflict is a core feature of the bond.

I can make decisions pretty well, but I am not sure I take everything into account when I do. I process the rational bits but not the emotional. And when you throw in things like self-sacrifice schema etc. we can go through life making decisions that barely factor our own desires or well-being.

Coming out of the other side of borderline abuse comes with so many wonderful benefits, like these realisations - and the ability to end cycle on some of these behaviours. We become more aware and live more consciously. What a wonderful reward for such incredible pain!



BB12