Why do they make a reason to be mad at us when they are wrong?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi again. So the night before my uBPDh's bday, I set up a family dinner. His family comes and he stays half an hour and leaves up go have ONE drink with his friend and says he'll be right back. At 6:00. His mom is upset, I don't blame her. The house clears out and I am left with my sick daughter, his dad, and his S10 & D15. He is gone till 12:30. I tried calling and he declined my calls then shut off his phone. We've discussed before my last marriage fell apart due to exh being gone all the time and having affairs. He knows my boundary of his being out all night especially on a whim or without checking in. I figure this is fair considering if I go out with one of my friends to dinner, he texts repeatedly and I can't even give my focus to my dinner companion or he rages that I don't answer his texts. He's even requested pics of where and who I'm with and shown up just to check on me.

Anyway, he gets home and I tell him happy birthday and I'm not going to say anything about it but he better not be mean to me because he knows he is wrong, he tends to be crappy to me when he's made this mistake. I knew he'd been borderline rage all week so I've been on eggshells. We go to bed and he tells me I have 3 minutes. I'm like... for what? He said you'll find out. I knew it was one of his "tests" and that he was doing it because I was guaranteed to fail and that would give him a reason to make me the bad person of the night. I had no idea what he wanted. He finally got mad and raged at me that I didn't kiss him goodnight and tell him happy birthday. I said I had told him HB, he said it was out of sarcasm and I said I'm sorry I made you feel that it was and that I genuinely meant it. He started screaming about how selfish I am, so I laid back down and just said I'll never be enough for you. He calmed down after that but still chewed in me about how much a loser he is and his self pity he does. I told him this was exactly what I meant about not being mean and that I knew he'd find a reason to be mad at me since he'd done something wrong. I just went to sleep and ignored him after that.

Yesterday was good though. He seemed happy most the day. I acted happy for his bday.

Why do they do this and can we stop it?

[wishfulthinking]

Hi again. So the night before my uBPDh's bday, I set up a family dinner. His family comes and he stays half an hour and leaves up go have ONE drink with his friend and says he'll be right back. At 6:00. His mom is upset, I don't blame her. The house clears out and I am left with my sick daughter, his dad, and his S10 & D15. He is gone till 12:30. I tried calling and he declined my calls then shut off his phone. We've discussed before my last marriage fell apart due to exh being gone all the time and having affairs. He knows my boundary of his being out all night especially on a whim or without checking in. I figure this is fair considering if I go out with one of my friends to dinner, he texts repeatedly and I can't even give my focus to my dinner companion or he rages that I don't answer his texts. He's even requested pics of where and who I'm with and shown up just to check on me.

Anyway, he gets home and I tell him happy birthday and I'm not going to say anything about it but he better not be mean to me because he knows he is wrong, he tends to be crappy to me when he's made this mistake. I knew he'd been borderline rage all week so I've been on eggshells. We go to bed and he tells me I have 3 minutes. I'm like... for what? He said you'll find out. I knew it was one of his "tests" and that he was doing it because I was guaranteed to fail and that would give him a reason to make me the bad person of the night. I had no idea what he wanted. He finally got mad and raged at me that I didn't kiss him goodnight and tell him happy birthday. I said I had told him HB, he said it was out of sarcasm and I said I'm sorry I made you feel that it was and that I genuinely meant it. He started screaming about how selfish I am, so I laid back down and just said I'll never be enough for you. He calmed down after that but still chewed in me about how much a loser he is and his self pity he does. I told him this was exactly what I meant about not being mean and that I knew he'd find a reason to be mad at me since he'd done something wrong. I just went to sleep and ignored him after that.

Yesterday was good though. He seemed happy most the day. I acted happy for his bday.

Why do they do this and can we stop it?

[MammaMia]

Alcohol and BPD are a toxic combination.  Since it is a depressant, it makes depression worse and releases inhibitions which allows them to go into a big time emotional nosedive.

Then there is the birthday issue which also causes anger and depression.  Birthdays and holidays are awful.  PwBPD always act up.  Many choose not to recognize them at all.

You might try ... .minimal or no alcohol and keeping things very simple. Like

dinner out just the two of you.  Or just a gift with no big celebration.  When extended family is around, they always feel like they are being judged.  And,

of course, they NEVER live up to others' expectations of them in their mind, so avoidance is the answer for them.

[Siamese Rescue]

I too had to send pics of my grandparents in the restaurant with me to prove my whereabouts while he can disappear for hours and you're not allowed to ask him any questions. I too would answer multiple texts during dinner with a girlfriend while his battery "died" everytime he went out.

