Hypocrisy driving me nuts

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I can't help but feel angry towards my nBPD sister.

She is incredibly intelligent and has made rationalisations for herself for all her horrible actions in a way that has validated her twisted logic...

What really get to me is the hypocritical nature of everything she does. I am really struggling to not see her actions as intentional because of the rare times when she has been rational... .

Is there any real way to break through to BPD individuals and have them understand how their actions are hurting those around them, or is that just wishful thinking?

Her marriage of 6 months is on the rocks and I am wondering if there is any way I can get through to her before it is too late.

[Looking for More Straws]

I can't help but feel angry towards my nBPD sister.

She is incredibly intelligent and has made rationalisations for herself for all her horrible actions in a way that has validated her twisted logic...

What really get to me is the hypocritical nature of everything she does. I am really struggling to not see her actions as intentional because of the rare times when she has been rational... .

Is there any real way to break through to BPD individuals and have them understand how their actions are hurting those around them, or is that just wishful thinking?

Her marriage of 6 months is on the rocks and I am wondering if there is any way I can get through to her before it is too late.

[Scout99]

Hi Looking for More Straws! 

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your sister! BPD is frustrating and confusing so often for us watching our loved ones so often illogical behaviors... . 

And our instincts so often tell us we sort of need to "help" them or rescue them from themselves... .

The problem is we can't! We simply cannot make any other person "come to their senses" really about anything... .That is unfortunately a fact of life... .Even healthy people cannot really tell each other what we think we should or shouldn't do, because none of us really respond very well to be told what to do... .That too is a fact of life... .

As painful as it must sound to you, there is nothing you can do to prevent her from destroying her marriage, if she is hellbent on doing so for herself... .Sure you could tell her that you think what she is doing is wrong... .But what response do you think that would create, regardless of how nicely you would make every effort to package it... .?

She would in all likelihood just get defensive, and perhaps even take it out on both you and her spouse... .

One of the best things we as family and loved ones can do for our BPD loved ones is actually choosing to allow them to make their own mistakes and sometimes also fall on their faces... .Since in all honesty when we look at our own lives, it is through doing so ourselves that we have grown as people all of us... .From the very time we learned how to walk... .It is our own trial and error that helps us the most, not what other people, regardless of how weel they mean have told us is the right or the wrong thing to do... .Even as parents we teach our children best by being leading examples... .That is showing what we do, and for them to choose to follow... .Learning always have to be your own choice... .

Your heart is in the right place! And I soo can understand your frustration... .But letting her make her own mistakes is the most loving thing you can do for her. And then be there if things falls apart to comfort and support... .But whatever mess she creates has to be hers, otherwise she will never learn anything... .And you cannot be there sitting on her shoulder at all times helping her make the right choices and decisions anyway... .

It has taken a lot of time for me to reach to this conclusion and I have been a "helper" a lot in my relationships with men... .But I have finally learned it leads nowhere, but just creates a lot of disappointment and pain on my own behalf... . Now I know that "tough love" is actually love too, but in a more honest way... .And sure, it still makes me frustrated to watch my ex BPD bf loose his battles and struggle over and over again... .and not set him straight... .But now I know that when that happens, and frustration sets in, it is a sign that I need to work a little bit more on me and my frustration again... .since that bears fruit. And when I can stay calm and collected and at peace with myself, I am also a much better "help" to him, just by being who I am, and not by trying to tell him what to do... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Looking for More Straws]

Hi Scout99

Thank you for your response. Its nice to know other people understand the craziness of it all. I guess part of why it is so difficult is, all my other close relationships in life, I have chosen to surround myself with people who I have a real, honest relationships with. Life can be crazy enough, you need ppl who enrich you and lift you up, and I believe in all good relationships, one of the keys is to be able to 'fight fair'. So it is difficult to have someone so close who doesnt want a bar of it. I guess the key is, in these healthy relationships, people ASK for advice and aren't afraid of a little constructive criticism.