They pick fights over the most trivial insignificant things while completely ignoring the mainstream definition of right from wrong.

It's a tough place to live if you're involved with one of these people. I'm there now and it's Hell.

[wishfulthinking]

He just left to go to his friends again. I know he is there, that's not the issue, the issue is the double standard and the leaving home alone without me being able to plan something for me to do. I'd like to see my friends too. But now it's late and my D9 is sick.

I imagine he will be much later than he said and he'll find a test for me to fail so he can tell at me about being wrong to take away his wrong. Yay me.

I find I'm caring less and less. Part of me cares, part of me wants to care, another part is not giving a sh!t anymore. I won't be in a lonely marriage again. I wish I didn't feel tricked into this marriage. I wish he was the man I fell in love with. I wish I felt we had a future.

Thank you for responding, just wishing things were different or I didn't have to sell myself out to be with him. I'm a shell of myself anymore. I feel more alive at work.

[eeyore]

Why do they do this and can we stop it?

In my opinion it's a smokescreen.  If he can make a reason to deflect wrong doing to you then he doesn't have to deal with his own wrong doing. 

[wishfulthinking]

That's what I figure, too. So how to keep him from smokescreening me? I need him to understand how serious I am about him staying out.  But once he rages at me for a made up wrongdoing, it's like he's absolved of his?

[eeyore]

  But once he rages at me for a made up wrongdoing, it's like he's absolved of his?

I know that well.

You can't control him. So you can't stop him from trying smokes creening.   You can only control yourself by saying I choose not to be in a relationship with someone who stays out all night. 

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you, eeyore. I'm afraid that's what I was thinking, as well. I'm trying to deal with the BPD because the man who has it is so amazing, but the BPD is taking over for longer and longer periods. He's becoming more selfish, I didn't know that was possible, while constantly being "hurt" by me. If we are so bad according to our BPD's why do they stay with us? At this point, why am I here? I do love him. I hate that I do. But if they can't truly love and all I do is create rage in him, I guess it's my choice to leave. I just have to get the guts to break my heart and do it... .I hate that I love him.

[Montana]

It's so crazy when I read these posts that reflect my life! My uBPDh does the same thing to me.  I can't go out and do anything with out him revenging on me. Even though I don't do it to make him mad. And I'm talking about little kids bday party's, not bars.  He calls and texts me constantly when I'm away. Then when he goes out he doesn't answer.  He also tests me All the time. And of course I fail! I have been doing better lately by not engaging him in arguments. He started meds a few days ago. It has lessened his rages, or the length he is in them.  He still has all the mood swings.  I did go to my moms today because he was drunk when I came home from my nephews bday party.(his revenge). He didnt freak about me going to my moms. I guess we will see how that plays out later. Does your husband go to counseling?  We started a few weeks ago then he sent my uPDh to a psychologist.  The psychologist put him on some meds. He said he couldn't diagnose him until he is sober for 3 months. My husband doesn't drink every day.  The psychologist thinks he is self medicating with alcohol.  Good luck!

[wishfulthinking]

My husband thinks nothing is wrong with him except for a pill addiction. Everything is everyone else's fault.

[toomanytears]

I absolutely understand your confusion. Us poor Nons want the wonderful being we fell in love with. This person does not exist. We have to face that. BPDs are full of contradictions and simply don't know their own minds. It's useful for them to keep us close by so that they can keep projecting their pain and anger away from them onto us.

My BPDh of 30 years walked out four weeks go. He blames me for throwing him out and says he's too scared for his personal safety to come home. He is a black belt in Karate and twice the size of me. Nonetheless, he is planning to come home afternoon to touch base and sort out some of his stuff.

But his email yesterday displayed so much anger and resentment that I'm afraid things will spiral. I want to see the lovely handsome, dashing man I fell in love with but I don't think he's there - and perhaps he will never come back for me now.

I've just spent several hours composing an email to postpone meeting for a while. I've found it so hard to reject him in spite of the fact that I know he will rage at me. I've feel so much better without him around and I know that this meeting will just set me back. People keep telling me to take care of myself first but the love drug I've allowed to take over my mind makes it nigh on impossible to do that. I have to be strong.

[Clearmind]

Don't engage, don't explain, don't defend. Move to another room if he is going to be like that. That is a boundary.

[eeyore]

Do you have a friend who could be at your house in another room to deter him getting out of control?

[wishfulthinking]

If I go in a different room he busts the door in. I've lived in this house for 11 years and its never been so torn up. It's embarrassing.

Yes my friend can be here but she can't live here so that is difficult. He was a jerk all night and this morning. He said I was selfish for setting my alarm every couple hours to give my D9 breathing treatments through the night because it wakes him up too. But if I sleep in with her then I don't care about him. I can't even break even, let alone win. I quit being nice and now he's being nice. I'm sure it won't last and I don't care if it does right now. He's broken me.

[Surnia]

If I go in a different room he busts the door in.

Lost,

you are bound in a very unhealthy rs. There is no space left for yourself and for your daughter. Your h is mental ill. You need any help you can get. This board is okay, but no replacement for real life support.

How is your daughter doing?

[MammaMia]

Lost

With your dd being ill and your BPDh violent, and threatening you, must feel like you are trapped.  Do you have anywhere to turn for hands-on help?  You might consider speaking to a domestic violence counselor for suggestions on where to find assistance.  You can always involve the police if you feel imminent danger.

Have you considered a legal separation or divorce, and is this financially feasible?

I have been where you are.  It is terrifying, depressing, and emotionally draining to live in such a hostile environment.  It is definitely not good for your dd or you.

Please see if you can find someone to talk with.  Family, friends, clergy, a DV counselor, or a lawyer.  You and your dd do not have to live this way. 

[wishfulthinking]

Now that his birthday is done, I'm going to start separating myself from him. I think the bandaid technique would become an issue. If he has no connection to me, he will probably leave on his own. I thought he was going to leave a couple weeks ago but his mom talked him into staying.

[Clearmind]

Lost, it sounds like you guys are in a conflict cycle right now and no one knows how to hop off.

Do you have a safe house to go to - so if he continues to bust doors, bust your boundaries and threaten you, you can leave for a night?

Maybe its time to put some plans in place to protect you and to enforce your boundaries.

[wishfulthinking]

I have friends I can stay with if needed. Biggest issue there is getting out. I ALWAYS have my daughter. Her dad takes her overnight two nights a month if even that many. I can't leave her and if I go to get her he knows what's going to happen. He can and will stop me. He's very strong, being in construction, he's much stronger than I am. So I just try to ride out a rage till morning when I have to go to work.

[MammaMia]

Lost

Does your MIL know how her son treats you?  Is he your dd's stepfather?

If you need to leave and stay with friends, do it when he is out. If you feel ok staying to see if he leaves on his own, that would be your decision. You know him best.  Just, please do not put yourself and your dd in harm's way.

[wishfulthinking]

The thing with me leaving... .this is MY house. I've owned it for 11years. He moved in here after we got married. Just another perk for him.

He is my D9's stepfather yes.

My MIL knows and knows he is mentally ill. I believe that she thinks he loves me enough that he will finally break and chose to get better. I think she has false hope.

I asked who he was drinking with earlier today and he got mad at my questioning him and said he's done nothing wrong to warrant it and left. Before he left I said you make me prove my whereabouts and who I'm with a the time, why can't I ask? No answer to that. He left without saying anything, so I texted him:

You win. Do what you want. I won't care anymore. My mistake. Sorry.

He came back later and tried to act nice. I acted cordial but not nice, so he left again.

[MammaMia]

Lost.

If the home is in your name, he should be the one to leave. 

Perhaps his mother is afraid he will come home to her, and she does not want him there either.  That is her problem, not yours. 

[eeyore]

You win. Do what you want. I won't care anymore. My mistake. Sorry.

He came back later and tried to act nice. I acted cordial but not nice, so he left again.

I realize you are upset and this isn't easy.  Can you take a deep breath?  Then can you think about what would have been a better way to handle the situation? 

[wishfulthinking]

Honestly Eeyore, I don't think I want to have handled it differently. I'm tired and my spirit is broken. I dread so many days because I can't joke, be happy, have fun anymore. The eggshells are starting to hurt my feet.

He came home, acted like nothing happened. I was cleaning the bedroom and he asked what's wrong with you? I said nothing, you were the one who left mad. He said I guess I did.

Nothing else was said about it. Had some inane conversation and then he said he was going to get beer and cigarettes. That was 2 hours ago now. He will get no reaction from me. If my D9 I'd feeling better tomorrow, I will have her dad take her so I can have dinner with my friend Laura who keeps asking and I keep putting off because his insistent texting is embarrassing. No more will I play that game. He can either decide to be partners or he can leave. I understand it will never be equal with BPD, but I'm not his mother or daughter, either. I'm no longer a scared puppet.

[wishfulthinking]

Mammamia, that's what I think about him leaving. She says he can't stay there, but I do know she likes me and knows he needs help. She used to work in a psych ward and sees what I now see. She tried to warn me subtly, I didn't listen. My fault.