I am trying really hard to not force my advice on her anymore. This is hard for me, because in her last relationship, she sabotaged it big time she would ring me up and I would try and council her for up to 3 hour a day. During this time I was honest with her about why we all we not surprised he had left her.

She was very receptive to this (albeit devastated that she had pushed him away) and at the time, she made me promise if I ever saw her exhibiting such irrational behaviour again, that I would tell her. So I guess there is this protective, sisterly voice telling me if I just say the right thing, maybe I can tweak something in her conscience. Perhaps those were just empty words she said at the time to come to terms with what was going on...

This is all complicated further by the fact that it is my husband's brother whom she has now married and separated from... .So my husband and I literally had him living on the fold out in the living room of our one bedroom apartment for over 3 months.

I feel like even if we dont see eye to eye, we should be able to discuss the fact that something so massive is actually going on. But she doesn't want to talk about anything, yet she still wants to see me and my husband. I told her bluntly the other day that as much as I love her, we can't just come over and watch a movie and pretend like nothing has been going on for the past 6 months. That I am happy for her if she has already moved on, but that I need a bit more time to understand it all...

I guess I am trying to work out, how can I apply this 'tough love'?

I am unsure of how to be true to what I believe, while still being loving and supportive of her.

I'm sad, because in her own little manipulative way, she is trying to say she misses me, but I'm not sure how to tell her in a nice way that even though I miss her as well, I cant handle some of her behaviours anymore, especially now that it is so close to home in more ways than one.   

Is there any way to create an honest relationship with a strong foundation with someone with BPD? Do they even want that? Or will they always try and sabotage it?

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Looking for More Straws,

You ask a lot of good questions.

I am trying really hard to not force my advice on her anymore... .

She was very receptive to this (albeit devastated that she had pushed him away) and at the time... .Perhaps those were just empty words she said at the time to come to terms with what was going on.

As you will find as time goes on, pwBPD (persons with BPD) think and act very differently than the rest of us. I think that your sister may have been very sincere at the time, but she does not have the ability to "learn her lessons" so to speak. She will not be able to remember and apply the information the way you and I would.

I guess I am trying to work out, how can I apply this 'tough love'?

I am unsure of how to be true to what I believe, while still being loving and supportive of her.

Again, that requires some unique skills and tools in communication, as what we would intuitively do actually often makes things worse. And being nice and avoiding the problems on the other hand does not help either.

Have you had a chance to read any books on BPD, or check out some of the links on this website?

To start, there are some good lessons you can click on at the right side of this board, and here is a couple of links that you might find helpful:

   

BOUNDARIES - Living our values

TOOLS: communication with BPD family member... .consistency/validation

I'm sad, because in her own little manipulative way, she is trying to say she misses me, but I'm not sure how to tell her in a nice way that even though I miss her as well, I cant handle some of her behaviours anymore, especially now that it is so close to home in more ways than one.   

Is there any way to create an honest relationship with a strong foundation with someone with BPD? Do they even want that? Or will they always try and sabotage it?

Your instincts are right, and it is possible to build a better relationship. I want to encourage you to keep posting. There IS a way to be authentic, and to build a strong r/s (relationship).

I have a BPD SD(step-daughter), and our relationship was completely broken down. Now we are building trust and as I understand her behaviors better, it is much easier.

[Looking for More Straws]

Thanks guys for the first time in a while, I feel hopeful there might be a new way to approach things.

I have just bought 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. Hopefully it has some handy tips.   

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Looking for More Straws,

This is hard, but you've been given some sage advice.   It's ok to be angry.

As the others have said, people with BPD can really see the world differently than someone who doesn't have the disorder. Your sister may not see how disruptive her behavior is and may have unhealthy relationships as a result.

Boundaries are there to protect you and will help you to have an honest relationship with her. I think you'll find some good information in the links that pessim-optimist sent you and in Stop Walking on Eggshells.